The Beginning of the End Pt 2
Everyone decided that I should be the first to go in and say what I needed to privately to Justin.
So, here I am, at my post that I’ve been at for the past four days.
After a few seconds of sitting in the chair I decided against it. Instead I climbed up in the bed with him and hugged myself up to him.
I ran my fingers across his chest trying to memorize exactly how he felt. I brought my hand up to his face and traced my fingers across his lips. They were colder than normal, but surprisingly still as soft as they always were.
I pulled myself away from him and sat on the side of him with my right leg tucked underneath me on the bed. I had a better angle of his face this way.
Oh that beautiful face. It was the face of the man that I loved more than anything in this world.
The face that I would never get to see again.
The face that held the lips that I would never get to kiss again.
The swelling had gone down considerably in the past four days. He was still bruised and scarred up pretty bad, but he still looked incredibly beautiful to me.
I traced my fingers across his cheek bones as my tears fell on his face.
“I wish you could wake up and tell me how to do this. Because I don’t have the slightest clue. You’ve been in my life for so long. Being with you is like breathing for me. I’ve always done it and I don’t know how to make myself stop.” I said as my fingers ran through his hair.
****
“What are you doing still up?” Justin asked as he closed our front door behind him. He pulled his coat off and hung it on a hook by the door, and made his way across the darkened living room. The only light was the light of the TV but even with the faintest light I could tell that he was exhausted. He fell onto the couch beside me, and laid his head in my lap.
“You know I can’t sleep without you. Besides I was dying to know how it went in the studio.”
He chuckled and said, “The same as always. Long, productive, and time spent away from you.” He said as he grabbed my hand and placed a kiss on the back of it.
“How vague was that answer? It’s Madonna for crying out loud.”
“It was the same as working with any artist.”
I slapped his chest playfully, “You cannot sit there and tell me that the kid in you who had never met the woman before was not freaking out at least a little bit.”
“Ok, so maybe I was a little.” He said laughing, “Alright a lot. I still can’t believe she wanted to work with me and Tim. Tim yeah, but me? It was very surreal. You know they want me to induct her into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?”
I gasped, “Shut up.”
“I’m serious.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told them that I had better things to do.” He said with a hint of tired sarcasm lacing his voice, which resulted in a chest slap for him. “What do you think I said? Hell yes was the only thing that would come out of my mouth at the time.”
“That’s awesome baby.” I said as I leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead.
“But enough about all of that. What did you do today?”
I smiled and shifted myself on the couch so my back was against the arm rest and I had either leg on the side of him and his head was lying against my stomach, “Well, I hung out with your mom most of the day. Then we met my mom for lunch at the diner. Then after that I helped Trace with some stuff with your clothing line. He left, and I got a shower, changed into my pj’s and decided to catch up on some missed TV while I waited for you to get home.”
He sighed, “A shower sounds so nice. But I’m so tired I think I’d drown under the water.” He said.
I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “I could give you a sponge bath.” I said as I placed a kiss on the sensitive spot behind his ear.
He smiled, “It’s been a while since I’ve had one of those.”
“Well I’m offering.” I said as I played with the hairs at the bottom of his neck.
“I’m perfectly content lying here with you, watching TV, or the back of my eyelids whichever comes first.”
“Do you need anything?”
He sighed and smiled up at me, “Just you, and hey? Can you do that thing that you do?”
I laughed, “I do a lot of things. Which would be referring to?”
“You know that thing you do when I lay beside you. Where you run your fingers through my hair, and you scratch my head?”
I laughed, “Sure.” I said as I began to run my fingers through his head. “I didn’t even realize I did it.”
“You do. Almost all the time. I like it. It helps me relax.”
“Well, I’m glad I can help.”
“Baby you help in more way than you know.” He said as he placed another kiss on the back of my free hand.
****
I’m going to miss that. He always loved when I’d play with his hair. And as odd as this is going to sound it was relaxing for me.
“How do I survive in a world without you? I don’t know how to tell you goodbye.” I said as my voice cracked and I began to sob. I brought my free hand up to cover my mouth. I gently let my head fell onto his chest. “There’s so much that we haven’t done, baby. We were going to start a family. Remember? After Christmas we were going to actually start planning for a baby.”
**
“Oh come on, ref! What the hell kind of call was that?” I heard Justin call from the spot he had been at since he woke up this morning. He looked up from the television and found me ogling him from the doorway. “Beth, baby? Did you see that? That was such a bogus call!”
“No I didn’t see it.” I said as I walked further into the living room and sat down beside him on the couch.
Normally I would be bitching at him about the mess he was making around himself with the empty chip bags, empty beer bottles, and empty discarded bowls of cereal. But today is different for many reasons.
For one this is the first straight few days he’s had off in a while. I know my husband is slightly ADD and he’s constantly working on something for himself or someone else. But he’s been in the studio none stop, in meetings with his record label, and making surprise appearances everywhere for the past month, and it just seems like he hasn’t had the time to breathe.
And the other is…well, I don’t know how to explain it. I know it’s something we’ve talked about before, and we both never actually reached a compromise about it.
I guess I’ve just gone and confused you more, huh?
The only way to explain it is to just come right out with it.
I want to have a baby.
So bad I can actually feel my body craving it.
Sure it’s a subject that we’ve talked about numerous times, but we both were never ready for the commitment of having a baby. We always chalked it off to when we were ready we’d jump on it.
Pun intended.
Well, now I’m ready.
I always wondered when I’d know I was ready, and I honestly don’t know how it happened. But it did.
Maybe it’s because all my friends have at least two children by now. And my cousin just brought her newest by to see me the other day while he was in the studio.
I could feel my uterus throb as I held the baby.
Justin’s voice pulled me away from my thoughts, “What?”
“What do you mean what?” I asked.
“You’re looking at me all weird. What’s up?”
“No I’m not.” I said as I shifted my gaze elsewhere.
“Yes you are. In fact it’s been a little weird between us since I’ve gotten back. You’ve been extra…clingy this time; I guess is the way to put it. Not that I don’t like it! It’s just not like you. What’s going on baby?”
“Nothing.”
“Beth, I know you better than that. Something’s been on your mind tell me what it is.”
“I don’t know how to say it.”
“Just say it.”
“I don’t know how you’ll react.”
“I don’t like where this is headed.”
“No! No! It’s nothing life changing, well yeah maybe it is. But it’s not anything bad. I promise!” I said nervously.
“Baby, just say it.”
I saw him take a drink of his soda and I closed my eyes tightly and began to fidget with the hem of shirt and blurted it out, “I wanna have a baby.”
Silence.
My face relaxed, and I slowly opened one eye and saw Justin staring straight ahead at the TV then turn to me.
“Did you…did you just…you want to have a baby?”
“Yeah. I do, I really do.”
“Really?” he asked a little shocked.
“Yeah. I really do.” He was still silent for a while, and not really liking his reaction I retracted my statement, “But if you don’t then that’s ok. I mean I only want this if you want it too…”
“No, no, don’t think that. I’m just a little shocked that’s all.” He said smiling as he grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him, “You want to have a baby?”
“Yeah, for the third time. I do.” I said smiling.
“My baby?”
“No, Trace’s. Yes, yours dummy.” He was smiling, but I still wasn’t sure that this was something he wanted. “Baby, if you don’t want this just tell me.”
“I do. I do want to have a baby.”
“Really? Oh, Justin! I was so scared you were going to tell you weren’t ready.”
He smiled, and pulled me closer, “I am ready. I’ve been ready for a while. But before you get to excited we can’t start right now. My schedule is about to get even more hectic, and I’ve already got a lot of things slated throughout the year.”
I groaned, “Justin, you can’t be serious.”
“Baby, I can’t do anything about it. It’s already been planned. Look, I’m not saying we can’t have a baby. I’m just saying not right now. How about we hold off actually planning until the end of the year? After Christmas we can lock ourselves up in this house, in our bedroom no less, for a whole month until I get you pregnant. No interruptions, no phones.”
Well it could be worse. But I’m so impatient! He doesn’t know how bad my uterus, how bad I want this. But I can’t blame him for wanting to hold off until the end of the year. My damn uterus had to pick now, of all the busiest times for my prospective baby daddy, to get all baby wanting on me.
“I guess I can live with that.” I said as I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest.
He whispered into my ear, “But if you want to try between now and then, I won’t complain.”
“What are you saying?” I asked as I pulled my head up off his chest to look at his face.
“I’m saying logically we shouldn’t start planning for a baby until my schedule slows down, but if you were to wind up pregnant between now and then I wouldn’t object.” He said smiling at me.
“Why Mr. Timberlake are you suggesting we have unprotected sex?” I asked playfully.
He smirked and flipped me over on the couch so I was under him, “Yes I am. Starting now.” He said as he covered my mouth with his.
**
After a few more minutes of lying on his chest crying I pulled myself up and wiped away some tears, “You’ve made me so happy. I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. My love for you goes deeper than my heart, it goes to my soul.” I said as I leaned down and placed a kiss on each of his closed eyes. I gently ran my hand down his face, “But I don’t want you to be afraid for me. I’ll be just fine. I don’t know how, but I’ll get through this. As much as I love you I can let you go if it means you’ll be better. Just save me a spot, ok?”
I ran my fingers through his hair again, “God I feel like there so much more that I need to say, but I don’t know what it is. The only thing I know to say is I love you. I love you so much.”
Knowing that I had a whole waiting room full of people waiting for their turn I leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his lips. I began to sob, and I lingered for a little longer than I should have. “I’ll be back, baby.” I pulled myself up and grabbed onto his hand and placed a kiss on it. I placed it back down gently at his side, and walked toward the door.
I was still crying and trying to catch my breath as I walked into the waiting room. My mom was instantly at my side as she grabbed me into a hug. And for the first time I didn’t care that everyone was watching me, I just completely and totally broke down in my mother’s arms.
“Oh, baby.” She said as she placed a kiss on the side of my head as she rocked me back and forth. “It’s ok.” She said as she began to rub circles on my back.
And that’s how I stayed during everyone’s visits. I didn’t even notice anyone leave in the middle of my breakdown. I just cried, and cried, and cried in my mom’s arms.
“Alright baby, its time. Are you ready?” she asked as she pulled me away.
I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to control myself, “Yeah.”
“Do you want me to come in there with you?” She asked.
“Please?”
“Alright. Let’s go.” She said as she stood up and held her hand out to me.
I looked around the room and found Lynn standing off in a corner in the same state that I was just in and I remember the words that she said to me in the consult room. “Can you just wait right here for me? We can go with Lynn.” I said as I stood to my feet and began to walk toward her.
I looked to Paul to see if it was ok to come over and he gave me the look of approval and I slowly approached her, “Lynn?” I called out as I placed a soft hand on her back.
She turned around and smiled through the many tears that were streaming down her face, “Yes sweetie?”
“I think it’s time for us to go in there. Will you walk with me and my mom?” I asked fighting down the tears that were fighting to come out.
She bit her lip and looked to Paul, “We’ll be right beside you.” She said as she and Paul walked with me over to where I left my mom standing.
I always thought that the longest walk of my life was the one that I made walking down the isle to him. I was so anxious to get to him and become his wife for the rest of my life.
But I never knew that I would have to make this one. The closer we got to his room the longer it seemed to take.
Walking in I looked at him and for the first time he didn’t have any tubes coming out of him. He only had his IV hooked into his arm and that was it. He looked so peaceful. Like any moment he would wake up and it would all be a stupid cruel joke that he was playing on us.
The scars and bruises were still there to pull us right back into the harsh reality that unless there was a miracle this would be the end.
At six o’clock he was unhooked from all the machines. The only one he was left hooked to was the heart monitor and an oxygen machine to keep him comfortable.
Lynn and I were on either side of him holding his hand. I made myself paranoid looking at the monitor periodically wondering if the was this was going to be the last moment.
At seven o’clock nothing had happened yet. I built up so much hope that maybe he would prove everyone wrong and open those beautiful eyes. Of course I took this concern to Dr. Morgan and immediately began to question the decision I made to take him off the machines.
He of course told me this was just normal. That there was no time limit to when he would go. I countered that and wanted proof that he wasn’t making progress. He obliged and ran some tests from blood work that he had a nurse draw. And once again I was faced with the ugly truth when they came back. Everything was slowly shutting down.
With my heart shattered into a million pieces I went back to my stance beside his bed, this time with the heart monitor to my back and waited.
To make us all more comfortable they brought in more chairs for everyone to sit in.
When eleven o’clock rolled around they even brought in blankets and pillows for everyone to possibly get some sleep. One by one they all went down for the count, but I knew that if I even tried I would be unsuccessful. So I sat fully awake holding his hand. I talked to him, recounted memories that and even laughed at a few, and even sang to him. I didn’t think that I could sing very well, but Justin said I could. He was the only person that knew that I liked to sing or that I even could, and he was the only person that I would sing for.
One o’clock came everyone was still asleep. By this time I was completely numb and holding on to every piece of sanity that I had left. I crawled up into his bed and just held him and ran my fingers softly through his hair. I sang softly to him in his ear some of his favorite songs. And whispered how much I loved him and how I always would.
At two o’clock I was almost asleep when I heard him gasp. I immediately popped my head up from its place on his chest and looked for any sign that he was awake, and bit my lip to fight back the tears that were coming when I saw that his eyes weren’t open at all. I looked over at the heart monitor and saw how low the line was and saw that his pulse rate was very low.
I heard him gasp again.
And that’s when I knew.
I got up calmly from the bed and gently shook Lynn awake, “Lynn?” I spoke softly.
When she didn’t respond I shook her a little harder and said her name a little louder and she responded this time, “Beth? What is it?” she said as she slowly came out of her sleep.
“I think this is it.” I said brokenly and he gasped again. She did the same as I did when she heard it and looked at him then at the heart monitor. She got up and went to him with tears in her eyes, “Oh baby.” She said as she rubbed his hair softly.
By this time everyone woke up from the commotion and knew that this was it.
I sat on the unoccupied side of his bed and closed my eyes.
I heard him gasp again rapidly.
Tears flowed freely and I just silently began to pray to myself. It was the only thing that I had left. The only thing left that I knew to do.
I drew from that strength and pulled the oxygen mask of his face. I bent down and placed one last kiss on his lips. I probably lingered a little more than I should have, but it was the last time that I’d ever kiss him again. I pulled away and gave him three short little pecks on the lips and placed the mask back on his face. I leaned further and whispered into his ear, “Baby, if you can hear me. It’s ok. We’ll all be fine. I love you more than anything I’ve ever loved in my life, and I always will. Always and forever, baby.” Then I whispered the three hardest words that I thought I’d never whisper, “Just let go.” I placed a kiss on his temple and pulled back to look at him.
Then we all heard the sound that we had been dreading all night long.
On February 27, 2008 at 2:20 am I lost the only man that I would ever love.
On February 27, 2008 at 2:20 am at 25 years old I was made a widow.
On February 27, 2008 at 2:20 am the world lost one of its most beloved musicians.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Alright, so this one took longer than expected! I'm trying not let my updates get ahead of the chapters that I've got written! LOL. I just really hope everyone enjoys this. Alright nuff said...
Story Tags: tearjerker
