Chapter Two
Unbearable
For lack of a better word to describe how I’ve felt for the past month, HELL is just going to have to do.
While we had all the friends and family here to keep my mind somewhat occupied for a couple weeks I was doing as good as could be expected by myself.
But now that it’s just me surrounded by what’s left of Justin I can feel myself slowly going, insane, I guess is the best way to describe it.
Everyday around 6 I still find myself half expecting him to walk through the door just like he always did. But it never happens, and no one can ever know how much that hurts.
Everyday around 6 I get an instant replay of the past month in my head and it’s like I go through it all once again.
My phone rings constantly throughout the day and numerous times I have fought off the urge to just rip the cord out of the wall.
I don’t want to talk about how I’m feeling.
I don’t want to talk about how things will eventually get better.
The only way they will get better is if they somehow bring my husband back to me, and if they can’t do that I don’t want to hear it.
I don’t want to hear about how once you pass the first month things will seem so much easier. My husband isn’t going to be with me for the rest of my life. He wasn’t just my husband he was my best friend. How in the hell can that pain get any easier? How in the hell can that pain let up even just the slightest little bit?
So here I lay in our bed with the darkest blankets that I could find thrown over the windows. His pillow is beginning to lose his smell. I pull the pillow closer to my face and breathe in as deeply as I can and the familiar scent of his shampoo and cologne fill my nose. The lump in my throat grows bigger as tears begin to cascade down my face.
This happens at least 20 times a day as well. I’ll see something, hear something, or smell something that reminds me of him and tears find their way down my face.
Every memory of Justin begins to play through my head and I begin to cry harder into the pillow.
The phone begins to ring and I continue to cry into his pillow.
I probably have people convinced that I’m dead holed up in this house. I haven’t left for nothing and rarely do I answer the phone.
Finally the answering machine kicks on and I hear our voices:
“Hey we’re not here. Leave us a message!”
“Beth? Are you there?” I hear Trace’s voice come over the machine, “Please pick up. I’m really worried about you. I haven’t heard from you since I got back from New York.”
I sighed and wiped some tears off my face as I let the pillow fall back in its place on the bed.
“I can’t stand the thought of you going through this alone. Please talk to me. I miss you, and I could,” he sighed, “I could really use someone to talk too as well.”
I set up a little in the bed, and wiped more tears off my face and breathed in a deep breath.
“But if this is the only way I’m going to be able to talk to you then this will do. I’m finishing up some of the paperwork that Lynn was handling about Justin’s assets and where they’ll go.”
I grabbed the pillow again and hugged it to my chest, and I heard Trace’s voice break, “And this is so much harder than I thought it would be. I’m trying to do what I think Justin would want. I’d really like it if you’d give me some input on this. The majority of everything he owned is going to you; I know that’s what he would have wanted. It’s just I really need someone to talk to before I go crazy, Beth. I don’t want to be working out the assets of my dead best friend. I want him back. I want him here with you. I want things the way they used to be.” I heard him sniffle, and I began to reach out for the phone.
“You’re all I have Beth. And I feel like I’ve lost you too.”
“Hey.” I said into the phone as I cradled it between my neck and shoulder.
I heard him breathe in deeply and sigh, and I could almost hear his smile over the phone, “Hey. How much of that did you hear?”
“All of it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I should be the one apologizing. I’m sorry I worried you.”
“It’s my job. I just don’t want you going through this alone. You know you’re not alone right? I’m here. If you need me all you have to do is call.”
“I know, Trace. I just, I don’t want to see anyone right now.”
“Not even me? Look I know you lost your husband, but we both lost our best friend. I do not want to talk to you or see you because I think you need it. I’m doing it for me because I need it.”
Ok, so he had a point.
I’ve built my whole life around the fact that I always considered myself to be the most selfless person.
I’d give someone the shirt off my back if I knew they honestly needed it. I put other people’s needs above mine.
But these past few months I’ve lost sight of that person.
Trace lost his best friend. Well, I lost my husband.
Lynn and Paul and Randy and Lisa lost their son. I lost my husband.
His grandparents lost their grandson. I lost my husband.
Jive lost their meal ticket. I lost my husband.
Johnny lost his most prized, talented, musician. I lost my husband.
The world lost their precious idol. He was the man with the endless bag of tricks and talents who could light up the whole room with his smile, and ease the tensest situations with one stupid corny joke. Well, damn it, I lost my husband.
The only man in this world who could ever make me feel like the most important person in the room with one look or touch.
I’m sorry but I think I deserve the right to feel a little selfish in this situation.
“Please Beth? Let me bring you dinner. Have you eaten anything today?” He asked.
I’ve tried eating. All I do is throw everything back up. My diet has mostly consisted of crackers and soup. Though as the day progresses I can usually eat something a little heavier, but come daybreak it never fails I am hovering over my toilet throwing everything I ate the day before right back up.
My stomach made a leap and growled loudly at the thought and mention of food. For the first time in a while I am genuinely hungry.
I sighed and pulled myself further up in the bed, “I tried this morning but an hour later it decided to make its home somewhere outside my stomach.”
“Are you sick?”
“Honestly I don’t know what it is. I’m not nauseous all the time, and my stomach doesn’t hurt. I get queasy sometimes. It generally happens during the early hours and as the day progresses my stomach can finally handle something other than crackers and soup.”
“Have you talked to your mom about it?”
“She told me to just take it easy on myself and my stomach and if my vomiting doesn’t stop in a few days to come by the clinic.”
“How long ago was this?”
I rolled my eyes and hesitated in giving him my answer, “Last week. Look I’m fine alright? It’s just a bug.”
“What if it’s something else? Look, I’m coming over alright? I’m taking you to the clinic.”
“Trace I’m fine.”
“Beth, no you’re not. You don’t throw up everyday for a week and still be fine. I’m sure it’s just stress, and it’s completely understandable ok? But you can’t just go through this alone, ok? Let us help…”
And from that point on I didn’t hear anything else he said.
Everyone always said the same thing.
You’re going to get thru this.
Everything isn’t as bad as it seems.
And the worst…
I know how you feel.
No the fuck you DON’T know how I feel.
Did you lose your husband?
No you didn’t.
So don’t tell me how to fucking feel!
I know Trace means well. None of this is directed at him. He’s been amazing. He lets me feel everything in the moment no matter if it ends up in me crying on the phone for minutes on end or us laughing about memories of Justin.
Everyone else…well…it feels like they’re walking on eggshells around me.
Kind of like they expect me to just break down at any given moment, and then they apologize when they even utter Justin’s name in a conversation.
I need him right now, and I know he needs me. But right now I can’t even help myself how the hell am I going to help someone else?
I am being selfish aren’t I?
I’ve heard it said that when you’re grieving you don’t see anyone else’s pain but your own.
I guess that’s true.
“Please let me take you to the clinic, Beth. It will make me feel better.”
“How about we compromise? You bring me food and I’ll think about it.”
I heard him sigh. I know it’s not what he wanted to hear, “Fine, but I’m not leaving it alone. We’ll talk more when I get there.”
“I wouldn’t expect anything else.”
“I love you Beth. I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”
“I love you too Trace. But you can’t control that. So quit worrying about me and go get us some food, alright? I’m starved.”
“Alright, I’ll see you in a few.”
As soon as I heard the click my smile faded.
Was I happy there for a minute?
How can I even think of being happy again when everything I ever wanted isn’t here anymore?
~*~
“You know the guys have been calling and asking about you. They say they call but you never pick up.” Trace said as he shoveled noodles into his mouth with his chopsticks.
I’ve never seen anyone more attractive than him when he eats with chopsticks.
That was sarcasm by the way.
The man can’t even eat right with a regular fork and spoon.
“Yeah I heard their messages.”
“They’re worried about you Beth.”
“Can we make it through one dinner without talking about anything pertaining to the past month? I don’t want to talk about me throwing up, I don’t want to talk about how I feel, I don’t want to talk about what I’m going to do, and I don’t…I don’t want to talk about Justin or the guys or me not answering anyone’s calls, ok? Just for tonight.”
He swallowed and said, “Ok. What do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know. Just anything but current events, ok?”
“Your birthday is coming up, right?” Trace asked as he pushed some noodles around on his plate with the chopsticks.
Damn, I had almost forgotten about it.
It’s just going to be another day for me anyway. I just happen to get older on that certain date.
“I haven’t really thought of it actually.”
“How could you not? Is there anything you want to do?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Right, nothing. I have no desire to do anything, Trace. Honestly, does every thing we talk about have to lead right back up to this?”
He sat his plate down, “We can’t ignore it, Beth. It’s happening to us and we have to face it. It’s consuming both of our lives right now, what else is there to talk about?”
“How about the weather, how horrible the Lakers are doing this season, or what’s new on TV? Anything, but the pain we’re both feeling because the most important person in our lives isn’t there anymore.”
“We can’t avoid it, Beth.” He said calmly.
“I’m not avoiding it, damn it! I wake up to the constant reminder everyday! I wake up and for about 10 seconds I forget that everything happened, like it was a bad dream or something. I roll over and he’s not there, and it’s like a big huge slap in the face. And everything comes rushing back and I know it’s not a dream. That it’s the harsh fucking reality that I’ve been dealt. I deal with it every day. Every single second of every freaking day for the past month.” I say harshly with tears streaming down my face.
“This isn’t healthy, Beth. You’re shutting people out; you’re obviously not taking care of yourself. This isn’t you.”
I sighed and continued to cry. I leaned my head back against the couch.
I didn’t know what to say. There was no way I could make him or anyone understand the way I'm feeling.
I don’t even know how I’m feeling.
But I’m trying. I know I’m becoming self destructive. It’s just easier this way. I don’t have to feel all the sympathetic looks that people give. I don’t have to listen to all the condolences they have or how they think that they understand how I feel.
“I’m trying Trace. I honestly am. Just give me time.”
“Can you try harder?”
I sighed. He’s such the persistent little bastard.
“Yes.”
“So tomorrow you’ll get up at a decent hour, shower, and dress, make phone calls and let people know you’re alive, AND you’ll go to the clinic and get this sickness or whatever checked out by your mom?”
I know my eyes bugged open at the mention of all he wanted me to do.
“Are you slipping back into PA mode there Ayala?”
He smiled, “Just agree to it.”
“I can’t promise anything.”
“At least attempt it. That’s all I want. Just give me one, maybe even two.”
“Alright.”
And from that moment on all talk of my current depression ceased, and we didn’t talk about the obvious pain that had been subject of our previous disagreement.
Instead it was a night of catching up with each other, and on forgotten TV episodes. Thank god for DVR.
~*~
“Goooooddd Morning Memphis! It’s time to wake up and start your day off right with Mel and Sam in the morning right here on WKLZ 107.4. We’re kicking it off with one of our own. He’s quite loved around here, well known, and missed. So keep it locked right here for a 25 minute stretch of music this morning, and our American Idol concert give away!”
Ugh, I hate mornings.
I yawned and for once that nagging since to cry didn’t follow once I opened my eyes and didn’t feel him next to me.
Of course once I thought about it pushed the thought to the forefront, but I chose not dwell on it. Today was going to be a good day.
At least that’s what I was telling myself.
But I just needed a sign. Something to tell me that I was doing the right thing.
Well I knew sitting alone in this house wasn’t the right thing, but I didn’t think getting back out in the swing of things was the right thing either. No matter how much I wanted to crawl over to the corner and curl into the fetal position and cry my life away.
And then I heard the familiar beat. My favorite song he ever recorded and one that he deemed ‘our song’ of the ones that he recorded…
“Ain’t another woman that can take your spot my…”
And the smile immediately made its way to my face.
A smile that only he knew how to put on my face and one that hadn’t been there in a month.
“If I wrote you a symphony just to say how much you mean to me…if I told you were beautiful would you date me on the regular…?”
For once hearing his voice didn’t bring tears to my eyes. I knew it was my sign. That everything was going to be ok, and no matter what I chose to believe he was still there with me. And always would be.
I threw my covers off me and swung my legs over the side of my bed, and for once I felt I actually had a purpose for being out of my bed. I turned the volume of my alarm clock up as loud it would go, and made my way into my bathroom. No matter the looks, the stories, and how bad I wanted to run in the other direction, today was going to be a good day.
~*~
“Lizzie? Baby, what are you doing here?”
I smiled at my mom’s surprise to see me standing in her work place.
Wake up at a decent hour…check.
Shower…check.
Dress…check.
Go to the clinic and have my mom check me out…check.
So far that’s four things marked off my list.
Elizabeth Ann Timberlake was slowly coming back out among the living.
She came around the desk and wrapped me in a huge hug. The instant I felt the warmth and calm that only my mother could give, I felt ashamed for shutting her out when I needed her most.
“Are you ok?” she asked stepping back to look at me and she pushed some stray hair out my face.
“That’s actually why I’m here. I’m still not over whatever it is that's been going around.”
“Baby I told you to come in days ago. Why haven’t you been in sooner?”
“I just thought it was a thing that would go away.” I said.
“Well come on and I’ll have Doc look at you. How are you today?”
“Surprisingly I feel better than I have in a while. Today has just been a good day all around.”
She smiled at me and pulled me closer to her side as we walked down the long corridor to one of the empty exam rooms, “I’m glad Baby. So glad. I’ve been so worried about you. Everyone has.”
“I know, mom. I’m sorry that I’ve been shutting everyone out. I just needed this time to myself, I guess, to process everything without being under a microscope.”
“I understand, honey. It’s a pretty big adjustment you have to go through, but you don’t have to go through it alone. You’ve got so many people in your corner.”
“I know. I promise to not shut you guys out anymore.”
“I’m glad.” She said as she kissed my cheek as Doctor Malone walked in.
“Well isn’t this a pleasant surprise. Elizabeth, how’ve you been?”
He’s the only person in this town to call me by real name, and also the sweetest man I’ve ever known. He’s been my Doctor since I was born, and I just can’t seem to find anyone else that’s as good as he is in my eyes. He still gives me a sucker when I leave. Maybe that’s it.
“Hey Doc. I’ve been better I guess. But today is a good day.”
He smiled at me, “That’s good to hear, sweetie. So what seems to be the problem?”
“I’ve been throwing up a lot here lately, and having dizzy spells.” I said as he started with his routine examination of listening to my heart, looking at the back of my throat, looking in my ears, and asking me even more questions.
“Well it sounds to me like you’ve got a minor case of the stomach flu. You just need to continue with a liquid diet, try not to over do it on solid foods, and I’m going to prescribe you some anti nausea medicine that should kick what’s left of it in your system out. I want you to get this filled today. If the nausea hasn’t stopped in two days, I want you to come back and see me, ok? And we’ll go from there.” He said as he began to write something on his prescription pad and then peeled the piece off and handed it to me.
“Yes sir.” I said with a smile as I got up and he pulled me into a hug.
“It’s good to see you, Elizabeth. You take care of yourself alright? I don’t want to see you back.”
“I will, Doc.”
He squeezed me one last time before he let me go, and he grabbed my folder then walked out of the room leaving me and my mom alone.
“See? I told you, you should have come in when I told you.”
I rolled my eyes, “It wasn’t anything completely unbearable. I’ve grown quite accustomed to it actually.”
“Regardless, you would already have this thing beat by now if you’d just listen to me.”
“And I’m going to take that as my cue to go.” I said smiling at her sarcastically as I pulled myself down off the exam table.
“What are going to do when you leave here?”
“Well I’m going to go get my prescription filled, and probably find something to eat and head back home. I’ve got a lot of things to tend to that have been neglected a bit too long.”
“Do you think you have time for dinner with your mom tonight?”
I looked at my mom and smiled up at her. It was then that I realized just how much I really missed her. “Of course. What time?”
“How about 5:30? I get off at 4:00 that’ll give me time to get home and change.”
“That sounds great. I’ve missed you mom.” I said as she swung our hands as we walked back to the front of the office.
“I’ve missed you to baby.” She said as she brought my hand up to her mouth and kissed it and let if fall back to our sides.
“I’m sorry about everything.”
She stopped us just as we reached the door that would lead us back into the waiting room, “Beth you have nothing to be sorry for. You needed this time to grieve and to accept things for the way they are now. As much as I wanted to be there with you while you cried and curl up in bed beside you all those days, I knew I couldn’t and I knew that you weren’t shutting me out on purpose. Honey, you’ve done just fine. And you’re still doing just fine.”
“Thanks mom.”
“That’s what I’m here for baby.”
~*~
After I got some food in my system and got my prescription filled I was headed back toward my house and decided to call Trace to pass the time till I got back to my house.
“Hello?”
“You’ll be glad to know that I’ve completed four of the tasks you left for me last night.”
I heard his laugh, and I smiled, “I’m impressed. I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it.”
“Oh ye of little faith.” I said as I took a drink of my Coke from Burger King. Being holed up in my house for a month made me love the scenery before me as I drove by even more. It was almost like I was seeing everything again for the first time.
This place that I grew up. Was it always this beautiful in March?
Surely, I would have noticed.
Regardless, today was just…amazing.
For the first time in a month it was bearable. Like he was right there with me for every stop today. And that made me smile.
“So what four did you accomplish?”
“Getting up at a decent hour, which happened to be six this morning thank you very much, showering, dressing, and going to the doctors.”
“I would have thought that would be the one you’d put off.”
“Well, you thought wrong, Tracey.”
“Gah, I hate it when you call me that.”
“All the more reason for me to do it.”
He laughed, “I missed you Lizbo. You know that?”
I rolled my eyes and it his grotesque nickname for me, “I hate when you call me that.”
“All the more reason for me to do it.” He mocked.
“You’re funny Ayala.”
“Well it’s only one o’clock in the afternoon. Whatever are you going to do with yourself for the rest of day?” He asked.
“Mom and I planned to have dinner tonight after she gets off work. She’s picking me up at 5:30. And until then I planned to mark the other things off my list you left me, and pick up a few things that have been neglected around the house.”
“Sounds like a plan. It’s good to have you back, Timbs.”
I felt my eyes get misty, and my heart skip a beat at the mention of the shortened name we used for Justin. But regardless I smiled. “It’s good to be back.” I said quietly as I choked back the tears fighting their way out.
“One day at a time, ok? That’s all we can do. We’ll do it together, ok? You’ve always got me. We’re all each other have got now, babe. So face it you’re stuck with me.”
I smiled. I know he sensed the tears in my voice, and it was reassuring to know that I had at least ONE person left that knew me inside and out. “I think that’s a fate worse than death, Tracey Poo.”
I could hear him rolling his eyes at my snide remark and use of his dreaded nickname, “Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you.”
“Because I’m the only person that’ll put up with your shit and love you regardless.”
“That sounds about right. Well listen as much as I’ve enjoyed talking to you and would like to continue this I need to go. You caught me as I was going into a meeting.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. This was more important. I’m glad you’re taking my advice, Beth. Just hang in there ok?”
“I’m hanging. And thank you Trace.”
“I’m just doing my job. I always promised I’d look after you, and that’s what I’m going to do. Because contrary to what you may believe, I do love you Lizbo. I don’t know why, but I do.”
“I’m glad because I love you too Trace. Even when you get all sentimental and girly on me.”
“You really know how to ruin a moment, Beth.” He said as he laughed.
“So I’ve been told. But I won’t keep you from your meeting any longer. Just call me later alright?”
“Promise.”
“Alright, wow them with what intelligence you have Ayala.”
“I’m going to assume that was your twisted way of complementing me. Wish me luck.”
“Luck.”
“Bye, Liz.” He said as I heard his end of the line go dead.
Yep, things are beginning to slowly get back to what normalcy we have left.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Alright so I know this is quite a depressing subject matter that my twisted brain has decided for me to churn out but it just won't leave me alone. LOL. But please I hope you guys stay with it. It'll get better I promise I have big plans for this! Anyway, I was also wanting to take this time to say the usual I don't own Justin, Nsync, but the story is mine. Don't steal my stuff! And no copyright infringment stuff is intended. It's all from my twisted lil head! LOL. And thank you to all that has read! It really means a lot. Especially the ones that I've read all their stories too. I just hope mine brings you joy and all that mushy stuff that yours have brought to me! Anyway, enough of my incessant rambling and novel-esque AN...Enjoy!
Chapter End Notes:
Sooooo...go on and tell me whatcha think! If ya hate it tell me! If ya love it tell me! LOL. You guys are awesome!
Story Tags: tearjerker
