I don’t think I’ve ever seen my house this clean.
Scratch that, I don’t think I have ever CLEANED my house to where it looks this clean.
Is that bad?
Regardless, I don’t think I’ve ever seen that much dust in my life! Once I started I realized why it never got done in the first place.
Plopping down on the couch I breathed a sigh of relief and looked around at all I had accomplished. But I also saw what I couldn’t bring myself to do as well.
For example, there is still a pair of Justin’s dirty socks in the spot where he dropped them in front of the couch. It was a habit of his that I hated so much, but now I can’t bring myself to fix it.
~*~
“Is it so hard for you pick up your socks when you leave the room?” Beth asked as she bent over and grabbed the pair of socks that Justin had deposited on the floor in front of the couch.
“No.” Justin said as he took a drink of his water and continued watching television.
Beth rolled her eyes and looked up from the clutter she was shifting through on their coffee table to look at him, “Then why don’t you do it?”
He shrugged, “I just don’t.”
“You’re a real pain in my ass you know that?”
“But you love me.” He said as he smiled sarcastically at her, “But right now you’re a pain in mine. Can you move so I can watch the game?”
Beth breathed in deep, “Can you not see that I’m trying to clean here?”
“Babe, it’s a lost cause right now. Everything that you’re cleaning up I’m just going to go back behind you and mess up because I have no plans of leaving this couch for the rest of the day. This room is my domain for the day.”
“What if I wanted to watch TV?”
“Then you could either join me which happens to be my personal preference, or watch television in our room.”
“The house isn’t going to clean itself Timberlake.”
“Suit yourself, TIMBERLAKE.” He said sarcastically as he grabbed his socks out of my hand and took them into the laundry room.
~*~
Everything that he touched is exactly like he left it. And for now that’s exactly how it’s going to be. Even though I know it’s not true, but it kind of makes it easier to except. I see all his stuff still lying around and I think that he’s still here, in the flesh. I don’t know maybe it’s not healthy, but I can’t imagine coming down here and not seeing his dirty socks beside the couch. Or an empty chip bag with its contents scattered on the couch. But most of all I can’t imagine walking into my closet and not seeing his clothes hanging beside mine. That’s just…not now anyway. Maybe in due time.
Today was the first day in a while that I felt physically able to clean my house. Probably still not as clean as I’d like it to be, but it’s a lot, A LOT, better than what it was. My stomach flu has seemed to make itself scarce. I haven’t felt nauseated in a good two weeks which is great. Mom and Trace were still after me to go back to the Doc when a week had passed and I was still puking my guts up but of course I would hear nothing of it.
There is one good thing that I’ve gotten out of this cleaning spree today. And that was that I finally realized exactly how low I was on everything. During the week of the funeral everyone brought over so much paper towel and toilet paper and all that great stuff that I didn’t have to think about being out of it for the past…wow has it been three months already? Is it really May? Has it really been three months since I last saw my husband alive?
Stop, Beth. We’re not going to go there again.
My whole point is that I’m down to my second roll of toilet paper. I have NO paper towels. My fridge and pantry are embarrassingly low as well. I grabbed a notebook and pen and began to make my shopping list.
Shampoo
Conditioner
Body Wash
Makeup Remover
Tampons
Tampons?
That’s something that I haven’t seen…in a while.
Holy shit.
I haven’t had a period since…oh my god!
How did I not realize this?
I immediately get up, grab my planner out of my purse and flip back in the calendar to when I last wrote when I started.
Thumbing through the pages I finally landed on January 17 was when my last period ended.
And the last time we…his birthday.
We went away for the week for his birthday. Some completely boring place in the middle of nowhere. I think that was the whole essence of the trip because we didn’t leave that cabin once while we were there, and well, I don’t need to tell you the rest.
And I stopped using birth control two months prior to that. We were going to start trying for a baby after he got off the road. My doctor told me that when you stop you have to give your body time to adjust to being off the pill again. She said to at least give it two months. So we decided it would just be best if we gave my body the time while he was still away.
He was so anxious for a baby. We would stay up nights on end talking about it and he told every time it was brought up that he wanted to get right to work. As soon as his bags hit the floor.
My stomach immediately was immediately turning into knots.
What the hell does this mean?
Well I know what it means obviously. But I mean there are a number of reasons, well actually not that many, why I haven’t had a period.
I’ve heard when you’re under lots of stress it really messes with your cycle. Maybe that’s what this is.
Oh god.
I swallow and take a deep breath.
What if it’s the other reason why I haven’t had a period? I mean I haven’t had one in three damn months! That would explain why I’ve felt like complete shit and why it only comes in the mornings.
The sound of my phone ringing made me jump and pulled me out of my concentration. I looked at the called id and saw it was Trace.
“Hello?”
“Hey Lizbo, what’s shakin' bacon?”
Still in shock I was silent for a while, “Liz?”
The sound of Trace saying my name pulled me out once again, “What?”
“Did I call at a bad time?”
“Yes, no, I mean…shit.”
“What’s going on babe?”
“I-I don’t know where to start.” I said tears brimming in my eyes.
Why didn’t I catch this earlier?
I’m sure he heard my voice break over the phone because when he came back over the line I heard panic in his voice, “Beth do you need me to come over there?”
“Could you? I mean I’m fine. But I could really use you right now.”
“I’m on my way.”
Then I heard the line go dead.
~*~
An hour later after I’ve cried and bared my soul to Trace and told him things that he probably could have lived his life without knowing I find myself sitting on the edge of the bathtub waiting for a plus or a negative on at least 5 different pregnancy tests.
My leg is bouncing up down impatiently with Trace holding my hand the whole time.
“What if I am?” I blurt out randomly as I’m intently staring at one of the sticks in a cup.
He cleared his throat before he began, “Then it’s amazing, Beth.” I heard his voice break and looked over at him and saw the tears brimming in his eyes, “We’ll have a healthy, living, breathing, genetically charming, piece of Justin for the rest of our lives. You’ll be giving us all, including yourself, the greatest gift. This baby could never fill the whole that Justin left, but a big chunk of it would be filled.”
The tears immediately began to fall from my eyes, “He wanted this baby so bad, Trace. So bad. So do I. But I don’t want this without him. I can’t do this without him.”
He pushed my hair out of my face and rubbed some of the tears away, “Yes you can. And you will. Do you not realize how many people you have in your corner, Beth? You’ll never, NEVER be alone in raising this baby. Myself mainly. Justin would come back just to kick my ass if I wasn’t. You’re all I have left Lizbo. I plan on being right here beside you the whole time. If the roles were reversed and it was Justin in my place it would be exactly like I would want it. If for some reason I couldn’t be there for my loved one he’s the only person I would want standing in my place.”
I smiled through the tears, “You’re so much wiser than we’ve ever given you credit for Tracey. I have no idea where I would be without you here to pull my head out of my ass and set it on straight.” I said as I wiped at the tears. I looked up and took a breath as the timer went off.
“Want me to look?” Trace asked as he stood and let go of my hand.
I closed my eyes and shook my head yes.
My stomach was doing all kinds of flips and summersaults I thought I was going to be sick.
“According to all five…you’re pregnant.” He said as we made eye contact. I saw a smile slowly creeps its way on his face. “Congratulations.”
Tears begin to flow again and I laugh, “I’m pregnant.”
“Yep.”
My hand found its way to my stomach and rubbed gently.
“We should call the doctor and get you an appointment just to get it confirmed. Maybe your mom can work you in today?”
“I heard her talking about how they were going to be slow today. So I think she can.”
“You’re having a baby, Liz.”
“I’m having a baby.”
“Is it ok that I want yell with excitement?” He asked.
Not intentionally wanting to put a damper on the excitement that I’m feeling I asked, “Is it ok that I’m a little bit sad right now?”
He immediately pulled me from my perch on the tub and into his arms. “You feel what you have too. If you want to feel excited, feel excited. If you want to scream, scream. You have to let yourself feel every emotion as it comes otherwise you’re never going to get through this. I’m here, Liz. It’s me, and you don’t have to hide anything from me.”
And just like that I was a pool of tears in his arms as I screamed into his shirt and brought both of us to our knees. He soothingly rubbed circles on my back and just let me cry.
~*~
That afternoon after I let all my sadness and anger out, I was actually able to feel a little excited about everything.
Trace and I went to my mom’s clinic and she got me in to see Dr. Malone right away. I filled him in on everything and did a test of his own. Sure enough, I was pregnant. I thought my mom was going to scream with excitement. He immediately set me up for an ultrasound which is what we’re doing right now.
The sound of the constant whoosh whoosh of my baby’s heart is the most amazing sound I think I’ve ever heard.
“That’s sounds amazing.” I say as tears began to brim in my eyes. “Is everything ok?” I asked.
He smiled at me, “From what I can tell you’re carrying a very healthy baby. The heart beats sounds strong and normal.” He moved the transducer around my stomach some more. “It’s looks as if you’re a good five months pregnant.” He turned and looked at me. “How did you not realize this?” He said shaking his head as I shrugged. “I’m going to refer you to an OBGYN. She’s possibly one of the best in the state. She’s someone I think you’d be able to trust with your situation. I’ll give you her number. I want you to set up an appointment with her as soon as possible. And I think it’s safe to say you can stop taking that anti nausea medicine I prescribed.” He said with a smile as he pulled my shirt back down and turned off the monitor. He slid his stool over to the counter and began to write on a piece of paper. “This is her number. Her name is Dr. Jennifer Morgan.” He said as he stood and walked over to me to hand me the piece of paper. “I’ll have Angie fax over all your information today. So I’m sure her secretary will be calling you before you actually call her.”
“Thank you Doc.” I said with a smile.
“You’re welcome darling. Gosh, I still can’t believe you’re having a baby. Congratulations.” He said as he wrapped me up in a hug. “You’re going to have a lot of happy people on your hands.”
“I know.” I said smiling.
“I’ll see you soon, Elizabeth.” He said as he walked out of the room to tend to his other patients.
“I’m going to be Grandma.” My mom said disbelievingly. “I was beginning to think it was never going to happen. And now it is.” She said as she gently rubbed my stomach. “Hey in there. I’m your Grandma. You know you couldn’t have picked a better time to decide to make yourself known to us. We can’t wait to meet you.” She said as she placed a small kiss on my belly.
“And I’m your Uncle Trace. We’re going to have so much fun when you get here I’m going to teach you how to play basketball, how to fish, how to pick up girls-“
“This baby could very well be a girl you know.” I said laughing.
“I could still show her how to pick up chicks. She might find it useful in college someday.”
I rolled my eyes and laughed.
“Five months? Can you believe it? No wonder I couldn’t fit into any of my clothes.” I said looking down at my stomach.
I have had a lot of good days in the past two months since Justin has been gone, but I think this one tops the cake.
It was almost as if he was talking right to me. Telling me that everything was going to be ok, and he was taking care of it.
And he is.
This was my sign that everything was going to be ok. And that yes, no matter how bad I want to crawl under a rock and hide sometimes, life does go on.
~*~
September 25, 2002
“Momma Lynn!” Trace’s voice yelled from behind the video camera.
“Yes?” She said with a smile as she turned and faced the boy that was calling for her attention.
“Any words for the happy couple we were all forced to sit through this thing for?” He asked as she smacked his arm playfully and laughed.
“Why yes I do.”
“The groom happens to be someone special to you is that correct? Would you mind sharing with the audience what exactly that connection is?”
“Trace is this completely necessary? Aren’t you just supposed to tape everyone having fun?”
“What kind of best man/video director would I be if I didn’t record every moment of this glorious event?”
“Trace-“
“This would go a lot quicker if you’d just answer the question, mom.” Trace said as he turned the camera on himself and rolled his eyes and then switched back to the woman in question.
Lynn rolled her eyes as well but smiled playing along, “The groom is my son, Justin Timberlake.”
“The Justin Timberlake?”
She laughed, “Yes.”
“Any thing special you want to say to the happy groom and bride?”
“It’s about time. I knew from the moment you three met in daycare that Elizabeth Parker was someone special, and that somehow she’d always be around. From that day on the three of you became inseparable. Where one was the other two were sure to follow. Then one day that freckle faced jeans and t-shirt, tomboy girl turned into a beautiful young woman. And I knew, despite how the two of them tried to fight it, that one day we’d be standing here watching them pledge their love to one another and all the people close to them. There is no one that is a better match for my son than, Beth. She’s…just amazing.”
“Why mom those aren't tears that I see in your eyes are they?”
“Oh stop.” She said as she waved at him and brought her other hand to wipe away some tears. “Anyway, there’s no better match out there for my son than her. Over the many years that she has ran through my house with the two of you, I have grown to love her like the daughter that I never had, and now I have. I love you both so very much, Justin and Beth. And I hope that years from now you both look back on this and realize how much both of you have impacted everyone around you including me with your love that has spanned over so many years. And wonder why exactly it is that you both kept Trace around all these years.”
“Hey!”
Lynn laughed, “You guys have made me so very happy. The only thing that could make me happier is…grandbabies!! Come on you guys I’m not getting any younger!”
“Ugh, baby talk. Could this day get any more sickening?” Trace asked as he turned the camera on himself.
“Nope. You’re still around so its bound to get even sicker.”
“Har har, the groom in question got jokes. Get outta here man. You’ll get more camera time in due time.” Trace said trying to push Justin out of the shot.
“Tell me again why I put you in charge of the video?”
“Because you know you’d get the best quality and the best entertainment?”
“Because he was free of charge!” Beth said as she came into the shot as well standing on the other side of Trace.
“What a funny pair the two of them make huh guys?” Trace said sarcasm leaking from every word. “Would you two please get out of my shot? Your turn will come I promise.”
Lynn came over and placed a kiss on her son’s cheek, “Congratulations baby.”
“Thanks mom.” He said as he wrapped an arm around his wife.
“You better take good care of her, Timberlake.” She said as she pointed her finger at him.
“What? I’m your offspring! Shouldn’t this be reversed?”
“I have no doubt that Beth will take good care of you.”
“Are you getting this on tape Ayala?”
Trace snickered, “Every minute of it. Ha! Score for team Park-I mean Timberlake. Wow that’s weird.”
~*~
Taking a deep breath I knocked on the door of the house that I had been to a number of times throughout my childhood. Although this was the first time that I have seen this house without the person I intended to see not inside or by my side.
I knew the moment that I saw the pink lines and plus signs on the five different tests that this conversation was inevitable. The only person that knows EXACTLY how I feel and then some, and could possibly be more excited about this pregnancy than me, was on the other side of this door.
I loved this woman.
Just as much as I loved my own mother if not more.
She’s always treated me like one of her own. During the first couple of weeks of Justin’s death we leaned on each other so much. Probably a little too much. I wouldn’t see anyone but Lynn. Not even my own mom. Lynn was the only person I would talk to, even open the door for. I realize now that I probably hurt Trace and Mom a lot by not letting them in. But Lynn was just…she was the only one that knew what I felt. She lost her son, and I lost my husband. Those go hand in hand.
But after those few weeks I sunk even more into my depression without Justin there. It just got harder and harder too see her. I just stopped seeing her altogether.
It didn’t mean I didn’t love her any more or less. It was just so hard to see her. She was the most important person in Justin’s life. His mother was his world. With good reason. She’s the most strong, loving, kind person I’ve ever met. She lived for her son. I remember when we were younger and Justin was first toying with being an entertainer. She sat with him and talked about every single aspect of it. How far he intended to go. If it was just a phase that he was going through. It soon became evident that Justin Timberlake was destined for more than just the small town of Millington, Tennessee. And Lynn bent over backwards to make sure that Justin had every option that she didn’t have. She
made sure he seized every single opportunity that he was handed with all he had.
I’m sure you can see why it became so hard to see her. But god I missed her.
And the one thing that we both wanted so much was here. Justin was here. Maybe not him exactly, but so much of Justin was in this child. We had a living, breathing part of Justin. And it could be the one thing that could bring us both out of this deep dark hole.
I smoothed my shirt down in front of me and shifted my purse on my shoulder as I heard the door opening.
I heard her breath catch in her throat, and saw the tears brimming her eyes as she saw me. “Hey mom.” I said weakly fighting back my own tears.
She immediately engulfed me into a hug.
I breathed deep. She still smelled the same. Like…god I don’t even know how to describe that. She just smells like home. Everything good that I remember about my childhood. Everything good that I remember about my husband.
“Honey, it’s so good to see you. I have missed you so much. I’ve been so worried about you. I was beginning to think that I’d never see you again.” She said as she pulled back and looked me over. Inspecting me like every mother does. Going over the mental check list in their heads. Was I eating right? Was my hair longer? Am I taking proper care of myself?
I smiled weakly and choked back my tears, “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I haven’t been by or called. I just…it’s been, well it’s been rough. And I just…it was hard you know? But I didn’t mean to push you away.”
She smiled, and pushed my hair back behind my ear and rubbed the side of my face, “I know honey, I know. You don’t need to explain anything to me ok? I’m just glad you’re here now.” She said as she grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Are you hungry?”
I smiled at her, and wiped at my tears, “Always.” I said as she led me into the house.
She closed the door behind us and led us both into the kitchen. “Where’s Dad?” I asked referring to Paul as I sat down at the breakfast table.
“He’s, well, he’s golfing. Can you believe that?” She asked as she poured us both a glass of tea. The healing liquid of the South.
Golf. It was no secret that both our husbands loved to golf. Paul was the whole reason Justin got into the sport to begin with. He always saw it as time spent with his Dad, and it slowly became an obsession.
For the both of them.
I can’t tell you how many golfing events I was drug too. I thought the sport was rather boring myself, but it made me happy to see him so excited about something that he loved so much.
Paul always kept his clubs beside the door. Like Justin’s sock habit. Golf Clubs were Paul’s. I can’t tell you how many arguments I’ve heard Lynn and Paul get into over him not putting them up in the hall closet. Lynn always lost, kind of like me with the dirty socks.
When Justin died, the golf clubs were put up. Lynn, during the times we still saw each other regularly after Justin’s death, told me anything pertaining to golf Paul would completely ignore or change the channel.
My eyes got wide, “Really?”
Lynn smiled, “Yes. I asked him why and he told me it just felt like a good day for golf. I don’t know what was so special about today, but whatever it was it’s sure welcomed.” She said as she sat down across from me at the table. She handed me my glass and I immediately brought it to my lips. “It’s just…today has been surprising to say the least. It’s been a good day. One of the best I’ve had in a while.” She said sipping her tea and placing it back on the table.
I smiled at her, “I’m glad. So glad.”
“The boys have been calling daily.” She said smiling. I knew who she was talking about. Justin’s surrogate brothers. “They all ask about you. We’ve all decided to get together on the fourth of July. I’ve really missed them all. I think it’d be good to get them all together. Justin always wanted that.” She said as she looked down at the table.
“I know. I think that’s a great idea. I never thought I’d hear myself saying it, but I really miss them all.” I said as she laughed.
“Me too, honey. When they were all together, especially when they first started out. They’d all spend days camped out here at the house. I prayed for the days when the peace and quiet would come. Now I kind of miss it.” She said scrunching up her nose as she laughed.
“I do too. Well except those time where they all ganged up on me. God, even Trace went over to the Dark Side.” I said as I shook my head.
A comfortable silence fell over both of us as we both drank our tea.
Lynn finally broke it, “So, how have you been honey? Things been getting easier for you?”
I smiled and slowly shook my head, “Day by day. There are days that all I want to do is scream and cry, but here lately those days have been few and far between. Then there are the days that, I just feel like myself again. As much as I can feel anyway.”
She reached across and grabbed my hand, “That’s good honey. I was getting so worried about you. Trace kept me updated on you though. God, that boy has been such a god send. I just…I love and appreciate him a lot more now you know? Every time I look at him, I see Justin. He doesn’t take the place of my own son, doesn’t come even close, but he makes it easier. I’ve always thought of him as my own anyway. You as well, sweetheart. You’re still mine though. Always will be.” She said as she brought my hand up to her lips as she kissed it.
I smiled at her. “I’m going to be completely honest with you. There is a reason why I’m here today.” I said.
“I thought so.” She said smiling as she got up from her spot at the table. “I’ve been meaning to bring this all over to you, anyway. Follow me, honey. I’ve got all the paper work regarding his assets in the-“
“Oh god, no.” I said smiling, gently interrupting her, “I’m not here for all of that. That’s the furthest thing from my mind. I mean, well, I know I can’t put all that stuff off any longer than I have, but I’m here because of something else.”
She gave me a bewildered look. As if she was trying to figure out what it was exactly. She crossed her arm over her chest, “What is it?”
“I think you should sit down.” I said.
“Oh god. Is it bad? Are you ok honey?” She asked as she scooted her chair closer to mine.
I grabbed both of her hands, and smiled at her reassuringly. I squeezed them both, and said, “It’s nothing bad. It’s…it’s very good actually.”
She smiled again, “What is it, baby? Are you going back to work or something? I mean you know you don’t have too. But I understand it’s something to keep your mind off things and-“
“Mom. No. No. It’s not that either. I don’t even know where to begin. I couldn’t believe it myself when I found out.” I said as tears began to fall. I smiled through them as best I could.
“Honey what is it?” she asked as she rubbed my cheek reassuringly.
“I just thought…I always thought we’d be telling you this together. But he’s not here.” I said as I breathed deep and smiled as I let out the breath. “I am. So here it goes…I’m pregnant.”
Silence.
I swear I could hear crickets chirping.
“Mom? Mom are you ok?”
She shook her head, “Say that again?”
“I’m pregnant.” I said with a smile as I saw her finally sink it in. Tears immediately came to her eyes and her hand flew up to her mouth.
“How? I mean I know how, but…he’s…you haven’t? Oh god I know you haven’t but how the…”
I laughed, “His birthday. I know you don’t want to know that, but that was the last time.”
“His birthday?” She asked.
“Remember we went away for the weekend?”
“Yeah I remember. God he was so excited about that.” She said laughing as we both tried to see through our blinding tears. She sniffled, “Pregnant? Oh honey do you know what this means?” She said as she pulled me into a tight hug.
We sat that way for the longest time. Just holding each other and crying on the other shoulder. We didn’t even hear the door open.
“What’s going on? Beth? Is that you?” Paul asked.
Lynn and I immediately pulled apart and stood. Both of us wiping at our eyes.
“What’s going on?” He asked again as he walked his clubs back out to the garage.
When he came back he walked over to Lynn and I and pulled me into a hug. “We’ve missed you around here, kid. Now are you guys going to tell me what’s the matter?”
“Beth has some news, babe.”
He looked down to me and pulled me closer to his side, “You’re not moving away from us are you?”
I looked up at him and shook my head no. He squeezed me tighter in support, “Are you ok, honey? You’re not sick or anything?”
“It’s good, Paul. Just let her talk. Give her a minute.”
“Should we sit down?” He asked.
“Probably.”
Lynn and I sat down again as Paul joined us.
“Well-“ I began.
“She’s pregnant!” Lynn said as she squealed beating me to the punch.
“Pregnant?” He said mirroring the reaction Lynn had.
I laughed, “Five months to be exact.”
“Five months? Wow.” Paul said as he sat in shock.
“This mean we’ve only got four months to prepare. Oh honey, you just, you just don’t know how happy you’ve made me. You’ve finally brought some light back into my life. It’s almost as if we’ve got him back.” Lynn said.
See what I mean? What did I tell you? She knows. She just…knows. Everything I felt she’s mirroring. And everything I’ve thought she’s saying. She’s…Lynn. My mother in law. My second mom. My baby’s grandmother!
I can’t believe I’m saying that! Wow.
Paul looked up at me again and smiled, “I’m going to be a grandpa.” He said as he looked back over to Lynn, “I told you it was a good day to go golfing.” He said as Lynn began to cry. “He’s telling us everything is going to be ok. We’re going to be ok, girls. I know it.” He said as he took both our hands and squeezed them.
“Yes we are.” Lynn said, “Have you made any appointments?”
“Dr. Malone referred me to an OBGYN he knows, Jennifer Morgan. I have an appointment with her on Monday at 8:00 am. I was, kind of wondering if you’d go with me? My mom has to work that morning and I think Trace has a meeting that day and I really don’t want to go by myself.” I said rushing it out in one breath.
“Wild horses couldn’t keep me away.” Lynn said as she grabbed me into a hug again. “I love you so much, Beth. So much.”
“I love you too, Lynn.”
“Well I think this is a cause to celebrate. What do you say girls? Let go into the city and have dinner.”
“I don’t know Paul. Beth may have plans.” Lynn said looking at me.
“Oh come on, Beth. You don’t mind hanging out with the old folks do ya?”
I laughed, “I can’t think of any other old folks I’d rather hang out with than you two. What time?” I asked.
“6:00.” He answered proudly as he wrapped his arm around Lynn’s shoulder pulling her into him.
Would it be horrible to admit that I was a little jealous right there?
They got to enjoy learning they’re going to be grandparents together.
And me?
I’d never have that.
My husband will never get to hold his child.
My child will never be able to know their father.
Sensing my change in mood, Lynn knelt down to me, “You’re going to be fine, baby. We’ll be here for you.”
I smiled and choked back my tears, “I know you will. It’s just…it’s everything he ever wanted, you know? I could never get him to shut up about this. Especially the last couple of months before. Having a baby was all he could talk about. And he won’t get to experience any of it.” I said letting the tears fall now. “It’s just…it’s not fair.” I said as I wiped at the tears with the back of my palm. “I’m sorry. I know this is a good thing. I wouldn’t change it. But I just wish you know? I wish he could be here to share in this.”
Lynn pulled me into her again, “I know honey. I wish the same things. But don’t you for one second believe that he’s not here right now. He’s right here.” She said pointing at my heart. “And he’s everywhere in this house. In your house. I honestly believe that he’s exactly where he would be if he were here right now. Right by your side. Joining in on this happy moment. The moment that he created. And as for this baby? This baby will grow up knowing it’s father. How much he wanted them, and how much he loved them. I promise you that.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about baby stuff. And old times. And when six o’clock came we went to dinner like Paul said. And I can’t tell you the last time that I had such a great time.
Why was I nervous before I knocked on that door?
I don’t know.
But for the first time in a long time, I actually believed that I was going to be ok.
Those words weren’t just words that were being spoken. I actually believed them.
I WAS going to be ok.
I was going to be a mom!
Author's Chapter Notes:
Been a while huh? I had this chapter planned, but I must have wrote it and re-wrote it five times before I was finally satisfied with this version. Maybe it's the perfectionist in me. Who knows? But regardless I don't think I could have been any happier than I am with this version. I hope it was all worth the wait.
Incomplete
Jamie Lynn is the author of 3 other stories.
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Story Tags: tearjerker
