Maybe

The Florida sun beat mercilessly overhead as people began to drive up to Chris Kirkpatrick’s house. Nyx watched Chris smile in greeting and hug his friends, who were coming in droves. She didn’t see the now familiar faces of the other NSYNC boys, but she knew it wouldn’t be long until they showed up, and the thought made her stomach lurch. She dropped the blinds and took a deep breath, standing up to check herself in the reflection in one of *NSYNC’s framed platinum records. She didn’t look as if she had been crying for the past ten minutes, which was good, but she did not know which standard she was going to be held up to, so for the millionth time, she considered changing her outfit.

Chris had told her that it was just a BBQ and not a record party, but she knew the girls that hung around entourages like these. They were certain to be gorgeous and tall and scantily clad, and probably would be changing into bikinis when it got hotter. Nyx looked down at herself, dark jeans and boots and blue Sinful shirt wasn’t bad, right? Plus, if they judged her, fuck all of them, she thought, sticking her chin out defiantly, but her expression faltered, and she sagged. She wished she had some coke, just a line or two, to give her courage. She shook the thought away. No, no coke. It was already getting hard to determine where the coke ended and she began.

No, she’d do this for Chris. She owed it to him after him taking such good care of her. She squared her jaw and strode towards the door, but before she could get to it, Chris burst into the room.

“What are you doing, babe? C’mon, everyone’s here.”

Nyx smiled at him bravely. “I’m coming, was just double checking myself.”

Chris grinned appreciatively at her. “Hey, wow, you look hot, spin around for me.” Nyx blushed, but obliged, and he gave her a wolf whistle. “Going to have to keep an eye on you, you’re going to cause some trouble, girl. Joey better step off.”

Nyx cocked an eyebrow. “Isn’t he married?”

Chris shook his head, laughing. “Once a player, always a player, and trust me on it.” He took her hand and pulled her out of the room.

She could see people milling around outside through the glass panes in the door, and Chris sensed her hesitancy.

“You ready?” He asked, peering at her.

Nyx nodded, trying to project confidence she didn’t feel. Chris smiled understandingly at her. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

She glared at him. “Nervous, are you crazy? Let’s do this thing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Nyx.” Chris said quietly, and she flushed, ashamed.

“Okay, I am a little nervous, but I’m kind of excited, too. It’s just…they…” She tried to find the words, and Chris shook his head, taking her hands and squeezing them.

“Most of them, you’ve already met at the paintball tournament, and they’ve been asking about you ever since they got here. They want to know where that little bloodthirsty piece of ass is hiding, and if I don’t bring you out soon, they will start wrecking the property. As for the group, I KNOW them, Nyx. And they know about you, so it’s not like they’re not looking forward to it.”

Nyx looked shocked. “They…know about me?”

Chris laughed. “Of course they do, butthead. And they came out to this party to meet you, and if they get here and they find out you’re nervous about meeting them, they’ll bust down my door, grab you, and throw you in my pool. Now, for the sake of my house, get your hot little ass out there.”

When he led her out of the house, she was laughing.
******************************************
Chris flipped the burgers and took a swig out of his beer, standing up on his tiptoes to check on Nyx through the crowd. She was standing with Dave and Ernie, his other bandmates in Nigels 11, and they were evidently teasing her about her paintball techniques, because Dave was imitating her and she was cracking up.

He smiled with relief. From the second she had gotten into the backyard, she had been greeted instantly by the guys from the tournament, and they had immediately taken her under their wing. Chris had asked her if she was comfortable enough for him to start grilling, and she had shooed him away. It felt good to see her laugh and interact with other people, especially his friends. And it made him feel proud when his guy friends had congratulated him about her, teasing him about robbing the cradle. They found her hilarious and extremely hot, and that was a big compliment from some of them. But their compliments were nothing next to the ones he was hoping to get from his brothers, who were on their way over at the moment. He had told Joey and Lance all about her, but it was JC and Justin who didn’t know that much, and Chris fervently hoped they liked her. Lance and Joey pretty much liked everybody, but it was JC and Justin who generally set the tone for the entire band.

Chris flipped over the hot dogs and downed the rest of his Heineken. He was about to root in the ice chest for another one when he heard a huge commotion at the gate to his backyard, and he heard Joey’s loud voice over the din of music and people talking. Chris’s eyes immediately flew to Nyx, who was sitting on the steps leading up to the waterfall. She smiled at him, but it was a tight one, and he sent a reassuring wink her way. Joey got to him first, and Chris abandoned the grill to give him a huge hug.

“Where’s the wife and the kid, Joe?” Chris asked, peering around his best friend.

“They stayed at home, givin Daddy some time to hang with the boys. Where’s your girl? I want to give her a big Joey hug.” Joey looked around, trying to spot Nyx from the description Chris had given him. Chris chuckled. “She’s a bit nervous, Joe.”

“Did you tell her I’d throw her in the pool?” Joey asked mischievously, and Chris laughed. “Yep. I can’t just release her into the wolf den without that warning.”

“Well, point her out before I go picking up all the girls and tossing them in the pool.” Joey teased, and Chris looked towards Nyx and jerked his head in her direction.
Joey looked over and whistled. “Short little redhead? Damn, Chris! You trying to show me up, man?”

Chris snickered. “As if I could.”

“How old is she?” Joey wanted to know, sending a flirtatious wink in Nyx’s direction, which made her blush.

Chris hid his smile behind his beer. “Twenty five.”

Joey waited.

Chris cleared his throat. “Next October.”

Joey clapped him on the back. “Damn, Chris, who the hell gave you permission to rob the cradle!? Twenty four! Justin is going to freak!”

Chris met Nyx’s eyes and tipped his head, and he could tell she was drawing a deep breath as she rounded the slide and approached them. “Joey, this is Nyx. Nyx, this is Joey.” Nyx smiled. “Superman, right?” Joey pulled his “lover man” expression and Chris groaned. Here we go. He took Nyx’s hand and kissed it.

“Piacevole per incontrarlo, bello.” Joey murmured, and Nyx gave him that half smile. “Inoltre, roba caldo.” She returned, winking, and Joey looked impressed. “Are you Italian?” Joey asked, flirting. Nyx giggled. “Close. Greek.”

“Chris, I’m impressed. Beautiful and smart. Way to go, buddy.” Joey punched Chris in the arm, and Nyx flushed.

“Yeah yeah yeah, you’re married, Fatone, watch yourself.” Chris said good-naturedly, slipping an arm over Nyx’s shoulders and offering Joey a beer.

“Married, not dead.” Joey reminded him, and winked at Nyx, who laughed, unable to resist Joey, as most girls were apt to do.

“Hey Lance! Come and meet Chris’ girlfriend!” Joey hollered, and Chris shook his head, unable to stop his grinning. Joey would always be Joey.

Lance appeared at Joey’s side and Chris let go of Nyx to give Lance a hug.

“How’s it going, Poofoo?” Chris teased, and Lance rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Chris.”

“Poofoo?” Nyx asked, raising her eyebrows.

“Aw, God bless her, she’s clueless. I’m Lance, and you must be Nyx.” Lance offered up his hand and Nyx took it.

“Pleased to meet ya, Poofoo.” Everyone laughed.

“Ughhh, Kirkpatrick, look what you started.” Lance groaned. Joey leaned close to Nyx. “You can’t not know Lance and not call him Poofoo.”

Nyx nodded. “Duly noted. Sorry Poof. I just got schooled.”
So far, so good, Chris thought, his nerves at ease for the time being. Two down, two to go. He slipped his arm around Nyx’s waist and whispered, “See, I told you!” Nyx nodded and winked up at him.

“Awww, that’s so cute.” JC’s voice cut into the group, and Chris flipped him the finger, then gave him a slap on the back. JC smiled down at Nyx, and held out his hand.
“Nyx?”

“I sure as hell hope so.” Nyx teased, slipping her hand into JC’s, who laughed.

“Chris has told me a lot about you, I’m glad to finally meet you. I was beginning to think Chris was giving personalities to his blow up dolls, so it’s a relief to know you’re real.”

Chris scowled playfully at JC and shoved him. Nyx laughed, and Chris could see that she was starting to feel at ease. “Where’s Just?” Joey asked, and JC rolled his eyes. “On the phone with the woman. It was torture the entire way here.”

“Oh, Jessica’s not coming? Dammit, she’s nice to look at in a bathing suit.” Joey commented, and everyone rolled their eyes, with the exception of Nyx, who just looked confused. She leaned closer to Chris’ ear. “Jessica?”

Chris chuckled. “Biel.”

“Oh!” Nyx flushed, embarrassed.

A chorus of loud voices rang up once more from the gate and immediately voices began calling out Justin’s name. Chris saw Nyx steel herself next to him, and he tightened his grip on her waist reassuringly.

Justin came sauntering up into their little group just as Chris noticed the burgers burning. He yelped and left Nyx to rectify the problem, leaving her standing alone to receive whatever reception Justin Timberlake was going to offer. Justin gave hugs and backslaps to the other guys, and then his eyes fell on her. Chris, having got the grill situation under control, made a move to return to Nyx’s side, but Joey beat him to it. He threw an arm around Nyx’s shoulder and pulled her against his side. “Hey Justin, this is Chris’s girl, Nyx. Nyx, this is the Paragon of Pop.”

Everyone laughed, but Justin just chuckled and approached Nyx with the patented Justin Timberlake “Make Em Melt” grin.

“Nyx, huh? Well, pretty lady, it’s an honor.”

Nyx blinked for a second, and then regained composure. She stuck out her hand, looked Justin dead in the eye, and quipped, “Same to you, pretty dude!”

Justin looked momentarily stunned, and Chris hid his laughter while the rest of the group roared. Justin was used to girls falling to pieces in front of him, not teasing him, and Chris was secretly proud of Nyx for not doing so, and relieved that he wouldn’t have to be jealous of his best friend.

Justin got over his shock and started laughing, then ignored Nyx’s hand and pulled her into a friendly hug. Whatever tension had been there before, it was no longer existent and Chris winked at Nyx, who nodded gratefully back at him.
********************************************
“So what’s the decision on Chris’ new woman?” Joey asked, cracking open a new beer and tipping his head in Chris’ and Nyx’s direction, where they were talking with Dave and Mike.

“Keeper.” JC and Lance chorused in unison, and they looked at Justin for an answer.

Justin shrugged. “I like her. Chris seems to be happy.”

Joey raised his eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound too
enthusiastic, Just.”

“You’re just weirded out cause she intimidated you first.” JC teased, and Justin laughed.

“She’s definitely different in that way.”

“C’mon Justin, Chris looks happy. Really happy, in fact.” Lance pointed out.

“Yeah, I know.” Justin sighed.

“Then what the hell is the problem?” JC wanted to know, crossing his arms.

Justin took a sip of his beer and looked down at the ground. “I just feel bad because we’ve basically left him behind. He was having a hard time with drinking, you guys, and we were too busy to help him. What if something goes wrong with this girl?”

The other three looked at each other guiltily.

“Dude, Chris is a big boy. He’ll be fine. Let’s try to get to know her. Chris told me that the poor girl was nervous about meeting us.” JC pointed out, and Joey scoffed.

“Nervous, why the hell would she be nervous? Look at us, we’re dorks. Especially Justin.”

Justin rolled his eyes and flicked his finger in answer.

“Was she a fan?” Lance asked, and JC shrugged. “I don’t think so, she doesn’t act like one. She didn’t fall for the Justin test, and I didn’t see her getting all starry eyed with the rest of us.”

“Then she’s down to earth, which is perfect for Chris.” Lance amended.

Justin shook his head. “I don’t know, you guys. There’s something about that girl I can’t put my finger on.”

They rolled their eyes in unison. “Justin, give the poor thing a chance. Besides, we have no room to determine what is good for Chris or not-we’re never around. If she keeps him away from drinking, then she’s got my vote, all the way.” JC raised his beer in a toast to Chris, who seconded it across the pool with a wink.

Lance clapped a hand on Justin’s shoulder and gave him a shake. “I know how much you love him, Just. We all do. But we all knew it would happen one of these days, hell, we hoped for it. Nyx will take care of him.”

Justin nodded. “Or,” He said under his breath, “it’ll be the other way around.”
**************************************
The party was in full swing by the time two o’ clock came around, and after eating, everyone proclaimed Chris Master of the Grill, a title for which he bowed dramatically and Joey pretended to knight him with a spatula. I laughed and sipped my Coke, watching.

I liked the *NSYNC guys, they were every bit as easy going that Chris said they were. Joey was the one I probably could identify with the most-we spent about an hour talking about his experience working on the My Big Fat Greek Wedding movie. JC was a lot more relaxed then I had thought he would be-Chris had told me how stressed out and focused he would get before shows. But he seemed interested in learning about New Orleans, because he enjoyed jazz, and it was fun talking to him. Lance was very shy but as the two extreme Southerners, we both fielded good natured teasing from the other guys and returned the jeers. It was Justin that I wasn’t sure about, and I got the really weird feeling that he felt the same way. I had caught him watching me and Chris together, and I saw a little more knowledge in his eyes then I was comfortable with. I could tell that he loved and respected Chris a great deal, and I could understand his withholding himself in front of me. Justin Timberlake was trying to psych me out. I laughed to myself as I considered the absurdity of that statement. But I couldn’t blame him-wasn’t I trying to figure out the same thing? That I was good enough for Chris, after all?

After eating, everyone started to go into the house to change into their bathing suits, and I panicked-I had not known there would be swimming. As usual, when I started to panic, I felt a nosebleed coming on, and thankfully I wasn’t encumbered in conversation. I made a quick but graceful retreat, and hurried to the bathroom, which was locked, of course.

“Shit.” I looked down into my hand, and it was already stained with red, and I turned to go upstairs, but just then the bathroom door behind me opened.

“Nyx, you need the bathroom?”

I closed my eyes. Christ, the one person I didn’t want to see when I was bleeding all over his best friend’s carpets-Justin Timberlake. “Nah, I’ll just use the upstairs one. Thanks.” I called, and I could feel him watching me as I ran up the stairs. Thankfully Chris’ bathroom wasn’t occupied, and I closed the door and grabbed a wad of toilet paper, sitting with a sigh on the toilet lid.

What was I doing?
********************************************
Justin watched Nyx’s retreating back as she hurried upstairs, away from him. He wasn’t sure, but he could have sworn he saw blood on her face. Just then, Chris exploded into the living room.

“Hey dude, you seen Nyx?” Chris asked, breathless. Justin nodded. “She went upstairs to the bathroom. I was down here.”

“Oh, okay. What do you think of her, Justin?” Chris’s happy smile made Justin hurt inside. He forced himself to grin.

“She’s cool, man. I’m happy for you.”

But Chris knew him too well, and he tipped his head to the side. “But?”

Justin sighed. “Look, dude, does she make you happy?”

Chris raised his eyebrow. “Would we be having this conversation if she didn’t?”

Justin shook his head.

“Justin, come on man. You barely know her. You’re my brother, I know when something’s not right with you. What is it?” Chris reached out and grabbed Justin’s arm.

Justin checked both hallways before stepping closer to Chris. “I’m just worried-you’re recovering, Chris. I don’t want you to get hurt. Does Nyx even know you had a problem?”

Chris, who rarely ever got angry, narrowed his eyes at Justin. “No, she doesn’t. And I’m doing fine, I have been since I met her.” “Oh, really? Then why are you out there chugging beers like there’s no tomorrow?” Justin hissed, and Chris glared at him.

“Oh, NOW you want to show some interest?”

Justin, stung, could not think of a retort.

“Listen, Justin, whether you accept her or not, I’m extremely happy. And if you want to keep her at a distance and freeze her out, then don’t bother coming to my house anymore because Nyx doesn’t deserve that shit from anybody. Especially you.”

Justin felt as if Chris had just sucker punched him, and he swallowed. “Chris, come on. Don’t be that way. I’m sorry, dude, if I made her feel uncomfortable. Don’t be pissed, okay? I’m happy if you’re happy. You know that.”

Chris considered him for a minute, then sighed. “Fine, you prick. Give me a hug.”

Justin, relieved, obeyed, and Chris jerked his head towards the backyard door. “Go and stop Joey before he knocks all the water out of my pool. I’m going check on my woman.”

Justin nodded and watched Chris climb the stairs, three at a time, but despite his promise to Chris, he still felt cold.
*******************************
Chris knocked on his bathroom door. “Hey, babe, you in there?”

He heard scuffling. “Yeah, it’s me. What’s up?”

“You ok in there?”

Nyx opened the door and he walked in, stopping when he saw the bloody tissue in her hand.

“What happened?” Chris wanted to know, peering at her face.

“Not sure, you know how it just starts up.” Nyx shrugged, and leaned close to the mirror to check her nose.

“We need to go get that checked out.” Chris hopped on the counter next to her.

Nyx made a disdainful noise. “I’m sure my health insurance could hold out for something more serious.”

“What if it is serious?” Chris countered, and Nyx looked at him and rolled her eyes. “Nosebleeds? You worry too much.” She threw the tissue into the toilet and flushed it.

“Are you having fun?” He wanted to know, and she grinned at him.

“Yes, I am. You were right, the guys are just big kids. I can’t believe how nervous I was.”

Chris smiled at her. “I knew they’d love you.”

She blushed and tried to hide it by jumping up on the sink next to him.

They sat in silence for a second, then Chris gently bumped her shoulder. “Listen, I wanted to apologize if Justin made you feel uncomfortable. Sometimes he does that to people, and doesn’t realize it.”

Nyx shook her head. “He’s just watching your back. I’d do the same. He’s a good friend.”

Chris shrugged easily, though the conversation with Justin was weighing heavily on his mind. “He won’t do it again, he’ll try to get to know you, now.”

Nyx bumped his shoulder in return. “We should be getting back to the party.”

Chris turned his cheek towards her and tapped it, and Nyx, giggling, pecked him.

As they were exiting the bathroom, the doorbell rang. Chris looked over the balcony in bewilderment. “Who the hell is coming to the front door?”

“I’ll go get it, nobody needs to know who’s in the backyard.” Nyx said, hurrying down the steps. Chris stayed at the top of the stairs, watching as she opened it. He saw her steel herself, and leaned over to see the visitor. Nyx leaned her head against the door.

“Alan.”
****************************************
“I need to talk to you, Nyx.” Alan whispered, and I looked up at Chris, who was dismounting the stairs.

“Chris, it’s just Alan, I’ll be out on the front porch, okay?”

Chris didn’t look happy about it, but he nodded, and I pushed Alan off of the doorstep and closed the door behind me. He still had coke flaked in the corners of his nose.

“Clean your damn face off.” I hissed quietly, looking to make sure none of the partygoers were in the driveway.

Alan rubbed his nose impatiently, looking me up and down.

“Playing hostess?” He guessed bitterly, and I rolled my eyes. “My God, will you grow up? I’m at a party, for Christ sakes.”

“Well, isn’t that fun. You’re at a party while I’m alone at home.” Alan muttered, and I snorted in exasperation.

“Christ, Alan, what do you WANT?!”

“Nyx, I’m going crazy over there. I’m freaked out that I’ll do something stupid.”

“Like what?” I demanded, and Alan shrugged. “I just don’t think I can be alone. Please, Nyx.”

“Please, what? What do you want me to do about it?” I hissed.

Alan looked unsure. “I don’t know, can I come to the party?”

I stared at him, unable to believe his nerve, and started laughing to myself. “Jesus Christ, this is not happening to me.”

“Can I?” Alan persisted.

“First of all, this isn’t even my party. Secondly, there are shitloads of celebrities in the backyard. Thirdly, Chris might feel it’s a LITTLE weird that I let my ex come into his house. And fourth, why am I even having this conversation with you?”

“Because you…” Alan started to say, but the door opened behind me, and Chris stood in the doorway.

“Hey.” I said, swallowing thickly.

“You guys okay out here? It’s hot as hell.” Chris’s eyes settled on Alan’s disheveled condition, and then up to my face.

“Yeah, we’re good. Alan was just coming to talk to me about Christobel.” I said pointedly, and Chris nodded.

“Yeah, heard about that. Sorry, dude.” He took a swig of his beer and considered Alan for a few seconds, then jerked his head. “C’mon, let me get you a cold beer. You like BBQ? Got shitloads of it.”

I shot Chris a grateful smile.

Alan looked at me and slowly nodded. “Yeah, that would be nice. Thanks, I appreciate it.”

Chris opened the door wider, and Alan walked past me, into the house, shooting me a look of triumph. “Come in. Mi casa es su casa. Party’s in the back.” Chris pointed to the back door.

I clenched my fists and tried to relax my face into something not resembling bloodlust, then hopped up the stairs after the two men, who, I swear, were going to give me a nervous breakdown.
**************************************
Chris didn’t have to worry about Alan misbehaving at the party, since the guy was used to schmoozing and talked to everybody, leaving Nyx alone.

He didn’t know why he let Alan into the party, but Chris knew he was annoying the royal piss out of Nyx, who was wearing an expression of supreme irritation. If he did it, it was only to get the guy from under Nyx’s hair, and he didn’t think the guy would be so ill bred as to actually cause drama in Chris’ own house. He kept an eye on him, though, and was thoroughly amused to see him strike up a conversation with Lance.

People were splashing about in the pool, so Chris urged Nyx to put on her swimming suit, and while she was inside, Chris took a running leap directly into the pool, splashing Alan a bit, which was his intention.

He was double dunking JC and Mike when Nyx came out of the house, wrapped in a towel. When she pulled it off to reveal a very form fitting skull bikini, Chris was only able to stare for a split second, because Joey yanked him under.

By the time he had wrangled out of Joey’s grip, Nyx was already submerging herself in water, and he swam up to her, tossing his hair out of his face. “Hey, you. Nice bathing suit.” She laughed and picked at his tshirt. “Same to you.”

“Fat guy bathing suit. Very stylish.”Chris boasted, and Nyx smirked. “Boy, you wouldn’t know fat if it bit you in the ass.”

“Okay, whatever. Hop on my back, we’ll double dunk JC and make him scream like a girl.”

Nyx, giggling, jumped on Chris’ back, and they plowed into an unsuspecting JC, who did, in fact, scream like a girl. The guys converged on her, and Chris was laughing as they took turns dunking her and being dunked by her. She looked like she was having a blast. Even Justin was helping to dunk her, which relaxed him a little bit.

Yeah, she would fit in just fine.
*********************************
JC and the rest of the guys had to leave the party early to catch planes back to New York, so after a few beers, they thanked Chris for a good time and teased and hugged Nyx like they had known her forever. Lance was the last to say goodbye-he had been talking quietly with Alan for awhile after the others had left, and after a back slap for Chris, he gave Nyx a big hug.

“It was great to meet you, Nyx. Take care of our guy.”

She smiled sideways at him. “I will. Bye, Poof.”

Lance rolled his eyes and waved one last goodbye to Alan, who was lingering in the dark, under the slide. He came up to Nyx as Chris was talking with some of his band members.

“I’m heading home.”

“Are you gonna be okay?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. Alan nodded. “I’ll live. Are you going to come back to the house tomorrow?”

“For what?” Nyx was aware of Chris glancing over.

“It’s still your home, if you want it to be, Nyx.” Alan said quietly, and she looked down.

“I’ll get back to you on that, Alan.” She murmured, and he nodded sadly.

“Thank your guy for inviting me. I don’t want to interrupt.”

“I will. Bye, Alan.”

Alan hesitated, then leaned over and gently kissed Nyx’s cheek. Chris’ jaw tensed and he tried to focus his attention on what Mike was saying, but inside, he was seething. The nerve of that asshole!

Alan met Chris’ eyes briefly, then shook his head and faded into the dark.

Nyx stood there, watching him leave, and Chris would have given anything to know what was going through her head at that moment.

“We’re heading out, Chris-thanks, it was an awesome party. Nyx, it was good seeing you again. Gonna be at the next tournament, right?” Mike mimed shooting a gun and Nyx gave him a thumbs up.

“I’ll be there, guns blazing.”

The guys laughed and waved goodbye, and Chris watched them leave, but mostly he kept seeing Alan kiss her. He shook the image out of his head and walked to stand behind Nyx, who jumped a little. Chris wrapped his arms around her neck, and she hesitated at first, but slowly relaxed into his grip. “It was good to see you having fun today.” Chris murmured into her hair, and Nyx grasped his forearms. “I have fun all the time.” She protested, but he shook his head. “I mean with other people.”

Nyx smirked. “You act like I’m anti-social.”

He shrugged. “Not really anti-social, just a loner. Maybe it’s just strange to me. I can’t stand being alone.”

She squeezed his arm. “I can tell.”

“Is it really that obvious?” Chris asked, his eyebrows raising, and Nyx turned around to face him.

“It’s not a bad thing. You were used to being surrounded, completely, all the time. I’m not surprised that you have a bit of monophobia.”

Chris snorted. “Okay, with your big words, Dr. Freud.”

“Hey, don’t you have a psychology degree or something?” Nyx teased, poking him, bending to pick up a few plates of BBQ on the lawn table.

“Yeah, but all the terminology goes out of my head after a few beers. Why are you picking up?”

She raised her eyebrow. “Um, because it’s a goddamn mess out here?”

Chris waved it away. “Don’t worry about it right now. The maid comes in the morning.”

Nyx looked with disbelief at him, then around at the mess. “This is a lot to pick up.”

“Babe, I’m putting her six kids through college. Trust me, don’t worry about it. Come on.” Chris took the plates away from her and led her into the house by the hand.

Nyx followed him dutifully into the kitchen, where he opened the fridge and after rooting around a bit, pulled out a bottle of wine.

“You drink wine?” She asked, snickering.

“Not really. Do you?” Chris was searching through his drawers for a cork remover.

“Never really developed an opinion about it.” Nyx moved the empty bowl of shrimp dip out of the way, then jumped up on the counter.

“Well, I’ve been having this in my fridge for about three or four years. Got it at some stupid record party, they were giving it out to everybody. I have no idea if it’s good or and I can’t pronounce what it is, but we’re going to give it a shot.” Chris finally found a cork remover and she watched him wrestle with it for a few minutes, trying not to laugh.

He caught her eye and shook his head, sheepish. “So much for looking cool.”

“Give me that thing.” She hopped off the counter, grabbed the bottle of wine and a sharp knife, then walked over to stand next to the trash can. One quick move with the knife had the top off and into the trash, and Chris whistled.

“Not bad. Where’d you learn that?”

“I’m full of hidden talents.” Nyx said dryly, handing him the bottle.

Chris looked like he’d like to respond to that, but wisely decided against it, and started to search his cabinets.

“I don’t think I have any glasses for wine.”

“We can drink out of the bottle.” Nyx suggested, taking it out of his hand and looking at the label. It was shit, but most wine was. Just one drink of it couldn’t hurt, she thought, but she still felt nervous. “I shouldn’t be doing this.” She thought to himself.

Chris was watching her, and she looked away, self conscious.

“Come on.” He held out his hand, and she took it.

It wasn’t until she realized that they were heading upstairs that she felt she was going to faint.
***************************************
Chris had a balcony in his bedroom. Why, he had no idea. He himself had no use for a balcony and had he built this house, the damn thing wouldn’t even be there. He had probably been on it once, if that. But now he led Nyx to it, unlocking the French doors and allowing her to enter first. Chris’ throat was dry, and felt fuzzy from the beers, so it was a relief to lean against the iron railing. Nyx held out the bottle to him.

He shook his head. “Ladies first.”

“Why do you think I’m offering it to you?” Nyx winked at him, and he gave her a mock angry face, but took the bottle from her. Chris knew nothing about wine and grimaced as he drank, but he was thirsty and it helped.
“That bad?” Nyx wanted to know, and he nodded. “It sucks, but it’ll get the job done.”

Nyx met his eyes. “What’s the job to be done?”

Chris didn’t answer, just held it out for her to take again. She took it with hesitation, but put it to her mouth and took a hard drag off of it. They looked out over the glowing pool and the tiki torches and the palm trees, still in the muggy Florida night, not talking. She handed him the wine bottle and he took a long sip from it.

Chris finally spoke, not looking at her.

“Do you want to be with Alan?”

She sighed with exasperation. “Where is that coming from?”

“He was staring at you the entire time.”

Nyx shook her head. “And how do you get me wanting him from that?”

“I don’t know. I just feel like he knows things about you that I don’t. The things you won’t tell me, to be exact.” Chris retorted, and Nyx glared at him, the sudden ferocity taking Chris aback.

“Of course he knows things. I’ve been knowing him since high school. Is this you being jealous, Chris? Because if it is, it’s kind of ridiculous.” Nyx’s anger was so quick that Chris found himself unable to respond, he could just stare dumbly at her. She groaned in frustration and turned away from him, covering her face.

“Why does everyone think I want him, or that we’re supposed to be together? I can’t BE with Alan, I told you that. I told Christobel that, I told my parents that. I told ALAN that, time and time again, and yet it won’t stop biting me in the ass.” Nyx muttered.

Chris narrowed his eyes. “Why, because he’s rich? Because I hate to break it to you, Nyx, but me and Alan aren’t that different.”

Nyx laughed bitterly. “You really believe that?”

Chris snorted. “Yeah, I believe that. And of course I’m jealous. I’m not used to feeling that way either, so I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t give me shit about it. It frankly scares me a little bit.”

“Why would it?”She asked acidly, and Chris rolled his eyes.

“Because the guy knows things about you that you’ll never tell me. And don’t tell me he doesn’t,” He warned, seeing her about to argue. “because every time I see him, he’s looking at you with this sick dog worried expression. It pisses me off royally, but what am I supposed to do? I’m trying really hard to not ask questions, Nyx, but this won’t work if you don’t trust me.”

The anger vanished from her face, quickly replaced by shame. “I do trust you.”

Chris scoffed. “Yeah, okay, but you like to disappear for days a time and not give me any explanation why. You get nosebleeds constantly, you don’t eat, and you were so sick a week ago that I was scared you’d fucking die in my house.”

Nyx closed her eyes and looked away from him. Chris looked at his hand on the wine bottle and his knuckles were white. He took a deep breath and lessened his grip.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered.

Nyx shook her head quickly and did not meet his eyes. “Christ, are you crying?” Chris moved closer to her, tentatively putting his arm around her waist and trying to look at her face. To his relief, she did not shake him off, but let him pull her against his chest. Her transition from scathing rage to meek and submissive blew his mind.

“You want to know the glaring difference between you and Alan, Chris?” She whispered against his shirt, and without waiting for a response, she spoke, as if she had to get the words out of her or they’d burn her alive.

“When it comes to Alan, I can’t be me, I can’t breathe. But being with you…I don’t have to watch what I say or worry about what fork I’m using or if I’m going to impress everyone around me. Being with you…it’s like I’m meeting myself for the first time, and I love it.” She looked up at him, her eyes imploring him to understand.

Chris’s throat stuck, and he swallowed thickly as he stared at her. He could not speak, he couldn’t form a coherent thought. Seconds that felt like days passed, and since he couldn’t tell her how much that meant to him, he, Chris, who never shut up, pulled her face up to his and kissed her.
******************************************
Chris backed me up against the iron railing, his mouth slowly, hungrily, moving with mine. I couldn’t stop him, I didn’t want to, I was fuzzy from the wine and drunk on my feelings. His lips moved, were everywhere, on my cheek, my nose, my jawbone, like he couldn’t decide which part he liked kissing the most. I could hear myself breathing heavily, unable to stop him. His hands, cold from the wine bottle, slipped underneath my shirt, and I gasped as they hit the warmth of my back, which was sunburned. It felt good after the shock had melted away, and I could not move away, as I usually did when his hands snuck that way. Chris, encouraged, slid them further up my back, and I found his mouth and could not stop once I got started.
He moaned and pressed me closer to him roughly, trying to gain the upper hand. I felt his thumb graze over the clasps of my bra, and I tried to ignore the WARNING alarms screaming in my head. Chris suddenly pulled away, our lips ripping apart like a seam, his hands withdrawing from underneath my shirt and spinning away from me, cursing.

“Chris?” I asked, my voice breaking, and I reached up, felt my mouth, buzzing and tender. He didn’t answer, just took a very hard drag off of the bottle of wine, his chest heaving violently.

I felt rejected. And drunk, which I hadn’t expected from a few sips of that crappy wine. I suddenly hated myself for being so easily hurt and began to wish we had something stronger then wine. Why had I even told him that? The man was commitment shy, hell, he said it himself in a few interviews that he was terrified of marriage. Why the fuck had I gone in over my head? Why even bother with all this if he was going to get freaked out sooner or later? To my horror, I felt tears in my eyes, and I forcefully blinked them back.

Chris was not looking at me, he was bracing himself against the iron railings, staring at his pool. After a few minutes of muttering oaths to himself, he turned around and slid down the length of the railing, sitting on the cold concrete floor of the balcony, his eyes closed.

I stayed silent, feeling used and horny and pissed beyond belief. Why had the fucking man made me care about him? What was the use of him being charming and funny and cute if he was going to flip out the second I showed even a sliver of deeper affection for him?

Suddenly, Chris spoke.

“Nyx, please come here.” His voice was soft, but I could feel his tension. Great, here it comes. I was about to be dumped by a man who once willingly rigged himself to fly above a crowd and sing Christopher Cross songs. Perfect. My legs did not want to move, but I found myself folding myself next to him, my entire soul braced against whatever Chris Kirkpatrick would say next.

He didn’t say anything, as it turns out. He turned those muddy eyes on me and stared down at me, and buoyed by my anger, I glared right back. And then he raised his arm and beckoned me wordlessly to lean back into him. Confusion replaced anger. What the hell was he doing? Chris draped his arm across me and took a very hard pull of the wine, then set it aside.

Okay, now he was dragging it out. Yeah, not having that.

“If you’re going to dump me, at least hand me that wine bottle. It would give me the outmost pleasure to crack it against your skull.” I retorted, then immediately regretted it. God, dramatic much, Nyx? Chris choked and started coughing, and then, to my great irritation, started to chuckle hoarsely.

“What’s so goddamn funny?” I growled, and he stopped laughing abruptly.
“Where did me dumping you come into this picture?”

“I don’t know, you just flipped out on me. And I know how you can get about commitment, so I figured I crossed the line.” I explained, feeling my face become red.
Chris snickered. “Babe, if I were that scared about commitment, I would not call you my girlfriend or introduce you to my best friends. And for the record, I had no idea there was a line TO cross.”

“But I thought you were like, against relationships.” Now I was starting to feel stupid.

Chris smiled and shook his head. “I used to be. Hell, I thought I’d be like that forever. I was content to be a partying kind of guy. And then you come out of nowhere with your cute little accent and your no bullshit factors and hell, I’m only human. For the record, where the hell did you get that information? I’ve never told you that.”

I know when I blush because it’s a very, very rare event, and in this case my entire face and neck went the color of a coke can. “Um. An interview…on some website.”

Chris chuckled, which surprised me. I would have figured that would have annoyed him, but instead he seemed very amused. “And what else did you find out about me?”

I met his eyes. “Not much else. I know I could learn everything about you from a few simple clicks, but it didn’t seem right. Not when I can ask you myself."
Chris’ eyes softened and he traced my cheekbone with his finger. The contact made my eyes close. “You don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve heard someone say they don’t know my favorite color, or my middle name, or what I liked in a girl.”
I smiled, my eyes still shut. “You like silver, you always wear it. I saw your middle name on one of your awards in the computer room, and you like eyes because you always check mine first after asking a question.”

I heard him smirk. “Are you sure you didn’t check out any websites? Kirkpatrick.nu? NSync.com?”

I opened my eyes and looked at him. “No. All I know is that you were a member of *NSYNC, you had many questionable haircuts, and you usually flank Justin on the left in music videos.”

At this, Chris could not help howling with laughter, and I blushed again, feeling stupid. It was a few seconds before he stopped his chortling, and I felt self conscious. I felt his fingers on my cheek again. “I don’t know whether to call that really cute or really disturbing, so I’ll call it disturbingly cute.” His tone was very affectionate, and I flicked my eyes up at him shyly.

“You know, after you said that, I suddenly realized something: I don’t even know my own girlfriend’s last name.” Chris said thoughtfully, and I shook my head, grinning.

“Gonna have your people do a background check on me?”

Chris snorted. “Don’t be silly. Come on, tell me, or I’ll feel like an asshole.”

I shook my head again, giggling. Chris turned his body to face mine.

“Nyx, I have to know your last name. What am I supposed to call you when you’re being a brat?”

“Brat?” I supplied unhelpfully, and he shook his head. “What is it?”

I sighed, trying not to show that I wanted to kiss him senseless for his request.
“Dufrene. My last name is Dufrene.” I whispered, and Chris’s eyes crinkled as he considered this.

“Nyx Dufrene. French?” He guessed, and I nodded. “It’s common in my part of the state.”

Chris kissed my forehead, a very unexpected and tender gesture. “You are everything but common.”

This, for some reason, made my eyes tear up very rapidly, and I concentrated hard on the concrete between my legs. I could feel his gaze on me, but he didn’t force me to look up at him, and for this I loved him even more.

Instead, he hugged me very close to his side and sighed. “My head is fucking spinning. This wine is getting to me.”

“Do you want to go inside and sit on the couch?” I suggested, and Chris groaned. “Walking is not an option. Besides, the wind is starting to blow. It feels good out here.”

It DID feel good out there, and I relaxed my body and leaned into him. We sat that way for quite a while, not talking, and Chris would take frequent drags off of the bottle, though he didn’t offer me any. This was fine with me, oddly enough. It was nice, sitting with him like this. Plus, he wasn’t twitching restlessly like he usually did. Just at the point where my back was beginning to cramp, he cracked his neck and exhaled slowly.

“I need to get up. My legs are starting to lose feeling.”

I agreed gratefully, and we stood up, cracking our backs and sighing in relief. He reached out and took my hand, and the movement made look up at him. Chris pulled me gently against his body and kissed the corner of my mouth.
“I can’t believe you thought I was going to dump you.” He chuckled softly, and I felt the vibrations of his words on my skin. I closed my eyes.

“You’re unpredictable. I never know what you’ll do.”

I felt him smile, and he rubbed his nose against mine affectionately. “Coming from you, that is incredible.”

I tried to smirk, but the smell of him was making humor difficult. “I guess we’re more alike then we want to admit.”

Chris’s mouth touched mine tentatively, then pressed harder. “Yeah, I guess so.” He amended gruffly, and I felt my knees getting weak as his hand cupped my neck. Who could have ever thought that he could be this tender, I thought dizzily. My mind was forever trying to figure out the Chris I knew and the Chris portrayed in the videos and pictures, and it was hard. I shouldn’t have even wasted time on that, I should have given him credit for being more then just skin deep. Like I always say-shoulda coulda woulda.

He wasn’t trying to eat me alive like he was before. It was like he understood on some level that he had freaked me out and was trying to rectify it the only way Chris knew how-to render me into a stuttering idiot. And he did it well. His lips left mine and touched briefly on my jawbone, his free hand yanking teasingly at my belt buckle. Okay, now I could no longer blame the wine for my lightheaded state. This was just fucking torture.

“Nyx Dufrene,” He mused softly, nipping at my ear.
“Chris Kirkpatrick?” I mumbled back.

“If we don’t stop here, I’m going to say something crazy and then YOU'LL probably dump me.” He whispered, his tone teasing, but I could feel the worry beneath his tone. I froze. Chris nodded and took a step away, his eyes trying to remain carefree, but the moment was heavy. His hand slid from my cheek and his fingers grazed my collarbone. I gulped.

“You, say something crazy? Never.”

He laughed darkly. “Don’t try me.”

“Chris…”

He put his finger to my lips, shaking his head. “Don’t even start, Nyx. Let’s not and say we did, alright?”

Absolute daring like I had never known in my life seized me. I made a decision and I clung to it. I pressed my mouth in a very non-innocent way to his finger, and his dark eyes widened. I could see the lights from the pool reflecting off of them and it made me tremble in a way that was no way related to withdrawal.

Chris pulled his hand away from my mouth roughly and grabbed me. And as he kissed me, both of us stumbling back into his bedroom like in a bad movie, I did not have time on whether or not I was doing the right thing. All I could feel was his hands in my shirt, against the warmth of my stomach, his mouth drawing at mine, like he was trying to burn me. I could not concentrate on the sudden flurry of events around me, like my shirt hitting the ground and feeling it below my feet. I reached behind him and unknotted his bandanna, and Chris let out an almost angry oath, pressing me so close to him that I could feel the consequences of my actions. I hadn’t felt that reaction so baldly since I had been with Alan, and my brain started screeching- stop, stop, stop!!!! Abort!

But I couldn’t, and I buried my face into his neck. He had shaved the other day and the feeling of the smooth skin turned me on, and I nipped him, making him jump.

“Nyx, I don’t want this to happen when we’re drunk.” Chris groaned, his fingers digging into my back almost painfully. “You need to learn to shut up sometimes, Kirkpatrick.” I growled back, and he shook his head, but I felt him fumbling with the back of my bra.

“These stupid fucking things,” Chris said through gritted teeth, “what have you got against the ones that snap in the front?”

“Gotta make you work for it, boy.” I yanked his shirt over his head, and when his face popped back into view, he looked quite deranged, which almost made me laugh, but I held it back. He pulled me up against him, and until this point, I didn’t realize how feeling his skin on mine would affect me. The full realization of what I was doing hit me in the face, and I tried to kiss him in order to hide my panic, but Chris gently stopped me and made me look at him.

“Nyx, you’re trembling. I’m more then glad if I’m causing it, but you’re starting to scare me. Let’s calm down for a second.”

Calm down? Fucking tease. He could give me a run for my money.

“Why?” I whispered, but my voice was shaking.
Chris leaned his forehead against mine. “Because I’m about to lose my fucking mind, that’s why.”

“Oh, that’s all?” I tried to joke, but it fell flat and I bit my lip, cursing myself.
“Lord knows it’s been a long time for me, but I’m guessing it’s been even longer for you. Normally, we wouldn’t be having this conversation, but as we’re pretty drunk, I don’t want to do this and wake up to find you gone. And you’d be gone. I know you.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You do?”

Chris kissed my nose. “Yeah, and it’s driving me fucking nuts. If we do this, if we sleep together, I’m not responsible for what I might say or do during or afterwards.”

“Do you want to?” My words were so quiet that I wasn’t sure he heard, but I felt his chest shake with mirthful laughter. “Do I want to? Jesus, Nyx. What do you think?” He pulled away and looked pointedly between us, and I flushed. “Oh. I suppose you do.”

He snorted. “How long has it been?”

“Four years. Maybe five.”

Chris gasped. “Fuck, high school? My God. Don’t say anymore, I’ll do something crazy.”

“How long for you?” I didn’t really want to know, but I had to. Chris quickly did some math in his head and shrugged. “Eight months, roughly. Probably more then that. It was forgettable, obviously.”

“Good.” I muttered, but he heard and I felt, not saw, his relief.

“Point is, I do not want you to run. To tell you the absolute, terrifying fucking truth, I’d rather never sleep with you then to never see you again.” Chris confessed, and my heart felt like someone took it and stomped on it. “Oh.” I said, in a very small voice.

“Why has it been so long? Did something happen?” Chris questioned anxiously, and I shook my head. “No. Nothing like that. It’s…Alan was…a little too eager. It didn’t…well…it hurt more then…”

Chris’s nostrils flared. “Little prick.”

I shrugged, the memory of that very clumsy night making me need a line more then ever. In actuality, it had taken Alan about an hour to get an erection, and when he had, he wasn’t very gentle. Since then, I was ashamed that I couldn’t perform to a man's liking and was deathly afraid that the next time would feel like the first, and if that was what sex felt like, I’d gladly pass. But during my time with Chris, I walked around constantly imagining it, thinking very unchaste-like things, then hating myself for thinking about those unchaste things. I didn’t pause to think about what having sex with Chris would entail. Which wasn’t surprising-I never think about the bigger picture. No wonder my life was a mess.

“Don’t call him a prick. Shit, he didn’t know what he was doing.” I didn’t even know why I was defending Alan at this very crucial moment.

Chris rolled his eyes. “Babe, inexperienced or not, you are way too much woman for that little shithead.”

I giggled, despite myself, and Chris smirked. “You think that’s funny, huh? I need a cold shower and you’re standing there in your damn bra laughing at me.”

“Oops.” I looked down and blushed.

“Nothing ‘oops’ about it.” Chris looked down between us and sighed. “I need to take care of that, babe.”

I suddenly realized that it was either going to happen now or happen later, and if it happened now, I’d deal with whatever came. All I knew was that I was sick of letting Alan, or myself- hold me back from things. I never stopped to really appreciate Chris’ consideration of me, which was a dick move. I wanted him. He wanted me. If there was…love there, I was sure I felt it strongly enough to not run in the morning. I gathered up every nerve in my body, me, who jumped into mosh pits and held a knife to a dealer’s throat, me, who never knew fear before this, and cupped his face.

“Then I’m right here.”
****************************************