Maybe

Lips against my chin, my throat, the hollow at the base of it. Chris' hands holding mine on either side of my head, his weight on top of me, his smell in my nose, breath against the place of my heart. All of it terrified the living shit out of me. The feeling from the wine was gone. All I was left with was the consequences of my decision. No turning back now.

But Chris, contrary to his restless nature, did not seem in a rush. My bra was off and I felt the coldness of his mouth on my breast. The feeling made my back arch and my breath ragged. I didn't remember this from years ago. This was tenderness. His hand left mine and he ran it along my hip. His lips moved across my chest. When I made myself look down, his eyes were on mine, and they were so dark that it made the sensations more intense. I've never seen Chris look that way before.

He slid back up to face me and we kissed, pausing to take breaths, then going back at it, soft, teasing, unhurried. My heart hiccupped in my chest. This Chris was too much for me to take. Goosebumps broke on my skin. Chris hummed against my lips, pleased, and his fingers tangled in my hair, pulling gently. His body was pleasantly heavy on top of mine, and I forced myself to relax, this wasn't so bad. He was certainly in no way like Alan. He kissed to kiss, he touched to touch. I loved it, but it was breaking my heart.

Our lips separated and our eyes met as he shifted off of me slightly, his hand sliding down my stomach and quickly fumbling with my belt. He looked at me fearfully, as if I were seconds away from stopping him. It was at that moment I knew, it didn't take him inside me to realize how much Chris Kirkpatrick really cared. I promised myself silently to never compare him to any other representation I saw on Youtube.

To this day, I can't have any other view of him.

I smiled encouragingly at him, and he gave me a side smile. I felt my belt leaving the loops, one by one, and he gave me room to arch my back. He undid his own shorts next, kicking them off of the bed. I hadn't felt this much of his skin against mine since we had started dating-it felt inexplicably amazing to me. I almost laughed to myself when I saw how dark he was in contrast to my white, and Chris smiled sheepishly at me.

"What are you laughing at?"

I covered my mouth. "Nothing. Trust me, don't feel bad."

Chris rolled his eyes and buried his face in my hair, groaning. "Don't say that to a guy when his pants are off, on top of a girl. It's not nice."

"Sorry. I just realized how you make me look like an albino."

Chris's body shuddered with laughter and he raised his head to look at me.

"Is that all?"

"I swear it." I made a move to cross myself.

"You are really white." Chris observed, catching my hand and measuring my skin against his.

"That's the French in me. We don't believe in tans."

"Well, I like it. It's hot." Chris pressed a kiss to the back of my hand. "Now, can we get back to being serious, now? I was rather enjoying making your eyes roll in back of your head."

I tried not to blush. "Get on with it, then."

"Okay, smartass. You asked for it." And when his mouth began a slow, agonizing trip down my chest, I shut my trap. His tongue dipped briefly into my belly button and I groaned, moving my hips. He moved to kneel between my legs and seized my pants, pulling them off of me so slowly that I wanted to scream. Chris' mouth pressed into a hard line when he saw my panties, trying not to laugh.

"Wow, pirate panties. Very fitting, Captain."

I laughed raggedly. "Thought we were supposed to be serious?"

"You have to be serious. I never said anything about me." His fingers teasingly pulled at the band of my red underwear, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips.

"Those are my favorite underwear. Don't make fun of them."

"Would never." Chris assured me, leaning down and kissing directly above the pantyline.

I didn't have a chance to say something smartass in return, because he did a move that I hadn't anticipated. In one quick move, my panties were off and sliding down my one leg, and Chris was pressing his mouth against my knee, my leg, almost all the way down to my ankle, before the panties joined the rest of the clothes on the floor. I didn't have much experience with men, but I knew that this one had an idea of what to do, and I was a goner.

"Look at me, Nyx."

I opened one eye and he was sitting between my bare legs, his hand running along the length of one of them, his mouth twisted in that devious little smile. Jesus Christ.

"Don't stop looking at me." He ordered, and I, in a state of absolute shock, could do nothing but nod my head dumbly. I saw his head bend, and my heart beat so fast that I thought I'd have a nosebleed, which would have been fucking shitty. I had never done this, as crazy as it sounds. After having the bad experience with Alan, I certainly didn't want anybody going down there with their mouth or their parts.  Chris had no idea that he was about to blow my mind.

The thought to stop him had barely entered my head before I felt his lips...down there, you know, and it felt like someone had shocked me with a live wire. Evidently he liked what he was doing, because he stopped with the slow bullshit and started doing things to me with his mouth that made me hiss like a pot of boiling water. My knee hooked over his shoulder and he immediately rewarded it with a heart-stopping movement of his tongue. I instinctively put my hand over my mouth, not understanding the sounds coming out of my throat. Chris snapped his fingers and grabbed my free hand, then gestured impatiently for my other one. I laid my hands in his, cowed, and he held my wrists firmly down into the sheets. His eyes seemed to say, "Don't even think about covering your mouth. I want to hear everything." This assertiveness was so hot that I no longer gave a fuck about sounding possessed. I moaned and twisted, gasped and sighed, and Chris, encouraged, immersed himself fully in his task.

This went on for what seemed like forever to me, but in reality was probably five minutes, and with another quick move with his lips and teeth and tongue, I felt the slow pressure in me implode. I jerked up, unable to help myself, gasping like I'd never get air again. Chris took hold of my hands again and squeezed them till they hurt, but he did not move himself from his position and his eyes would not leave mine. He didn't stop until I was weak and dizzy and absolutely dumb with pleasure.

Without missing a beat, he slid up my body and looked at me, hard.

"Kiss me."

I did not hesitate and tasted myself, mixed with the wine on his breath. This kiss was not like the others, it was not hesitating, it was no longer testing the waters. It left me boneless and slack and I was so out of my head that I didn't really notice Chris kicking off his boxers, his mouth still fused to mine. He broke away from me with the desperate sound of a man on the edge, and when I felt him between my legs, a part of me returned abruptly to Earth.

Chris' hands cupped my head, his mouth opened, and I knew what he was going to say before he said it.

"Yes, I'm sure." I said quickly, searching his eyes.

And just as quickly as the forceful Chris had come, he left. The side of his mouth turned up and I felt him wrap a strand of my hair around his fingers, rolling it around.

"It freaks me out when you do that." He admitted.

"Same here." I replied quietly, and he took a deep breath and buried his face into my neck. I felt his body move, and when I felt him inside me, I bucked, hard. Evidently he had anticipated this, because his body kept mine down, but I felt him groan and shudder.

"Jesus Christ."

Yeah, that wasn't even close to how badly I needed to take the Lord's name in vain, may he forgive me. There had been a flash of pain. I had the sudden, very unsexy thought of cobwebs being knocked down, and a faintly familiar tunnel of pressure. Chris pressed his face against mine, the stubble scratched me, and I heard him taking desperate breaths in my ear. I knew he needed to move, so it was with caution that I bent my leg and hooked it over his hip.

"Fuck." I heard him hiss, and he started to move, slowly. I closed my eyes and felt him move to kiss me, I responded instantly with relief. Kissing him made my head dizzy and kept me from thinking, and it was best if I didn't think. The kiss was deliciously fast and his mouth was so fucking soft, and I slid my fingers into his hair and pulled on the short spikes. This felt nothing like Alan. I could easily see why now people wanted this, why people got addicted to it and spent countless hours in bed, why this could turn into a drug of an entirely different kind. I bit gently on Chris' lower lip and he growled into my mouth, increasing his speed. Now the dull pain was starting to dissipate and I was able to move my hips in the same way I did when I danced, and Chris apparently liked this, because he had to break away from kissing me and brace one hand on his headboard.

He did not stop looking at me, and I know it sounds a bit corny, but I could not stop looking at him either. Something passed between our eyes and I was afraid he would say it, we had a really strange habit of anticipating things out of each other, but thankfully, he didn't. I say thankfully because I wasn't sure of what I would have done if he had. But Chris didn't need to, really, because at that moment, I felt it. That sounds cliché and dumb, and I'm sure you'd like to hear that he whispered it or slowed down or even stopped to tell me, but he just shook his head, more to himself then to me, and bit his lip, his breathing caught on words he feared.

Maybe I should have said it.

Maybe then I wouldn't be in the hospital, now. So many maybes, and none of them matter.
_____________________________________________________________________

Do I divide and fall apart?
Cause my pride is too sly to hold back all my dark
And the ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I've had some time alone to hold my lies inside me
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust
But I'm scared I'll get scared and I swear I'll try to nail you back up

So do you think that we could work out a sign
So I'll know it's you and that it's over, so I won't even try?