I hate to say it but it has to be said
You look so fragile as I fuck with your head
I know it shouldn't but it's getting me on
If sex is the drug, then what is the cause?
-Papa Roach

It is amazing the things a person will do in order to fit in.

Cheat, lie, steal, kill, smoke. Take another shot, it won’t kill you. Tonight.

Take another toke, it’s just pot. Have unprotected sex, because who knows, the Russian roulette has five other empty shots in it. Fuck it. You have a good reason. You’re in love. You’re safe.

And then you find out you have liver disease. You understand that it WILL kill you. You watched your doctor pretend you weren’t lying through your teeth when you told him you weren’t drinking anymore. You don’t tell anybody. Not your family, the few friends you have. Not even the man you love, and you’re looking at him when you’re sucking that lemon, his tequila warming your belly. You want to fit in, and you want his friends to like you, and you want to prove to the world, as always, that you kick ass no matter what you do. You succeed, but only on the surface. Inside, every shot brings you closer to a fate you’re not even sure you want anymore. You’re beginning to see the bigger picture, but you won’t get help. All you want is to be the toughest, the hardest, the most impressive. You want to prove to the world that nothing-not liver disease, not holes in your nose, not alcohol poisoning, can bring you down. It’s a heavy price to pay, but you think it’s worth it.

After all, you surmise, wiping your mouth, it’s just a few shots. What more damage could they do?

Well, let me tell you-those few shots mean everything.
*****************************************
Time passes.

I go to work, I go to Alan’s, I go on dates with Chris. I drink at parties, but I don’t touch coke. Funny how I go for the substance that will kill me the fastest.

I don’t think, I just do.

Chris and I love each other, but we haven’t said it. I know he feels it and he looks at me sometimes like he suspects things, but we don’t say the words. Neither of us wants to appear weaker first, but I can see it when we’re playing video games, when we’re out with his friends, paintballing, when we’re in bed. Every morning, after I sleep over, Chris looks at me like he’s still shocked to find me there. I don’t plan on running, though I might not have a choice one of these days. I want to tell him, God, do I want to tell him. It’s so selfish.

But pride covers a multitude of sins and every morning that I wake up, I think, “I’m not dead yet, so I’ll go with the flow.” Dr. Triche calls my phone every other day, but I never answer. I don’t want a sentence yet. Even with withdrawals and shakes, life is finally worth something. Work drones on. I live for the next shot, the next kiss, the next party, the next time I’ll get to feel Chris tickling me or teasing me. I live for the second I climb on back of his motorcycle and we go off to raise hell. I can’t think beyond any of that.

And then, everything gets royally fucked.
**********************************
It’s a Sunday when my little lie of a life explodes in my face.

I was in a rush that afternoon because Chris and I were supposed to go to some sort of racecar thing with some of his friends. I was running around my room at Alan’s like a fool, searching frantically for my shoes. I was withdrawing like fucking crazy and had to stop every few minutes to run into the bathroom, so I was nearly late. Nothing else had been on my brain besides Chris and the cold beers they’d be certain to serve at the racetrack.

What a fucking joke.

I had just flushed the toilet when the door to my bedroom flew open and Alan stumbled in, his face as white as a sheet.

“Nyx, she’s back.” He gasped, and before I could ask him what the fucking hell he meant, I looked up, and there she was, red faced, furious, and ready to slit throats, if necessary.

Christobel had returned.
*********************************
Later that day, Chris Kirkpatrick rolled onto his back, panting hard. Sweat poured off of his face in rivulets, and he tried in vain to catch his breath, to no avail. He was getting too old for this shit, he thought, but he could not help the stupid grin that crept across his face.

He looked over at Nyx, who was laying next to him, her chest heaving, her body damp beside his. Their eyes met, and she smiled back at him. Satsuma filled his nostrils, and Chris reached down and took his hand in his.

“You’re going to kill me, babe.” He chuckled, kissing her bare shoulder.

“You’re going to KILL me, Baio. Even a girl of my age can’t compete against a guy who once performed sold out concerts every night of the week.” Nyx teased, and Chris snorted. “That was many moons ago, babe. I’m just an old fart, now.”

Nyx giggled. “An old fart who just fucked me retarded.”

Chris looked over at her, his mouth dropping to his chest. “That’s a horrible way to put it!”

Nyx rolled over on her stomach and propped her chin on his collarbone. “Well, the truth is the truth, no matter how you cut it.” Her voice was suddenly hard and dark. She had been getting that way, lately, and he had no idea why.

“Still, that’s harsh. I don’t think of us that way.” Chris muttered, a bit hurt. She raised her chin, searched his eyes, trying to find humor, but when she found none, her stone face disappeared, and she sighed. “I’m sorry, babe. I was just kidding. You know I don’t think of it like that.”

Chris didn’t believe her, but he wasn’t in the mood to fight, so he just pasted on a fake smile and closed his eyes. Nyx snuggled against him, and try as he might to be annoyed at her insensitivity, he could not resist pulling her against him.

“We need to get out of bed.” He murmured, and Nyx giggled.

“Who says?”

“Me, because if I stay in here any longer with you, certain important parts of mine are going to fall off. And that would suck.” Chris teased, but made no move to get
up, playing with the ends of her hair.

“We don’t want that. I rather like those parts.” Nyx agreed, burying her face into his chest. Chris smirked.

“Do you, now?”

He felt her smile into his skin. “Something like that.”

Chris gently tugged her hair. “Show me, then.”

“Damn, boy, do you ever run out of energy?” But she winked at him as she slid down his body, and Chris shook his head, ready to deliver a smartass reply, but then he felt her mouth and his jaws snapped shut.

Yep, food could wait.

I almost told you that I loved you
Thank god I didn't 'cause it would've been a lie
I say the damnedest things when you're on top of me
I almost told you that I loved you
***********************************
Chris leaned against the side of the refrigerator and surveyed its’ contents dismally. Or rather, lack thereof. He had been too busy having sex with Nyx to actually go through the motions of housekeeping, so they were shit out of luck when it came to having something to eat.

“Babe! We’re gonna have to leave the house! No food!” He yelled, reaching inside to push aside a six pack, hoping to find some hot dogs or sandwich fixings. No dice. He sagged.

“Perish the thought!” Nyx hollered back, and Chris snorted. “Speak for yourself, woman! I’m fucking starving!”

“Well, then we’ll go grab something. I need to get a newspaper anyway.” Nyx entered the kitchen, pulling her hair into a sloppy bun. Chris closed the refrigerator door and peered at her in confusion.

“What do you need that for?”

“To line your cage with.” She teased, and Chris rolled his eyes in impatience. “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

Nyx averted his eyes, digging into a cabinet for a glass.

“I want to look for an apartment.”

There were very few moments in Chris’ life where he actually went speechless, and this was one of them. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had been waiting for her to freak out and say that she was going back to Louisiana; he spent more then enough time trying to figure out how he would actually stop her when she did, and now he didn’t even have to.

“Here?” Chris croaked, and Nyx glanced at him, grinning a little. “Where else, Nepal?”

Chris shook his head. “Right, I know. I’m just…wow. Why the sudden decision, though?”

Nyx leaned against the counter, looking at him over the edge of her cup. “Well, I can’t stay at Alan’s forever and drive him nuts, can I?” She mused, winking.

Chris knew what he was going to say before he even said it and couldn’t stop himself. “Orlando’s apartments are pretty pricey. You could stay here.”

For a second he cursed himself, expected that ‘deer in headlights’ look from her. But to his surprise (again), Nyx just shook her head, snickering.

“What, and run up your water bill? Nah, it’s not polite. Besides, I’m sure there HAS to be a place in this town that I can afford.”

Chris doubted it seriously, but he just nodded, too overcome by relief to prove her wrong. Nyx peered at him.
“What, did you think I was going to take off again?”

Chris couldn’t lie. “Yeah, sort of.” He admitted, and Nyx shook her head, coming over to slide her arm around his waist.

“I like it here,” She mused softly. “I like it here with you. There’s always something to do or someone to go see. I’m not ready to go back to Louisiana; there’s too much history for me there.”

Chris wanted to ask her just what kind of history she meant, since she never told him anything much about her past, but he was too grateful for the sudden gift she was giving him. He kissed the top of her head. “I’m happy to hear that, babe.” Really, he was fucking elated, he wanted to throw a goddamn parade, but he didn’t want to seem like a freak, so he just kept it simple.

“Such little faith in me, Kirkpatrick.” Nyx teased, giving him a one armed hug and moving away to poke into the fridge. “Holy fuck, you ARE empty.”

Chris held back the words he wanted to say, but they rang through his head as he watched her root around.

What else am I supposed to have?
*****************************************
It had been too long of a day.

Wade sighed as he exited the small office that the entertainment company kept, a block away from the beach. He could smell the jumbo pretzels that the snack shop sold down the street, and the scent of the ocean was painful in his nostrils. He hated his life, the nagging, the responsibilities, the wife, the kid. Well, maybe not the kid, but the wife. All Wade had wanted in life was to catch a few waves, take a few tokes, and hold down a menial job. Instead, the condom breaks and he’s fucked.

He was the last one to leave, every night. Usually a few waitresses stayed around after getting back from their events and they’d smoke a bowl with him or have pity sex, but he never left early. Most of the time he’d sit in the back next to the closet full of extra uniforms and think about grabbing his paycheck, packing his shit, and getting the hell out of dodge.

Wade was enamored completely in these impossible plans, so it wasn’t until he had almost reached the door of his truck that he spotted Nyx sitting on the tailgate, smoking a joint, not looking at him.

He halted, hating himself again for the wave of fear that almost sent him hurrying back into the office. There was once a time where he had wanted nothing more to get Nyx into bed, but those days were very much over. Now, he tried to do everything in his power to avoid her, and this ashamed him, because really, look at her. Barely five feet tall. Wade himself stood around 5’9 and was of considerable size. He could hold his own against most men, for Chrissakes.

But there was something about Nyx that scared him-given the choice, he’d gladly fight someone twice his size rather then mess with her. Barely contained violence rose off this girl in waves. Her eyes snapped at you and demanded and glared, no matter who you were. Wade could never remember seeing her smile, unless it was the grimace that she passed off as one. He had a feeling that if she wanted to, she could tear him into pieces.

“Hey Wadey.” She spoke, still not looking at him, and Wade felt sweat pop out on the back of his neck. This is ridiculous, stop being a pussy, he thought, but had to force himself to walk nonchalantly forward and place his work clothes in the back of his truck.

“What are you doing here, Nyx?”

She took a hard toke off of the joint, which he recognized as one of his. “Waiting for you, obviously. Took you long enough to get out here. I’d have a buzz if this weed wasn’t so skunky.”

“The weed’s not skunky.” Wade scowled, and she looked at him. He almost recoiled. There was something dead and hard in her eyes. He was all alone. This was bad.

“Are you kidding? It’s so skunky I’m surprised it hasn’t sprayed me yet. For a weed dealer, you’re not very good at discerning quality.” She threw the joint down on the ground and stepped on it.

Wade sighed. “What do you WANT, Nyx?”

Nyx smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. She sidled around the truck, walking towards him. Wade steeled himself, not allowing his feet to step back, which was what he really wanted to do.

“Christ, I want so many things. A monkey, for one. A pot of crawfish would be nice, too. World peace, if I were feeling charitable. But what I want you for?” She shook her head, her hand running along the edge of his car. Wade’s stomach lurched.

She didn’t give him a chance to answer. “Not for sex, obviously. I’m not desperate. Not for a friend, the wife wouldn’t like that. And given the fact that you’re mostly useless, well, only one thing comes to my poor, addled, helpless mind.”

Now she was standing in front of him and glaring up at him, and Wade restrained to urge to piss himself, but barely.

“I want the name of your dealer.”

Wade blinked in shock. “Why?”

Nyx rolled her eyes. “Cause I want to buy him a gift basket and go to dinner with him. Why else, dumbshit? I want to sell.”

Wade just stared at her, dumb with incredulity.

Nyx sighed with exasperation. “As you seem to be incapable of basic comprehension, let me spell this out for you: I want to know who you deal for. I want to know who your friend deals for, too. And I’m hoping to find out the same information from that person, and so on and so on. Are we getting the picture, or do you need me to find a diagram and explain it to you?”

Wade closed his mouth and found his nerve. “Why the hell should I give you all of that information?” He snarled, knowing from the second he did that it was a very, very bad idea to mouth off to this girl.

Nyx smiled all of a sudden, and it was very hard, and very tight, and absolutely terrifying. Wade could not help himself now, he stepped back. The insane smile didn’t leave as she drew closer to him.

“Because, if you don’t, then I’ll go to the boss, and I’ll tell him you fuck underage girls. If you deny that, I’ll go to the girls and threaten them until they tell him. And then, if you continue to say no to me, though I’d hope you were smarter then that-I’ll find your wife and tell her. And I’ll keep on going on in that manner until you give me the thing that I want. Are you getting all this, Wade? Because I really hate repeating myself.”

Wade could not believe that a girl who looked like she belonged in high school was blackmailing him this way. Why am I taking this, he thought wildly, I could take this girl any day of the week.

Nyx suddenly started laughing. “Oh, Wade, please don’t tell me you’re doubting me. I don’t think I could take that kind of hilarity. I may just blow out my falsies.”

“If you would do all that, why wouldn’t you just go to the cops?” Wade retorted, and Nyx shrugged, scratching idly at a spot on his truck.

“Because it’s too easy. I like dissembling things methodically. Going to the cops would put you in jail and make you worthless to me. But don’t get comfortable-I won’t rule the idea out.”

“You’re fucked in the head.” Wade managed to say, and Nyx rolled her eyes heavenward.

“Don’t preach to the choir, Wade. It’s boring. Now, please tell me you believe me. I have lots of things to do, and none of them involve terrifying you further into compliance.” She leaned against his truck and looked at him expectantly, crossing her arms.

“Are you on some sort of power trip from fucking your boyband boyfriend or something? Because, Jesus, Nyx, this is incredible.” Wade barely got the words out of his mouth before Nyx’s hand was on the back of his head, slamming his face into the side of his truck. Wade felt his nose give and his teeth tore into his tongue; his head flared with pain. As he stumbled in a small circle, holding his nose, Nyx looked at him, eyes burning.

“You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you.”

The whole world was pain, oh god, so much pain, and fireworks were erupting throughout his skull, shrill, unforgiving. Wade felt his knees hit the pavement.

“Fucking bitch!” He groaned, and expected a kick in the ribs for his cheek, but Nyx just chuckled and crouched to his level.

“What did I tell you about preaching to the choir? Now, are you going to give me what I want, or do I have to start fucking up your life, piece by piece? Because I’ll be honest with you, Wade-I’m damn good at it. Hell, I do it to myself, all the time. Now be a good boy. Give Nyx what she wants, sha. We’re all happier, that way.” Her voice was so sweet, you’d think she was talking to a baby or a puppy or even her stupid fag boyfriend.

Wade shoved his hand in his pocket and thrust his cell phone at her. “Cole. Take his number. Get the fuck away from me.”

Nyx took his phone and stood up, leaning against his truck. “Smart boy. I’m going to give you a little more credit from now on.” He could see her taking out her Blackberry and transferring numbers, not giving a shit that he was bowled over on the cold ground, his face dripping blood all over his white polo shirt.

It was only a few seconds, but it felt like hours until she bent down to face him. “I’ll tuck your phone back in your pocket for you, since you seem otherwise engaged.” Wade felt her fingers against his leg, and just her slight touch made him almost choke with fear.

Nyx’s hand came up and gently nudged his bloody chin, making him look reluctantly up at her.

“Damn, dude. You look like me after a long weekend.” She chuckled morosely. Wade could not speak; he could only just goggle at her.

She studied his face, her eyes no longer hard and flat. She looked amused, as if she was observing something interesting in a zoo.

“I’ve got to get going now, Wade. You know how responsibilities are-they never stop calling, even when you’re having fun. Especially when you’re having fun.” Her hand left his chin and she rose to her feet, looking down at him with a smirk.

“Thanks for helping me out. I’ll stay out of your way now, except, of course, if you do or say anything that makes me angry. I don’t think you will, though. You learn fast.”

Wade closed his eyes and gingerly touched his nose, which almost made him scream.

Nyx chuckled and patted him condescendingly on the head.

“Yeah, I know it hurts like a bitch. Lots of ice. Painkillers work, sometimes, but liquor is your best bet. See you later, Wade.”

She turned and strode off, and when she disappeared around the side of his truck, Wade finally gave in-he collapsed against his truck and did not get up, for a very long time.
*****************************************
You may think all of this sounds like it came out of a bad action movie, one that bombed at the box office and made critics on the Internet start bawling. But I wouldn’t make this shit up. Life is ugly, and people do what they have to do. Shit, that’s probably why I’ve had such bad karma. I don’t have any other excuses for human nature-it just is what it is, and it happened. All of it did.

Unfortunately.