It all happened so fast.

One minute Chris was there and I was so grateful he was alive and he smelled so good and I couldn’t feel mad at him, even though a part of me wanted to. And then they made me drink that strawberry bullshit daiquiri, and they kept on talking about somebody named Perez Hilton, who sounded vaguely familiar. And then raised voices and Chris asking if I could walk. And then that confusing trip through all the bodies, and all of sudden we were under bright lights with a bunch of cameras going off and screaming questions.

 My paranoia chose that point to resurface. I had never been more scared in my life, and Chris was looking at me and his mouth was moving, but I couldn’t hear anything. And then-

 “Nyx, why did you run away from home?!” 

Cold terror gripped my stomach. They knew. How?

You idiot, it was only a matter of time.

I wheeled around to find the source of the voice, not caring that I was in the middle of rolling, that Chris was trying to tug me back, that we were trying to make a normal exit. They were finding things out about me, and I had to find it and MAKE IT STOP. 

The voices were screaming even louder now, and trying to discern a familiar one was making my head hurt. My name was coming from all angles and people were shouting question after question at me-why was I arrested, why had I run, was I going back to Louisiana, how serious were Chris and I…all the things I didn’t know the answers to in one place. Terror. I was terrified. I hadn’t expected them to care about us. I didn’t expect that there’d be such a big crowd out for a nightclub in Orlando. And all of a sudden the bright flashbulbs had stopped and the voices were fainter and Chris’s dark eyes were filling the world, his hands rubbing my shoulders, making me shiver all over. 

“Nyx, are you alright?” 

“Uh huh.” I said faintly. Things were happening too fast.  

“Are they coming?” I heard Alan ask, and Lance said something, but I didn’t hear him. 

“Valet’s coming around.” I heard someone say, and I looked up at Chris. 

“I didn’t like that.” 

His lips were tight. “Me neither. It’s not all they say it is.” 

I didn’t like to see Chris looking so drawn and serious. It worried me. I reached up and slid my fingers through his hair. I almost came-it was so soft. He looked down at me, and his gaze softened. 

“I showed them who’s boss. Don’t worry, Chris, not going to let them get you.” I said, very seriously, and I saw the corner of his mouth tip in a reluctant little smile. His grip on me tightened and I instinctively rubbed up against his side, making little sounds of pleasure. 

“Nyx, you’re making this whole ‘staying cool’ thing very difficult, babe.” He said between clenched teeth, but I could tell I was turning him on. I sighed. 

 “I’m sorry, I just lo-…”

“Chris!”

 I’m going to kill him. I’m going to murder him and make it look like an accident, I swear to God. 

Chris glared at Alan, who had materialized out of nowhere at the worst possible moment in history.

 “Can it wait?” He asked between gritted teeth, and Alan sighed.

“Not really. Unless you have a book at home that describes how to deal with this sort of thing. You don’t strike me as a reader, though.”

Chris exhaled. She was about to say it, I know it.

 He looked down at Nyx, still glued against his side, her eyes blinking drowsily up at him, so utterly dependent on him, for once, to hold her up. At that moment, he hated Alan. HATED him. And Chris Kirkpatrick did not believe in HATING people. 

“Fine. What do I do?” He snapped, and Alan rolled his eyes.

“Can we at least talk about it in private?” Chris stared at him incredulously.

“Dude, I doubt she’s got the best sense of comprehension right now.” 

“Two plus two equals four.” Nyx said suddenly, and both of the men looked down at her. Her eyebrow rose.

“See? I can spell.” 

Alan gave Chris a pained expression. “Please just stop being such a pain in the royal ass and leave her for two minutes with Lance while I tell you how to deal with this shit, okay, Kirkpatrick?” 

Chris sighed. “Fine. Lance!” 

Lance, who had been keeping an eye out for rogue paparazzi, sidled up to them. He looked cautious, as if he thought they’d start brawling right there on the sidewalk. 

“Manage Nyx for a few minutes while Chris and I have a talk.” Alan requested, and Lance eyed Nyx.

"Is she going to hump my leg too?”

“Only if you want me to.” Nyx replied, fixing Lance with a mischievous grin. Lance sighed.

“Hand her over, Chris.” 

“Like I’m a piece of luggage.” Nyx grumbled, this little sign of her old personality making Chris feel a bit better, but she moved to stand beside Lance complacently enough, and Chris followed Alan to a spot few feet away, his feet already itching to get back to her. 

“Dude, do you have like a knack for ruining moments?” He wondered aloud, and Alan rolled his eyes.

“I’m sorry for breaking up what must have been a real SINCERE moment for the both of you.” 

Chris wanted to punch him. 

Alan didn’t bother with formalities. He checked both ways for loitering passerby and then leaned close to Chris. “I’m going to give you a crash course on Ecstasy, and I hope you listen, because if something happens to Nyx, there’s not enough money in the world to keep you safe, do you hear me?”

 Chris blinked in shock. “Dude, what the hell? You REALLY think I’d let something happen to her?” 

Alan looked down at the ground. “Chris, something already HAS happened to her.” 

“Okay, okay, fine. What do I need to know? Just tell me.” Chris said impatiently, and Alan gave him a withering look, but continued. 

“Give her water frequently, but don’t let her guzzle it down. Like I said, it leads to hyper hydration, and that can kill you. She’s going to clench her teeth and she’s going to shake a little, that’s normal. Her eyes will keep rolling, that’s normal, too. And if you hadn’t noticed, she’s a little….” Alan hesitated.

 “Touchy?” Chris asked, raising an eyebrow, and Alan nodded, pressing his lips together. 

“That’s the whole object of this, to make her FEEL good. And at this point, we really can’t do anything, so you might as well make it as easy as you can for her. She’ll pretty much do anything you suggest, but the best thing to do is to just keep her lying down. I’m not entirely sure what else is in that pill, so you never know how they’ll act…” 

“Whoa, wait, what do you mean, what else is in that pill?” Chris asked hotly.

Alan sighed tolerantly. “It could be anything. Heroin. Coke. Speed. If it was speed, we’d know. She’s got ADD or ADHD or whatever that shit is, it slows her right down. I’m pretty sure, though, that this pill is pure Ecstasy, so what you’re seeing now is probably what you’re going to get for the remainder of it.” 

“How long does it last?” Chris asked, feeling himself about to panic. Alan pressed his lips together, trying not to smile.

 “All night.” 

“All night?!” Chris yelped, and Alan nudged him sharply. 

“Shut up, Jesus Christ.” He hissed, and Chris took a deep breath. 

“Okay, so you’re saying she’s going to be rubbing up on me like that ALL night? How much of that do you think I can take, Alan?! It’s hard enough right now!” Chris exclaimed, already feeling the oncoming tingle of blue ball syndrome.

 Alan shook his head. “I don’t know, man. There’s not much I can tell you other then try and distract her from all that, if you want to be a good guy and not take advantage of her.”

 “How the hell do you expect me to do that? She thinks I’m a stripper pole and we’re not even in a bed!”

 Alan made a face. “Man, too much info. Look, she’s easy enough to distract, but she’ll want to…cuddle.” Alan’s face contorted, and Chris couldn’t blame him- Nyx WANTING to cuddle was like Sean Connery wearing pink and attending tea parties. Chris yanked at his hair in helplessness.

“This is some fucked up shit, Alan.” 

Alan nodded. “Yeah, it is. But hey, it could be worse.” 

Chris snorted. “How the hell could it get any worse?” 

Alan bit his lip.

“Let me try to say this in a way that does not make you want to kill me: you could be me, through this whole thing. You could be placing your complete and utter trust in a guy you barely know to take care of the one girl who means everything to you. Because to tell you the truth, Chris, I’m jealous as hell. Interpret that however you want.” 

Chris just stared at him. “You. Are. Gay.” 

Alan kicked at the ground in frustration. “I know I am, goddammit! I still love her, if that makes any sense. I’ve been knowing her for years-her family is my goddamn family, for Christ sakes. And this is the first time I’ve ever seen her like this, Chris, all sweet and loving and utterly dependent. You may be her boyfriend, but you haven’t been waiting for this chance as long as I have. Granted, I love Nyx as she is, and I know you do too, but this is something that’ll probably never happen again. And here I am, telling YOU how to deal with it.”

 Alan mirrored Chris’s actions, tugging angrily at his hair. Chris bit his lip and looked at the ground. His primitive instinct wanted to kick Alan’s ass for lying all this time-yes, he still had feelings for Nyx, that despite his claims, that Alan still harbored a stubborn love for Chris’s woman even though he was messing with Lance, Chris’s best friend. It was way too complicated to think about right now. Chris sighed.

 “Look, Alan-I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you two. But I can’t help the way Nyx feels-you know how she is. And I promise I’ll take good care of her. I don’t know what else you want me to say, man.” 

Alan took a deep breath. “I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to do what I couldn’t, and though I don’t want to admit it, for some weird fucking reason, I trust you. You hear me, Kirkpatrick? I trust you. Fuck it all, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s cause I know how that girl can make you feel, and it’s fucking insane.  Does she make you insane?” 

Chris met Alan’s eyes. He nodded. 

“She does. She makes me insane. When I tell myself to walk away, my feet never listen. When she hides from me, I can’t stop myself from looking for her. I’m as fucked as you are, Alan, remember that. Just before you walked up, I thought she was going to tell me, you know, that she loved me.” Chris exhaled and looked at the ground.

“But she didn’t.” 

Alan took a deep breath. “Look, that’s the other thing-Chris, however long you’ve been waiting to hear her say it, however badly you want her to, remember that she’s at the mercy of a DRUG. I doubt you would, but just…don’t influence her to say it just for the sake of hearing it, are you understanding me, Chris?” Alan peered at him, but the other man just glared. 

“That’s pretty fucked up. I would never do that.”

 “I didn’t say that you would, I’m just saying that it’s…shit, Chris, you know what I mean. It’s not like she wouldn’t MEAN it, but-…”

 “I’d rather wait another three months to hear it from her sober, Alan.” Chris said quietly, and the other man just closed his eyes.

“I know. I just don’t want you to get hurt.” 

Chris let out a derisive snort . “Don’t worry about me. The only reason you have to worry about me is if you try to take her from me, and then it’s game over, Alan. I don’t care if you guys sat together in Home Ec and spent Christmases at her family’s, the relationship ended for a reason, and while I’ve got no problem with you guys being friends, I don’t play very well with others when it comes to jealousy.”

 Alan’s gaze darkened. “Must I remind you that it was Nyx that left me, twice? Don’t go painting me as the bad guy, Chris. You only know an INCH of what happened between Nyx and I, so don’t jump to conclusions.” 

“She didn’t want to be with you because she didn’t want your life.” Chris said simply. Alan snorted.

“Funny how she picks a guy with almost the exact same life and becomes Miss Commitment all of a sudden.” Chris just looked at him evenly.

“Alan, Nyx only has to be herself with me, and you know it. It’s not about how well known we are or how much money we have. She just doesn’t want to be caged.” Alan just chuckled bitterly.

“And what’s going to happen when her name keeps popping up more frequently in the gossip rags, Chris? When your album gets big, if it does, and she can’t leave the house without being followed? Dress it up any way you like, but a cage is a cage, and Nyx Dufrene doesn’t do cages.” 

Alan could see the other man’s jaw clenching. “We had a talk about that. She’s willing to try if I am. I’m sorry if you guys didn’t learn COMPROMISE back in high school.” Chris snapped.

Alan threw up his hands. “Fucking Christ, Chris, why the fuck are we sitting here having a pissing contest? You have her. Congratufuckinglations. You’ve managed to catch and entertain the most unattainable fucking person on the planet. Bravo for you. Maybe you two will make it; who knows? I just give up, Chris. I’m not going to fight you for her; I know when I’ve been beaten.  Okay? Can we leave it at that?” 

Chris fixed him with a hard look. “Fine. We’ll leave it at that. And for the record, figure out your goddamn sexual preference issue, because I won’t have you screwing around with Lance’s head, either. Either you like dick, or you don’t. Pick one. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a loaded girlfriend to take care of.” 

He didn’t bother turning to see Alan’s expression (which was open mouthed with shock) and his heart almost turned over in his chest when Nyx saw him and threw herself into his arms.

 “Mmhmm, Chris, bring me home-you smell sooo good…” Her lips brushed his earlobe, and Chris looked at Lance with a sigh. 

“Looks like it’s gonna be a long night.” Lance said, trying not to smile. 

 Chris exhaled. “Dude, it already has been. Where’s that little prick with the car?” 

“He’s coming. Look, Chris, are you going to be able to handle her?” Lance raised his eyebrow as Nyx nuzzled Chris’s chest.

 “Yeah, I think so. I really hope she doesn’t go comatose on me or something.” He blew Nyx’s hair out of his face. 

“Just pray to God she doesn’t need to go to the hospital.” Lance said grimly, and Nyx snorted into Chris’s shirt. 

“Far from it, Poofy.”

Lance just rolled his eyes heavenward. 

Trevor screeched up to the curb in Chris’s PT, cheerfully greeting them all until his eyes stopped on Nyx, and Chris grimly slipped him a hefty tip to keep his mouth shut.

Chris helped Nyx get in the car, then ran around to the driver’s side. As he was about to duck inside, he met Alan’s eyes. They were full of fear, and Chris shook his head.

 Don’t worry.

 As if he had heard, Alan nodded sadly, and Chris jumped into the car and threw it in drive. They rolled quickly out onto the highway, which was, thank God, clear. Chris sighed in relief to be out of the public eye, and he looked over at Nyx, who was fidgeting in her seat.

“Got your seatbelt on?” 

“Yup!” Nyx beamed at him. 

Chris chuckled. “I shouldn’t even say this, but you are too cute for words right now.” 

Nyx made a face. “Cute is for Miley Cyrus.”

 “Are you hungry?” Chris wanted to know, trying to think of what they had at his house to eat. Probably not much. He hadn’t been shopping in what seemed like years. He had no idea that Nyx was far from hungry.

 Nyx shook her head; she was engrossed in looking at her hand as if it was a foreign object from space. 

“I’m starving.” Chris sighed, and Nyx shrugged. “Feed your head.” 

He aimed the PT at the nearest Taco Bell, and thankfully Nyx waited until after they had rolled away to start twisting in her seat, drawing her knees to her chest and rubbing her bare arms. Her eyes were rolled all the way back into her head, and Chris tried not to panic-Alan HAD said it was normal, but it was fucking creepy.

 “Nyx, babe, you still with me?” He asked anxiously, and Nyx chuckled, deep in her throat. 

“Yup. I’m good, babe. Just…admiring the upholstery.” 

“What do you need?” It wasn’t easy trying to watch her and keep his eyes on the road at the same time. Lord knows what she’d do if the windows went down. Nyx moaned, and worried as he might have been, Chris felt his dick twitch. 

“You. Need. You.” 

Yep. Officially hard now. And it hurt like hell.

 “Hurrying, I promise.” He said tightly, though he didn’t know what the hell he was going to do with her when they got home.

 I’ll tell you what you do-fuck the living SHIT out of her.

 Chris winced. “You shut up.” He muttered to himself, and Nyx reached over and grasped his wrist. 

“What’d you say, babe?” She murmured, licking her lips.  

“Nothing. Almost there.”

 “Good. I’m thirsty.” Nyx sighed, letting go of his wrist and clutching her stomach.

Chris had never been so happy to see home. 

He helped Nyx out of the Cruiser (she stumbled a little bit) and they were inside with the lights on before he could blink. 

“C’mon, babe, let’s get you some water.” He could not fight the shivers he felt as Nyx’s fingers scratched gently at the back of his neck. She followed him like a meek lamb to the dark kitchen, where Chris immediately turned on every light. 

Why am I so afraid of my own girlfriend? 

Because she wants to rape you, The Undisputed Truth replied, sounding amused. 

Why is that such a bad thing? 

Because this is NOT Nyx. 

Chris bit his lip against that unsettling thought and  threw open the refrigerator, grabbing the first icy bottle of water he saw. He considered a beer to calm his nerves, but he knew he had to be of sound mind should anything happen, so he took a deep breath and closed the refrigerator door.   He didn’t know what he expected (Nyx poised to pounce on him from the island, maybe?) but she was watching his every movement with keen interest, quite still and quiet, as if she awaited orders.

Chris felt the cold finger of terror slide up his spine.  She could have been raped, or killed. Someone could have told her to follow and she would have gone. This is all my fault. 

All those times Chris secretly wished that Nyx was a little bit sweeter, a little more affectionate, a little more forthcoming with her feelings-he wanted to take those wishes back. He’d rather have the old Nyx here; strong, capable, on guard Nyx, who would have never allowed someone unfriendly to come near her or try to make her go where she didn’t want to. This Nyx was like a willing, waiting vessel, and Chris didn’t like it.  He handed over the water, and she took it immediately and started to suck it down. Chris let her get her fill, but after a few seconds he shook his head.

“Give it back, babe. Not too much.” Nyx shook her head, and Chris had to gently pry it away from her mouth.

“I’ll give you more, I promise. Just not all at one time.” He promised, and Nyx pouted, but she didn’t try to fight him on it. 

 “Do you want to go lie down?” He asked her, and she shook her head.

“I stink. Want to take a bath.” He hesitated. Alan had said nothing about baths, and Chris wasn’t too sure about letting her submerge herself, but then again, what could a shower hurt? Nothing, but he’d have to stay in there, and she’d be naked. Chris closed his eyes against that mental picture. Nyx naked was not a good way to stay in control. And she’d be rubbing herself all over and probably making those fucking moaning sounds, and…oh Jesus, it’s back. 

He sighed. “Okay, but I’ll stay in there with you.” Nyx smiled mischievously.

“Good.” 

Oh dear God, the world was cruel. 

Nyx turned and took a few steps, then stopped.

 “What’s the matter?” Chris was at her side in a second. Nyx looked up at him, grinning a little. “It feels like walking on marshmellows. This is one fucking fantastic tab.”

 Chris just goggled at her. “You’ve done this before?” 

Nyx straightened up and cocked her head to the side. “Yes.” She said quietly.

 “When?!” 

She shrugged, looking up at the ceiling, her pupils still eclipsing the hazel of her eyes. “Oh, you know,” She waved her hand vaguely, “before. Why? Haven’t you ever done it?” She fixed him with an unusually penetrating stare. 

Chris shook his head. “Never. I’ve smoked pot before, but never hard drugs.” Nyx’s face didn’t register any surprise. She just shrugged and continued to make her cautious way across the tile. Chris followed dumbly; he was still reeling from the indifferent way she had admitted of past drug use.  

What else can I get her to tell me? 

They were barely over the threshold of the bathroom when Nyx reached down and yanked her shirt clean over her head. Chris groaned inwardly. This was going to be painful. And Nyx knew just what she was doing. She sent him a small smile over her bare shoulder, and Chris swallowed hard, not capable of tearing his eyes away from the feminine musculature in her back, the narrowness of her waist. Nyx’s bra fell to the floor, and he closed his eyes. If he concentrated hard enough, maybe he could will this fucking erection to go away. The smell of Joey’s shoes. Grandma porn. Anything.

 Nyx giggled and he heard the hiss of the shower. Chris’s eye opened, and he inhaled sharply.  

Yep, still here! his erection said cheerfully, and he tried not to stare, but water was sluicing down Nyx’s bare torso (God and was it nice) and she hadn’t even taken off her jeans, but they were unbuttoned and showed just the slightest hint of sheer black panties, Jesus Christ, this sucks. 

Nyx backed up against the far wall of the shower, her eyes heavy lidded again, her hands tangled in her hair. He could see the goosebumps on her skin from where he stood uncertainly in the doorway.

Chris closed his eyes again. I have to be good. I have to be good. She’s under the influence of drugs, for God’s sake. She doesn’t know what she’s doing and I don’t know what I’ll say if I get too close. God, Alan was right, the temptation to influence her is insane. 

It’s not like you haven’t had sex with her before. She IS your girlfriend.  

This is NOT my girlfriend. Nyx is sexy without having to try so hard. 

Who says she’s trying? 

“Chris…” Nyx moaned, and he grit his teeth.

 “I’m right here, babe. What’s the matter?” He addressed his question to the floor, but he could smell soap filling the bathroom, and the mental image of Nyx rubbing it all over herself made him ache. Whether or not Chris had a conscience as a person, there were some things that he couldn’t take as a man, and this was one of them. What he really wanted to do, drugs and morals be damned, is get in that fucking shower and paw her like a fucking animal. 

“Do you want me to get you some clothes?” Chris asked tightly, and Nyx sighed.

 “If you want me to wear clothes.” She said coquettishly. He heard the wet jeans hit the floor with a sucking slap. Jesus Christ. Chris fought to keep his voice even. “I’ll go see what I have. I’ll be right back.”

 “Hurry.” Her moan followed him into the hall, and he rubbed his temple tiredly. God, he was so tired. And horny. And freaked out. Chris wished they sold a fucking manual for guys who had emotionally screwy but uncontrollably hot girlfriends loaded on ecstasy.  He would read the fucking liner notes if it helped him get through this.

He was more scared of this Nyx then he was of the real one, who took down full sized men with paintballs and had a rawness in her that was sexier then any shower striptease could have been.

Chris grabbed the first thing he saw when he pulled open a drawer and hurried back to the bathroom, which was full of steam by now and reeked of mint so strongly that Chris felt his sinuses clear up.  

“Nyx, are you done?” He called, swallowing, and she sighed in response.  “Yup.” 

Chris approached the shower like a lion tamer approaches the den, holding a towel in front of him like a censor bar. The muggy heat of the shower laid over him like a suffocating blanket, and Nyx emerged out of the shower, soaking wet, her eyes drowsy. She walked straight into the towel, then looked up into his eyes. 

“You’re being awfully good.” She murmured softly, and Chris took a deep breath. “I have to be.” Nyx’s lips grazed his cheek.

“Who says?” Chris sucked air into his lungs and wrapped the towel carefully around her wet body. Nyx just stood there, watching him through lowered lashes. He felt every look like a touch. 

“Come on now, get dry. You’re getting me all wet.” Chris chuckled, and Nyx smiled boldly at him. “That’s completely turned around, isn’t it?” Chris looked away from her.

“Nyx, I’m really freaked out about all this.” Nyx bit her lip, looking hurt. She pulled the towel tighter around her body. 

“Why?” Chris shook his head. “Because I’m not used to this, okay? It’s a lot to take in.” Nyx looked down at her bare feet.

 “I don’t like it, either.” Chris gently grasped her damp upper arms.

“I know. Let’s just put some clothes on you and go lie down. I just want to sleep. It’s been a long day.” 

“Is it my being naked?” Nyx whispered, sounding terrifyingly close to tears. Chris sighed and pulled her against him, smelling that damn mint in her hair, the towel soaking his entire front side.

 “No, babe, you know that’s not it.” He whispered against her skin, closing his eyes and cursing himself for his callousness. He heard her quick intake of breath and felt her arms slide around his back. And right away, Chris realized that he had walked into a trap. 

Chris’s back connected with the sink at exactly the most painful level, but he had no chance to gasp or shift positions, because Nyx’s legs were pinning him against the cabinets (legs wrapped around him in the pool; how could she be so strong?) and her lips, soft and wet and achingly familiar, closed over his.

 Jesus Christ, it felt so good. Damn the fact that she was not the same Nyx he knew. Damn the fact she was on ecstasy. Damn the fact that Chris was trying to do the right fucking thing. All he knew is that her mouth had never tasted so good, and really, what was the harm in kissing her back? She was his, wasn’t she? 

Nyx moaned into his mouth. Fuck it. Chris’s fingers entangled themselves in her wet hair and he attacked her, lips and teeth and tongue rubbing against each other, her self satisfied purring reverberating in his ears. The towel fell, and Nyx pressed her body (naked, thank God, naked) against Chris’s. His hand immediately cupped her breast and she bit his lower lip gently. “Finally.” She growled. 

Chris glared at her, his head foggy with lust. “This isn’t fair, Nyx.” 

Nyx chuckled. Her pupils contracted into microdots, expanded, and filled Chris’s world. “Tell me something I don’t know.” 

Nimble fingers loosened his belt. His pants came off. 

“Stop it.” He breathed, but Nyx’s teeth grazed his earlobe. 

“Why?” She hissed against his cheek, her hand THERE (Oh god Oh God feels so good, feels so good, babe, don’t stop) and her lips here and her breath there… 

“Because…Oh fucking shit…Nyx…” Chris threw his head back, smacking it against the mirror, nearly inviting seven years bad luck.

 “Isn’t this what you want?” She demanded, squeezing him. Chris’s eyes rolled straight back in his head.

 “I…just…” He swallowed; the words wouldn’t come. 

“You want to see me unguarded? Here I am.” Nyx whispered, her lips soft at his ear, but her words were harsh, and Chris shook his head lamely.

 “No, I…”Another squeeze, and Chris hissed in pleasure. “You what?” She challenged, pushing her body tighter against his. 

“I just want you to admit it.” Chris managed to choke out, which was a feat in itself, because Nyx held his entire reproductive future in her hand, and he did not to sing any higher then he already did.

 “Admit what?” She demanded, and Chris met her eyes.

 “That you need me.” Her fingers released him immediately, and she took a step back, her eyes no longer wild and furious, but dark and pained. Chris slowly straightened up from the sink, his back aching, his knee throbbing, his heart in his chest, throat dry. He swallowed, and the sound of the shower running became very loud. Moment of truth.

Nyx closed her eyes, bit her lip, shook her head. Chris felt his heart splinter.He looked down at the floor. Should have known. Breathing stopped. Time hiccupped. Lips moved. 

“I do.” 

Oh my God. 

Oh my God. 

My. Fucking. Head.

 I groan and roll sideways. One eye cracks open to find, thank God, darkness. The sun hasn’t come up yet. My stomach rolls uneasily. My mouth feels like it’s been doused in chalk.  Ecstasy hangover. Fucking. Bummer. 

Chris lies next to me, passed out. He’s naked. We both are. I’m not surprised. I close my eyes to block out the sight of his face. That fucking face gets me every time. Every time I look at him, I think of the love I don’t deserve, and how freely he gives it to me when he’s never given it to anybody else.

Water. Oh, I need water. Something to chase the Sahara out of my mouth. I stagger to my feet, and I feel my sinuses drop. My nose hurts. I hurt all over.
I stumble across the dark bedroom and nearly break my neck trying to locate the handle to the bathroom. It’s cool under my hand when I finally find it, and I lurch inside. 

My knees hit the tile in front of the toilet, and I start quietly retching, praying to God every second that Chris does not hear me. I doubt he will. He hasn’t slept in almost two days.  

I do not feel a twinge of regret for last night, for what I can remember, that is. I knew it would come back to me eventually, but for now my mind was clouded by sickness and pain. I don’t have much to give to the toilet, but I’m used to dry heaving. I sit there in the dark on the cool tile for awhile, just breathing and being. I don’t think. I just sit there, and I slowly expel breaths. Reality will come back in crushing detail, but for now, nothing.

 After awhile, I slowly rise to my feet and make my way to the sink. Surfaces and textures still feel strange to me, and I know I still have a twinge of MDMA in me. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I do remember the sex.

 My eyes close and I lean forward and let the water from the faucet trickle over my lips. It feels so good to my dry mouth that I just sit stand there and suck it down drowsily.  When I feel as if my stomach will burst from the amount of water (danger be damned) I pull away and splash the water on my face, which feels prickly. My jaw aches and my teeth tingle. My cheeks are sore. Motherfucking case of the uglies. 

I reach over and flick on the light that illuminates the mirror, nothing more. I look at myself in the mirror, naked, pale; my thighs and neck and cheeks burning with red from where Chris’s stubble made their mark. Love marks. Marks from love. Uh huh. I look in my eyes and I see nothing.

 Nothing. I’m fucking nothing without him. It hurts to admit it, but there it is. I’ve said it. I know it. Why fight it? The point is, why did I have to fucking say it at all? What other secrets do I not remember telling him while we were tangled around each other, moaning and sweating and-oh, Jesus, my head aches. Don’t think about it, Nyx, think about that tomorrow. 

I close my eyes, I tell myself lies.

And as I’m standing there, silently falling apart, a thick warmth trickles out of my nose and falls to the floor.  

I don’t move until I’m standing in it. 

Love grows in me like a tumor
Parasite bent on devouring its host
I'm developing my sense of humor
Till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth
Till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet

Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burnt
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a dozer
I've got more give than a bale of hay
And there's always a big mess left over
With the "What did you do?"
And the "What did you say?"
"What did you do?" and the "What did you say?"

Skillet on the stove
It's such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burnt
What the fuck was I thinking?