Chapter 20: Build Your Fences, Set Restrictions

January 12th, 1997

“Shit!” Mack shouted once she saw the clock when she woke up one morning in January. She didn’t realize how tired she was but the time displayed on her clock confirmed that she was going to be the one late for their last minute video rehearsal for once. Usually it was JC who was late ‘cause he was still sleeping. ‘Am I going to get it’ she said to herself as she rushed around to get dressed, fighting off the feeling of drowsiness that still enveloped her.

 It’s been a long three months filled with rehearsing for the music video for their next single, making a set list for their upcoming European Tour, rehearsing for the tour, flying back and forth between Orlando and Europe for shows and interviews, performing in Disney World, and flying back and flying back and forth to see families on the holidays they had off. Halloween they all spent in Orlando, Thanksgiving they went to their respective hometowns, instead of Mack going with Justin and Trace to Memphis she visited family in Canada, and Christmas was spent back in Orlando, everyone’s families together. New Years they had to spend in Europe taping two different New Years shows in one day.

Now she not only had to deal with the stress of making sure every little dance move was perfect but she also had to take over some shifts at the photo shop because of his frequent “sick days”, work a bit more about the house to keep it clean and to get food on the table, and continue to go around pretending like nothing was wrong and her life was perfect, even though it was the complete opposite. She was losing sleep from staying up and listening to her parents arguing over the phone. She really wanted to confront them and tell them she all ready knew what was going on, but she was too mad to do anything about it. So she decided to just keep her mouth shut and wait for them to tell her about it, no matter how long it took.

“Dad, why didn’t you wake me?” She asked as she moved down the stairs while trying to tie her shoes. “Dad?” She called, lifting her bag over her shoulder and moving into the kitchen. She frowned and let out a sigh when she saw him sleeping on the couch. “Oh, Daddy.”  She put down her bag and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, covering him with it. She took off his glasses and placed it on the coffee table. Just then the doorbell rang. “Who the heck could that be/’ She muttered as she rushed to the door. “Man, I’m going to be so late and–aaahhhh!” She screamed before slamming the door shut. She stared at the door as if she didn’t believe what was behind it.

“You know it’s rude not to open the door for someone.” Mack shuddered at the voice on the other side of the door, swallowed the lump in her throat, and opened it. Lou smiled a bit and Mack fought off the urge to barf on his feet. “Are you ready to go?”

“What’re you talking about?” She kept her grip on the doorknob, ready to slam the door in his face again if she needed to.

“Your father called me and said that he wouldn’t be able to take you to rehearsal so I offered to take you and he said it was ok. So now I’m here.” He studied her face. “Hurry up; you don’t want to be late.”

When she didn’t move he grabbed her left upper arm and gave it a hard squeeze. She let out a little gasp in pain and tried to pull her arm out of his grasp but he held on tight. He easily yanked her out of the house, pulling the door shut, and led her to his car. Mack’s heart sank when she saw that there was someone in the driver’s seat of the Rolls-Royce so that meant she’d have to sit in the back with him.

“How are you doing today, Ms. Desrosiers?” The chauffeur asked as he opened the door.

“I’ve been better,” she muttered under her breath, getting into the car. She slid across the seat, all the way to the other side until her thigh was pressing up against the door. She bit her lip when she felt her seat sink slightly when Lou got into the car. She could feel his eyes boring holes in the side of her face but she didn’t move. She kept her cheek pressed against the cool glass and fought to keep the bile that was churning in her stomach down.

“I still can’t believe you did that to your beautiful hair,” Lou broke the silence the fell over the car. “You shouldn’t have done that. You have such beautiful hair.” She practically jumped out of her skin when she felt his fingers tug at the bright blue strands in her hair. Her breath came out shaky; her heart beat against her ribcage so hard she thought it would burst right out of her chest. Her palms flooded with sweat, she started shaking when Lou trailed a finger down her cheek. “You shouldn’t change anything about yourself, no matter who tries to convince you.” He rubbed his thumb across her cheek and she shivered. “You’re very beautiful.”

As soon as the car parked she kicked open the door, grabbed her bag, and ran towards the dance studio’s doors. She didn’t care that she had knocked over the chauffeur, she didn’t care that she probably had ruined part of the car’s interior, she needed to get away from him as fast as her legs could carry her. She pushed open the bathroom door with her shoulder, threw her bag into the corner, and dropped down in front of the toilet, finally letting the contents of her stomach pass her lips and splash into the bowl.

Her body shook and gasps of air mixed with the throat clenching sound of sickness. When her stomach finally emptied she shakily got to her feet and made a face at the taste in her mouth. Once she steadied herself she made it to the sink, ran the water a bit, splashed some into her mouth, spitting out the water-bile mixture and looked up at her reflection. She was pale––her skin was milky in color––but she now resembled snow.

She splashed water in her face and gave herself a little pep talk before finally seeing the faint pink tint return to her cheeks. She closed her eyes briefly, shook her head, trying to shake away the nausea that was left over and pulled open the bathroom door.

The first thing that she saw when she stepped into the dance studio was Chris running around the length of the room; Justin’s basketball was in his hands. He was yelling over his shoulder, something about Justin needed to let go of his security blanket and man up. Justin was chasing after Chris yelling something along the lines of “You gotta move faster than that, Old Man!” Lance was sitting in the corner, watching them run around, not adding to the chaos but not stopping them either. She caught bits and pieces of a story Joey was telling JC about some hot chick on the beach he was trying to impress with disastrous results.

“You want your ball back so bad?” Chris demanded, finally stopped running. “Catch!” He chest-passed the ball to Justin as hard as he could, trying to catch him off guard. It worked and Justin ducked. The ball smacked Mack right in the face, causing her to stagger a bit. The ball landed on the ground and bounced a few times before rolling over to Lance, whose eyes were wide and his mouth was open a bit. Chris slowly lifted his head and Justin slowly turned around, as if afraid to see what was behind them. JC and Joey whipped their heads around at the sound of the bouncing basketball. Everything seemed to halt when she got hit in the face, it was dead silent, and it was the quietest the boys have ever been when she was around.

“I thought I told you to leave your basketball outside,” Mack said as she rubbed her nose gently. She dropped her bag and kicked it towards the stereo. “Did you guys stretch yet?” she asked, looking at them. They shook their heads. “What do you need to wait for me to tell you to do it?” She demanded, putting her hands in her hips and doing her best to give her no-nonsense stare.

They immediately gathered in the middle of the floor and dropped onto their stomachs to start their pushups. She sat down with her back resting against the wall of mirrors as they competed to see who could do the most pushups in a certain time frame. She tried to keep her focus on counting for the boys to see which one would reach the goal but her mind kept wandering.

She couldn’t believe how inappropriate Lou was being, but she also couldn’t believe that she always found herself frozen in the situation. She was just…letting Lou touch her and there were huge warning signs going off in her head every time he got her cornered, but he had power and she was afraid. Not for her own safety, but for the guys’ future. It could all come crashing down in one moment because of her and she didn’t want to be responsible for that as well as be seen in a different light because of the inappropriate circumstances.

And what would her parents think if she told them? With their minds being somewhere else she wouldn’t put it past them if they thought she was spitting tales for attention. And that only made her feel worse.

“Hey Space Cadet, I’m talking to you!” Chris practically yelled in her ear, causing her to jump. He snickered, pleased with her reaction. “We wanted to know what you wanted us to work on.”

“Uhhh.” She blushed. Her mind’s been jumbled so lately she hasn’t been able to create a set regimen for them. She then thought about it for a bit, telling herself to calm down and focus on the task at hand. “Well, your music video shoot is tomorrow but the tour is coming up. Which one seems more important to you guys?” She finally asked.

“You want our opinions?” Joey asked slowly.

“Yes.”

“Since when?” Chris demanded. “You usually just tell us what to do. Since when do you want our opinions?” his voice was laced with suspicion as if he expected her to shape shift into a monster or something.

“Since I felt like asking for it,” she replied, not in the mood for Chris’s crazy antics. “Video or tour? Majority wins.”

“I think working on the tour is a better idea,” Lance spoke up. “I mean, we all ready know the dance to Tearin’ Up My Heart. I could do it in my sleep; we don’t need to work on it any longer. The tour, however, we still have to work out some kinks with the band for song transitions.”

“Don’t worry about the band just yet.” Mack sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. “Johnny told me that Lou wants to set you guys up with your tracks playing in the background before using an actual band.”

They all started protesting at once.

“He knows how good we are.”

“We’re worked really hard to prove ourselves.”

“This isn’t fair!”

“Haven’t we proved ourselves?”

“How much harder do we have to work?”

Mack covered her ears at their sudden screaming and waited for them to stop. “You want to deal with this, talk to Lou yourselves. I’m just passing on a message, ok? Don’t shoot me.” She grabbed her bag and pulled it closer to herself. “Do you want to see the setlist or not?” They nodded and gathered around her as she placed a piece of paper on the ground and they all gathered around her to take a look. “You guys did a good job finding a balance between up-tempo and low-tempo songs.”

Nsync 1997 European Tour Setlist:

1.      Here We Go

2.      I Thought She Knew (Acapella)

3.      Tearin’ Up My Heart

4.      I Want You Back

“Why is it so…short?” Justin questioned.

“Because Johnny says that Lou says he doesn’t think you guys are ready for a longer set yet. He wants to make sure you guys have a solid fan base,” she replied.

“How do you know so much?” Chris demanded.

“It’s called learning, you should try it, maybe this way you won’t strike out with girls all of the time,” she replied, deadpan. The other guys laughed as Chris scowled. “Ok guys, take it from the top.”

She watched them dance through the entire set with a critical eye. They were making fewer mistakes than they did when they started out but there were a few missteps here and there. Most of them belonged to Lance but a few belonged to Joey and Chris. JC and Justin barely made mistakes but a slight change in their facial features tipped her off that they knew they had made a small mistake and not to mention it. They were perfectionists and they beat themselves up about it all the time, no need for her to do it.

She clicked her tongue and looked over the notebook that was in her hands. She always kept tabs on what they needed to work on; sometimes she even went as far as videotaping their practice so they could see their mistakes. They were flopped out on the ground, panting a bit as they watched her, waiting to hear what she had to say.

“You’re looking a lot better,” she started. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t improve, but I’m not saying that you can be perfect either. No one’s perfect.” She looked back down at her notes once more. “That being said, Lance you have to stop second guessing yourself. If you make a mistake, go with it, and then jump right back in. Sure, someone might notice, but if you make a mistake with a smile and you ooze confidence then no one will care.” He nodded and wiped sweat off of his brow. “Joey, you’re getting a little too eager in the breakdown part of “I Want You Back”. So eager, in fact, that you’re a bit early. Slow it down a bit and you’ll be fine.” Joey raised his thumb in an OK gesture. “Chris you’re doing fine, just put a little more energy into the performance, I know you’re tired now but you’re going to be even more tired when you tour but you don’t want the audience to know it. JC and Justin, you guys are basically there, you just have to stop beating yourselves up if you make a little mistake because we can all see it here.” She waved her hand in front of her face. “As long as you play it off no one will notice.” She looked at her watch. ‘You guys did great today; I’ll let you off early.”

“You…are a sweetheart,” Joey said.

“Careful, her head’ll get big,” Justin teased.

“I have a question,” Chris said as he waved his hand in the air as if he were in school. “Why is it when Joe, C, and I do the one-handed back flip part why does JC land before us?”

“’Cause JC is two inches taller than you,” she replied instantly.

“Yeah, but Joey’s taller than C and he lands the same time I do, at least a split second after C if not two,’ Chris continued.

“JC has more momentum when he flips.” She put down her notebook, stood, and stretched her arms. “See, you and Joey do more of a cartwheel flip thing while JC does and actual back flip. He keeps his body more centered” She waved her hands and ushered them out of the way. “Like so.” Counting a bit out loud she crouched down, placed one hand behind herself, and used her leg muscles to flip herself backwards and landed on her feet effortlessly. “The reason yours comes out more like a cartwheel is because your weight is slightly off balance and you use your other arm to guide yourself in case you fall.” She crouched down and started to bring herself back once more, imitating what they did. Something in her left arm gave out and she found herself falling straight towards the ground. She brought down her right arm to try and turn it into a normal backhand spring but she landed on it too hard and hit the floor with a thud and a groan of pain.

“Oh my gosh. Are you ok?’ Lance asked as they rushed to her side.

Using her left hand she pushed herself back into a sitting position and held her right wrist as her hand fell limp. “No,” she replied, her voice strained. “My wrist really hurts.”

“Jus, go get Johnny,” JC ordered. Justin nodded and darted out of the room. “Honey, can you move your hand at all?” He asked, lightly holding her fingers.

Her face scrunched up in pain when she tried to move her hand. “No,” she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. Her eyes were squinted, she was trying to keep the tears from spilling but her wrist really hurt. This was the worst pain she has ever felt before. “It hurrrrts.”

“I know, honey, you’ll be fine,” JC said as Lance, Joey, and Chris rubbed her back and hugged her. She tensed a bit but relaxed soon after. “Everything will be ok.” He looked up when Justin came back into the room with Johnny and Lou behind him. Mack tensed again once her eyes rested on Lou. Chris noticed but shook the thought away thinking that it was only because Joey had jostled her.

“What exactly happened?” Johnny asked, taking her hand.

“She was showing us the difference between JC’s flip and ours,” Joey explained. “I guess her arm gave our or something because she fell on her wrist pretty hard and now she can’t move her hand.”

“Sounds like a broken wrist to me,” Lou commented.

Johnny nodded and took her hand. “Little Lady, this is going to hurt a bit,” Johnny said as he gently took her limp hand. Mack grasped Justin’s hand and turned her head into JC’s shoulder. She sucked in her breath and squeezed Justin’s hand when Johnny tried to move her hand a bit to the left. “Yeah, that’s definitely broken. C’mon Little Lady, we’re taking you to the hospital.”

“No!” she practically shouted.

Johnny blinked. “You have to if you want to keep the use in that hand.”

“No1 I can’t go to the hospital. Justin, don’t let them take me!” She begged, clinging to his arm.

“You have to,” Justin said softly, pushing her hair out of her face, noticing that her eyes were wide and filled with fear. “We’ll be with you, ok? Nothing will happen to you, I promise.” She nodded and he easily pulled her to her feet.

“I’m sooooo sorry,” Chris suddenly blurted out causing all of them to jump. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry. Don’t punish me with pushups!”

Mack chuckled a bit. “I don’t blame you Chris. It’s not your fault.”

“But I’m really sorry.”

“I know.”

Justin continued to hold her hand as he led her out the door. The others gathered their things and followed them at a brisk pace down the halls, through the lobby, and out the door to their cars. Justin nudged her. “You look like a tomato. It’s ok to cry, you know.” He gave her hand a little squeeze. She then let the floodgates break and tears streamed down her face as she let out a shaky breath.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Mack tapped her fingers rapidly on the waiting room chair as he eyes darted around. Justin was sitting next to her, holding her hand and rubbing his thumb against the back of it to calm her down. Johnny and Lou had gone off to find some coffee, JC was looking through a Sports Illustrated, Joey was trying to hit on a nurse, and Chris and Lance were sitting in wheel chairs, rolling themselves forward and backwards a bit.

“Where’s Daddy?” Mack asked in a small voice.

“He wouldn’t answer the phone,” Justin replied. “We left a few messages. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.” He looked up when he heard the glass doors of the hospital swing open. “Hey Momma,” he greeted her with a small wave. “Thanks for coming. Did I call you at a bad time?”

“No, you didn’t,” she replied, kissing his forehead before turning to Mack. “How’re you doing, sweetie?”

“I feel like my hand got run over by a truck,” she mumbled, resting her head on his shoulder. Her eyes were burning from crying the entire car ride to the hospital and the only she wanted to do was go to sleep.

“Are you Mackenzie Des…Des…?” a doctor asked, looking at a piece of paper.

“Yeah, that’s her,” Justin said, pointing. “We’re pretty sure she broke her wrist,” he added.

“I’m Doctor Hewitt,” he said as he smiled a bit. “May I see you hand?” Mack nodded and held out her arm. Dr. Hewitt took her hand, causing her to wince. “Yeah, that’s broken, but we’re going to take some x-rays anyway and then put your hand in a cast.”

“How exactly are you going to do that?” she asked slowly, eyeing him.

“All we’re going to do is take pictures of your arm and then we’re going to put your arm in a plaster cast.”

“Will it hurt?”

“No, we’re going to numb your wrist.”

“How do you usually do that?” Mack asked, slowly turning pale.

“With a needle usually.”

“What!?” She tried to jump out of her seat but Justin yanked her back down.

“She hates needles,” Justin explained as the doctor watched her struggling with a raised eyebrow.

“Ohh. Would you feel better if they came with you?” Dr. Hewitt asked, nodding towards the others. “They’ll have to wait here while you get your x-rays; the room is too small for other people. But as soon as we get you in a bigger room I’ll send someone out to get everyone else.”

Mack stayed silent but nodded. Letting out a breath she stood and followed the doctor down a few halls before entering a small room. She hopped up on the small table and kicked her feet back and forth as the doctor asked her the basic questions and got the full story about what happened. Then he pulled down a square machine and held it over her arm. “This won’t hurt; it’s just going to take pictures of your arm.” She just sat there, staring at the wall while he asked her to turn her arm over so he could get pictures from different angles. “Ok, your wrist is definitely broken. You’re going to have to wear a cast for six to eight weeks, ten tops.”

“10 weeks!?” Mack cried out in disbelief. “I can’t have this one for ten weeks. I have to dance.”

“I suggest you don’t dance for the next four weeks to be safe,” Dr. Hewitt said as he motioned for her to hop down off the table. She sighed heavily and followed him to another room. “You said that your arm gave out on you suddenly?” he brought up. “Did you do anything to your arm? Bump it? Hit it against something hard enough to cause discomfort?” Immediately Mack’s thoughts flashed back to the way Lou had grabbed her arm that morning. She forced herself not to pull a face and shook her head. Dr. Hewitt studied her face a bit. “Ok. I’m going to go get your friends and then we’ll put your arm in the plaster.”

She let out a breath that blew her bangs off her forehead. ‘No dancing for four weeks? I can’t even go a day without dancing, how the hell am I going to survive four weeks?’ She looked up and flinched when Chris rammed into her, hugging her tight. “I’m so sorry!” He cried, rocking her.

“Chris, it’s ok,” she said as she patted his arm. “Ok, you gotta let go, I’m fragile.”

“But I want you to know I’m really…really…really sorry!”

“I get it, stop apologizing,” she said as she held her hand in his face as the others came into the room.

“Whatever you want I’ll get it for you, I’ll do anything you want for the next two weeks to. I’ll even do the laundry around the house,” he continued.

“You might not want to stop him, this is getting good,” Justin said with a smile. “Can you include us in this?” he asked.

“No chance, youngin’,” Chris said with a wave of his hand.

“Ok, are you ready?” Dr. Hewitt asked as he turned around, holding the needle in between his index finger and them. JC’s face blanched as soon as his eyes rested on the needle and he darted out of the room.

“Someone go get him,” Lou said, looking in the direction that JC had run.

“Ok, this will only hurt for a few seconds.” Dr. Hewitt pressed the needle against the skin on her arm before it sunk in. Mack pulled a face as he pressed down on the top before pulling the needle out. Five minutes went by before she announced that her forearm on down was numb. He then went through the work of putting her hand in plaster and asked which color she wanted her cast. He automatically assumed she wanted pink. The disgusted look on her face caused everyone in the room to laugh. “Now, you can’t get this wet, but if by under any circumstances you need to go in the water you have to wrap it really well with saran wrap so no water and leak in. Also, it’s going to itch but you can’t scratch.”

“Great, I can’t dance and I can’t scratch,” she muttered. “Is there anything I do get to do?”

“You can get a sticker and a lollipop,” Dr. Hewitt replied.

“It’s better than nothin’.”

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

“Chris, I don’t need my pillow fluffed, ok?” Mack said in annoyance as she tried to watch TV later that night. Ever since they left the hospital he’s been at her side asking if she wanted anything and he would go do it or bring something back for her. And since they learned that her father wasn’t home (without leaving a message no less) she was waiting for him at Lynn’s place and had to deal with it even longer.

“Are you sure?” He asked, hovering behind her.

“Chris, sit down before I rip off your hands!”

He scurried and sat down on the love seat, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye every now and then. A small frown was on her face but it was so slight he barely caught it. The only way he could tell was that the corners of her mouth was turned down slightly. It was slight but it was enough for him to notice.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, tilting his head to the side a bit.

She glanced at him without turning her head. “What makes you think something is wrong?” She asked.

“You’re snappier and I’m not the only one who’s noticed it. The guys have noticed too, they’re just too much of pussies to say anything. You’ve been like this since, like, October, what’s going on?”

“Nothing,” she denied, turning up the TV. Chris pursed his lips, knowing that she was trying to drown him out. He stood, grabbed the remote out of her hand, and pressed mute. “Hey!” She cried out in protest. “I was watching that.”

“And now you’re not,” he stated evenly, sitting down on the coffee table and crossing his arms over his chest. “Mack, you have more strength in your body that an elephant has in one foot. There is no way you could’ve fallen like that. You’ve done those flips many times before. How’d you fall?” he demanded, not wanting to beat around the bush.

“My arm just gave out,” she mumbled, avoiding his gaze.

“Bullshit. You can do a walking handstand longer than anyone I know and randomly your arm gives out?” Chris scoffed. “That’s not like you at all, especially since you’re on such a strict workout regimen. You’re the only chick I know who actually gets up before six everyday just to go run and workout.” She didn’t say anything. “Did you hit your arm on something earlier? Did you hurt a muscle or something?”

She clenched her teeth. She couldn’t tell him the real answer, he wouldn’t understand at all. He would only see her in a different way and that wasn’t what she wanted. Besides, he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth, or even accept it for that matter. “I’ve just been working out too hard. It’s not your fault.”

“But I feel like it is,” he replied. “You’re like my sister and I saw one of my sisters on the ground holding their wrists. I saw them in pain and knowing that I, potentially, was the one who caused it kills me.”

“Chris, I’m not mad or anything, all right? Just drop it,” she growled through her clenched teeth.

He slowly shook his head. “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?” She snapped.

“Put up a wall,” he replied. She blinked as if to ask ‘huh?’ “You do it all the time. One minute you’re joking around with us and you’re smiling sweetly and you’re actually acting your age. And the next you’re snapping at everyone, you have a short fuse, and you have a maturity level of, well, my mom.” He paused. “What I really want to know is what’s going on? I can see in your eyes you have, like, the weight of the world on your shoulders and you’re letting it drag you down. You’re just a kid; you shouldn’t have to go through too much at this time.”

She stayed silent but something he said triggered something in her ‘cause the next thing he knew tears were falling down her face. “Uh, I didn’t mean to make you cry,” he stammered.

She waved her hand as if saying ‘don’t worry about it’. “I just…that’s all I’ve learned as I grew up,” she replied. “Keeping things to myself. I mean, I did talk to J and to Trace but when I felt they wouldn’t understand something I never said anything to them. I just kept it inside.”

“You shouldn’t bottle stuff up though,” he said softly. “It’s good talking to people every now and then. Like now, you can talk to me. Unless you say otherwise, I swear I won’t tell the guys anything you don’t want me to. It’ll just be between you and me.” He paused and listened to see if he could still hear the sound of Justin’s basketball bouncing on the pavement of the driveway where he was playing with JC. He nodded when he heard the sound. “What’s been bothering you for so long?”

Mack brought her free hand up to her chin and tapped it, contemplating on whether or not she should tell him the truth. Her heart was telling her to do it but her mind was saying otherwise. “You know how you can’t explain death to a child, especially a young one?” She started hesitantly. Chris nodded. “I was four when it happened. I’ve always wanted a sibling, I’ve always hated being an only child ‘cause I had no one to play with when I was sick at home or on vacation or something. My mom was pregnant and I was so happy. I kept going around telling anyone I met that I was going to have a little brother.” A sad smiled formed on her face. “Then came the day that my baby brother was supposed to be born. I was more excited than my parents were, on the due date I woke up my parents saying we had to go to the hospital as soon as possible to get my brother.”

She stopped and let out a shaky breath. “We went to the hospital and my grandparents were watching me in the waiting room so I wouldn’t get into trouble. But I was obedient. Impatient maybe, but obedient. Then my dad finally got me and told me I had a little brother, Aaron was his name. Aaron Michael. I got to pick out his name. Aaron has always been my favorite name.” She chuckled a bit. “I named every stuffed animal I got Aaron; actually, I loved the name so much. Anyway, I went in and hugged my mom and saw my baby brother in her arms. I climbed in bed next to her and asked if I could hold him. As soon as I held him he opened his eyes. He had the biggest beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. They’re the exact same shade of mine and I remember looking up at my mom and dad and saying ‘yep, he’s my brother’.” She stopped and slowly shook her head.

“What happened?” He urged.

“I had to go back home with my grandparents while Momma and Dad stayed in the hospital. Later Grammaw told me that something was wrong with my brother and they were going to keep him overnight. It was late and I wanted to stay up all night for when they brought him home but they made me go to sleep. I woke up the next morning and went into the kitchen where Grammaw and Pop-Pop were. Pop-Pop kissed my hand and rubbed the back of it like he always did when he had to say something important. Grammaw pulled me onto her lap and told me that Aaron had gone to Heaven. At the time I didn’t know what death was and I didn’t get a firm grasp on what Heaven was either but I knew enough that I actually asked ‘can I go with him?’.” Mack wiped a stray tear that fell from her eye. “I kept asking myself if I was the reason he’s dead. I was the last to hold him from what Momma told me. As soon as I had to leave and I gave Aaron back to the nurse something went wrong. He couldn’t breathe or something. All I know was that he was dead the day after.”

“Have…have you talked to anyone about this?” Chris asked slowly.

“No one,” she replied.

“Not even your parents?”

She shook her head. “They took away my thoughts about him. I started to worry about them. I mean, my parents were always lovey-dovey, so much it made me sick. But at the same time they were so lovey-dovey that it made me think they were that way to hide something. I mean, they’re so much in love that it seemed unnatural. I haven’t seen anyone else’s parents as in ‘love’ as my parents are. They’re on a different degree. Like, they’re trying to convince me or something. I’ve been suspicious about this for a while. They never argued, they never raised their voice at one another, and if they ever got annoyed it seemed more like it was playful. Then something about my parents started to change, about the time MMC had ended was when I first noticed it. Momma took more and more trips for her job and Dad spent more time at the shop. I just thought it was because they were trying to make more money to help send me to college, I didn’t think it had anything to do with each other.”

“What do you mean?” Chris asked, even though he had a pretty good idea what was going to come out of her mouth.

“They worked so much to stay away from each other,” Mack replied dully. “I was blind to it ‘cause I was so used to their façade. It was when Momma didn’t come see me at the airport that it all started to make sense to me. I thought Momma didn’t want to see me, like she blamed me for Aaron’s death or something, but it was me and Dad she didn’t want to deal with. Back in October I overheard a phone conversation between them and they were yelling at each other and accusing each other of stuff. And then Momma said something that’s been on my mind since then. Dad wanted to know what happened to our friendship and then Momma said that she ‘hated living a lie’,” She made finger quotes as a scowl crossed her features. “Then she said that she was doing Dad and I a favor by just getting up and moving out and going back home to Memphis to be with her freaking business partner.” She suddenly slapped her hand against the couch causing Chris to jump a little. “What kind of a mother does that?” She demanded, tears coming out of her eyes like waterfalls. “What kind of mother lets her kid think she killed her brother and then just throw her away like that? What kind, Chris?”

Chris knelt by her and gently wiped the tears off of her face. “The scared kind,” he replied. “Mackie, my dad left my mom when I was only six months old and I turned out fine. I understand that I didn’t have to go through the same amount of pain because I didn’t understand at the time, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not still mad about what happened, but I didn’t let it stop me from doing what I wanted to do and you shouldn’t either. If your parents split, they split; you can’t do anything about it. Stop trying to control it and just let life happen, ok? You don’t need to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders, you do too much anyway.” He pulled her into a hug, being careful not to hit her hurt wrist. “You’re just a kid; you don’t need to go through this shit. Let us worry about that, ok? We won’t be your fences, but we’ll be your buffers, ok?”

“Ok.” She nodded. “Don’t tell them what I told you, at least not yet. I’m not ready.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. We’re around to listen whenever you want to talk.” He patted her knee. “You want some desert? I know where Lynn hid the candy.”

“Ah, now that’s the Chris I need,” she said, finally breaking a smile. He grinned and went off into the kitchen and the smile dropped from her face. ‘I didn’t lie, that has been on my mind for a while.’ She sighed and ran her hand across her face, rubbing her tired eyes. ‘God, what did I do to deserve this hell?’