My knees buckled to the cold white tile of the hospital floor. How can these words be true? How can the love of my life be no more? The blaring white lights of a hospital became dim; the room was closing in on me, I could only hear the sound of my own heartbeat beating so hard I thought it was going to burst out of my chest. My body began to shake as my mother places her hands on my back, the only kind of comfort my mother knew how to give. I tore through her arms, climbing back to my feet and running down the hallway, I had to see him. This couldn't be true.

I broke free from every nurse, doctor, man, or woman standing in my way. I rounded the corner of his room to see a white sheet. I could see he was in the bed, but he was covered up. "Why do you have his face covered up?" I franticly screamed. "He doesn't like to be covered up like that."

"Ma'am... please..." the doctor grabbed my wrist. "He's gone."

I ripped my hand out of his, rushing over to the side of the bed. "He can't be... he just can't be..." His fingers rested just outside of the sheet. I placed my hand on his, they weren't so warm anymore. The coolness of his hands sent a shockwave through my system. I intertwined my fingers with his, my hands shaking uncontrollably. "Justin..." I screamed. My throat started to quiver with every word I could manage to get out. "Please don't leave me here alone... please.... Please don't leave me in this world without you..." I dropped my head to his body, my head rested on his stomach. I couldn't bear to lift the sheet and see his face. Every part of his body seemed to be losing body temperature as the moments passed. "I need you."

"Ma'am" the doctor touched my shoulder "We have to take him away now."

I shook him away, "He can't be gone.... He just can't be."

He grabbed my shoulders, gripping them tightly as the bed rolled out the door and away from me.

"Noooo..." I screamed hitting the floor, pounding my fist off the floor. "Why? Why not me, why does it have to be him?"

                A blur surrounded my world. Nothing was the same anymore. A split second changed my life forever. I had just talked to him on the phone; I had just heard his voice. He was full of life; he was excited about our trip coming up. How could someone just simply be gone from this world the next minute?

"I'm here Ashlee, I'm here." I heard the sound of my brother's voice, but I couldn't see him. I couldn't find the energy to pick my head up enough to see if he was really here. He curled up next to me on the floor where I had spent the last countless hours.

I couldn't smell his scent on the pillow knowing I was never going to smell him again. I couldn't lie in the bed where we had just made love this morning. I couldn't be in that bed, where I would never share with him again. Just the idea of being in this apartment that we shared together, knowing he would never walk through that door again was heart wrenching enough. I would never get to run my hand threw his curls again. I would never get to see those blue eyes again. "I will be here as long as you need me... Ash I'm here..." he pulls my hair out of my face, wrapping it around my neck.

I felt as if I was in a constant daze. The world around me didn't exist anymore. I was moving in slow motion with everything around me moving a hundred miles per hour. If I stayed in that one position, maybe I would wake up from whatever nightmare I was in. After a forceful push from Chris, I did manage to get off that floor. He wouldn't let me drown in my own sorrows, as much as I wanted to, he wouldn't allow it.

                The dining room table at my mother's house that we had sat at dinner hundreds of times was just another memory of the love I had lost. I run my hand over the wood grain of the seat he always sat in, that was now empty.

My parents, his parents, my brother, his wife had all gathered with the funeral director to make decisions about my husband's final plans.

I couldn't take my eyes off of that empty chair. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to remain empty or if I wanted someone to sit in it. That was his seat. That has always been his seat.

 "Is this what it feels like?" I asked as everyone at the table turned to look at me. "Is this what it feels like to really cry?" my voice broke, "Is this what it feels like to be empty inside? Can I open my eyes now; can this all be over yet?" I dropped my head into hands, sobbing uncontrollably. I felt the petite hands of Lynn wrapping around my back. I felt selfish, I had lost him, but she had lost him as well. She had lost her only child. She had also lost the love of her life. I turned to look at her, "I can't do this."

"I know honey, I know." Her eyes were red and the tears were flowing over her eyelids.

                I stood from the table, looking at everyone watching me. They were just as scared. They didn't know what I would do. They didn't know what to do. Everyone seemed to be at a loss of what to say or do. "I won't do this." I said as I left that house in a run. I wasn't going to bury my husband. I wasn't going to do this. Any of it. Everything about my mother's house reminded me of him. Every path, every trail, every piece of life, was him. I ran to the very place I met him. The place I spent every waking moment with him. The place I fell in love with him. The place he proposed. The place I married him. I hit the ground when I reached that very rock.

                I swear I could still see him strumming that acoustic guitar on that rock. I could still hear his humming to perfection. I could still feel him here. I closed my eyes, trying to go back to the moments we had here.

I wanted to wake up from whatever nightmare I was having.

I wanted to wake up and never sleep again.

 I wanted him to be here to tell me everything's going to be okay.

 I need him to tell me, he is okay and this was all by mistake.

The hours seem to dissipate.

"Ashlee honey, we have to go ..." My brother took my hand, as I stepped out of the car. Dark clouds surround the sky; the wind has a slight chill. I stopped in my tracks when I see what was at the end of the path.  I couldn't believe that he was actually in there. I step in front of him, black dress and tears in my eyes. I kneel down, "I went to the lake this morning, to find some answers..." My voice broke and the tears rolled out of my eyes, crashing to the ground. "I could have sworn I saw you there." I dropped my head down to lean against the cold steel.

The clouds opened and the rain starts to pour, I look up at the dark clouds surrounding me. "We always wanted to leave this town, make our dreams come true... I never thought I would be standing over your grave, staring at your casket, praying to God my legs don't buckle beneath me." As I begin to lose my balance, Chris helps me to a chair.

I couldn't take my eyes off of that black steel that held my life in it.

When I finally stood in front of all the faces staring back at me, all of which I knew, but couldn't remember a single one of them. "Justin was the definition of love for me. He has held my heart for as long as I can remember. Everything I have ever wanted out of life involved him. Every up and every down a person can have in their life, I wanted with him. I'm proud to be his wife. I'm proud to carry his last name. I would have been proud to be the mother of his children one day. My heart will never be the same, the light in my life, is gone... All the promises we made, One by one they vanish just the same...."

**

The day I said goodbye was the day I said goodbye to my life as well. Nothing mattered anymore. My dreams meant nothing without him by my side. Graduation day came and gone without the mention of a celebration. There was nothing to celebrate. It seems like it only been a moment since the angels took him from my arms. I was left here holding onto our tomorrow, that I never got to have. The pain and emptiness consumed my life. With each day that passes, I know that its one day closer to seeing him again. That's all I wanted out of my life, I just wanted to see him again.

The executives from Jive left me several messages, but I didn't have the courage to tell them the truth. I just ignored their phone calls. I didn't want to hear what they had to say, I didn't want to say the words out loud. Saying it out loud made it as real as the echo of my cries in this apartment.

I gave up Jive.

I gave up my dreams.

I gave up everything.

"I need you to open your eyes..." I heard his voice say. A voice I hadn't heard in a while. A voice I didn't think I would ever hear again. "I need you to breathe again." I lay in that bed awake yet again, knowing I had officially gone off the deep end. I was hearing his voice. "Ashlee my love, I need you to open up your eyes. I need you to see the world without the sorrow in your eyes. Ashlee my love, I need you to find the peace you never thought you would find, it's closer than you ever thought. There are no more tears to cry. Ashlee I need you to chase your dream. I love you. I'm always with you... My love, welcome to the first day of your life."

                I gasped, flinging my head up off the bed. There was no one around. It was just a dream. I held my eyes tightly closed for the longest time, hoping that if I kept them closed, his voice would come back to me. But there was it was, it had returned. Silence. I could hear the traffic on the street, the neighbors banging on the wall, the whining of the refrigerator but I could no longer hear his voice. The silence of my life had returned.

How and why I don't know but his words made me get out of bed. For the first time I felt like I could breathe again. His words gave me life again; a life I was unsure I could live without in him but it was more than I had the last couple months. I cleaned every inch of that apartment. Scrubbing it clean of everything I had known. I must have poured too much cleaning solution into the bucket and inhaled too much because I had the sudden urge that I was going to throw up. Maybe it was a mix of all the feelings and emotions with the chemicals in the air but I barely made it to the bathroom before I got sick.

Like every day before Chris came over to make sure I had lunch and dinner. When he walked in the apartment on this day, he was surprised to see me in the kitchen and not in bed. My face was still flushed and I still didn't feel very well but I had found some crackers in the cabinet that settle my stomach some.

"Ashlee?" he questioned with a worried look on his face.

I turned to see him in the doorway, white plastic take out bags in his hands. "Hi Chris."

"Is everything okay?" he asked placing the bags on the counter in the kitchen.

"My stomach is queasy this morning but...  I think for the first time I can breathe again."

 His eyes fill up with water and boil over the lid. He covers his face with his hand, hunching over. "I didn't think I would ever get you back."

I reached my hand over and placed it in his. "Thank you. For everything you have done for me. If I haven't said it enough, I'm sorry. I love you."

He gripped my hand tighter, "Thank you for coming back to me."

 "Justin is so mad at me..." I shook my head, staring at the floor. "I gave up on everything, I died along with him."

"He could never be mad at you. Disappointed maybe, be he could never be mad at you."

"I need to put my life back together. I know it's not going to happen overnight and I know that I will be dealing with his death for the rest of my life, but I need to succeed, I need to make my dreams come true..."