Of all the things I remember, summers never look the same. The years had gone by and the time just seemed to fly but the memories remain. I had nothing left to lose, but everything to gain. Leaving that town and moving to Los Angeles was the easiest and the hardest choice I had to make. Leaving Tennessee behind with the memories of Justin was the easy part. Living in California with no memories to make here was the hard part. Seeing the possibilities and the things we would have done in California is the hard part. We had done so many things, we had gone many places, and we had memories there that I could hold on to. There was no ‘we' here. There was no Justin to share with the world. The hardest thing is knowing this was our dream, this was something we wanted and here I was living it, without him. Every day was filled with music and he wasn't here to share it with. It took some time to find that love and that joy in music I had again. Every time I heard a song, I would only hear the guitar playing and it would immediately put an image in my head of him, on that rock, strumming his guitar.

 I think about him every day, more than it's probably healthy to. The photos are still in the frames the way they were two years ago when I lost him. They were in a different house, in a different state, on a different table now but they will always remain in my sight. There were new photos of new memories to share with the ones of the past. Our wedding photos were on display every day, I wanted to see his face, I wanted to always remember his smile, even with the pain it caused me.

 He was my husband. He was the love of my life. He was the part of me that I never going to be whole without. I have managed to get up every morning and live life, just in a different way. I also managed to find some light back in my life, a light that I never expected, a light that was unplanned.

I successfully persuaded Jive for a second chance. They believed in me and gave me that chance to prove to them I was good for them, even with the slight predicament I had found myself in.

At first the idea of L.A. and Jive were outstanding but the reality of being so far away from the only people I had left in the world was very hard. I knew that it was something I had to do, but it didn't take away from the scared ‘I wanna go home' feeling but as each day passed that feeling diminished slowly. I learned my own strength. I learned how much I can handle and still be standing strong.

Being in this apartment, in this town without him still serves its daily challenges but I wasn't alone anymore, which served an entirely different reason why he should be here with me.

A simple task like going through the mail, wasn't always such an easy thing. Breaking down at seeing his name in black and white in my hands was something that happened more than once. You never know what could be in that pile, and you never know what it could say. Standing in this kitchen on this day I come across a crisp white envelope addressed to me in her perfect script handwriting. Something I have gotten very familiar with over the last couple years. Justin's mother was more my mother that I could ever have wished for. I talked to her more than I talk to my own mother. Sadly she was the mother I chose, and not my birth mother.

For some reason my mother believed that I was holding on to Justin as if he was still alive. She thought I should be over him by now and I should be out in the dating world, finding a new suitable husband. That was the farthest thing from what I wanted or needed right now. I guess she will never understand the level of love and respect that I had for Justin, or myself for that matter. There are times that I want to curl up in someone arms and take a nap but those arms weren't an option anymore. I would hope that one day I could move on, but that day wasn't today or in the near future. When that day came, it would.

 I sliced open the envelope, unfolding it, feeling the slight indentation of her perfect imprint of her handwriting on her beautiful stationary. Reading her words made me miss a part of home again. She always wrote with passion, explaining every detail, but closer to the end of the words I noticed a change. She kept speaking of the end, speaking about things, as if she would never see those things or those places again.

"This will be the last letter." My heart sank and I began to panic. Was she trying to tell me something? I swallowed hard, pulling the paper back up as I continued to read. "And by the time you get this, we will be on my way to California, moving van in tow. I need to have you both close to me." Tears began to stream down my face. First my brother and his wife moved here and now I was going to have Lynn. Maybe home is right here. Maybe this is what love and support is all about. Maybe this is exactly what was supposed to happen. Maybe we ended up right where fate had wanted us all along.

"Mama" his sweet angelic voice says, tugging on my shirt. A smile waved across my face. That light I was speaking of, he was looking back at me. His wild curls bouncing around as he jumps up and down, trying to get me to pick him up. His demeanor, his grace, his poise, his walk, his talk, his entire being was Justin.  I bend down to his level, picking him up, staring into his oceanic blue yes, "You remind me more of your father every day."

"Dada!" his face lights up and he points to the photo on the stand.

"Yes, Dada!" I brushed his curls down with my fingers. His eyes were as blue as I remember Justin's being. "Guess who is coming to see you?" His face lights up and the smile on his face widens, revealing his tiny little teeth. "Gamma Lynn is coming to see you..."

"Gamma?" he questioned with his shocked face.

"I bet you're excited to see her!" I glide my fingers over the bridge of his nose and down over his cheekbones, down his jaw line over the freckles that I knew so well on his father's face. He was the mini version of Justin. He looked nothing like me, acted nothing like me, and spoke nothing like me.

He took his tiny little arms, wrapping them as far as he could around me, laying his head on my heart. "I wuve you, mama." Like his father, he knew exactly what to say to melt my heart.

Reflecting now on how things could've been, it was worth it in the end.