So things have been going pretty well.

I mean they’ve been going as well as they could be given that Justin and I have been taking things slow for a little over a month. I’ll admit it’s a little weird not doing the whole crazy relationship Justin and I once had, but I feel as if I’m getting to know the little things about him that I used to have a hold on back when I was working for him.

He’s been a real good sport about the whole thing and hasn’t tried to rush me into anything. In the month that we’ve been back together we’ve only slept with each other once and I think that’s pretty damn good. Believe me, after the deed was done, it was pretty damn hard to not say, ‘okay let’s bring up the speed.’ I feel like I’m in a prolonged form of Lent but let’s face it; I am definitely not giving up sex and all the benefits of being with Justin for Jesus.

We’re rebuilding, we’re reconstructing all the ties that were severed when Maura came into the picture. Honestly, I never thought I’d see the day where Justin and I were able to put aside all the differences that have come between us and finally reconcile. I’m not going to lie of course, there was that tiny little bit of me that hoped and prayed every night that the position I’m in now would come, and now it’s doing the victory lap in my stomach every single time I answer his phone calls or whenever I kiss him.

Which is a lot less often than usual let me tell you.

The dates have become more frequent; the fights have subsided – now we’ve resorted to having petty little arguments about movies or exceedingly random things like that. Nothing life altering, and every single disagreement ends with laughter. We don’t go to bed angry – well I can count the amount of times we’ve fallen asleep together on one hand, but when I put my head down on my own pillow at Elliot’s place, by myself, I’m not angry at him. And he isn’t angry with me; it’s a beautiful compromise.

And when I look back on it that’s the big thing we were missing was compromise.

“Lo ho, Lo ho, Lo ho, Lo ho, Lo ho!” his voice chants incessantly as he bounces on the couch next to me. I want to pick up the remote and smack him upside the head because he is seriously messing up my Flavor of Love 2 marathon.

There are some things that don’t change – my obsession with shitty reality television for one.

“Lo ho, Lo ho, Lo ho!” I swear to God if he doesn’t stop I will kill him. “Lo ho, Lo ho, Lo ho…”

“What the fuck is it Trace?” He grins widely happy that he was finally able to get on my nerves enough to make me take notice of him. “I hope you have a really good reason for being such a pain in the ass right now.”

“Do I ever need a reason?”

“I guess not,” I reply slowly, “Do you still need to talk to me or can I go back to watching my television show without hearing shit from you?” I really, really, really want to find out what happens with Flava Flav and if he really finds love or just another booty call.

“Yeah, uh, what are you doing tonight?” Trace asks me quietly and the sudden change in his demeanor makes me completely give up on watching my show.

I guess it’d be good to say that Trace has been acting really weird lately. The little troll has been secretive and running around and he’s hardly had any time to spend with Justin and I. Well, I have more time than Justin does because that stupid bastard wants to add on more shows. I just want Justin to stay here so I can have him all to myself. Is that too much to ask for?

But back to Trace…he’s been distant and every time Justin has tried to talk to him about it, he’s always evading the topic of what’s making him act like a complete retard. The fact that he’s asking me what I’m doing tonight is a big deal since it’s usually Justin and I trying to coax Trace to come out with us.

“I was going to do dinner and a movie with Justin, but this seems like it’s important,” I offer. I try not to take notice that the girls on the television screen are swearing up a storm and throwing shit at one another – all for a little man with a huge clock dangling around his neck.

What is the world coming to?

“It’d really mean a lot to me, Lo,” Trace adds and any doubts I’ve had about going out with him and blowing Justin off have been thrown out the window. It really seems like there’s something terrible going on in Trace’s life right now and the fact that he’s coming to me first, me and not Justin is a big freaking deal. “And hey, we have some catching up to do, it’s been a while since it’s just been the two of us. And don’t tell Justin, I don’t want him to get all butt hurt that I’m doing one on one time with you and not him.”

He has a point. Justin would get a case of the ass. He fails to recognize that Trace and I are friends, too.

The two of us make plans to meet in Santa Monica for seven o’clock, now I have the daunting task of canceling on Justin. He isn’t going to like this at all. He’s wanted to see this latest Tarantino flick with me for the past like month and now I’m canceling on him. Great.

I dial his number and press the phone to my ear as I say a goodbye to Trace so he can go home and get ready. Justin picks up on the third ring and while I shouldn’t be surprised, I can’t help but smile. This new Justin has only missed three of my calls…better than the old one who would constantly send me straight to voice mail or even worse, have his PA answer the phone.

“Hey Lauren!” he says brightly and I can just feel the smile on his face as he’s speaking. I want nothing more than to be with him right now – the feeling is so strong I feel like I’m about to go crazy if I don’t see him soon. Granted if I wasn’t going out with Trace, I’d be able to spend time with Justin, but Trace needs me and I’m not about to cancel on a good friend. “How’s your day been going?”

“Well enough, how are you?”

“You know, just talking with the production team for the second US leg of the tour. Really boring bullshit but it has to be done,” he explains and I really feel for the guy. If the thought of putting things together and making sure objective things get done bored me to tears, I would be in his shoes, too bad I would gladly trade places with him in an instant. “I can’t wait to see you tonight though.”

“Yeah, look about that,” I start slowly and I can feel the guilt begin to settle in the pit of my stomach.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” he questions.

“No, no I’m fine. Just, an old friend got into town and I haven’t seen her in a while, she’ll only be in town tonight and yeah…”

“Oh that’s cool,” Justin says and I can feel the trace of disappointment in his words. It obviously isn’t cool, “we can take a rain check. I’m busy tomorrow night with a rehearsal, but maybe Saturday?”

“Saturday works for me,” I say trying to ignore the guilt. The lucky thing about the party seasons at the Hilton is no one really has anything planned for the end of July beginning of August. Thank God.

“I’ll call you if I have an open spot. Maybe we can still get together after you have dinner with your friend?”

“I’ll let you know,” I state with a grim smile. God I feel like shit, why do I feel like shit?

“Great. Maybe I’ll call Trace and see what he’s doing. I hope your dinner goes well, I love you.”

“Love you, too,” the guilt is tearing me up inside. I want to blurt out that I’m going out with Trace, but I know that would open up a bunch of questions that I shouldn’t be answering. Part of my going out with one of my best friends tonight is to talk him into telling Justin what the hell is going on.

I throw my phone down on the bed and look around my room before sighing heavily. I really hope whatever Trace has to tell me is important. Something has to be worth all this guilt. 

*~*~*~*~*~*

Trace decided on a random dive restaurant in Santa Monica for us to eat in. It’s not the best known place and it’s heralded for its privacy and hamburgers so I’m not too dressed up for the occasion. Pulling up in Beverly Lexus, I check to make sure Trace’s car is there before I get out. I have a ridiculous pet peeve of being the one waiting for someone to show up. I guess it’s because I figure I’m on time and if someone shows up late, I’m not to pleased with them.

Thankfully, though, Trace is there and I get out of my car to enter the restaurant. It’s a small eatery and there aren’t many people inside which adds to the thought that it might not be a good place to eat. But I’ve been here before and the food is to die for.

Trace is sitting at a round table in the back and he’s looking pretty anxious. I have no idea what the hell has been eating at him and it’s really starting to worry me. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him nervous or freaked out, aside from his William Rast fashion show for LA Fashion Week of course. I thought he was going to pass out from sheer stage fright.

“Hey troll,” I say with a smile as I sit down across from him. He smiles back and I pick up a menu. I don’t want to jump on him right now and give him the fifth degree, I want him to bring it up.

And it isn’t until we’ve already ordered our entrees and have been discussing whether Batman is better than Superman that I realize I’m the one who has to bring it up or we’ll never really get to the reason why we’re here.

“So Trace…”

“Yes Lauren?” he asks good naturedly. I have to hand it to him, he’s trying to turn his anxiousness into goofiness and it’s working wonders. Too bad I spent an entire five months in his company and am now able to read him like a book.

“There has to be a reason why you brought me here. I mean, you’ve been secretive and dodging Justin and I ever since he got home from London. What’s the deal?”

“The deal?” his voice rises several pitches and he nervously picks up a piece of bread and jams it into his mouth. I wait patiently for him to gulp the rest of it down and he looks at me hoping I’ll change the subject. I’m not going to budge, “well the thing is…”

He’s about to take another bite of bread when he looks up towards the door and the color drains from his face. I’m about to turn around to see what’s gotten Trace’s panties in a wad when suddenly a chair comes out of nowhere and slams down next to me.

“So!” a voice booms and I can hear the unmistakable sound of betrayal in the voice. I look up and see Justin sitting at our table, his face red and jaw set in anger. “So!”

“So what? Justin, what are you doing here?” I ask him, “Trace did you call and invite him?” but judging from the shocked and rather embarrassed look on Trace’s face he didn’t call Justin nor did he even have second thoughts about putting Justin in on this little dinner.

“No, he didn’t” Justin seethes, “Because who would think to invite me to this little pow-wow for two? How could you do this to me Trace? How could you go behind my back?”

What the hell is he talking about? Trace is looking from him back to me in surprise and complete bewilderment. I don’t think I’m the only person who doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

“Justin, what are you –” I begin but he cuts me off with a slam of his fists on the table.

“Oh you know what I’m talking about! Trace you’ve been sneaking around and being deceptive for weeks now! You’ve been running around and haven’t told me what’s going on. I feel like I’m living with a different person now! But I see now that every time you’ve been creeping around it’s been to her hasn’t it? Hasn’t it?"

“Of course not you big dumb ass!” Trace whispers fervently, “How could I be running to her every time I give you an excuse when you’ve been hanging out with her half the time?” Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I am so freaking confused right now.

“I know you find ways around it! You’re probably waiting in the bathroom or something waiting for her to come to you!” Justin fumes. Trace gives him a skeptical look before he starts to laugh sardonically in his best friend’s direction.

“Lauren, please tell your fucking crackhead of a boyfriend that we are not seeing each other behind his back,” Trace says between his laughter. I raise my eyebrows in surprise and steal a look at Justin who is trying his best to keep his temper under control.

“You think I’m dating Trace?” I ask him. I get my answer when I see Justin lean back in his chair and cross his arms over his chest. “Oh my God…” I say softly before I’m leaning back in my chair as well, only I’m laughing my head off.

“Are you laughing because it’s true?” Justin simmers.

“No!” I laugh loudly, “Oh shit,” I’m laughing uncontrollably now and it takes me a few good minutes to get under control before I can respond, “Justin, the day I start dating Trace is the day I go out to lunch with Maura for a catch up chat.”

“So you two aren’t…” Justin begins and I cut him off with another sharp laugh.

“God no. I’m sorry but I’m not attracted to Trace like that in the least bit. Can you honestly see me dating someone I call Troll on a regular basis?”

“You call me Timberfuck…” Justin mutters under his breath, “And a slew of other names I let slide…”

“Because you think its cute when I say them,” I counterpoint and he shrugs in defeat, “How did you find us?”

“I had Eric trail Trace and he called me. I’ve had enough of his super secret espionage bullshit. I want answers man; I’m your best friend. Sperm to worm! Womb to tomb!”

And the testosterone level at this table just jumped the fucking gun. Thank you Justin.

“You had me trailed? What is this fucking Cheaters?” Trace interjects and I can tell that he’s pretty pissed off now, “Why didn’t you just come and talk to me about this?”

“Would you have denied it? I mean if I came to you with this question would you throw it off like Lauren did?”

“If you asked me if I was dating Lauren of course I’d deny it because that isn’t who I’m dating!” Trace adds and the hint of a blush rises in his cheeks.

“Wait, you’re dating someone?” I interrupt with a huge beaming smile on my face, “Who?”

Justin looks over at his friend in surprise and leans forward to get a better look at the now blushing young man. “You finally getting some?”

“See this isn’t why I was going to tell you off the bat!” Trace spews out, “Because you’d sit there and make fun of me for it.”

“Well karma’s a bitch. Remember when I told you that I had feelings for Lauren and you laughed for a good two hours before we could seriously discuss it?” Should I really be here for this talk? I mean seriously this seems like some honest to goodness boy talk and yet here I am, right in the middle of it.

“You laughed?” I question Trace and he shrugs.

“Of course I did! He had been going on and on about how much he couldn’t stand you and then he comes back from your hometown totally smitten! Of course I was going to laugh because that was fucking hilarious! This is totally different!”

I really could care less on the beginnings of Justin’s feelings for me. I want to know who the hell Trace is going out with! But of course he’s going to try to beat around the bush a little while longer and I’m ready to drag it out of this little sucker.

“Come on Trace who is it? Ignore Justin right now, he’s being a dick head.”

“Hey!” Justin responds indignantly.

“Well you are,” I interject, “You having your best friend tailed, if you were so insecure about it why didn’t you talk to me or him about it? I would have been honest with you. Communication is a key in a relationship and since you seem to have lost that you can shut the fuck up and let Trace talk and not give any idiotic commentary.”

“Oh you got so owned there man,” Trace says with a chuckle. Justin throws me a dirty look before he leans back in his chair again and looks from Trace to myself with a pout.

“So who is this mystery lady?” I question and Trace looks down at his plate before he looks back up at me with a small smile playing on his lips.

“Her name is Joanna,” and just like that his eyes spark and he starts to talk animatedly about the new girl he’s been seeing since he’s returned from London with me in tow. I sneak glances at Justin every now and again while Trace proceeds to talk our ears off about his current lady. His eyes are glowing with pride and I can see just a bit of disappointment tugging at the corners of his mouth. I really hope that disappointment is in himself and not in Trace or me.

“I can’t wait for you to meet her.” Trace adds with a huge grin.

“I can’t wait to meet her either,” Justin claims, “And I’m sorry to both of you for jumping to conclusions. That was pretty shitty of me to do and yeah…but I’m glad this is all out in the open.”

“Apology accepted, man. We should all do a double date sometime.”

“Well you have it bad,” Justin says with a small laugh, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you mention double dates since high school. Are we going to the malt shop for some milkshakes?”

“Justin I swear to God,” I mutter as I put my head in my hands.

“See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you first. Lauren and I are past that point in our relationship! She doesn’t have to give me shit for important things that happen in my life!”

“Aw come on man,” Justin states good naturedly as he smacks Trace on the shoulder, “I’m your best friend! If you can’t tell me and expect me to not give you shit for it, then we obviously haven’t been friends for very long.”

“Besides,” I add with a small laugh, “We can go to the sock hop after milkshakes and then go to Lover’s Lookout in our jalopy”

Justin shoots me a winning grin as he reaches out and grabs my hand. Trace shakes his head and takes a dejected sip of his water.

“I fucking hate both of you. I should have called Elliot and brought him here for this. He’d be a lot more understanding than the two of you.”

“Oh big deal, Trace,” I state with another giggle, “You know you love us.”

“Only the Big J knows why…”

“I know why!” Justin states with a grin, “Because we’re fucking cool.”

“I didn’t mean you Big J, I meant Jesus, Big J. Please don’t tell me you think you’re the second coming of the Messiah now. I can handle you getting the super model poon, all of the freebies, but I would at least think God would make me the Messiah before you. I mean, you can’t have everything,” Trace mutters as the waitress finally brings our food. Justin quickly places an order of hamburger and fries before he picks up my hand and kisses it gently.

“I have everything I could ever want right now.”

And just from the look in his eyes and the way he’s focused on me and only me makes me realize that he’s still serious and still in love with me and is willing to wait for all of those wonderful things that I keep shying away from because I don’t want to move too fast.

But judging from the millions of butterflies and acrobats flittering around in my stomach I’m ready to strap on a rocket and take it to where we once were. Because its taken this slow ride back into our relationship to realize that at the end of all things, I couldn’t function or manage things without him. As sad and sappy as that may seem, I’m ready to open the door and take the next step.

God help me if I fall again.