23. Appreciate the Lady 

My life sucks without a personal assistant.

The fact that I don’t have anyone around to tell me what my schedule will be, or where I need to be at what time is slowly driving me bat shit crazy and I don’t know if I can deal with it another second. The pressure to get the second leg of the North American tour up is mounting and at the end of the day all I can think about is whether or not I’m going to be able to deal with the stress. And it’s not like this is going to be a bad leg…I’m only going to be out on the road for  two months, it isn’t going to be that horrendous.

Then again, I have management and the label getting on my ass about doing a Pacific tour for all of November that would take me away for even longer. And I don’t know if I can physically and emotionally meet their expectations.

I’m not going to lie, things have been going well for me and I definitely don’t want all the good things to come to an abrupt halt. I’ve been having the time of my life just relaxing and not really taking into consideration the fact that millions of people want to see me perform. I’ve been doing this for almost a year people, isn’t it time for me to take a fucking break?

Apparently not. Apparently I need to go out and tour for four more months and be away from all my family and friends. And it’s not like I can cancel all of the dates…tickets have been purchased, venues have been booked, if I back out now I’d lose millions of dollars and piss off a lot of people.

And yet, it all makes sense when I look at her.

I know in the past I’ve always said that my career comes first and I’ll do anything to further my professional career, but honestly if I could walk away from it all without breaking the hearts of millions…because let’s face it, I am the hottest shit on the market right now, I would do it. In a heartbeat.

But I know that if I even told Lauren that I was even thinking about blowing off my responsibilities she’d kick me in the ass. Repeatedly. And while I’m all for that kind of S&M thing, I know that she would also give me the silent treatment and admit me to a mental institution.

I guess the big thing I’m worried about is the thought that I’ll be leaving Lauren again for a few months and with what happened last time, well can you blame me for being a bit anxious? But this time I won’t have some psychotic personal assistant who is dead set in sabotaging my personal life and hopefully Lauren will be able to take some time off from work to come and visit me.

But I can’t help but be worried that once I leave, everything will get all screwed up again and we’ll have to go back to square one. That’s something that’s been plaguing my thoughts lately and I’m going to blame that and not the stress of getting the tour up and running again for my lack of sleep and insane anxiety.

At least Trace is doing well for himself. He’s spending all his time with Joanna and I don’t feel as bad when I go out with Lauren or tell him all the things that makes her amazing. He can dish it right back at me with his new girlfriend and it makes me realize how exceedingly whipped the both of us are.

“Are you paying attention?” Lauren interjects my thoughts and I’m completely yanked out of my head and into the moment. We’re sitting on the floor around my coffee table looking at the surface with scrutinizing gazes. “It’s your turn to spin."

Shaking my head, I give more focus to the enormous game board and reach forward to spin the wheel. I grin enormously as I try to move my car forward ten spaces. I can’t however, because the board is screaming at me to stop next to the church. I think this is the first time I’ve been to church since Joey got married all those years ago… such is the Game of Life.

“Get married!” Lauren laughs as she throws a small pink peg in my direction. I stick it into the top of my blue car and she leans against the coffee table, toying with her car at the edge of the board, “So who’s your wife?”

“What?” I interject and I can feel my hands starting to sweat instantly.

“Who did you marry? My friends and I would always give our husbands in the game names…who did you marry?” she repeats and I want to tell her that my little pink peg would more than likely be her, but that’s a can of worms I don’t want to open up with her right now. I don’t know if I could trust myself to speak.

“Well, who did you marry?” I ask indicating to the light blue peg man in the passenger seat of her car.

“Oh duh, that’s easy,” she states with a huge grin and I feel my stomach begin to flip flop. I swear to Jesus if she says me I’ll probably throw her in my real car and take her off to Vegas to seal the deal right now. “You know there’s only one guy for me.”

“Yeah?” I say my voice low, “Well I chose…”

“I mean Patrick Dempsey is just so handsome.”

“yo…Halle Berry!” I stumble through my words and hope that she didn’t pick up the hint that I wanted her to be my pink pegged wife.

“You always pick Halle!” she groans.

“Yes, well you have an unhealthy obsession with McDreamy,” I shoot back with a small laugh. “Now can I please roll again and get to my payday? Being a hairdresser isn’t exactly rolling in the big bucks.”

“Sure…you know I can lend you some money, being an athlete and all has its benefits.”

“You an athlete?” I laugh, “Please you can’t even dribble a basketball let alone have that be your profession. You should really trade me,” I offer and she shakes her head while she forks over my $35,000 salary in all its faux money glory.

“In your dreams, Justin. I wouldn’t give up this job for the world,” she responds before she spins and moves her car forward three spaces.

“What about your other job?” I blurt out before I can help it, “Your real job?”

“What about it?” she leans back on her elbows and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. I can tell that she doesn’t really want to get into this topic of conversation but I really don’t care. If I can’t talk to my girlfriend about her job and how it sucks her time and energy away from the two of us over the Game of Life, then when can I do it?

“Can’t you take some time off during August and part of September? I really want you to come on the road with me,” I plead and I can feel myself start to panic when she breathes heavily and turns her face away to look out the window towards the backyard

“Justin…” she starts and I can tell she wants to nip this in the bud right now. But I honestly don’t want to be without her. I can’t let her stay here while I’m out seeing the country and the rest of the world. I did it once, it didn’t work and I’m scared shitless that it’s going to happen again.

“You’ve been working your ass off since I got back from England and I just feel like we need to spend more time together. I don’t want to leave to go do my job and leave you here. I’ve told you time and time again that it won’t be a problem having you come with me. And Elliot can handle your work load…the summer at the Hilton isn’t going to be that strenuous…”

“But it is!” she interjects, “The summer wedding season is starting to pick up towards the middle of August. I can try to get away for a couple of dates, but for the most part, my hands are tied. And you know how I feel about having you fully support me. I need to have my own thing to do and I would feel so useless sitting on the sidelines and not doing anything while you’re running about doing interviews and meet and greets. I need to do something. And I don’t want to put all the workload on Elliot, that isn’t fair to him.”

I want to argue that it isn’t fair to me that I have to suffer because she needs to have her little escape from our relationship or whatever it is she wants to call it. It isn’t fair that my job takes her so far away from me and it isn’t fair that her job makes her stay put in one place. Why does the world suck?

“You’re right,” I relent, “It isn’t fair…” I look over at her and see her expression soften. I’m glad that at this point in our relationship we can catch ourselves before we start to get into the arguments that, in the past, have totally fucked us over. And then the ingenious idea hits me…

“What would you do if someone offered you a job that would allow you to come visit me whenever you wanted while I was on tour?”

“Justin, I told you I’m not going to work for you and follow you around on tour. You know that that’s way too stressful for both of us,” she explains and I agree with her one hundred percent.

“No, I’m talking about you having a job here, but you have the hours that whenever need be, you can come visit me…”

“I’d take it in a heartbeat. Why…do you know of a place that has those kinds of hours?”

“No…” I start slowly but I can feel the gears turning around in my head. An idea is starting to form and the thought is thrilling, exciting, and scary as shit all rolled into one neat package, “I don’t know…just give me a few days Lauren and I’ll think of something.”

“Okay,” she states with a smile before she leans over and kisses me. “By the way, you just landed on the ‘Lose a Turn’ space. And you owe me five grand for having a kid. Pay up!”

“Dammit, I hate playing games with you,” I murmur against her lips, “You always win.”

“Naturally,” she quips and I pull her closer to me. I don’t care so much about the Game of Life anymore…right now I’m living it.

*~*~*~*~*

“I am going to smear your ass all over the pavement you fucker!”

“Whatever, I hope you know that I have the bigger arsenal and you are going to bleed!”

“Dream on asshat. I’m going to school you so bad!”

My eyes are glued to the television and with a few quickly executed moves with my controller I have succeeded in cutting off Trace’s head.

“Dammit!” he yells loudly as he jumps off the couch and throws the controller down on the floor, “Why do you always do that?”

I laugh loudly as I lean back into my armchair, my raucous laughter mixing in with the demonic cackling from the narrator in the game. I can’t help it if I spend all of my time on the tour bus with my Xbox playing Gears of War…and it isn’t my fault that I’m damn good at it.

“You need to spend more time with your game console and not your new lady friend,” I cajole as I set my controller onto the ottoman in front of my seat.

“Oh don’t sit there and give me shit just because I have a life and you don’t.”

“I so have a life,” I counter, “I just manage to make a little more time for the video games in my life and you should do the same.”

“Yeah, sure, right,” Trace says dryly before he shuts off the game, “Sorry that I’m more invested in real life than virtual.”

“Says the guy who actually tried doing the role play thing with Elliot,” I retort with a small laugh.

“Okay, that was one time!” he interjects heatedly, “I was curious, I wanted to see what it was like to have a little plastic army to order around and I swear to God I’m never going to do it again.”

“Does Joanna know your name is Nolan of Stormcrow: Lord of the Elves?”

“How the fuck do you even know that?” Trace asks and I can tell he is exceedingly embarrassed.

“Elliot told Lauren you went to one of the meetings and naturally she told me so the optimum amount of shit giving could be provided,” I explain and Trace rolls his eyes before he chucks a throw pillow in my direction.

“You guys keep reminding me why I need to get new friends,” Trace responds “And I swear to God if you tell Joanna I will murder you while you sleep.”

“Do not worry my Elven brother, I will carry your secret to the depths of my grave and beyond,” I vow and he rolls his eyes once more and the action reminds me so much of Lauren that I feel my hardened expression begin to soften.

“What’s on your mind?” I swear to God, Trace and I have been on the same wavelength since we were kids. I think he’s one of the only people who can pick up on my change of attitude just by the look on my face…especially one as subtle as that.

“Nothing,” I start. It’s better if I don’t let him know what’s on my mind. The fact that I’m even thinking about this idea is enough to make anyone question my sanity.

“Bull shit,” Trace interposes and I look away, hoping this will cause him to drop the subject. Of course it only makes him press the issue harder, “What is going on?”

“You’re going to think I’m fucking nuts,” I mumble.

“Justin,” Trace begins, “I know you’ve been fucking nuts since the moment I met you so whatever it is you’re thinking, it can’t be that horrendous or crazy, or whatever.”

I take a deep breath and look over at Trace who has a look of worry on his face. I hate it when I make him worry or question my motives and the like…God I guess I’m going to have to fess up. Lord knows if I don’t he isn’t going to let up until I snap.

“What would you say if I told you that I’m thinking about proposing. To Lauren,” I add as an afterthought.

He’s silent for a moment, his lips pursed in thought before he turns to me and lets his head rest against the giant pillows on the couch. “I think if you ever did that I would fall over and die of shock.”

“Why?” I cry out, flabbergasted that he would even think that.

“Because I don’t think I’d ever live to see the day when you actually proposed to someone,” Trace responds and I give him a furtive look.

“Well, honestly, I don’t want you to see that day because the thought of proposing to Lauren would be a day where you weren’t present,” I explain dryly. Why is he thinking this is such a crazy idea? Hell, why am I thinking that? The more and more I dwell on the thought of proposal the more sane it sounds.

“You know what I mean,” Trace responds before the living room is bathed in silence, “So you want to propose? Don’t you think that’s too soon?”

“I don’t think it’s too soon. I’ve known her going on six years and we’ve been in some weird relationship for the duration of that time,” I add before I start to think of all the good, and bad times Lauren and I have shared since she started working for me. I can only hope I can make many, many more with her.

“Yeah, but what about all the shit that happened this year? I mean out of the six years you’ve been together, you’ve only been an actual couple for like, four months…”

My patience with Trace is starting to wear thin. I didn’t expect this conversation to go like this at all. I was hoping Trace’s response would be more along the lines of, ‘Go for it! I’m happy for you, blah blah blah. But no, he’s being the Devil’s Advocate and it’s pissing me off.

“You’re supposed to be supportive of this, Trace! You’re supposed to be like ‘this is a great idea, you should do it! What  can I do to help?’”

“True,” Trace responds nonchalantly and it makes me so upset that I can’t sit down anymore. I launch to my feet and start to pace around the room, the wave of nausea that this topic of conversation is bringing me is starting to flip around more and more in my stomach, “but honestly, I’m being realistic here. What would you do if she turned you down?”

That thought hits me in the stomach so hard that I stop in mid pace to rest against the fireplace. That thought had occurred to me, but honestly I pushed it away from any train of thought I’ve been having about this whole proposal spiel, “Please, no one would turn me down, not even Lauren.”

“But what would you do if that happened?”

Jesus, I don’t even want to think about that. But her words of rejection are ringing through my head and I have to grip the side of the mantle for support. I don’t know what the hell I would do if she ever said no. My life would be over, for sure.

“I’d probably throw myself in front of a bus, or rig one of the lights on stage to hit me in the head so a large amount of people could take part in my misery.”

“Okay and I was thinking you’d say something like, ‘I’d be really fucking pissed.’” Trace says and I can hear the worry and trepidation being laid on thick in his voice.

“I’m serious Trace!” I exclaim as I walk towards him, “I’m serious when I say I want to spend the rest of my life with her and I think…no, I know she feels the same way.”

“Then do it man; you have my blessing. I just hope she knows what’s good for her and she says yes,” Trace says with a shrug before he hoists himself to his feet. He casts a sidelong glance at the television before he turns to me and claps a comforting hand on my shoulder. “You are one crazy motherfucker, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re wildly in love. Or some cheesy shit like that.”

I smirk in his direction and he smacks my shoulder one more time, “Do you have a plan or an idea on how you want to do it?”

“Not really,” I start as I set off towards the kitchen. All this talk of marriage and kicking of ass in Gears of War makes a guy hungry, “But one’s beginning to fall into place.”