Last Christmas saw me spending some nice, Justin-free days with current boyfriend-slash-almost-fiancé, Neal. This year I can’t get enough of the stupid bastard. Which should probably explain why I’m currently up at six in the morning, creeping towards his bedroom.  

The rest of the house is eerily silent as I creep down the hallway careful to avoid any floorboards that will indicate my location. The parents are downstairs in their bedroom and Justin and I are the only two people on the entire second floor. I’m sure we could partake in some early Christmas cheer if we wanted to, but I don’t feel like the Baby Jesus would want anyone consummating their love on his day of birth.

Reaching my final destination, I open the door and slip inside grinning at the limp figure currently snuggled underneath what seems to be twelve blankets. I can hear him snoring lightly through the heavy sheets and without a moment to spare I take a running leap and land right on top of him.

“What the fuck?” his voice, heavy with sleep, questions as I wrap my arms around his warm body, “Seriously? What the hell?”

“Merry Christmas, Justin! Let’s go see what Santa brought!” I exclaim before I pull the covers away from his face and begin to kiss him. He groans heavily and turns so he’s on his back and staring up at me.

“What time is it?” he asks groggily.

“Just past six,” I explain with a chuckle. His eyes widen and he brings an arm up to his face to stop my assaulting kisses.

“Are you fucking crazy, Lo-ho? Let me sleep,” he mumbles as he tries to throw a pillow over his face. I respond by yanking it from his weak grasp and start to punch him with said pillow. He groans loudly at this sudden change of events and before I can gain my balance, he’s leaping out from under the covers and wrapping his arms around my waist.

“Ouch, you freaking turd!” I yelp as he pins me down on the mattress. “Don’t you know it’s considered blasphemy to pin your girlfriend to a bed on Christmas morning?”

“And it isn’t blasphemous to wake up a sleep deprived, hard working not to mention good looking pop superstar from one of the best sleeps in his life?” I purse my lips at his sudden dive into his enormous ego and he smiles before leaning forward and planting a kiss on my nose. “Merry Christmas, lovely.”

I manage to squirm out of his grasp as he pulls himself reluctantly out of bed and starts to rummage around in his luggage. I give him a confused look seeing as for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t pack for him so I have no idea what the hell could possibly be in that bag. He comes back with a standard sized wrapped package and lets it drop ceremoniously on the bed.

“What is that?” I ask him.

“Why it’s your present of course,” he explains as if this was the most obvious thing in the world, “Why don’t you save yourself the nail biting anticipation I know you’re feeling and open it?” I roll my eyes at him as I begin to unravel the paper. I hate surprises and the fact that there’s one staring me in the face is not too appealing right now.

I can feel Justin’s anxiousness practically filling the room as I lift the top off of a medium sized box. Sitting on a plush cushion seems to be a thin certificate. Pulling it out, I scan the words and I can’t stop the feeling of complete adoration and love swell up in my stomach. I think my heart grew five sizes because of his generosity.

“Wow,” I breathe, “you didn’t have to do this,” I explain with a smile as I look over at him.

“Hey, Bentley Lexus is looking like a piece of shit lately. I figured he could use a face lift since you’ll be driving back and forth to the Hilton a lot,” he explains. I take that as a compliment. At least he didn’t buy me a new car because he knows I wouldn’t appreciate that at all.

Justin is still looking at me as if he’s expecting me to do something else. It isn’t until then that I realize the piece of paper is a little bit too heavy. Looking at the bottom I notice a long piece of yarn and dangling at the end is some random sparkly shit.

“What the hell?” he grins like an idiot as he pulls the bracelet off of the yarn and gently places it on my wrist. “Justin!” I exclaim, “I think this is a bit too much.” I feel bad, what I’m about to give him isn’t as great as any of this and it definitely probably wasn’t this expensive.

“No it isn’t. I wish I could give you more, but I knew this was the most you’d let me get away with,” he explains with that stupid boyish grin. It usually has no affect on me, but right now in this moment, I can feel the pit of my stomach melt.

“Thank you,” I whisper sincerely before I lean forward and plant a kiss on his lips.

“You’re welcome,” he murmurs against my mouth before he pulls away slowly, “So what did you get me?” he asks like an excited kid. I roll my eyes and lean back against the headboard of the bed.

“Well it isn’t really tangible,” I explain slowly. Truth be told I had no idea what to get Justin for Christmas. What does one give the man who has everything and if he doesn’t have it, he can ask for it and it will be given? When I worked for him I’d give him random gift certificates to various eateries around L.A. but now, I mean we’re dating and that doesn’t seem personable at all.

“Well what is it? You know I don’t like to wait!”

“Okay,” I begin, “I know you hate it as much as I do that you’re going on tour and I have to stay in California,” his face darkens and I hate to remind him as well as me that our days are running out, “So my gift to you is…no matter where you are on tour, be it New York, England, or fucking Thailand, if you need me and not for a booty call, but if it’s serious; all you have to do is call me and I’ll be there in a heartbeat. I don’t care where you are and I don’t care if I lose my job I will be there no matter what.”

“No matter what?” he questions.

“That’s what I said. I know it isn’t much…”

“Lauren,” he begins as he pulls me in quickly for a warm hug, “I think that’s the best gift I’ve ever gotten. For serious.”

We stay in that position for a while until I suddenly remember the wrapped package in my room. I pull out of the embrace and quickly tell Justin to wait when I see the look of indignation pass over his face. Running back to my room, I pull out the present and race back to his room.

Jumping on the bed I hand him the parcel and he proceeds to rip the paper to shreds until he’s looking at an orange colored book.

“What…” he begins but stops short when he reads the cover. Opening the book he turns to the page I have flagged for him. I’m grinning like an idiot as he shakes his head sadly and looks up at me.

“Lauren, I do appreciate the fact that you’re concerned with my ability to operate machinery, but I can assure you,” he begin as he closes Cooking for Dummies and throws it on the floor before he tackles me on the bed and begins to tickle me, “I know how to turn off a fucking stove.”

*~*~*

The rest of our morning plays out slowly. We go downstairs to greet my parents who are sitting in the kitchen sharing coffee. It isn’t until I make a grand gesture with my right hand that my mom sees the bracelet dangling from my wrist and she immediately snatches my arm in mid motion and stares at the piece with an experienced eye.

My mom might like to follow wild animals for days at a time without a shower, but the woman can appreciate fine jewelry when she wants to. I notice my dad giving Justin an approving glance before he starts towards the living room. I look at him perplexed. We never go into the living room to open presents until after breakfast.

“What are you doing?” I ask my father before the rest of us follow him into the other room.

Everything looks normal; the tree is lit, presents are all over the place, but there’s one added feature that makes me do a double take. Sitting on the couch there’s the photographer from the night before, looking at us placidly with a huge bow on his head.

“Uh what the fuck is this?” I ask totally forgetting that I don’t drop f-bombs around my parents. They look at me with scandalized expressions before my mom rushes over to the guy and sits down next to him.

“Lauren, honey, this is Theodore. He’s your brother.”

Excuse me, my what?

“I didn’t know you had a brother,” Justin mumbles into my ear. He’s standing next to me, holding onto my hand and I can’t help but think that I’ve landed right in the middle of a Sally Jesse Raphael episode.

“That’s because I don’t. I’m an only child,” I fire back. What kind of joke are my parents trying to pull?

“He isn’t your real brother. More like adopted,” Dad explains. The guy sitting next to my mom doesn’t say anything, merely smiles at me.

“Explain,” is all I can mumble. I really have no idea what else to say, I am a complete loss for words, which doesn’t happen often.

“Do you remember right after you graduated and started working for Justin, your mother and I went to Canada to do research on Canadian geese?” I can only stare at my weird ass parents before my dad continues, “We were passing through one of their universities and picked Theodore up. He’s been our assistant for the past four years.”

“Hi,” the guy, apparently Theodore, says in a reserved voice. “It’s nice to meet you, I’ve heard so much about you from Dean and Shelly.”

“Okay, wait,” I say finally finding my voice, “You mean to tell me that this kid has been following you around for the past four years? Is he a photographer, I mean what the hell?”

“I was majoring in photography at my college. I figured I’d skip the degree and sign on with your parents. I mean, they’re the go to people for wildlife photography,” Theodore explains with a shy smile. I know what my parents are, I know that my last name is considered to be like ‘Christ’ in the photography world. For the sweet lord’s sake my parents dragged me to the Serengeti for an entire year when I was eleven so they could stalk lions and fucking African elephants during the tourist off season!

And this kid doesn’t even have a mother fucking degree! Then again neither does my boyfriend but Justin keeps telling me time and time again that he majored in Rocking Society with Sweet Ass Tunes at the University of Life.

I’m surrounded by nut jobs.

“If you’re a wildlife photographer, then why were you taking pictures of me last night?” Justin suddenly interjects. Leave it to him to change the subject to himself.

“You obviously didn’t see the large snow owl hovering over the rink trying to find a meal in the parking field,” Theodore explains as if this was the most interesting and obvious thing in the entire world. Mom and Dad smile at him with pride.

Not only is my ‘brother’ taking after my parents’ profession, he’s obviously a huge fucking geek. This is why I don’t go home when my parents are in the house.

“I was just wasting film at the end of the night, so I did some shots of the ice skaters.” Justin looks highly miffed. I’m sure he isn’t used to having people waste film on him and I almost want to poke at his ego just a bit. I refrain however because I’m still in shock that this kid is sitting on my couch with a fucking bow on his head.

“Why is there a bow on your head?” I question.

“We’re giving you the gift of family this year,” Mom explains and I swear I threw up a bit in my mouth, “So Theo is your present.”

Really, this is almost as bad as being called out for having sex in Justin’s house by his little brother in front of his whole family.

“That’s swell,” I mock, “Sadly I only gave you guys material things this year. So if you could take that ridiculous bow off your head we can open these presents and get on with our holiday.”

I drag Justin over to a large easy chair and make him sit down before I practically jump in his lap. I get a reproachful look from my parents but I really don’t give a fuck. If it weren’t considered socially wrong and highly unsanitary I’d probably have sex with my boyfriend right now just to get back at my parents. But knowing them they’d probably act as if nothing was happening and continue to converse about flamingos or some other random animal.

Present time is a rather subdued experience. I mean I freaking got a human being for my gift so receiving a few bracelets made by aboriginals in Australia seems a bit of a let down. I also feel really bad and awkward with just Theodore sitting there, not getting anything. But if I had known another guest would be joining us, I probably would have gotten him a California key chain or something. I’m such a bad adoptive sister.

“And here’s Justin’s present,” Mom says with a flourish. They were kind of taken aback when he presented them with a portable GPS system for their travels. I guess they expected him to present a framed picture of himself. The old Justin probably would have gone down that path, but this new Justin, the boyfriend Justin is a tad different.

Justin grabs the enormous package and starts to rip at the edges. I already know it’s a framed picture of some kind of photo my parents took of some animals. It isn’t until the paper is shed and Justin is staring at the finished result that my heart almost falls out of my ass.

My parents are fucking ridiculous.

“Oh this is…nice,” Justin begins in a voice laced with feigned excitement. I mean who could be excited about a large wolf prancing through the tundra, dragging a dead and bloody caribou calf behind it?

I cover my face with my hands, completely mortified.

“I took that picture!” Dad says as if he’s proud that he presented my boyfriend with a dead animal photo. “It represents the circle of life and how if one isn’t careful, innocence can be crushed in the jaws of deception and deceit.”

If this weren’t so humiliating I would laugh.

“Yeah…I can see that with the way the wolf’s teeth are crushing the baby’s neck into splinters…” Justin explains. He’s trying to sound intelligent and I’m almost convinced but I can tell by the way he’s tensing up he is so not happy about this. “This is really cool, thank you.”

The room is bathed in awkward silence until Theodore chokes back a fit of giggles. I look at my family bewildered as Mom and Dad erupt into laughter. Is everyone on some kind of drug and did they forget to tell me?

“That was just a gag gift,” Mom states before she pulls out a much smaller wrapped package and gives it to Justin. He almost chucks the wolf picture aside as he grabs onto his other present.

“I get two presents!” he exalts as he rips the wrapping paper aside. Theo explains that this is from not only him, but also my parents. Great they’re giving combined gifts now, next thing you know they’ll be planning his wedding and writing him in the will.

“What do you think?” Dad asks anxiously. I lean over to see what Justin has suddenly gone so quiet over. I can’t help but grin when I see what it is. It seems that Theo did grab a couple of pictures of us last night. The one in the frame is of Justin and I sitting on the ice right after he pulled me down. It really is a sweet gesture and I look from my mom to my dad to my random add on brother with what I’m sure is a surprised expression.

“I love it,” is all Justin can say before his brow furrows with confusion, “But don’t you have to go to like Walgreens or something to develop this? How did you get it done so soon?” I bite my lip as everyone starts to laugh like Justin just dropped the punch line of a hilarious joke.

“Part of the barn is a dark room,” Mom explains, “Theodore was out there last night developing some film.” Justin nods as if this explains everything. “If you want, we can take that other photograph back,” she adds indicating to the dead baby picture. Justin shakes his head and pats it almost lovingly.

“Naw, I’ll hang onto this. I know exactly where this is going to go in my house.” I turn to look at him with a knowing grin on my face.

“Trace’s room?”

“Right over his bed. I’m sure he’ll love it,” Justin adds as he sustains a chuckle.

*~*~*

“So you’re from Montreal?” Lauren asks Theodore as the three of us walk through the barn. Christmas day is coming to a close and we’re ending it by having a tour of the newly redone barn. Gone are the pigs and chickens and other kinds of barnyard animals that you couldn’t pay me to touch. In their place are high tech gadgets used to aid the development of top notch, professional pictures.

“Yeah. But my address is basically the world. Your parents are really great people. They didn’t have to take me on because they’ve been working with each other for so long…” his voice fades away as he gently holds onto an enormous lens.

“What are you planning to do now? Are you going with them to Mexico?” I find myself asking. That’d be a nice vacation for him. What if I cancelled my tour and decided to follow Mr. and Mrs. Walters with their daughter in tow? I can see it now: Lauren and I making out on the beach while her parents and Theo stumble along the shore practically wetting themselves at the sight of whales. Yup, there she blows…and I’m not just thinking about Lauren.

“Actually,” Theodore starts as he sets the lens down and sits on a workbench, “I was probably going to head down to Los Angeles and do a piece on abandoned dogs and cats. It’s a whole different world down there and I think if people are able to see the pain and suffering innocent beings of life are going through, they might want to make a difference.”

Well this kid has an agenda and fuck whoever gets in his way. He looks pretty darn serious about this and I can respect the fact that the kid’s got ambition. Good for him, I know at his age I was just getting over the worst break up of my life and trying to deal with it while the whole world was watching. I did my share of moping and ‘who gives a fuck,’ at his age. Glad he’s getting out in the world to do shit.

“Do you know where you’ll be staying while you’re there?” Lauren questions. Theo shrugs which indicates that the kid has no idea what the hell he’s getting himself into. Figures.

“I’ve been looking at hotels in the area and I’ve got rental cars all lined up. But for the most part I’m just going to show up and hope for the best,” he explains as if picking up his life and moving it without having the faintest idea what is going to happen is an every day occurrence. Lauren looks affronted that he doesn’t have any sort of plan and I can’t stop the words that are falling out of my mouth.

“You could stay with us,” I all but blurt out. Lauren moves her head to look at me so fast I’m afraid the poor thing has whiplash. Theo looks taken aback and he starts to toy with a beat up strap of a camera. “We’ve got more than enough room and it’s a short drive into LA.”

Why the hell am I offering my house to a complete stranger? I mean I hardly know the guy and he’s probably going to invade my home with a cavalcade of cameras. He could get the pap bug and start to sneak pictures of my way too private life and get a big buck for them. What the hell am I thinking?

But one look of adoration from Lauren is all it takes to know that I’m doing this for her. I mean she just found out a few hours ago that she has some weird, Jerry Springeresque Long-Lost-Not-So-Adopted Brother and the least I can do is allow her to spend more time with the guy.

It isn’t until Theo agrees and Lauren hugs me tightly that I realize whatever little free time she has now isn’t going to be spent with me, but probably this dorky, random shutterbug who she’ll want to know inside and out before he finishes his project.

Well fuck there goes the neighborhood.