10:30 PM

That’s what the big, red numbers on his alarm clock said staring right back at him. He had been tossing and turning in bed for about the past thirty minutes. His body was exhausted, having spent quite a few hours in the studio tweaking demos, yet his mind was wide awake and wildly racing with thoughts.

Everyone who knew him knew he had thoughts for days. He was a creative soul and very passionate with ideas. He always had the wheels going round and round in his head and many times his mouth couldn’t even keep up to express his thoughts. Though it was a good thing no one was around to verbalize tonight’s thoughts to. They were personal and filled with confusion, and he really wasn’t in the talking mood.

He lay with his head upon his pillow and his body hidden under his silky, cream sheets. He wore a simple white wifebeater and some plaid boxer shorts. His body was comfortable and rather cozy, yet he had a longing to truly feel cuddled and snuggled up. He was missing someone in his life to just hold tight and gravitate to, especially throughout the night, every night in bed. He was missing the warmth of another body, one of female persuasion. That was part of his dilemma.

The other part was that he was turning 34.

 He sighed, watching as time continued to go by, just like the years of his life. He lived in his own world of time and now it was quickly catching up to him. Time had ticked by and moments had passed. He wasn’t that young boy just starting a boy band with his friends anymore. He was a man now and approaching his mid-thirties. He was what some would call, “washed up”, and he was left to use what expertise he did have in dancing on an edgy, competitive show for dance crews. Besides that gig, he was still working in the studio, creating music, if only for the new generation of stars. Oh how time had gone by.

He thought to himself, as he looked at the clock once more.

11:00 PM

Oh great! One hour! One more freaking hour. Then it’s bye, bye, bye 33 and hello 34. Why couldn’t I have just fallen asleep, instead of being in this misery of insomnia?

What happened to sleeping peacefully, being young, and having a hot chick in your bed? Oh that’s right…those days are over. Silly me.

But damn…I miss her. I miss that hot chick in my bed. I miss the way she felt against my body. I miss her lips crashing against mine. I miss the way we made love. I miss how she’d freak me out every time I did something wrong and she’d scream, “Joshua Scott!” I miss how she’d bake me cookies and sometimes even bring them to the studio. I miss how she’d laugh at my jokes, her laughter so contagious and sexy. I miss just…being with her and making memories. Having her by my side, enjoying the little things in life, that’s what I miss the most.

I want her back. I need her love. I need her love again.He shifted upon his mattress and then sat up, scooting closer to his nightstand. He reached his arm out and then used his fingers to flick the switch upon his lamp. The brightness then shocked his eyes for a moment, as the lamp came to life. He blinked many times, letting his eyes adjust to the light and then he fully opened his gorgeous eyes of crystalline blue. His lips pursed in thought, as if telling himself to not do it. Yet, he did it anyways. He opened the drawer of his nightstand and then shuffled through some papers to find the picture he was looking for. He found it and was immediately captivated. As always.

Her bright, green eyes paired with her brown hair filled with honey highlights, and her pearly whites showing in a genuinely happy smile. Her perfect body with just enough curves and her long legs that were very satisfying, especially wrapped around him during their sexual encounters. She was just beautiful. He loved it when she was dressed in one of his t-shirts and he loved it when she was dolled up in a high-end evening gown. The woman in this picture could do no wrong with the way she dressed, styled her hair, or wore her makeup.

He sighed, seeing the way he held her tight, his arm around her waist. The way she seemed to lean into him and had her own arm around him. They were just happy and looked like any other couple that was madly in love. He remembered his mother taking the picture of them and practically gushing afterwards about how striking of a couple they were. How perfect they were together. How much she wanted them to have a blissful future and well, they had almost found it. Almost.

Yet, their love and a little bundle of joy just didn’t cut it. They came crumbling down.

The picture had been put back in his nightstand drawer and the lamp had been turned off. His head hit his pillow once more, practically begging for dreamland. Though his eyes couldn’t stay closed for long enough and his body didn’t want to give in. His mind was still full of thoughts and all he could do was stare up in the darkness at the ceiling.

If only his fans could see him now. Those that still truly cared and gave him any sort of respect. Those that knew he was human and had issues like everyone else, insomnia included. He surely wasn’t being a manwhore along Sunset Blvd in the late night, like some would think. He certainly wasn’t clubbing it and getting numbers from ten random chicks. Nor was he even strumming his guitar or jotting down lyrics that came to him. He wasn’t the JC Chasez that everyone thought they knew or wanted him to be. Yes, he got random chicks’ numbers. Maybe he did take his chance on Sunset…..a couple times. Yeah, he did constantly work on music. Yet, his life wasn’t all about sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll. He had more on his plate and he was a lot more normal at second or third glance.

He was simply…Josh. Just a man that was not looking forward to his birthday that was minutes away and wishing it wasn’t. Just a man that was laying in bed, all alone, wishing he was sleeping in the arms of a lover. In Noelle’s arms, for that matter.

11:55 PM

Five more minutes. Five more minutes.

11:56 PM

Four more minutes. Shit..it’s like New Years’ Eve, but not! It’s the countdown to being old. Older than dirt. He let out the softest chuckle at his own thoughts.Oh if only Noelle was here. If she hadn’t slipped through my fingers. She’d probably be sexing me up, already getting the celebration started.

He moved out from under the sheets and slowly made his way over to the bathroom, careful to not bump into a wall in the dark.

He had had some juice before coming upstairs for the night and now it was going through him.

He mused as he finished up and then washed his hands, before retreating back to his bed.

The clock quickly switched from 11:58 to 11:59 PM, as soon as he lay down once more. The big, red numbers glaring back, just ready to turn to the next day.

He just stared at the numbers, waiting for it to turn to midnight. That way he could get over this whole countdown and just let it soak in. Let the fact that he was one year older soak in. Then maybe he could beat the insomnia and his thoughts of growing old and of Noelle could disappear.

11:59:50 PM

33...33..33..

It’s almost here. My birthday. Please god, don’t let it suck too much. Hopefully spending it with Tyler and Noah will be just what I need.

12:00 AM

………34! Just as the numbers upon his alarm clock changed, solidifying that it was his birthday, the grandfather clock downstairs chimed loudly enough throughout the house, signally the changing of the day as well.

It was August 8th. The countdown was over.

Then before he could let any other thoughts cycle through his brain, a little body came crashing into the room.

He practically had a heart attack, pressing his hand over his heart, not expecting it at all, but it was probably just what he needed.

The little body crawled upon the mattress and then fell on top of him.

“Daddy!” A little boy, cried out in glee.

“What’s up, bud? Why aren’t you sleeping?” He held back laughter, realizing it wasn’t a fair question when he himself hadn’t been sleeping either.

“I sleep. But got up and colored. I colored a picture. Now I see you, daddy.” The little boy cuddled into JC’s chest and hugged him tight.

“Oh really? Well it’s good that you’re here. It’s now daddy’s birthday and he needs all the cuddling he can get.”

“I cuddle you.”

“Thank you, Noah.”

He grinned, finally the first true grin of the night, just feeling the love he got from his son. That was the one good reminder of his relationship with Noelle, even if it was constant. They had named him Noah, coming to the conclusion that it was like a combination of their names…Joshua and Noelle. Plus it meant “comfort” and they hoped that Noah would always be a source of comfort to them and vice versa. It was now he who was getting the comfort.

Noah spoke once more. “Do I get a birthday?”

“Of course you do, little dude. Remember? It’s in October. You’ll be 4 this year.” Noah then giggled at his daddy’s response.

“Oh yeah…that’s right, daddy. I gonna be a big boy.”

“You most certainly are.” He pecked the top of Noah’s head and just basked in the warmth of the little body upon his.

“Are you old now?”

Laughter spilled out of his chest at the question.

“Yeah. I am. Daddy’s been old for awhile, but now he’s real old.”

“You still play with me at beach tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow really is today, Noah. But yes….I can still play with you. Daddy’s not super super old yet. Uncle Tyler will play with you too.”

Noah then nuzzled his face into the crook of his daddy’s neck. “Okay, good. I sleep again. Stay here.”

“Alright,. You can sleep again and stay here. I’ll let you.” He rubbed Noah’s back gently and soon enough he heard only shallow breathing coming from his little man. He was glad to have a body in his bed, even if it was his sleeping son.

And with that final thought, JC sighed and shut his eyes. Allowing his body to finally fully relax and his mind to shut off. Within minutes he was joining Noah in dreamland.