Justin usually keeps good on his promises, but he was a week away from not keeping good on the last one he made to me. One month and three weeks after we left Miami he finally called to tell me he had some time off and that he booked me a flight out to LA. One month and three weeks after the phone calls started dwindling, and the text messages became less and less frequent. One month and three weeks after I had to learn to live on my own for the first time since college. Most people would be happy about receiving a phone call like this. Most people would jump for joy and run to go pack a bag. But I'm not most people.

"I can't," I said into the phone after putting a spoonful of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in my mouth, "This week just isn't good for me."

"What do you mean you can't Em? I haven't seen you for close to two months!" I pulled the phone away from my ear so that his booming voice wouldn't give me a headache.

"So what's another week?" I asked keeping my voice as calm as possible as I watched two housewives pull each other's hair on the TV in front of me. Which one is this anyway? New Jersey? Atlanta?

"Emily I don't need this right now...I really don't..."

"Don't need what?" I asked sitting up in my bed tucking the blankets under my chin after I put my empty mug on the nightstand.

"Need you to do this. What are you even doing right now?" I could hear him pacing and I'm pretty sure he's thrown about every fork and knife he owns into the sink, or against the wall I can't really decipher which one at the moment, "Are you trying to punish me because I haven't had time off? Is that what this is? You're not going to come because you're reprimanding me?"

"Justin calm down," I said finding the remote under the covers to put the catfight on mute, "I'm not reprimanding you, I just have a lot of stuff to do and I can't just up and leave at the drop of a hat." And I'm kind of reprimanding you, I thought to myself but kept it inside not wanting him to have a bigger hissy fit.

"Yes you can. I'm your boss and I say you need a vacation."

"Okay fine...So are you going to reschedule all of the meetings I have set up with vendors? Are you going to come home to do all the interviewing for the contractor's so that we can start rebuilding the golf course that you bought and have had no hand in doing anything with since? And are you going to do all of my employee reviews that have to be done and submitted by Friday? Because if so I can absolutely pack up right now and hop on the next flight to LAX...Oh, and don't forget while your here to continue to plan the dumbest birthday party ever for Trace, and by plan I mean meet the mother of all bitches at a restaurant and listen to her rant and rave about how all of your ideas are stupid and nothing is good enough for her man."

I was met with silence on the other end of the phone for a good minute and a half. Then I heard him sigh in a way that I could only imagine was him throwing himself down on a chair. "Look Em...I miss you, and I need you. I get that you're mad that it's been this long but--"

"I'm not mad," I said cutting him off, "I was mad, but then I accepted it..."

"Accepted what?"

"I've accepted the fact that at this point in your life work comes first and--"

"Don't even--"

"Let me finish." I started to raise my voice so I took a second to settle down and to make sure he wasn't going to interrupt me again. "And that's okay Justin. What you do for a living isn't a normal 9-5 and I've realized that I need to accept that and be happy with it because when you do have time off I get you all to myself uninterrupted for months at a time. I can't get mad at you for having a schedule that you have no control over, and I know that if I needed you here you'd drop everything and be here in a second and I'd do the same for you. But you need to realize that I have a job too, and that I can't just drop everything because you have a couple of hours off even if you're my boss and you say it's okay. I miss you, hell I've missed you since the minute we left Miami and I'm not going to lie I was mad at you for a while but I'm not anymore. Life ain't easy. Being away from you for so long certainly is not easy but I understand why it has to be like this..."

"When did you become Gandhi?"

"That little speech was far from anything Gandhi would ever say...Do you even know who Gandhi is?"

"Yes I know who Gandhi is...I also know that I miss you and that I'm sorry I was giving you an attitude I'm just really stressed out."

"Well I miss you too, and I'm sorry for giving you an attitude as well."

"You weren't giving me an attitude at all. In fact I don't think I've ever heard you stay so calm before in my life."

"Well inside I was giving you an attitude, I just hid it really well. But to make it up to you when you come home I'll give you the best back rub you've ever had in your life," I said with a smirk.

"How'd you know I need a back rub? It's like you can read my mind..."

"Because whenever you're stressed out your back hurts, and right at this moment you're laying on the couch with your back arched over the arm."

"God I miss you."

"Me too, but I have to say...I do not miss having a camera shoved in my face every time I step foot outside."

"Lucky you..."

***

I love my brother. This is the one and only reason why I'm allowing Bri in my office right now to discuss plans for his birthday party. We've been "planning" for what seems like years now, and honestly the only reason why she asked me to help her is because she needs money to fund it. Everything I said say she shoots down, but instead of getting into it with her again I just smile, agree, and sign the checks. Trace owes me big for this one.

She's been talking my ear off for about two hours now and to be honest I haven't really been listening. Every time she snaps the piece of gum in her mouth I want to reach over my desk and strangle her, but I resist the temptation. Instead I think about how Justin is coming home in 4 hours and try to plan what I'm going to make for dinner. Not that I think we'll actually get to dinner but I at least have to pretend I don't want to jump his bones the minute he walks through the door. I'm looking at the computer screen finalizing Julie's review while simultaneously looking on the Food Network website for a romantic home cooked meal for two. The picture of the Chicken Primavera looks mouthwatering, but who am I kidding I could never ever make it look that good. He would love some Prime Rib, but I'd probably burn the house down while attempting that one. So I keep clicking through the recipes while she continues to talk a mile a minute and I'm wishing that I talked to Justin more then twice in the past five days. He finished filming two days ago and he's been doing re-shoots for the past couple of days so I try not to let it bother me but it still kind of does.

Oh salmon with a honey glaze sauce. Now that's something I could do...I perk up clicking the print button when faintly in the distance I hear Bri's high pitched bird call over and over and over again, "Emily...Emily...HELLO?!"

I look up briefly from the screen to see her staring at me like I'm the one that sounds like Pauly the fucking parrot and simply nod, "Yeah Bri that sounds great..."

"Really?" she chirped, "I never thought you'd go for that! I'll call the strip club tonight! This is so exci-"

"WHAT? No...Just, no."

"But you said," she whined.

"Well I wasn't really listening. No strip club, or strippers, or whatever you were getting from there. Why would you even want a stripper for your boyfriends birthday...oh never mind," I said shaking my head not wanting her to answer the question knowing she'd probably say something about how they enjoy having threesomes or something.

"But..."

"No Bri. That's where I draw the line, I'm not paying for strippers at my brother's birthday party. It's not happening." A knock at the door interrupted us and when I saw Julie walk in I let out a sigh of relief. She looked at me with sincere pity in her eyes and I just shook my head at her.

"Hey Em...Um, so the guy that you had that appointment with is uh...early. So yeah, he's here and kind of impatient."

I saw Bri scoff out of the corner of my eye so I looked at her with fake disappointment on my face as she gathered her things and walked out of the office without a goodbye or even a thank you escaping her mouth. Julie watched her walked out before turning back to me and rolling her eyes. She, like me can't stand the sight of Bri but that's probably due to the fact that she's the one I complain about her to and not so much that she doesn't really like her. "Please," I said holding my hand up as she was about to go off about her, "I just had to listen to her speak for two hours so I do not want to talk about her." She closed her mouth and plopped down on the chair Bri had just left vacant. "And thank you for saving me, because I was about to bitch slap her."

"When I heard you yell I knew it was time to step in," she replied watching me pack up my bag and turn the computer off. "Hey Em?"

"Yeah," I said turning around from the printer with the recipes I had printed out in my hand.

"You're okay right?"

I looked up from the paper and nodded. Knowing what she meant by the vague question but not wanting to talk about it. "I'm okay Jules."

***

Here's something you should probably know about me and my cooking skills. They're really not that good. Sure I can whip up an occasional fancy meal every now and then, but the extent of my cooking is usually canned soup, pasta, and anything I can possibly fry. So for me to make a meal that one would find in a restaurant that doesn't have a .99 cent menu takes time and effort and I was damn proud of myself when I pulled the honey glazed salmon out of the oven. After setting the table and lighting the two candles in the middle I practically ripped the "Will Grill for Sex" apron that I bought for Justin as a joke for his birthday off I checked my makeup and sat down at the table to wait.

One hour after he was suppose to walk through the door I was still sitting at the table by myself. I had put the salmon back in the oven to keep it warm and calm, understanding Emily was getting angry and irate as the seconds ticked away. My phone rang about 15 minutes later and it was Justin telling me he still hadn't left LA. Something about running into an old friend and golf at Pebble Beach came out of his mouth but to be honest I wasn't really listening to specifics. There were a lot of things about Justin and our relationship that I had problems with but never really said anything because I didn't want to fight, and I didn't want to risk losing him but this was my last straw.

We fought. We fought long and we fought hard. It was the first time in a long time that we got into a screaming match quite like this. Words neither one of us meant were being shot at one another, and I'm pretty sure I called him an inconsiderate asshole at least seven times. I wasn't entirely sure what I was mad at exactly besides the fact that in a certain sense Justin really doesn't know how to be in a relationship. Sure he knows how to be affectionate, and I would never ever question his loyalty or think that he'd cheat on me; but in other ways he's still living the bachelor life. I don't ask for much...I really don't, but is it wrong for me to expect him to tell me if he's not going to be home when he said he was going to be after not seeing him for 2 months? Is it wrong for me to think he'd rather spend time with me then golfing with an old friend? I can't recount everything we both said to one another because after about 45 minutes of screaming I think I forgot the original reason why we were fighting.

I hung up on him about 45 minutes into the Royal Rumble. I blew out the candles, and turned the stove off before I stomped upstairs to my room making sure to lock the door so that when he did eventually make it home he wouldn't be able to come in. I got into bed without even taking any of my clothes off, turned the TV on and pretended to watch it for hours when in reality I was replaying our argument in my head over and over again. I was mad...I was more then mad, but at the same time I didn't like knowing that we were screaming at each other and he got on a plane mad at me and  vice versa. I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't figure out who was right and who was wrong, but after a while my anger turned into fear. Fear that he'd come home and break up with me. Fear that I'd lose him. Or worst of all...Fear that on the eve of my fiancé's death, something would happen to him on his way back and I'd never get to talk to him again too.

***

When I saw the daisies in front of the marble tombstone I knew that his mother had already been there today. It was colder today then it was a year ago. I zipped up my North Face as I walked closer running my hands along the engraved stone. Sitting down on the cold grass I picked up a small rock that was next to me and started tossing it from one hand to the other. I watched the glare from the ring on my right middle finger go back and forth across the stone, and began to think about the time when that same ring sat proudly on my left ring finger.

So much has happened in a year. I can't really decide if it's been a really long year or if it went by too fast. All I know is that I've experienced more changes this year then I ever thought I would in my whole life. As I sat there for hours on end, I changed my position from sitting to lying over and over again and just thought about everything. As the sun was setting I made myself think about this time last year. This was about the time Jake left to go to that house, the last time I'd ever see him alive. Then I thought about how all I wanted that night was for him to hold me. I needed to feel him against me and to hear him tell me that he loved me.

It was then that I realized for certain that everyone was right. I had said it before...Told myself that it was true but never actually believed it until right now. It was possible for me to move on. I loved Jake, will always love Jake. But unlike last year, right now I just want Justin here to hold me. I want to feel his lips on my temple and his arm wrapped around my waist. And I want more then anything to tell him how much I love him. I want to tell him that when I see him my heart skips a beat, and when he touches me I get chills. I want to thank him for saving me from myself, and I want to get lost in his eyes. I was scared though, that after our fight last night it might be too late.

So when he sits down next to me about an hour later after I had moved to lean against the stone he just put his hand out and I locked my hand in his putting my head on his shoulder. "I thought I'd find you here..."

I let out a chuckle closing my eyes, "Kind of like deja vu huh?"

"Except this time you don't hate me...At least I hope you don't..."

"I don't," I replied letting out a breath. "We have a lot to talk about though."

"Wanna go home?"

"Not yet."

"Okay." He adjusted his back against the marble and placed a kiss on my cheek. It was the first time I felt his lips on me in two months and my heart sank. Not because it felt good, but because it felt empty. There was something missing, and in my heart I knew I was too late.