It's funny how things can seemingly stop in your life but at the same time keep going like nothing ever happened. Though our lives ultimately went on pause the moment Chloe took her last breath everything else around us continued like nothing out of the ordinary was going on. Justin was transferred to a rehab center and he decided now was the best time to come clean to everyone about him being sick what seemed like so long ago but was really only a few months ago since he planned on being involved as much as possible with Chloe's funeral and Memorial Foundation. To say that people were shocked when they found out was the understatement of the century but it was a whole lot easier now to fill them in then it would have been when he was actually going through it. Trace cursed both of us out but Justin ended up winning the argument using the "you didn't tell me you were having a kid," card, and Johnny had many words with Justin but there was nothing anyone could do about it now.

Things between Justin and I are up in the air. We love each other. We both finally said it out loud to one another and meant it. We weren't fighting or debating things we just said it and meant it, but just because we love each other doesn't mean we slipped right back into a relationship and continued where we left off. In fact we haven't really talked about it. It's been two days and we haven't really done much talking at all actually. Justin goes to his therapy sessions while I stay in his room to do work, and when he comes back he'll tell me how it all went, we'll talk about work and sometimes about Chloe but that's about it. Today though, when he came back I could tell we'd be talking about a whole lot more then that.

"What do you believe?" he asked me after the nurse walked out of the room. Chloe's wake was tonight and they wouldn't allow him to leave rehab for it, but we managed to get them to agree to let him go to the funeral tomorrow.

I looked up from the computer screen and furrowed my brow at him, "What do you mean?"

"With everything," he was looking at the ceiling and had his hands behind his head.

"I don't know...I believe a lot of things."

"Do you believe in heaven?"

"I want to believe in heaven, but I'm not sure if I do," I replied closing the laptop and placing it on the table next to me. "It's hard to believe in something you don't know for certain actually exists. It's just...it's not tangible so how would I know for sure you know?"

"What if it sucks? I mean people build heaven up to be this amazing place, your perfect world...could you imagine if it was like a Motel 6 with stale muffins every morning?"

"That would be pretty bad. But I guess if you had everyone that you loved around you it wouldn't be so awful."

"Do you believe everything happens for a reason?"

"Depends on the day I guess. I think something good can come out of every bad situation but I can't sit here and say everything happens for a reason."

"Do you think Jake died for a reason?"

"I haven't figured that one out yet," I said after a few minutes of thought. "On the one hand it brought me closer to you which would have never happened if he didn't. But on the other hand, dealing with that...feeling your heart get pulled out of your chest and not knowing how your going to live, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. So if your asking if I think Jake died so that we could be together, then my answer would be no." He turned his head to the side and opened his eyes wide to stare at me, shocked by my answer. "I mean lets face it, I loved Jake and I was happy with or without you in my life at the time. If he were still alive...it wouldn't bother me that we weren't friends Justin because things between us would have never changed, I wouldn't know the real you. But he's not here anymore and I know the real you, and I know that I love the real you and don't want to be without you."

"So Jake was your soul mate." He said it as a statement not a question and looked pretty defeated.

"I don't really believe in soul mates. I believe that there's someone out there for everyone, but I think that for some people there's more then one person."

He didn't say anything for a while just looked down at his hands, so I got up making him push over a little bit on his bed and sat up next to him. "I was scared," he finally said after I picked up his hand in mine.

"We were all scared Justin...Well at least your mother and I were."

"No," he shook his head and finally looked at me, "That's not what I mean. I was scared because I loved you so much. When Jake died, I remember you saying it hurt so bad because you loved him with every piece of you and you would yell at me and say I couldn't understand because I've never felt like that before, and you were right. But then I felt it and I got scared."

"Justin," I didn't mean to actually say anything out loud but it came out as a whisper.

"I was scared that I'd lose you. Scared that I'd fuck up. Scared that I'd never live up to Jake. But instead of telling you all this I blamed you for something you didn't even do. Em I'm so sorry. It took Chloe dying for me to realize how short life is and how fucked up what I did to you was and I'm just so sorry."

I turned my whole body so that I was now facing him instead of the wall in front of us forcing him to look up at me, "I never wanted you to be Jake. I just want you to be Justin. I'm not looking to replace him because he can't be replaced. I will always love Jake, but that doesn't mean I can't love you too. And I do...I love you Justin so much, and I don't know how or why it happened but it did. And maybe...God maybe I wasn't ready before, maybe you were right and you just didn't know it--"

"You were ready," he said cutting me off, "You were just scared too. Scared that I'd hurt you or leave you and I did both of those things and I will never forgive myself for it. But you just left Em. You walked out the door and didn't turn back like you didn't even care. You didn't function for months with Jake and with me you were over it with the snap of a finger, and that tore me apart. Even now...you are the most emotional person I know and you're looking at me like this is having absolutely no effect on your life."

"You are the most inconsistent person I know Justin! I cry and you tell me to be strong, I don't cry and you tell me I should be sobbing...What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to love me like you loved him..." he looked at me with a pool of tears in his eyes, for the first time in his life questioning if he'd ever be good enough.

I got off of the bed and stood in front of it waiting for him to really look at me and pay attention. When I saw a tear slide down his cheek I began speaking in what I hoped came off as a calm tone, "You need to quit comparing yourself to him. You are not Jake, you are Justin Timberlake. When I'm with you I'm not wishing you were him, I'm not even thinking about him. I love you Justin," I said pushing my finger so hard into my chest where my heart sat over and over again that it began to hurt, "I'm in love with you...With everything about you. I can sit here for hours and give you a million reason why if you want me to." He didn't say anything, just cocked his head to the side and smirked. "Fine, I'll give you reasons," I moved back over to the bed sitting on the edge with one leg under me and the other hanging off the side facing him. "I love that while your trying to think about how your going to answer a question you look down and rub the sides of your mouth. And I love that when you don't want to get yourself in trouble by saying something stupid you stutter until you come up with a better response. I love how when we're sitting next to each other on the couch you'll put your arm on the top of the cushions and slowly move it down onto my shoulders. And when you laugh...like really laugh hard you scrunch up your nose and cover your mouth," he let out a soft chuckle as he picked up my hand in his. "And I especially love when you fall asleep and hold me close to you and I can feel your breath on my neck, it comforts me. Or how about when you kiss me, right before you back away you swipe your tongue across my bottom lip. Do you want me to keep going? Because I will."

He shook his head and looked down at my hand in his, "Why didn't you put up a fight? Why did you just leave?"

"I don't know why to be honest. All I know is that I felt strangely calm about the whole thing, like if it was meant to be it will be. I knew fighting with you about it would only hurt both of us more and I didn't want that, but it wasn't because I didn't love you. If I didn't love you I wouldn't have dropped everything to be here with you when your mother called me, and I certainly wouldn't have put up with you being so damn annoying at the office. If there is anyone in this world that knows about losing people and how to deal with it, well then that person is me. And it just...it didn't feel like I was losing you. For over a year I've been scared to lose you and if there's one thing you've taught me it's that you're not going anywhere and I knew that."

"You really do love me Logan," he smiled bringing my hand up to his lips.

"I really do love you..."

"Give me ten more reasons why."

I slapped his shoulder and felt a thousand pounds come off my back when I saw a smile appear on his face and heard him laugh for real for the first time since we broke up. "I'll tell you what I don't love. I don't love when you lay on the couch by yourself and I walk in the room and your hand is down your pants and your scratching your balls while you're watching Sport's Center."

He gasped, putting his hand that was still in a cast over his heart, "But I thought you said you loved everything about me!"

"I lied?" I shrugged my shoulders while he pulled me towards him, "Careful there Sparky, pull to hard and you might break this arm too."

His lips grazed mine and I felt a chill go down my spine. He let go of my hand and I wrapped my arm around his neck while his went around my back. I could feel his breath on my lips and for a few seconds I savored the moment not even wanting to kiss him, but after a few moments passed I leaned in to feel his lips on mine. I imagined that it might feel a little different, but it didn't. It still felt like the most amazing thing ever in life, and I smiled against his lips before I backed away. "I'm sorry for hurting you Em," he whispered running his hand down my cheek.

"I know you are...And I forgive you."

"What would Butch have to say about this?" he laughed leaning his back on the pillow behind him.

"You're never going to let me live that down are you?"

"I doubt it."

***

I've heard about 10 people say that funerals are a celebration of life today. I for one do not agree. Funeral's are the most heart wrenching things ever and no one should be celebrating the fact that a seven year old who was sick the last 2 years of her life has died. It sounds awful to say out loud but that's how I feel. I've been to too many funerals in my short life but this one was the worst one I've ever seen.

Sitting sandwiched in between Justin and Robin I watched a tiny coffin get rolled down the aisle and listened to so many people talk about a little girl that I had grown so close to and loved so much in the very short amount of time I knew her. I spaced out at one point thinking about everything that I had done from the age of seven up until today and how much Chloe will never experience and it's just not right. I snapped back to reality when I felt a crutch that was leaning up against my leg move and saw Justin hobbling up to the pulpit to speak. He didn't have anything written down, said he was going to just speak from his heart and after leaning his crutches up against the wall he brushed invisible dust off of this black suit and started speaking.

"People are sometimes shocked to find out that I hate public speaking," he started clearing his throat as he looked at the wall in the back of the room. "So when I was asked to speak today I wanted to say no, but I knew I had to do it for Chloe because I knew she would do it for me. All I can tell you about Chlo is that without her I would not be here today. She was the happiest, strongest, most fun loving person I've ever met in my life and I've met a lot of people." He looked down at his cast and I saw him rub the spot where Chloe signed her name and drew a music note before he looked back up with tears in his eyes. "I looked to Chloe, a seven year old, for strength when I was going through the worst time of my life and I got it from her. If I could have died for her to give her the chance to experience everything that she should have, and to make an even bigger impact on this world then she already did then I would have. She is my hero and I can only hope that someday I can be half as good of a person as she was." He reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper, opening it and smoothing it out on the marble in front of him. "The only way I really know how to express myself is by writing lyrics, and since Chloe always made me sing to her before our visits ended I thought that I should probably do that now. I uh...I would normally play the guitar or something but that's kind of impossible at this point," he said lifting up his arm letting out a nervous laugh. A small chuckle broke out in the congregation and he looked up at me letting out a breath. "So I'm just going to do this I guess. This is for you Chlo." He hopped back a couple of steps from the microphone holding onto the railings on each side of him and began singing the song that he wrote for her in less then an hour acapella"

"When I think back on these times
And the dreams we left behind
I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get to have you in my life

When I look back on these days
I look and see your face
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

You know you showed me how it feels
To feel the sky within my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me

Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am there you'll be

'Cause I always saw in you my light my strength
And I want to thank you now for all the ways
You were right there for me, you were right there for me always

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life
I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there you'll be
And everywhere I am, there you'll be

There you'll be"

He made it through the whole song without crying, but as he made his way back to sit down he lost it along with everyone else in the room, and the minute he was next to me he put his head on my shoulder and sobbed harder then I've ever seen him before in my life.