November 2010

I sat on the floor to zip up the last piece of luggage in sight, looking around the room I let out a satisfied breath and took in the silence only to be interrupted two seconds later by an ear-piercing scream. I knew it wouldn't last too long. Squeezing my eyes shut and putting my hands over my ears I screamed down the hall, "In here Ma!" Having a minute to myself has been a rare commodity lately, and I kicked myself for even thinking that I might have one today. Ma barged through the door looking at me like she was about to go crazy and I almost picked up the phone to call the loony bin, but I reached out for the screaming child in her arms instead, "Come here Ava, before you send your grandma to an institution." Crossing my legs indian style under me I put the six month old in my lap holding onto her back to keep her upright putting a wet kiss on her cheek. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and I couldn't help smiling before picking her up and throwing her gently in the air turning her sobbing into laughter.

"Don't do that Emsie, she'll spit up..."

"Would you rather her spit up or scream in your ear?"

"These are new carpets."

"Alright, alright," I said putting the baby over my shoulder before standing up. I placed a kiss on my mothers cheek before making my way out of the room, "I'll throw her in the air in the living room where there's hardwood floors!"

"EMILY! My new couches come on..."

"I'm kidding Ma! Calm down..." I put Ava in her swing in the living room then made my way to the kitchen putting my now cold cup of tea in the microwave.

"Where's Justin?" she asked throwing herself onto a chair at the table.

"Last time I checked he was packing up the car, but that was over an hour ago so I'm going to assume he took a joy ride somewhere, probably to the golf course, to avoid helping."

"I don't like this Emily. It just...It doesn't feel right."

I hissed shaking my finger confirming for the millionth time sticking your finger in something to see if it's hot enough isn't really the right thing to do, then took my cup and sat at the table across from her. "It's time to leave the nest Ma and you know it."

"But both of you?"

"You know we'll come back to visit. I've been gone for close to a year and it's almost like I never left because I'm here so much."

Shaking her head she looked up when she heard the front door open and close, "I just don't think he's ready for it."

Ava screamed but this time it was pure joy coming out of her mouth and I heard Justin laugh as he unhooked her from her seat. "He has to start over Ma. Staying here, the place where the mother of his child just up and left him leaving the kid behind, he's going to go crazy. He can't do it alone and as much as you want to help him you know that you can't do everything that he needs. Justin and I are in LA, the company is in LA he needs to be there so that we can help him and he can move on."

"This is Trace we're talking about Emily...He's going to get caught up in the hustle and bustle of LA and you know it."

"He's a father now," I said standing up to take my niece out of Justin's arms, "Come sit with Aunty Em Ava, and tell grandma that your daddy is going to be just fine in the big city. Because he will be," I emphasized looking up at my mother who was still shaking her head.

"You know...every time you say Aunty Em I see a Yellow Brick Road in my head," Justin laughed from the cabinet as he pulled out his own mug dropping a tea bag in the hot water, "She should call you something else...like...Aunty Shelly. Yeah, Aunty Shelly."

"Ava can you please tell Uncle Justin to shut his mouth before I shut it for him?"

"Why would she call you Aunty Shelly?"

"See what you did now?" I glared at Justin, "Couldn't just keep it to yourself now could you?"

"What fun would that be?" he asked kissing my forehead as he sat down in the chair next to me. "Tell Aunty Shelly she shouldn't be ashamed of her past munchkin."

"Why is he calling you Shelly?"

"Just...forget it Ma. Look the point is this...Trace is going to be fine he's a big boy, and we'll be there to help him. You can come visit whenever you want and I'm sure he'll be home more often then you think because I don't cook nearly as good as you do."

"I just don't understand why he's calling you Shelly."

Justin nearly spit the tea that he just put in his mouth out when he broke into a fit of laughter causing Ava to turn her head and start laughing at him. I rolled my eyes handing the baby to Ma and got up putting the mug in the dishwasher and started making my way towards the bedroom to get the luggage when Trace walked in. "Ma thinks your going to die in LA and I can't convince her otherwise, and your best friend is about to be in the dog house for the rest of his life if he doesn't learn how to shut his mouth so you might want to go control them before we take off," I said passing by him.

"I leave for 10 minutes and all hell breaks loose?"

"Clearly you are the glue that holds this family together Trace."

"Juanitoooooo," I heard Justin yell from the kitchen causing a smile to form on my face. I just can't stay mad at that fucker for long...

***

We've come a long way in the past year. It took Justin two months of rehab to get back on his feet, and just a few months later Bri gave birth to my niece Ava Marie Ayala. Once I saw that the child was the spitting image of my brother I no longer had any doubts that the baby was actually his. I had moved in with Justin in LA before the baby was born but we came home for a few weeks once we got the news that she had arrived. About three weeks after she was born Trace and I went to a family gathering leaving Bri and Justin alone with Ava, and came back three hours later to Bri standing at the front door with her bags packed. Apparently she tried to make a move on Justin and he wasn't having it so she informed Trace of what her intentions were all along; she was with him to get close to Justin and now that she knew that wasn't going to happen she no longer had any use for him or for their child, and she left. Just walked out the door like nothing ever happened.

I thought Trace would be heartbroken, and in a way he was but not nearly as much as one would think. He was angry and scared because who wouldn't be when all of a sudden it was their job to take care of a newborn by themselves. We stayed in Tennessee for a while helping Trace get back on his feet, which he did rather quickly, and I was able to take the final baby step in my recovery process. We stayed at my house, more specifically in my bedroom that I once shared with Jake, and I made it out alive.

Somehow we turned into one big happy messed up family and leaving to go back to California was one of the hardest things ever, but it was nice to know that not soon after Trace and Ava would be coming out to. My brother has turned into someone I do not know, but I'm so proud of him. He's taken on the role of Daddy and he's doing a great job at it. He's no longer out partying until 3 in the morning and instead of going out to buy bottles of Jack every night he's out buying formula and reading nursery rhymes to his daughter. Deep down I know that it's really taking a toll on him though especially since he's basically doing it alone, so I'll feel better about the situation once he comes to live with us and I can take some of the burden off of him. 

Justin and I have settled into a really nice normal routine. I can't express how happy it makes me to know that I now have a sense of normalcy again. I come home from work everyday knowing that when I go to bed at night he'll be next to me and it's so refreshing to love someone again and know that I'm loved in return. The "stupid facebook movie" as Trace likes to call it, that he filmed while he was sick hit theaters last month and to say it took off is an understatement. He's been doing press everyday and people are actually accepting him in the acting world. He is happy...We are happy.

"What are you doing in here?" I looked up from where I was laying on the floor of Trace's old room to see Justin in the doorway. I smiled as he walked over to lie down next to me.

"Just thinkin'."

"That's never a good thing..."

"Nice asshole," I laughed hitting him in the stomach. He picked up my hand kissing the inside of it before lacing his fingers with mine. "This room use to be so much bigger."

"Yeah...When we were five."

"We've come a long ass way..."

We sat there for a while not saying anything and I listened to everything going on around me. The wind blowing softly outside, and the crunch of the leaves on the ground every time someone walked by. In the living room I heard Ava's toy teddy bear singing the ABC's and every now and then she'd shriek with laughter followed soon after by Trace laughing at her. The last time I sat in this room and actually thought about anything was the day I found out how my parents were killed, and I can tell you now that there was no way in hell I thought I'd be where I am today then. This is where I grew up...This was my childhood and after all these years of saying I had no home, and my childhood was ruined I'm finally realizing that it was here all along. "The police just called," I shot back to life turning my head to look at him with a confused face. He cleared his throat and continued to look up at the plastic glow in the dark stars that were on the ceiling because Trace was afraid of the dark as a kid, "They have the guy."

"What guy?"

"The one who hit Jake," he said squeezing my hand.

A chill ran down my spine and the breath that I was taking got stuck in my throat. "It's been two years..."

"They said he turned himself in after they ran that story on the news last week. Charged him with manslaughter."

"Good," I said brushing a tear away, "I hope he rots in jail." We sat for a while longer until I cleared my throat and sat up, "I should call his parents..."

"They're in the kitchen."

I stood up brushing the back of my jeans off and took a deep breath. When I looked down Justin was still lying on the floor looking up at me with a smile on his face, "I love you," I whispered kneeling down to kiss him.

When I pulled away he licked his lips and smirked causing me to smile even though I didn't want to, "I love you too Emmy."

~

We've stayed close, Jake's parents and I. One time I called them my second family and then realized that in reality they're like my third family but that's beside the point. I talk to his mother on the phone almost as often as I talk to my own, but seeing them is a totally different story. It's still hard for me to look at them because I see so much of Jake in them, and I can tell it's hard for them to see me too. I threw my shoulders back before making my way into the kitchen for some reason trying to prove to them that I'm stronger about this then I actually am. "Emily!" Cat shouted, jumping out of her seat to scoop me up in a hug, "It's so good to see you sweetie."

"You too," I replied leaning over the table to kiss Michael on the cheek. I was uncomfortable and the fact that you could hear a pin drop wasn't helping the situation at all.

"So...Did Justin tell you?" he asked looking down at the table.

I noticed him playing with a crumb still not able to look me in the eye. "Yeah, he just did. What happens now?"

"Well...they charged him with manslaughter so now they have to pick a jury and figure out sentencing."

I looked up from my hands at both of them, Michael had his hand over Cat's on the table and they were both looking down at that, tears in there eyes. I looked over to Ma sitting next to me and she put her hand on my head combing through my hair, one of the only things that use to soothe me as a child knowing that I was about to break. "I don't want to see him." In my head the words came out a lot louder then they actually did.

"What's that sweetheart?"

I slammed my hands on the table pushing my chair back and standing up. Trying to be strong and actually being strong are two different things, and even though I've learned how to be stronger then I use to be some things just were not as easy to deal with. "I said I don't want to see him," I screamed punching the table as I did. "I know I sound like a huge bitch but I just...I can't do this anymore!" I took off, hearing the chair I was sitting in slam on the ground as I ran down the hallway towards the stairs plowing through Justin who was staring at me shocked on my way. I went straight for the string to pull down the attic stairs and ran up them so fast I'm not sure how I didn't fall, and I wasted no time unlocking the window to the roof and stepping outside. Slowing down I walked to the edge and stood there for a while willing the tears that were about to drop from my eyes to go away.

I was happy that they found the guy, and happy that he was going to pay for what he did. For the life that he cut short, and for all the pain that he caused to so many people, but I just can't go back and relive it anymore. I stood and stood and stood until my legs were shaking so bad I couldn't stand anymore so I sat down hanging my legs over the side of the roof. "You sure know how to cause a scene," I heard Trace say behind me.

"Go away..."

Ignoring me as always, he sat down next to me and layed back with his hands behind his head and his legs that were hanging off the roof crossed at the ankles, "There's a tent to the left of that big oak tree..."

"I'm not doing this," I said throwing a small pebble that was sitting next to me. I watched it fly through the air until I couldn't see it anymore and let out a heavy sigh.

"An elephant right above your head..."

I looked up instinctually spotting the cloud instantly. "This is stupid." I felt him tug on the back of my shirt so I gave in and layed back on the roof.

"It almost looks like a wave it about to take the elephant out."

"Okay okay I get it. I need to calm down..."

"What's with the explosion?"

"I just can't do it anymore. I don't know how to explain it...This whole situation has consumed my life for the past two years." I shook my head looking up at the sky trying to figure out how to deal with everything that was going on. "Things are finally getting back to normal. I'm finally content again and having to see this guy...it's just going to make every emotion resurface again and I can't handle that." 

"If you don't want to see him Em, you don't have to...but you can handle it. You're the strongest person I know--"

"No I'm not. I'm an emotional wreck, and I cry every five seconds."

"I can't even remember the last time I saw you cry, and don't ever say you're not strong. Who was the one that was there for Justin when he was sick and when Chloe died? You were. And who was there for Jake's parents when he died, and for everything that happened after that? Every fundraiser, memorial mass, interview...it was you. And I don't know how I'd be sane right now if it weren't for you helping me through everything that happened with Bri, not to mention Ava wouldn't be half the person she is if it weren't for you..."

"I was only able to do that because of Justin."

"That's not true at all. Sure he helped you become the person that you are today, but you being able to handle everything that has come your way is not because of Justin. You've been through hell and back...twice and you've come out stronger because of it. Most people don't even survive it the first time. If you don't want to see him then that's fine...but don't say you can't do it, because you can do anything you set your mind to."

"I'm at the point now where I want to remember Jake and all of the good times. I don't want to dwell on the past, or think about that night anymore. It sounds so selfish but I just don't want anything to come between me and my happiness again. I can't let that happen."

"It's not selfish Em."

"I just don't want them to hate me," I sighed sitting up holding my legs close to my chest. "I know they think that I moved on too quickly, and I don't want to hurt them anymore then they already are..."

"Sometimes," he started but paused briefly almost as if he was trying to make sure the words came out the right way. "At some point...you have to stop caring about what other people think, and just do what's best for you. It's not about making other people happy."

"They're going to hate me..."

"They're family. They won't hate you."

"You know," I said craning my neck to look back at him lying on the roof, "It's always shocking to me when you make sense."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Thanks Trace Face," I stood up only to lean down to kiss him on the cheek, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Fall apart," he yelled as I walked back towards the window, "Because I'm the glue that holds this family together."

I let out a soft laugh and shook my head as I walked back down to the kitchen, this time actually feeling as strong as the way I pretended to feel before. Pa had joined everyone at the table, and patted my head like a dog as I sat down next to him, "Feeling better darlin'?"

"Yeah. Sorry I freaked out on you guys...I just--"

"We understand," Cat cut me off finally looking at me and I was left with my mouth hanging open and my brows furrowed at her. "We feel the same way Emily. Things are finally getting back to normal and seeing this man that did this to us...We don't want to see him either."

"You don't?" I questioned, shocked that they felt this way.

"That's what we came here to tell you sweetie. I...We know that you've moved on and it may come off like we're not happy for you or that we don't approve but that's just the farthest thing from the truth. In a way we've moved on too, and like you we don't want to bring back all those feelings again."

"See...Told you it'd be fine," Trace said punching me in the shoulder as he walked by me. I turned to punch him back but he was too far away so like the mature adult that I am I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Real nice Shelly...What would Butch say about that?"

"Whyyyyyyyy is everyone calling you Shelly?" Ma asked, clearly annoyed that she's not in on the nickname.

"I hate both of you," I replied pointing to Trace then to Justin who was now standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "When we get to LA both of you can fend for yourselves." I spoke with Jake's parents for about an hour before getting up to kiss Cat and Michael goodbye then made my way to the bedroom to bring the last piece of luggage to the car.

When I walked back in the house I took in its scent, knowing that I wouldn't be back here as often anymore now that Trace would be living with us. This is what home smells like, I thought to myself as I walked through the living room and sat down on the floor with my family to play with my niece. Justin drooped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me close to him placing a soft kiss on my temple and I smiled warmly against his neck wrapping my arms around his torso as I watched Ava try to roll over onto her belly. When she finally threw her leg over and successfully completed the task at hand we all erupted into applause like we were at a sporting event. Justin ran his fingers through my hair and I placed my head on his shoulder, and I smiled my first genuine smile in a very very long time.