It's been three months since I've managed to become a permanent houseguest at Justin's. He took me there after that day at the cemetery and I haven't left since. He hasn't asked me when I'm going to go back home, or how much longer I'm going to be shacking up at his place, he just kind of lets me be. About a month after I set up shop in his guestroom Justin had to go back out and finish up his tour, but this time Trace stayed back in Tennessee because apparently they both felt like I needed a babysitter. I managed to move from my bedroom to the living room every morning, and Trace and I would watch old reruns of Boy Meets World, and The Nanny before catching up on our daytime talk shows. We'd talk all day but Jake was never a topic of conversation.

Justin came home a week before Christmas after he wrapped his tour and things felt somewhat normal. Living in a house with my brother and his best friend somehow turned into something that made me feel safe. I was unable to step foot out of the house for fear of the unknown. Would I be able to go on with everyday life without Jake here? I no longer knew what it was like without him since we had been together for so long. I also didn't want people coming up to me and apologizing, or looking at me with pity in their eyes. Those were just things that I couldn't handle right now.

Without even being asked Justin offered to host Christmas at his house this year, probably because he, and everyone else knew that I wouldn't be leaving to go celebrate anywhere else. Not that I'd be celebrating here, but I was beginning to realize that people were getting really upset and worried about my state of mind, so it would be nice to let them know that I don't actually belong in a mental institution. When the day arrived, people came into the house not really knowing what to expect from me. I tried really hard to plaster a smile on my face for the whole day, and for the most part that worked, but when I turned around after dessert and saw my brother kissing his girlfriend under the mistletoe I could feel myself about to lose it. I excused myself from the table making sure I didn't make eye contact with anyone and proceeded directly to my room. I laid down on the bed, curled up in a ball and held my extra pillow close to my chest willing myself not to cry.

Not too long after I heard the door squeak open and a weight settle down on the bottom of my king size bed. "Want me to kill Trace?"

"It's not his fault," I said stuffing my face in the pillow, "I thought I was ready, but I guess not."

"There is one thing I know for a fact. I learned it at a very young age and it's stuck with me my entire life..."

I took my head out of the pillow and looked up at Justin furrowing my brows at him, "Are you going to tell me or did you just come in here to hang something over my head?"

A crooked smile formed on his face, and he let out a small chuckled before he turned around to look at me. "It's always Trace's fault."

I couldn't help but let out a little laugh, "Where were you when I was ten and getting grounded every 5 minutes?"

"Let's see when I was ten I was on this show, I'm not sure if you've heard of it, called the Mickey Mouse Club."

"Oh right...I forgot about that stupid little show. That's the one where all the confused boys and girls rub up against each other to figure out which gender they like the best, while singing and dancing and pretending to have talent right?"

"That's the one."

"So just to clarify, was that before or after you decided to jump around on stage like a caged animal with four other guys humping you from behind for seven years?"

"I believe that was before the dry humping," he replied with a pensive look on his face, "Yes, definitely before the dry humping."

Somehow I managed to let out a loud laugh straight from my gut and soon Justin had joined in with me. For the first time in three months I threw a dig at him, and we were somehow going back to the old Emily and Justin, except this time neither one of us wanted to kill each other. I sat up on the bed putting the pillow I was cuddling behind my head, "He proposed to me on Christmas," I said looking down at the ring that still sat on my left hand.

Justin got off of the bed and moved from the foot of the bed to the top and sat down next to me folding his hands in his lap. "How'd he do it?"

I closed my eyes and pictured the scene in my head. "He woke me up really early and it took everything in me to not punch him in the gut. Christmas was his favorite holiday, and he was like a kid when it came to opening presents at the ass crack of dawn. It took me a few minutes to actually function, and when I brought my hands up to my face to get all the little crusties out of my eyes my hand felt heavy. Needless to say it didn't take me quite as long to wake up as it usually does. He told me how much he loved me, and told me he couldn't live without me, and then asked me to be his wife." I smiled as I remembered the butterflies that were in my stomach and just pure happiness that came over me when I said yes. "It was a feeling that I can't even describe to you. To know that this person that you love with every piece of you loves you that much back, it's the greatest feeling you can ever experience...Nothing is ever perfect, but in that moment it feels like nothing could ever go wrong again."

I opened my eyes and reality set in again. That happiness, that feeling of perfection, it was all taken away and I was suddenly overcome with utter sadness and could no longer hold the tears that were fighting to come out all day back. Justin unfolded his hands and put one of them on top of mine as I laid my head on his shoulder. He tilted his head so that his cheek was resting on the top of my head and squeezed my hand. "When is this pain going to go away?" I asked him.

"I don't know Em. It may never go away, but I hear it will get easier to deal with as time goes on."

"It's like someone ripped my chest open and took my heart out, but somehow I've managed to stay alive. I don't want to feel like this anymore...I just want him back so that I can feel whole again."

"He's not coming back," he said matter of factly and I gasped as the statement almost took my breath away. "I know that's hard to hear, and you can hate me all you want for saying it, but he's not coming back Emily. You can grieve, and you can yell and scream and get angry at whoever you want to get angry at, but that won't bring him back. I'm not telling you to move on and pretend like he never existed, but you need to quit acting like he's going to magically appear in front of you because it's not going to happen."

"You don't know that," I said angrily pushing him away from me, "You have no right...no right Justin."

"I do know that! And so do you. He's dead Emily...he's gone--"

"SHUT UP!"

"He is gone. He's not coming back, and I have every right..."

"No you don't!"

"I DO!" He screamed holding my shoulders, "You've been living in my house for three fucking months. I've watched you walk around with a blank stare on your face passing me in the hall and not even knowing you went by me, and I've heard you screaming in the middle of the night every night when you have nightmares.  You haven't talked about him since he's died until today. It's all bottled up inside of you, and you don't want to let it out because you're afraid if you do it will all be real. Well guess what...it is real, and it's time to deal with it."

"I have been dealing with it," I replied with my teeth clenched and my fists ready to attack him, "I've been dealing with it every fucking day. You have no clue what this is like, you have no--"

"You're right," he interrupted me, "I have no clue what this is like. I've never lost someone that I've loved with every piece of me...I've also never loved someone with every piece of me. But what I do know is you can't do this forever. I can't let you do this forever, and I know how strong you are. I know that you can get through this Emmy--"

"I told you not to fucking call me that...don't fucking call me that," I said punching him in the stomach.

He grabbed my wrists the same way he did at the hospital to prevent me from punching him any further and he looked me dead in the eyes, "You can do this, I know for a fact that you can..."

"How do you know?"

"I know because I'm going to help you."

Most people would take that last statement and be appreciative of the person that said it, but not me. I don't know if I got angry because of the state I was in or if hearing him say that just made me angry in general, "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?" He said releasing my wrists when he realized I wasn't on a rampage any longer.

"Why are you being nice to me? Why do you want to help me? You've hated me my entire life, we've done nothing but fight since I was three years old and now all of a sudden you're acting like my best friend."

"I never hated you Em. You're my best friends little sister, it was my job to pick on you. Just like it's my job to care about you and take care of you when you need me."

"I'm not his little sister...we're the same age," I responded not really knowing what else to say as I wasn't expecting that to be is answer.

"Okay I'm sorry, but that's not the point."

"Then why is it always awkward with us? We've barley even talked until today."

"I didn't think you wanted to talk, but I knew you would when you were ready. And I know that you knew I would be here to listen when you were. If I hated you, there's no way you would have been living in my house for the past three months."

I leaned back on the pillow behind me again realizing that he was right. We never really hated each other we just picked on each other every moment of everyday we were together. "I don't think I'm ready," I finally said a few minutes later.

"I think you're ready."

"I just feel like if I move on, I'll lose him forever and he'll think that I don't love him anymore."

"You know he'll always be with you, and he knows how much you love him. I'm not saying go find a man and get married tomorrow, I'm just telling you to leave this house and breathe in some outside air. Figure out a way to deal with it while still being productive. Baby steps."

"Are you kicking me out?" I asked fearing his answer was going to be yes.

"I'm not kicking you Em. I haven't eaten this good since I moved out of my Mama's house...But I am giving you you're Blackberry back and after the New Year I am going to make you start working again."

"I guess that's fair," I replied looking up at the door that now had some commotion on the other side of it.

"You guess that's fair? I don't know how to run a company Emily. Everyone is lost without you."

"Does that mean I'm getting a raise?" I looked up at him with my eyebrows raised.

"Nice try, I'm not that nice."

"Eh, it was worth a shot," I said smiling.

Justin got up off the bed and held out his hand for me, "Let's go open presents."

"You can go open presents...I'm staying here."

"Baby steps Em," he said giving me a sideways glance.

I let out a breath and took his hand allowing him to help me off the bed, and as I stood up he wrapped his arms around me giving me a hug, and it was at that point that I decided to turn over a new leaf. I was going to get the help I needed and attempt to overcome the biggest obstacle of my life, with the help of the one person in the world that I'd never in my life imagined would be there for me. I backed out of our hug, and Justin put his arm out for me to take, and we walked arm in arm towards the door. He reached to turn the handle and I yelled for him to wait. "Is the offer still on the table for you to kill Trace?"

"Sure is," he said with a laugh.

"Can you get on that?"

"It would be my pleasure my lady."