There was a knock at the door but I didn't have it in me to say come in or get out. "Em?" I heard Justin say as the door squeaked open. He walked over to me still holding the pillow in my arms with my nose on top of it taking in the last of Jake's scent. Kneeling down in front of me he put his hands on my knees and looked up at the tears that were still falling at least an hour after they had started. "Talk to me," he said in almost a whisper.

What did he want me to say? Did he want me to thank him for taking me here and making me feel like this again? Did he want me to yell at him, get mad and break my promise again? I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't even find my voice and he wanted to have a conversation with me. Sometimes I want to smack him across the head and knock some sense into him. But instead of doing that I just shook my head, not really knowing what other options I had. He sat down next to me on the bed and I wanted to push him off, and scream at him for sitting somewhere that was meant for Jake but I didn't because I couldn't. "I always fought with him for buying this cheap cologne, and now I'd give anything to smell it everyday again," I finally managed to say. "I fought with him that day..."

"What day?"

"The day you and Trace came over. He took the day off of work, and I yelled at him because he didn't tell me until that day and I wanted time to catch up with Trace alone. So before you came he scheduled a couple of appointments just to let me have my way as always. I made him go to that house. I should have just appreciated the fact that he was trying to do something nice for me, but instead I yelled at him and made him go to work. If I wasn't so selfish..."

"It's not your fault."

"It all fault Justin. I made him go. If I had just kept my mouth shut he would have never left this house, and that car would have never hit him and he'd still be here. And I'd have more then this pillow to remind me of him. He's dead and it's all my fault."

He took me by my shoulders and spun me around to face him, "Listen to me right now Emily Logan," he said sternly, "You were not driving that car. You did not kill him do you understand me?"

"I made him go. I did that...not the idiot driving the car."

"I know this isn't what you want to hear, but everything happens for a reason Em."

"Oh yeah," I said angrily looking up at him, "Then tell me what the reason is..."

"I don't know what the reason is yet. Maybe it happened when it did so that you weren't alone. Or maybe the next day Jake was going to get really sick and you'd find out he was dying, and this way he didn't have to suffer. I'm not saying these are the answers; there are no answers right now. But someday there will be."

"I just can't handle this," I said feeling utterly defeated, "The only way I can deal with it is by not thinking about it. By not seeing things that remind me of him, and pretending like he never existed. Because if I think about it or I'm reminded of him I can't function because I can't imagine a life without him."

"When you think of him what do you think about?"

I laid back on the bed still clutching the pillow to my chest and looked up at the ceiling forcing myself to think about him. "I think about that day. The look on Trace's face when he handed me the phone. I think about the doctor and how he had no emotion when he told me that the love of my life was dead. I think about how he looked in the casket, and how everyone kept saying they were sorry but didn't really mean it. I think about how I'll never be able to hold his hand again, and how he'll never mess up my hair again while I'm eating breakfast before work. I'm never going to hear his voice again, and I'll never get to be his wife. I'll never feel warm when someone hugs me like I did with him, and we'll never have kids together like he wanted so badly. I'm never going to see him again and it scares the shit out of me because I honestly don't think I can do it without him..."

"How'd you guys meet?" Justin asked lying back next to me disregarding everything I had just said.

I managed to smile thinking about the first time Jake and I had actually spoken to each other. He sat a few rows behind me in my PR class freshman year of college and I'd find myself turning around every now and then to look at him, however we didn't meet until a few weeks into the semester when I literally ran into him in the dining hall. "I spilled cheddar and broccoli soup all over him in the dining hall at U of M. I was actually on the phone with Trace trying to get him to quit following you around and come to school with me when I ran into him. The rest is history I guess."

"What'd he get you for your first birthday he spent with you?"

"I still have it," I said laughing. I got up off the bed and went into my closet that had far less clothes in it then the last time I was in here. I got up on my tiptoes and reached for the pink box that was sitting on the top shelf. Placing the box on the bed I opened the lid and threw everything that was on top on the bed until I reached what I wanted. "He went to LA to visit his cousin on spring break and brought this back for my birthday," I said holding up a fake Emmy with a plague that read "World's Best Girlfriend" on the bottom. "I don't remember him ever calling me anything other then Emmy, so it was actually quite fitting. Trace got mad that he didn't get me something more expensive, but that didn't matter to me. The meaning behind this is worth more then any amount of money in the world. Everything he did had a purpose. He didn't buy me things just to say he bought me something, it always had an explanation. He was more then any girl could ever dream of. He made me feel so special. It sounds so cliché but he really did make me feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world."

"The dude got you a fake Emmy and all of a sudden he's prince charming..." he laughed.

"Shut up Justin!" I replied punching his shoulder.

We sat on my bed going through the box that was filled with little things that Jake had gotten me over the years. I explained each gift to Justin and the meaning behind it all. We laughed at some of them, like the ring made of string that I got when we went camping for a week and didn't think we'd survive. Justin made fun of me for most of them, but I knew deep down inside he understood. The last thing I pulled out was the box that held my engagement ring the day he proposed. It was shaped like a music note because music was such a huge part of my life, and it was also a good way to disguise what was actually inside when he mistakenly left it on the nightstand the night before he slipped the ring on my finger. Had it been just a normal jewelry box, I'm sure I would have opened it, but for some reason I didn't think anything of it sitting there. Justin and I sat there talking for hours. Every now and then I'd lay on my stomach holding myself up with my elbows and tell stories for a long time, and sometimes I'd lie on my back and close my eyes trying to picture the day I was describing.

"Now let me ask you a question," he said after one of our many laughing fits.

"Shoot," I replied throwing a super ball at him.

"Why don't you ever think of this stuff?" He threw the ball back at me and I continued playing catch with him while leaning up against the headboard of the bed with my legs crossed under me.

"I don't know. I guess...It makes me feel kind of happy to think about those things and I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because he's dead."

"You realize that's a ridiculous answer right?" I shrugged my shoulders at him, but continued to throw the ball back and forth in an attempt to avoid another meltdown. "Jake loved you Em. He'd want you to be happy."

"I know," I replied catching the ball and holding it in my hands, "I miss him Justin. I miss him so much."

"It's okay to miss him...what's not okay is to not think about him to avoid dealing with it. Doing that leads to drunken nights with men named Butch."

"It pains me to say this but you're right," I said throwing the ball hard at his head. He managed to catch it and threw his hands in the air in victory.

"Score one for Timberlake!" He yelled before jumping up on the bed doing a victory dance. I attempted to kick his legs but he strategically caught my legs in his hand and continued to act like a five year old before plopping back down on the bed. "So do you get why I took you here?" he asked after a while.

"Yessssssss," I replied reluctantly, "You took me here to teach me a lesson. I get it."

"You mad at me Logan?"

"I promised I wouldn't be, so no."

"You ready to go home?" he asked.

I looked around my room and realized that I was no longer crying, and I didn't even feel like crying anymore. I thought about the good times I've had in this room and put all the bad ones in the way back of my mind. This was my home. "I think I want to stay here tonight," I said after a few minutes of pondering the thought. 

"You do?" He asked surprised by my answer. I nodded my head knowing that this was something else that I needed to overcome. Another baby step that I needed to get out of the way. "You'll call if you need anything right?"

"I never in a billion years thought I'd ever ask you this question, and it sounds so wrong but...will you stay with me?" I squinted one eye shut afraid of his reaction to the question.

"That does sound very...very wrong, but yes I will stay with you."

"Thanks Justin...for everything I don't know how I'd get through all this without you. I don't know what made you decide to help me, but whatever it was I'm grateful for."

"Me too," he said looking down at his hands. It was a statement that kind of confused me, but I took it with a grain of salt, "I'll see you in the morning Em." He leaned over and gave me a hug before walking out of the room. I just asked Justin Timberlake to sleep over at my house...so gross...so, so gross.

*** 

I stayed at my house that night two months ago, and returned to Justin's the next day after work. I was ready to spend a night in the house that I refused to step foot in a few hours prior, but one night was enough for me. There was too much there reminding me of what could have been, and too many memories to remember all at once. I knew that morning that I'd never be able to live in that house again, but I couldn't find it in me to actually put the house up for sale. So about a month later I offered to rent the house out to Trace and his girlfriend. He was planning on staying in Tennessee for a while, giving me the reason of, I haven't been home for a long period of time in way too long, but in reality I know it was to keep an eye on me.

As for me, I'm back full force into work. It's amazing to me how much didn't get done while I was out and it took me almost the entire two months I've been back to catch up. Justin and I have started a working relationship that has made my job not only a whole lot easier, but somehow more enjoyable. We're working together on a lot of things we use to work alone on, and in the end I'm able to see another side to the business that I never thought I'd be able to. Being the President of a company is basically doing all the dirty work and all the fun stuff gets left to other people. But last week Justin took me with him when he went to New York to see a show for an artist that he was interested in. Not even 36 hours after we landed we were all sitting in a boardroom signing a contract, and to see the look on that girls face when she realized that she now had a record deal was priceless.

It was nice to be somewhat back on track. I've been spending a lot more time with my friends, and I've found myself going to my parents house at least two or three times a week just to catch up. At first it was hard with everyone looking at me with pity in there eyes and holding there tongue with certain things because they didn't want me to get upset, but after a while when they realized that I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown if they brought Jake up things got back to normal. I still thought about Jake a lot, and I'd find myself crying every so often when I was alone and I knew no one would be able to hear me. It's a pain that I know will never go away, but I hope one day it will subside enough for me to move on as best as anyone put in this situation could.

"Emily, Trace is on line one," I heard Julie say over the intercom on my phone. I threw my pen down and looked up at the clock on the wall of my office to see it was 7pm and I'd been sitting here for 13 hours.

"What's up Trace Face?" I said after pushing the speakerphone button and returning to the pile of work in front of me.

"Hey you're coming to Ma and Pa's tomorrow night for dinner right?"

"Is tomorrow Wednesday?"

"Last time I checked."

"Then I'll be at Ma and Pa's like I am every Wednesday. Did you call to ask me questions you already know the answer to or is there something else I can help you with?" I asked rolling my eyes at the phone.

"What's got your panties in a bunch? Trouble on the home front? I bet you're glad you won't have to deal with Justin much longer--"

"Look Trace, I'm trying to confirm a bunch of shit for Matt's big preview on Friday," I said cutting him off, "Vendor's are being total pains in the ass and I'm just bu...Wait what do you mean I won't be dealing with Justin much longer?" I asked after I actually comprehended his last statement.

"He didn't tell you?"

"Didn't tell me what?"

"That's why I wanted to make sure you'd be at Ma and Pa's. Maybe you being there will lighten the blow a little bit..."

"Lighten what blow? Trace what the fuck is going on?" I said ripping the glasses off my face and throwing them on my desk feeling my stomach do a million somersaults.

"I'm telling them that I'm not Justin's assistant anymore as of tomorrow. I'm just going to focus most of my time on the line and dealing with the restaurants and stuff."

"Okay, so they're going to yell at you for being lazy, but what does that have to do with me not having to deal with Justin anymore?"

"I'm not lazy Em God! See people don't fucking understand how much work goes into doing the line I'm really involved with it and--"

"Answer the fucking question Trace!" I yelled not really caring if he was being lazy or not.

"Well thanks for caring about your own damn brother."

"I care...I really do. You're not lazy, it's hard work and I support you. Just please answer the question."

"It's really not that big of a deal. Justin's going back to LA on Monday to start filming some stupid movie about Facebook. I figured you'd be happy to have him out of your hair for a while. No need to flip out about it."

"I'm not flipping out," I replied, but in reality I was flipping out. "I have to go, see you tomorrow," I hung up not even waiting for him to say goodbye. I don't know why but I felt like I was about to have an anxiety attack. The last time Justin left was just about a month after Jake died, and before I even knew how to function again so it didn't really matter to me who was here and who wasn't. Now though...now I've started to depend on Justin to get through a day. Knowing that I wasn't going home to an empty house and that I wouldn't be eating dinner by myself in silence was something that gave me piece of mind, and now with Justin going back to LA and Trace living with Bri in my old house I was going to be alone and it was not something that I was ready for.

I looked at the pile of papers in front of me knowing that I should stay and finish, but the intense urge to throw up made me do otherwise. I threw my planner in my oversized purse and got up turning all the lights off in my office and walking out the door in a huff not even remembering to say goodbye to Julie. I practically ran out to my car, threw the keys in the ignition and drove home so fast that I don't even remember the drive itself. I pulled into the driveway and took what seemed like the first breath I'd taken since getting off the phone with Trace. I knew I was over reacting. I was 25 almost 26 years old. I knew how to live on my own, I'd done it before and I could do it again. But why didn't Justin tell me? I knew I had to go in the house and act like nothing was wrong even though to me it seemed like everything was wrong. I composed myself after stepping out of the car, brushing off the none existent dirt on my skirt, and walked into the house with my head held high.

I went through the garage to see if Justin was actually home and I was right in thinking he would be. I opened the kitchen door and threw my keys and purse on the counter trying desperately to hold back the feeling of throwing up. "Shelly is that you?" I heard Justin yell from the living room. I looked up to see him on the couch, his feet on the coffee table, remote in one hand and a fork in the other.

"Yeah...it's me," I replied gulping down what felt like tears.

"I waited for you to watch last nights shows. There's take out on the counter for you, I figured you wouldn't want to cook since you were at the office so late."

"Thanks," I said scooping some Lo Mien into a bowl that I pulled for the cabinet, "Matt's preview is taking up all too much of my time. Verizon is about to back out because Matt isn't doing the signing in their booth it's all kind of crazy..." I sat down next to him on the couch and started eating, unable to actually look at him as I spoke for fear of what my reaction would be. "Why you want him to do a signing at a preview for industry people is beyond me but it is what it is..."

"I'm glad you've finally come to your senses and have realized that what I say goes Logan."

"Mmm," was all I managed to say. I started at the TV for about an hour not really watching Dancing with the Stars, but trying to figure out a way to get over this hump without letting anyone else know I had a hump to get over. I mean how long could he possibly be gone for? 2...3 months? It'll be nice to actually come home to a quiet house every so often and not have Justin up my ass asking me every five seconds what I'd be cooking for dinner or what went on in the office that day.

"Helloooooo are you in there?" I snapped out of my daze and swatted his hand that was lightly punching me in the shoulder away. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I replied scooping a forkful of food into my mouth.

"You've been staring off into space for the past 10 minutes ignoring me and you want me to believe nothing is wrong?"

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked really quickly surprised at myself for asking the one thing I've been telling myself not to ask for the past hour.

"Why didn't I tell you who got voted off? What are you talking about?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were going to LA?" I asked finally looking up at him.

"I don't know...I guess I didn't think you'd really care," he said shrugging his shoulders.

"I don't care." I said getting up to put my dish in the dishwasher, caring an awful lot in reality. I walked past the living room feeling Justin's eyes on me the whole way to the door of my room.

"Em is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine," I lied. "I have a lot of work to do, so I'll see you in the morning," another lie because I knew damn well that I left a pile of work up to my eyeballs at the office, and with that I walked into my room sliding my back down the closed door behind me. This was one baby step I wasn't close to being able to take.