Chapter 1

Justin's POV - Prologue

"I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night, shining with the light from the sun.  The sun doesn't give light to the moon, assuming the moon's going to owe it one."

Addiction:

The state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.

All consuming, an uncontrollable need to devour, a desperation that seeps into my skin, sinking further into my bones as the hunger grows stronger.  Each pass of my hand across the burning flesh, the flashes coming so rapidly at the contact, exploding behind my eyes and feeding the flames that threaten to incinerate my entire being. 

Sucking in a ragged breath, the familiarity, the reminder of home, breathing it into my lungs, and letting it fill me from the inside out.  It's the only sense of peace, the ability to calm my breaths to mere shallow pulls of vanilla and honey.  Soaking it in, allowing it to devour what little piece of sanity I so barely hold onto.  It's an obsession that I have longed and desired for, controlling what I can and fighting to control what I cannot.

Control:

To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; to direct.

The ability manipulate, even with the best intentions, to dominate her, is always floating in the recesses of my mind.  Try as I might, allowing things to naturally happen, whether by chance or fate is never an acceptable option.  The power to know how to touch, to ignite the flames of desire that bubble under the surface, never fully escaping and emerging, always locking them away, refusing to acknowledge the pull toward each other.  It is my own personal hell.  Knowing how to control, feeling the addiction sucking me deeper into her depths, but never being able to capture her soul. 

Capture:

To gain possession or control of, as in a game or contest.

She has never been a game.  It has never been about winning, it has always been about consuming.  To feel the fire as it burned, the flames licking across my skin, ripping me wide open, exposing me to her, never knowing how to shut it off or block her out.  She is always the exception. 

Consume:

To destroy or expend by use; to eat or drink; to devour.

I want her.  Every aspect of my body screams for her, to feel her pulse in her neck, her heart beating against her ribs, fighting for a chance to escape, to hold her in my arms, knowing that it is her choice to make, to choose me, for the first time in her life.  I want to devour her whole, immerse my entire being in her, to finally be incinerated from her warmth. 

Obsession:

The domination of one's thoughts or feelings by a persistent image, desire, person, etc.

For fifteen years, I have thought of nothing but her, how one touch has the power to annihilate any other.  The singe of relief, the burn of desire, they roll simultaneously together, leaving me in the clutches of addiction, gasping for control, yearning for capture, wanting to consume, and falling further into my obsession.

She is the answer, the problem, the cure, and the disease.  She is everything unattainable, and I crave the opportunity to hold her in my hands, to finally capture what captured me.  Everything inside me craves her, her body, her smile, her voice, her breath, I ache for her soul. 

The desire smolders under my skin, knowing she could feel it as I let the guard slip away.  Open, vulnerable, exposed, the flashes blinding me as I savor their flavor, feeling the sweetness on my tongue.  Inhaling her essence and pulling it deeper and deeper into me, letting it boil against my own, knowing that I will lose the feel of her against me soon, the rejection a bitter contrast simmering on the surface.  I drink, suck up what I can, knowing it will never be enough, but for now it will be everything.  Because she is everything.

Her breath on my cheek, the warmth spilling down my neck, sending the shivers throughout my body, feeling them grasp my spine as her energy surges through me.  Her light a vibrant shock to my dark system, holding me, tying me tighter and tighter around her, knowing that a brush of my hand against her soft, luminous skin will be my undoing.  Hesitantly, as if the motion will be my final act, I reach up; stroking the pad of my finger against her hand and the pull nearly catapults me right inside of her.  The bonds of steel wrapping around my heart, seizing its beats for a fraction of a second as her heart beats for the two of us.   She owns me, and she has no idea.

I never want the moment to end, I want to drink it up, capture it, and replay it over and over again.  To finally secure what I chased for so long, to give in to the thoughts and expose the inner-workings of my mind to someone, someone that I long for understanding from.  I pray for acceptance, the thought of rejection closing in heavily like a looming cloud, sparking with the lightning to obliterate me if she chooses to do so.  I can't hold back any longer, I need her to understand how deeply her entire being runs through my body and boils in my blood. 

I love you

It is a whisper, nothing more than a gentle caress between two souls, a non-verbal declaration.  But the thought careens out, exposed into the vast openness of her mind and swirls in her thoughts.  Her eyes dilate, their pupils nearly taking over the soft hues of blue that I find myself falling further and further into.  Her body calls to me as much as her mind echoes the same sentiment.  She's so close to giving in; to understanding the part of me that can never let her go because she's mine.  She's the only thing that has ever truly been mine, my own possession, in my own mind.  I yearn for the reciprocation, the final surrender but the withdrawal of her hand upon my own jolts me out of the reverie that whirls me helplessly around her.  The cold touch of air is a slap in the face as she slowly, and painfully, extracts herself from my arms, my body, my mind, and finally, my heart. 

Leaving me there, defenseless, standing in front of her in complete danger of being broken, in foreign territory, as the pieces start to fall together, one-by-one.  The puzzle practically forming in her mind reflects in her eyes, and I can feel the shift as she places all the clues, the insights, the obscure ideas together into one thought.  One idea that threatens everything I have ever built and everything I have ever wanted with her.  It verges on the brink in her mind, not really believing in the possibility, but realizing she cannot deny what is in front of her. 

Carefully, she connects her beautiful, blue eyes with my own, their openness clear for me to see as she stares at me, unblinkingly.  The connection that sears between us glows, casting a haze around my thoughts and sucking the energy right out of me as I can see the question forming on her tongue. 

I close my eyes, knowing that if she speaks the words, everything will be for nothing.  I can't bear to watch her mouth form the words.

But suddenly, she reaches out, her hand caressing my cheek and I sink further into her touch, a glutton for punishment and knowing that I am powerless to resist the pull between us.  She's my magnetic North, my lone star in the sky, always bringing me home.  She's everything I have ever wanted and needed, and everything that I can't have.

Torturously, as if she is prolonging the pain, she lets her fingers run over the stubble forming on my jaw, sweeping her fingers across my lips, and I have to steady myself from kissing the soft flesh.  This is her opportunity to ask, her time to understand and comprehend what I have known for years. 

Can you hear me? Her thoughts ring out like an alarm in the early morning, her lips never moving and the words never breaking the silence swirling between us.

It's everything I have ever dreamed of and everything I feared as I take the final step into the unknown world of revealing my secret.

I nodded.