Chapter 4

Autumn POV

Weak. 

That's what I am around him...

Some fragile little girl that is thrust into his turbulent, dysfunctional mind, and no matter how hard I try to block him out, I always give in.  It's pathetic that one person can screw with my head and my emotions on such a grand scale.  That he can tilt my entire world off its orbit with one swoop in through the door, leaving me clawing at the edges of sanity and barely holding onto any semblance of self. 

It's been like that for fifteen years, fifteen years ago my life altered in ways I will never be able to fully understand.  What I believed to be my savior in the sea of tumultuous waves, guiding me through the long, narrow halls of the schools, sheltering me from the snide comments about being the new girl.  He stood up, grabbed my hand, and changed my world forever. 

He was my protector then...and he still is now.

I've never been able to understand the pull toward one another, the feeling as if we are the sun and moon, the forces of gravity drawing us back to one another-no matter the time or the distance-we always come back to each other.  It's a sick and twisted spiral that I can't seem to find my way out of.  I don't know if it's the fact that I don't try hard enough to really separate myself from his pull, or if I am physically and psychologically unable to imagine my life without him.

Things with Justin have been complicated...to say the very least.  A friendship that started off innocently enough, a boy protecting a girl, the golden child sticking up for the lost cause, or so I thought. 

Ever since that first touch of our hands in the  hallway fifteen years ago, there's been this undeniable connection, this desire, or need, I don't really know which one is stronger, to have control over each other.  A game of possession.  Somehow I always find myself being the pawn, the one being possessed by him though.

Outsiders have witnessed first hand the destruction and chaos that Justin can cause.  The way he can tear my world apart in a second and set it back on its rightful-according to him-path.  It's always a collision course with his own.  As long as he is in control, everyone else seems to fall into step behind him.

Justin has this way to bend people's will to fit his idea of what is right, or more specifically, what he wants.  Despite his often over-bearing, headstrong attitude, his charisma attracts people like a moth to a flame.  There's a fascination, a need to understand what does not want to be understood and capture what refuses to be caged.  He gets what he wants by remaining this uncontrollable creature, preying through the night upon the weaker, consuming anything and everyone in his path and ensuring his own survival above all.

He's a predator.

And yet, he's my protector

He's been there to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, mend the bleeding wounds that threatened to erase my existence, and hold me while the grief, the sorrow, and heartache engulfed me.  When I need someone the most, he is by my side, whispering words of friendship, love, and lifetimes together.  He's held me together when I feel like falling apart. 

Justin has been there for it all.

And no matter what, no matter how much anger builds or destruction is caused, I can't turn my back on someone that has never turned his back on me.  Despite the dysfunction.

Choosing to deal with the warpath left in Justin's wake in the morning, I flip the light switches off as I make my way down the hall, back to bed, and hopefully able to capture the last few hours of peaceful rest before I am thrown back into the tornado of Justin's world. 

Justin's POV

As I drive through the town, feeling the power of the engine and the grip of the wheels on the pavement, it's a calming reassurance that my six month assignment is over.  I'm finally back home and the weight of hiding lifts ever so slightly.  Yet, I know that the next call could come at any minute and thrust me back into the chaos, into the game.  For now though, I will enjoy whatever piece of sanctity I can get.

Rounding the final corner towards Trace's house, I remember the reason I am speeding down the road, the name floating in the recess of Autumn's mind, and the person ultimately responsible for that name being there in the first place.  Pulling into the driveway, I kill the engine and jump out, tucking my keys into my pocket and make quick work up the winding path to Trace's door.  Finally reaching his step, I grab the spare key underneath the third decorative rock off to the left and head inside.  I have every intent of waking his ass up.

The anger begins to simmer under my skin, pulsing slightly through my veins with each step I take further into the darkened house.  It slithers precariously from my chest to my arms to my legs.  I can feel it sinking its claws into my entire being, swelling and growing at an alarming rate.  Anger has always been the one emotion I am attuned to, it has the ability to flare up inside me faster than a forest stricken with a burning match.  It's the one emotion I can't seem to control, no matter how hard I fight back against its clutches; it always overpowers my feeble attempts.

Finally, I come to the one door separating myself from Trace, and I pause for just a moment.  My friendship with Trace has been anything but conventional.  There has always been an underlying tension between us, a result of wavering trust and an inability to fully respect each other's own paths.  We've always had a volatile and unsteady friendship, one like the ocean crashing into the shore every so often, creating waves of instability in its wake.  However, just like the water, our frienship always balances itself back out.

Taking a steadying breath, I concentrate on controlling the emotion bubbling below the surface, knowing that if I don't, things could grow rapidly out of hand.  Several more deep breaths of trying to rein in the rage, and I crash my hand against the flimsy metal knob.

"What the fuck, man?" I scream, throwing the door open as I enter, not giving one damn about the crash against the wall.

Trace immediately shoots up from his bed, the blankets falling around his waist as he tries to adjust his eyes to the sudden intrusion.

"What in the hell?" he yells, rubbing his hands against his face as he gathers his bearings.  He blinks rapidly at me, hoping to gain some sense of understanding.  "Justin?"

I hastily flip on the lights, my chest heaving with the anger that is now exploding in white hot flashes throughout my body.  Yet, the betrayal settles itself on top of my already weakened frame of mind, and I can feel the control slipping away.

"What the fuck are you doing, Trace?" I ask furiously, taking a few more steps into the room.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell are you doing here right now?  You scared the shit out of me," he answers, throwing the covers back and standing up. 

"Answer me, Trace.  Answer me right fucking now!  What have you been doing?"

"What are you talking about?" he responds, confusion written all over his face.

All the does is grow the anger inside.  The hurt and betrayal is quickly multiplying like a cancer in my system.  The feeling of a knife being shoved perfectly between my two shoulder blades is quickly becoming a reality as he stands across the room with a blank, innocent expression on his face.

Finally, I snap, the control I was fighting for evaporating in an instant.

"I fucking had your back, man.  All those years together, all the trouble we caused along the way, who was right there by your side through it all?" I spit, the anger pulsating against my body like an animal trapped in a cage, vibrating with a need to get out, to explode in fury.  "I never would have done you like that.  I go away on business for a couple of months only to come back and find out that you, of all people, are playing matchmaker with Autumn.  Setting her up with someone else.  That's dirty, man, even for you." 

Trace's eyes are wide, finally the pieces settling into this neat and tidy puzzle inside his head.  "You're going to bust into my room at..." he looks around, spotting a clock on the table, "one o'clock in the morning to yell at me because I introduced Autumn to a guy?"

I take a step forward, my hand automatically clenching into a fist, my head no longer in control of my body. 

"You've been gone for six months, Justin.  Are we all supposed to put our lives on pause because the golden boy has left?" he seethes, his own anger exuding itself.

I take a step closer, fully intending to lay into him, but he continues. 

"I'm over this fucked up idea that we all owe you something, that the world is your little sandbox and we're all just your toys to do with what you please.  Especially when it comes to Autumn.  The way you treat her, string her along like your little puppet, leaving for months on end, no call, no note, completely cut off from everything involving you.  She doesn't deserve the chaos that you bring."

"That's not your call to make," I yell.  "You don't understand my situation and you never will."

"Exactly, I won't understand.  But that doesn't mean I have to stand by and watch her be manipulated and tossed around by your twisted games."

I take one more step forward, putting myself chest to chest with Trace, and I look down into his eyes.  "Screwing with me, especially when it comes to Autumn, is the quickest way to find yourself on my bad side.  Stay out of Autumn's love life, she doesn't need your help," I tell him, punctuation each word with a little more force than necessary before turning around and walking out of his room.

"She doesn't need yours," he yells at my retreating form.

But it doesn't matter, the damage has already been done.  The seeds of doubt have already been planted and it's my job to erase their roots before anything more can take hold of Autumn. 

Nobody will ever understand the depth I am willing to go to in order to protect my relationship with Autumn.  Nobody.

Exiting Trace's house in the same blaze of glory I entered it in, I hop back into my car and start driving in the direction of my own house.  But not before shooting off one quick text.

"No matter how dark the night, somehow the sun rises once again and all shadows are chased away." -  Meet me at 9, our place.  J.