"I'm not skipping."
Today had not turned out as planned. As planned, I'd woken up and made a decision:
Spring break, I'm making my move. Spring break, I'm going to New York.
Spring break, I will be all the stalker I can be!
Justin's new restaurant Southern Hospitality is opening two days into my break, how perfect is that? It's des-ti-freaking-ny.
Not everyone thought that was such a good idea though.
Smacking on her gum, Jules said, "What are you going to do, exactly?"
"Do you need a definition for stalking?"
"I'm just saying," She said, thankfully spitting the gum out. Or swallowing it, or whatever she did, I don't care, all that matters is she's not popping that gum in my ear. "Do you really want to be that girl? That crazy stalker fan girl?"
Rolling my eyes, I sighed. She didn't get it. Of course she didn't get it. How could she? She was never a fan and plus she'd met him, among other unmentionables. I said, "What the hell else am I gonna do? It's not like I have a best friend, who's met with him and is apparently semi-working with him, who could help me out..."
"I'm not really working for him. I'm..."
"You're helping with William Rast, yeah, mostly you're working with Trace. But still you're basically working with Justin. And you're basically not going to help me, so basically I'm going to do what I have to do."
Her end of the line was silent for several moments. Then she sighed, and almost begrudgingly added, "I'm going to be in New York with them."
"And?"
"And...I could help you. Introduce you to him, so you can be as normal as is possible for you to be."
The obsessed teeny in me was squealing and twirling and doing a lot of things that require way more energy than I have most of the time. The more realistic, some people called cynic, part of me wasn't about to get her hopes up just yet. "Jules don't play with me."
"I'm not joking. I'll help you. It's not like I have some kind of developing crush on him and selfishly would want to keep him all to myself or anything stupid like that."
"Right, Julie, whatever." The teeny in me didn't care for her sarcasm, the cynic just laughed and didn't care. Jealousy wondered if Justin liked her back, Logic knew it didn't matter. Well at least not yet, and if it did, it still didn't matter cause that had nothing to do with the situation at hand, which did matter. A lot. "All I know is if you don't come through on this for me, I will hunt you down and..."
"Alright, alright, enough with the death threats. I get it, this is a big deal for you."
Once this plan had been set into motion, even if only on a cognitive level, to say I was excited was an understatement. I was overjoyed, ecstatic, happy beyond measure. Then there was a knock on my door.
Not that I should have been surprised to find Chris standing on the other side, but when I saw Chris with a picnic basket and goofy infectious grin on his face I still wasn't getting any closer to surprised, but me and suspicion were having some words.
"But we're in a meadow. It's what you do in a meadow."
I don't know how he did it. One minute he was standing there, grinning at me foolishly, the next minute I'm laughing in his face after he proposed this ridiculous day date of going out into some meadow and having a picnic. Then I'm here, in the middle of nowhere, being asked to skip through said meadow with a guy who is not my boyfriend, with a guy who is barely even my friend, a guy who is dating a woman known for kicking ass and taking names.
"I don't skip."
He didn't bother to argue this point, instead he just watched me for a moment, the same smile he greeted me with still rosy-ing up his face. Then he took my hand and once again, I found myself one minute being myself and the next minute, skipping through a wild flower filled meadow, hand in hand with him.
Then we stopped. Or he stopped and I stopped because of that and then I saw the blanket, the champagne, the red rose petals dropped meticulously across the blanket and trailing off into the surrounding grass. Chris, still holding my hand, gave it a little squeeze to nudge me back into speech, but all I did was look at him for a moment. Studied the smile on his face, the happy glint to his eyes; all I did was look back at the blanket, the champagne and the red rose petals.
Then I said, "You're confused aren't you?"
His smile flattered, I could actually see the moment when his confidence began to deflate. He took a moment to look around, as if checking to see if something was missing. Gorgeous idyllic something out of Sound Of Music scenery, check. The champagne, classy booze to hopefully get me giggly and my inhibitions lowered, check. The mandatory for every romantic gesture red rose petals, check, check, check. "I wasn't until right now."
"You must think I'm Raedel." I said, dropping his hand.
"No, I'm pretty sure you're you and I'm me and she's she. And we're we."
I shook my head at this, because if he understood anything, then this wouldn't be happening. "We're not we. We're not us. We're not anything. We're people, people with no relationship. People who don't even really like each other."
"I like you just fine." He said with half a smile.
"Okay, we're people that only one of us likes the other. So what is this?"
"It's food." He said, with a determined edge to his voice, as he began to open the basket of food and dish out our meal, which he'd made sure several times to tell me on the way over here that he'd made himself. "But with the way you've been eating lately, I'm sure you've forgotten what that is."
I sat down on an edge of the blanket, cause I wasn't sure what else to do partly and mostly because I could tell even if I tried to continue to ruin this, he wasn't having it. "I'm trying to get in a shape other than round this summer."
"You're not fat." He said so adamantly, as if he was the one being insulted.
"But I'm not fit either."
"Can't argue with that." He smiled, reaching over and poking me in the stomach like I was the Pillsbury dough-girl.
I sighed and tried to suck my stomach in for as long as I could hold it. Giving up, I said, "Well, we can't all be all-star athletes."
Licking his lips, he gave me a long considering look, before handing over my plate of chocolate chip cookies and PB&J. I might have laughed and joked about his culinary skills if it wasn't for the fact that I was still mad about his earlier comment.
With a soft sigh, he said, "I didn't mean it like that."
"Doesn't matter, like this or like that, you meant it."
"But you just said..." Sighing again, he shook his head. "I should've known better than to try to get anywhere in that conversation." We ate in silence for a moment before he said, "For what it's worth, I think your shape is nice as is and dieting and jogging isn't necessary."
If it was any other guy saying that, I might have smiled at that. If it was any other guy saying that, it might not have meant as much, but I couldn't show that--just being here was bad enough, liking it was a whole ‘nother level of trouble. Fighting the smile, I rolled my eyes at him. "Fool, I don't jog. Why would you think that?"
"Just the other day, I saw you and started to come over to say hi and then I saw that you were jogging."
Laughing, I said, "I saw you first and was running in the other direction. If you weren't falling for your own hype, you'd know when someone's avoiding you."
That was not a comment meant for serious contemplation, but I'm sure he would argue the same for his 'can't argue with that' poke in the stomach. Nevertheless, his face was wrapped up in a lot of unnecessary thoughts.
"Is that why you do it?" He started, a small frown working its way across his brow. "You keep holding me at arm's length because you don't like that I'm popular."
Even if he was determined in making this a serious issue, I refused to go along. "You're more than popular. You're a damn entity."
"I would say thank you, but that doesn't sound like a compliment."
"It's not." I smiled.
He didn't smile back or laugh or anything. He just went quiet, which was something I'd never seen him do. Whole minutes went by without a word out of him. It was the strangest thing. Then I was done eating and couldn't use that as a distraction to keep from drowning in the silence.
When I'd floundered around in the awkwardness enough, I said, "So you're not going to tell me?"
"Tell you what?"
Rolling my eyes at this, I said, "Why am I here? Where's Rae?"
"Honestly, I don't care where she is."
I just frowned at him in response. I was beginning to wonder if this whole extravaganza was just in response to one of his and Raedel's many fights. Rae pissed him off, he ran off to another girl. That other girl had just never been me.
"I mean, don't get me wrong, I care about her, but sometimes I just get kinda tired of it. Being the boyfriend. I just want..."
"To skip through meadows and have hidden away picnics with another girl."
His face broke out into a grin. "You're not just another girl."
"Uh-huh." I said, not able to help the smile that spread across my face. To make up for it, I shoved him. "Now tell me the real reason."
"She went on a date."
"With someone else?"
"No, with me and I decided ignoring her would teach her a lesson about that."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm allowed one dumb question a day, compared to your hourlies." I smirked. "So she went on a date and finally explored the openness of y'alls open relationship and now..."
"It wasn't just the date. It was the guy. She knows I hate him and he hates me."
"With the way you got her fighting every girl off you on and off-campus, can you blame her?"
His frown was strong and immediate. "Whose side are you on?"
"The side that doesn't get me in the middle of this."
"Too late."
He turned at the sound of the voice. I didn't, because I didn't need to see her to know it was Rae.
Today was definitely not going as planned.
"What are you doing here?"
Trace had already laughed his way into my kitchen and his head was currently buried in my fridge. He yelled something about where's the rest of the salami, as if he paid for something in there and had a right to be mad if it's eaten without his consent.
"I live here."
Wish enough, wise man'll tell you a lie.
Cameron was nice enough to ignore the fact she'd walked in on my not so manly, crying through song moment. And managed to explain away her just randomly appearing in my house by shoving the keys I'd given her into my face.
Window broke, torn up screens.
"No, you don't."
Rolling her eyes, she said, "It's an expression."
"No, it's not." I searched her face for a sign of where this was going. Was she going to say how horrible her life undoubtedly was like now without me in it? Was she just coming to pick up a few things she'd left behind, from when she'd been slowly and not very subtlety leaving things at my place and staking claim to her spot in my life?
Who'd have thought that you'd dream
Of a single tragic scene.
Her make-up was perfect. Her eyes looked like they didn't even know what tears were. Her face was carefully blank and filled with a steady patience, as if she just knew I was going to give her a hard time. And maybe she was right, maybe I was going to do just that. But it's not like she didn't deserve it.
Sighing, I said, "So what are you doing here?"
"I need a favor."
Trace was strolling back into the room now, his plate filled with my food. I glanced at him for a hint as to what the hell was going on, and to ask silently if he was in on it and then of course to immediately follow that with the promise of violence if this was going to turn out bad for me. But he was clueless, and just shrugged, going back to stuffing his face.
Smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt, Cameron said plainly, "We can't break up. At least not publicly. I don't want my new movie promotion to be all about the break up."
I just stared at her for a moment, wondering if she'd forgotten some key elements to the new conditions of our no-longer-a-relationship relationship. "You. Broke. Up. With. Me."
I just wanna sing a song with you.
I just want to take it off of you.
"I know," She said, the patience in her face strong and steady. "And I want to un-break up for a little while. We don't have to do anything, except be together in a for titles only way."
"Un-break my heart, say you'll love me again..."
I fixed Trace with a shut-the-hell-up glare. Then went back to squinting at Cameron, as if a narrowed view on her would bring her back into focus.
Cause blue eyes
You are all that I need.
"So that's the only reason you're here right now?"
A slight smile crept onto the left side of her face before she shook it away, her eyes looking into mine and saying, silly boy, of course that's it. What else could there be?
I sighed. What else could there be?
Cause blue eyes
You're the sweet to my mean.
She nodded and said, "Yeah."
Apparently the glare wasn't nearly enough.
"Undo the hurt that you caused when you walked out the door. And walked out my life...un-cry these tears..." He sang, his voice raising and cracking on an impossibly high note.
Cameron was waiting for an answer, staring unblinkingly at me. Trace was singing with a mouth full of half-chewed food, as if this moment just needed a soundtrack and it was his job to provide one.
I'd had enough and got up without another word and started to walk away.
"So what do you say?"
"Goodnight."
Once I was safely locked within the confines of my bedroom, which was shrouded in darkness since I'd decided sunlight would only bring out the pretty dark bags under my eyes, it wasn't long before the song arrived outside my door.
"I've cried so many niiights, un-break my... Un-break my heart, sweet darling! Without you, I just can't go ooooooon."
Then there was another voice that suddenly broke out into song. Familiar and unfamiliar at the same time, I couldn't place it. "Say that you love me. Say that you love me."
"Ooooooooon..."
Throwing my door open, which sounds entirely too dramatic and Incredible Hulk like--as if I could rip the thing off its hinges--I was faced with Trace, who was still holding out a God awful sounding note and Frankie, who immediately upon looking at my face burst into a fit of laughter.
Fess it up, dot on the palm of your hand.
This is what friends are for.
I can help you to stand
To this, I let the door speak for me, as I slammed it right back in their good for nothing faces.
"C'mon, J, even you gotta admit that was pretty funny. We harmonized and everything for you. And your face was..." Trace said, his voice dissolving into laughter.
Saved it up for this dance.
Sobering slightly, Frankie said, "We're sorry, we shouldn't have done it. But it was...you know how we all wish life was like a musical and that was just too perfect of a moment not to go there."
Sighing, I got up and opened the door again and just stared at her for a moment. Seeing as how the prolonged sight of me was wearing down her previous amusement into concern, I said, "What are you doing here?"
"I live here."
If she wanted to mock me, she was going to have to do it while staring at my closed door. Or at least that was the plan, but when I went to close the door, her foot was already there.
"No, really, I need a place to stay."
"Fine." I said, trying to close the door again, but again her foot was there just in time to block it.
"Don't you want to know why?"
Tell me all the things you can.
"Obviously, I don't care."
"Justin, I love you, too. I came here for you."
I almost smiled at that. Almost. "Grey's Anatomy references are not going to work in your favor this time."
"What she's trying to say is, we're here for you, man." Trace said, clapping a hand to my shoulder, reassuringly.
I just wanna sing a song with you.
And again the singing began. Frankie leading the way this time. "I'll be there for you..."
"When the rain starts to fall..."
"I'll be there for you..."
"Cause you're there for me toooo!"
I just wanna be the one that's true.
Cause blue eyes
Shaking my head at them, I went to close the door again. Her foot was still in the way and the urge to slam it on her foot was growing. Misery didn't always want company. Sometimes it wanted to curl up into the fetal position, figure out what the hell had happened exactly and then it could be free to be miserable in public.
You're the secret I keep.
Cause blue eyes
I said,"What do you want?"
"You to listen to my I Told You So speech, because it's really good."
Trace just nodded.
"Cameron is an old ho-bag, you don't mope over the old ho-bag. I told you when you met her that she was a skeezer, so let's go get drunk."
Trace just nodded.
"Goodnight." I said, succeeding in closing the door this time.
"It's not what it looks like. It's not what you think."
I'd put as much distance between myself and Raedel as I thought I could without it seeming like I was going to definitely choose flight over fight. I mean, don't get me wrong, if it came down to it, I was definitely going to choose flight over fight, but part of not letting it get there was appearing like if it does go there I'd stand my ground.
Apparently Raedel had been in situations like this one too many times, so she failed to find the humor in that. Clearing my suddenly dry throat, I said, "Sorry, I just always wanted to say that."
"What are you doing here?" Chris said, actually getting indignant with her, like she was the one in the wrong.
"Would you buy that I was just in the neighborhood?"
"If we weren't in the middle of nowhere, yeah, maybe."
"Okay, well in that case, I followed you."
Maybe she did have some humor about this after all, but with the look on her face and the defensiveness in her stance, it all looked to me like this was just the calm before the storm and I really didn't want to be here when the calculated calm demeanor erupted into something wild and ugly and bald Britney-like. Same difference.
"She followed you. Us. She followed us. Perfectly normal. Can we go now?"
"Oh, no, don't run off on account of little ol' me." She said, smiling and moving toward me.
Oh, god, it was like third grade all over again. Sheila, the giant, charging me and me frozen with fear, just bracing myself and hoping that if I peed my pants it would only be a little bit that I could later play off as spilled juice.
Then there was the hair pulling. Lots and lots of pulling hair. I think, pulling hair was the least of my worries today, but that was the last fight I was in and lord, I hoped if it got that bad this time, that I'd be able to figure out something better to do than pull her hair and pray for a teacher to come and stop it.
"No, no. You must have me confused with someone who wanted to be here in the first place."
That got me two confused looks. I sighed. "This doesn't have to be hard. It's really easy in fact. Me and him aren't anything. You and him are whatever the hell you want to be and I'm not trying to change that. So when I said it wasn't what it looks like, that was actually true."
They both just continued to stare at me, confusion etched into their brows. Apparently, this wasn't how it usually worked for them. "I would just leave, but I'm lost."
Okay, this was getting ridiculously. Neither of them were saying anything. Throwing my hands up into the air, I said, "Seriously, guys, at least point me in the right direction."
"So you really don't..." She said, still frowning at me, as she motioned over to Chris.
"No." I said, shaking my head too, so there could be no confusion.
"Not at all?"
"Not even a little bit."
Chris scoffed at that. "C'mon, there's at least a little bit of something between us."
Shaking my head again, I said, "Not even a little bit."
Rae was all smiles at this. Chris just stared at me, his face shutting down all emotion.
"So..." I said, really wanting to get to that flight part. "like I said, a point in the right direction would be helpful."
"Well in that case, I'll drive you back." Rae said, cheerily. "She's been the best so far. If you just had to cheat on me, I'd pick her." She smiled at Chris as she said that. He didn't say a word back, didn't even look at her, just kept staring at me.
When Raedel finally started walking away, I followed, determinedly keeping my eyes straight ahead.
Eyes straight ahead. Eyes straight ahead. Eyesstraightaheadeyesstraightahead.
Glancing back, I locked eyes with Chris for a heartbeat--one beat, then he immediately looked away, beginning to gather up the remains of romance.
I didn't walk, I skipped out.
Because somebody told me that's what you do in a meadow.
All the lights on and you are alive.
The next day found me laying face up, arms and legs spread out to take over the majority of the bed, leaving no room for anyone else, even if there was someone else. I cracked one eye open, finding the room suspiciously filled with light.
But you can't point the way to your heart.
Buckley's head was resting on the foot of the bed, staring at me. The door was wide open.
So sublime, when the stars are aligned.
But you don't know.
I sat up, getting a tail wag out of Buckley--at least someone around here appreciated the little things I do--before he bounded out the door.
You don't know the greatness you are.
Groggily, and still wiping the sleep out of my eyes, I walked down the stairs, making a beeline for the kitchen.
Cause blue eyes
A cloud of smoke greeted me at the entryway. Chars of things that I could only guess had once been intended to be edible littered the counter space in bowls, plates and skillets. Puddles of a greasy something or other filled in the holes the charred things had left open.
Brennan and Buckley were fighting over something with Frankie in the middle of them, struggling to wrestle it out of their mouths.
You are destiny's scene.
Glancing around the room once more, I fixed my eyes on Frankie again. "What are you doing here?"
Fanning the smoke away from her face she had the nerve to smile at me as she said, "How many times are you going to ask me this?"
"How many times are you going to try to burn my house down and poison my dogs when I'm sleeping?"
"This was supposed to be a nice gesture. I was trying to make us breakfast. Trace thought..."
"I'm going to have to stop you there, cause anything after 'Trace thought' can't be good."
Running into the kitchen with a fire extinguisher, Trace looked around confused for a moment, finding nothing drowning in flames. When he finally noticed me, he too had the nerve to smile at me, before he said, "We were trying to make you something to eat."
"I can see that trying is the operative word." I sighed, seeing that nearly every pot and pan had been used, for only God knows what, because there wasn't a piece of anything worth eating in sight.
"We haven't had the best results."
"Let's just..." I sighed, scratching my head. A big part of me wanted to yell at them the way I should have yelled at Cameron last night and then kick them out, but my misery was ready for a little company. "Go out to eat."
They shared a look between themselves, before they both just stared at me in silence.
"Okay, what now?"
"We just thought you'd enjoy your tortured brooding in a more private setting."
I shrugged. "I'm about to go on tour, might as well get used to faking it."
Cause blue eyes
Frankie sighed loudly, tugging her apron off. "I can't do this." She said and before I could ask what the hell she was talking about, I was already being pulled into a hug by her and given a tight squeeze. Still holding onto me, she said, "Now snap the fuck out of it. When we take cracks at you, don't roll over and take it. We're not Cameron, we actually care about you."
I just wanna be the one.
Groaning, I pushed her away from me. "Stop talking about her."
"What do you want to talk about then?"
"Why I'm going to be forced to live with your overbearing ass."
She smiled at me for a moment, before it began to fade. "Well...it's a long story."
The short version was she'd had yet another knock down drag out bout with her boyfriend and instead of ending in a visit from the police, who had started to know them on a first name basis, it had ended with her getting kicked out.
"Is it too early to start drinking?" Frankie asked.
We were sitting in a booth in the back of I-Hop. I was wearing the classic celebrity hide in the public disguise: sunglasses and a baseball cap. Nobody would ever suspect it was me.
"It's only ten in the morning, but I'm ready for a drink."
"Am I now the only non-depressing person at this table?"
"Pretty much. I hate being single, you're used to it."
"Thanks, Frankie."
"You know what I mean."
"Whatever, you both should be happy to be single. Justin, you're free to sow your wild oats, figure out who you are and who the woman of the moment is before each walk of shame. Frankie...you and Alex made about as much sense together as any decision Britney's made since '04." Trace said, raising his OJ as if to propose a toast. "So you're both free, be happy."
I just wanna sing a song with you.
I just wanna get it on with you.
Slinging back a gulp of her apple juice, Frankie sang dryly. "Don't worry, be happy."
Which only sparked Trace to rousingly sing back. "Hakuna Matata, what a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata, ain't no passing craze."
This perked Frankie up, causing her to sing, "It means no worries for the rest of your days. It's a our problem free...philosophy..."
Cause blue eyes
You're the secret I keep.
I glanced around the room, trying to see how many people might be around to see this spectacle. When their voices started to raise, I tried in vain to shush them. But this only made them louder.
Hiding behind my hands, I sank into the booth, as the two of them continued to sing without a care.
"Hakuna...matata...hakuna...matata...hakuna...matata..." They chanted. Trace leaning forward for 'Hakuna' and then Frankie doing the same for 'Matata'
Cause blue eyes
"It means" I was so disappointed in myself for joining in this, but I did love this song. "No worries for the rest of your days."
Smiling, they blended their voices with mine. "It's our problem free...phil-la-so-pheee...hakuna matata."
I just wanna sing a song with you
They may annoy me. They may even make me wonder why I ever befriended them in the first place. But every now and then they reminded me why I loved their non-singing crazy asses in the first place.
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This chapter featured: Cary Brothers - Blue Eyes
