She's been standing there for some time now. It was the third time she went up to the casket since we got here two hours ago. First she asked me to go up with her, and the second time she asked her dad. Both times she was there for a good amount of time. She didn't say anything, just looked at him with a blank stare. I'd imagine it's exactly what I looked like that day I saw my father being rolled out of my house. This time she was up there alone. I stared at the back of her head for a long time before I blinked away and looked around seeing everyone else doing the same thing. She was his only child, and I know as well as everyone else knew that deep down inside he loved her. His addiction just got the best of him.

My gaze turned back to her as she reached her hand up to touch the side of the casket and bowed her head. I wasn't sure if she was praying or crying until I saw her shoulders start to go up and down. Instinct took over and I stood up from my seat in the back row of the funeral home and was met with my husband doing the same thing. "I've got it," he whispered looking at me with pity in his eyes.

I shook my head putting my hand on his arm, "She needs me..." He nodded placing a kiss on the side of my head before letting me out of the row and sitting back down. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me as I walked up to her but made it a point to not turn around. As much as I wished that they didn't know about my father, they all did, and I couldn't stand to see the look of pity on people’s faces, or the look of disappointment on others, blaming me for doing the same thing to my child that my mother did to me. I put my hand on her back and placed a kiss on the top of her head. She looked up at me, plastering a fake smile on her face, the kid was more like me then I ever could have imagined.

"I'm okay Mommy," she said to me before looking back down at the casket. She hasn't called me that for years, since the day it became uncool for a kid to call their parents anything but Mom and Dad.

Bending down I moved a piece of hair that was in her face behind her hair, "It's okay to be sad you know...I'm sad."

"Why are you sad? You and Daddy were divorced."

"That doesn't mean I don't love him sweetheart. Without him, I wouldn't have you; it's just a different kind of love."

"It's not like how you love Dad?" 

"It's a little different. One day you'll understand the difference."

"I'm sad but I don't want everyone to see me cry," she whispered after a few moments of taking in what I said, "I want to cry because I'm sad that Daddy is gone and because I'm scared that you and Dad are going to leave me too," she looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes.

"Listen to me," I said brushing tears off of her face with my thumbs, "If you feel like you need to cry then it shouldn't matter that people can see you. And nobody is going to leave you. Your daddy didn't leave you either, he would never chose to do that on purpose. This is not your fault."

"But...I said that I didn't want to see him anymore and then he died! I didn't mean it Mommy; I was just so mad that he wasn't going to take me out again after he promised!"

"Lily," I started trying like hell to hold back tears that were threatening to fall, "Your daddy had an addiction. It had nothing to do with you."

"I don't want him to be dead!" She threw her arms around my neck and started sobbing on my shoulder. I've never felt so helpless before in my life. There was absolutely nothing I could do to bring him back and nothing I could say at this moment to make her feel better. The minute you find out your having a child, and even more so that moment you see that child for the first time, no matter who you are, as a mother you vow to that child to never hurt them, and to protect them from everything, and at this moment I'm failing her. The only thing I could do what hold her and let her cry and it was literally breaking my heart to see her in so much pain.

"Your daddy loved you very, very much. I don't want you to ever think differently. And you know that I love you very much too right?"

"Yeah," she whispered backing away and rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand, "And Dad, and Ty."

"Mmhm. We all love you, and we all know that this is very hard for you, and it's hard for us too. So it's okay to be sad okay? It's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry, and it's okay to wish that this didn't happen. I know it hurts a lot baby, if anyone knows how much this hurts it's me, but you'll get through this I promise. We'll all get through this together."

She nodded her head hugging me again before looking at the casket for a few seconds, "I love you too Mommy," the words came out while she was still looking at her father. He loved her...I know deep down he did. All of the awful things he did to me, none of it mattered when it came to her because he loved her. She knew that he did too, but just like me, she was mad at him. Because even though this wasn't her fault, the person that he hurt the most was Lily. "I'm gonna go sit with Grandma okay?"

"Okay sweetie," I stood up brushing my hand down her hair and watched her walk back before turning back to the casket. I knew from day one this was a possibility, but for some reason I just never imagined it happening...again.

***

"Quit fidgeting, it's not that serious..."

"It's not that serious? I'm about to introduce my...my...PERSON to my husband. Not to mention the fact that said person is Justin freakin Timberlake. I'm not entirely sure how he's going to react to that one!"

"I like how you say that...your person. Makes me feel so important."

"Really? That's what you got out of that sentence? He's going to flip Justin."

"You got over it. Look I'm use to people flipping out, they get over it and all is well with the world again."

"It's not...it's not that," I stopped walking just as we hit the entrance to my apartment and sat down on the sidewalk with my face in my hands.

"Hey," I felt a hand go to my back as I sucked in a breath, "Soph, we don't have to do this if you don't want to."

"I'm sorry," I said leaning into him when he wrapped his arm around my shoulders, "It's just that...I don't know I guess he's a jealous person and I'm not sure that he'd appreciate this."

"Okay, its okay," I let a couple of tears fall but brushed them away quickly as he said it. It's not that I didn't want them to meet; it was just that I was afraid Jay would think I was a slut and hit me again. And we're married now so it's not like I can just walk out, but I can't have him hit me while I'm pregnant again. "Why don't we just hang out and write your article. I'll even give you some quotes I wouldn't normally give people just to secure you that job. How does that sound?"

"Yeah, I'd like that," I replied after a few moments looking up at him. "Sorry about all of this, I told you I was a mess."

"It's okay. You're a beautiful mess..."

~

"So with that last rubber ducky statement I think you'll be good to go for the article."

"Shut up," I laughed looking up at him sitting at the piano across the room. We got up after a few minutes of sitting in front of my apartment about four hours ago, got in Justin's car and he just drove not telling me exactly where we were going. I didn't ask until we pulled onto Mulholland Drive and began our assent up the Hollywood Hills, and it was then that he informed me that we were going to his house. It was enormous. His kitchen was the size of my entire apartment. I wanted to explore, and be shocked but I knew I had to play it cool which I did, until he showed me the studio in his basement which is where we've been this whole time.

We wrote my article together and he showed me all of his awards and platinum records. He attempted to show me how to work a soundboard and I watched him work on a song for one of the artists signed to his record label. He then took a seat behind the baby grand piano and I sat down on the couch across from it to start to edit the article while he fooled around on the piano. I didn't take the fact that I was sitting here lightly. For the past two months all I've been reading about was about his life and his career. I know people would pay and exorbitant amount of money to be sitting where I'm I am right now, just shooting the shit while Justin Timberlake sat behind a piano probably composing his next number one hit. I looked up from my notes after he went back to the song and smiled. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel scared, that is until I think about being questioned by Jay when I get home. I looked up at the clock on the wall, 8:30; he's not going to be happy. "I should probably go," I said closing my notebook and hating the fact that this had to end.

He followed my eyes to the clock and nodded, "Come sit for a second," he motioned next to him on the piano bench, "Then I'll get you back to your hubby." I stood up, rubbing my stomach that began to growl as I did and went to sit down next to him. He nudged me with his shoulder when I sat down smiling as his fingers ran over some keys on the piano. "Hungry?"

"A little bit. I've never eaten this much before in my life. I think my kids going to be the fattest baby ever."

"Fat babies are the cutest in my opinion."

"If this baby isn't cute I might give it back."

"No you won't," he said closing his eyes while he started playing a melody, "plus, the baby won't be ugly."

He kept playing for a while, then started humming along and I started getting curious, "New song?"

"Hm? Oh well...not really," he shook his head but kept playing. "Just something that came to me while we were sitting here, it's probably nothing."

"Is this how you write all of your music?"

"Sort of. I need inspiration to write. I can't just sit down with a pen and make something up; it doesn't feel right to me." I nodded and watched the master at work. I could see him getting lost in the melody, his eyes would look up and he'd mouth words and when he thought he got it just right he'd sing them aloud. "And what a beautiful mess...this is..." It was bits and pieces, never a full verse or a full chorus, "Your style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless..." And after about ten or fifteen minutes of this I realized that he was an idiot if he thought this was nothing, "There's no shame in being crazy..." And I also realized that I just witnessed all I needed to secure my place at Rolling Stone.

***

"Soph," I jolted up from where I was sleeping next to Lily on her bed, "Come on, come to bed..." I looked down at my sleeping daughter, curled up in a ball holding onto a stuffed giraffe and kissed her forehead before I grabbed his hands and let him pull me up off of the bed. We walked silently hand in hand to our bedroom where I immediately curled up next to him as he wrapped his arm around me. Letting out a deep sigh I placed a kiss on his exposed chest and he returned one to the top of my head. "She's going to be okay," he whispered rubbing my back.

It's been two weeks since I started lying with her in bed every night to get her to stop crying and go to sleep. She's really strong during the day, especially in front of her brother and her friends, and we try to keep her occupied to take her mind off of it, but once she gets into bed and has a second to think she loses it. It's something I never did. It's something I wish I was able to do so that I could get all of my feelings out. It's something I'm glad she's doing. I just wonder how long is too long, when does this turn into something that is not normal? "What time do you leave tomorrow?" I asked avoiding the statement as to not worry him into thinking this isn't normal to.

"My flights at eleven."

"Okay, are you all packed?"

"Yeah..." He trailed off and I attempted to fall asleep, but just like every day this week I wasn't able to. Not because I didn't want to, but because all I could think of was how I didn't think I'd be able to handle the situation I'm in without him for a week and a half. I could just tell him not to go, he'd cancel his plans even though he's signed contracts if I need him here, but I'm out to prove to him and more importantly to myself that I'm strong enough to do this on my own. "Do you want me to stay?" He asked after I sighed for what was possibly the hundredth time.

I shook my head saying no quickly, "We'll be fine. Go to work babe."

"You'll call if you need me right? I'll be on the next flight..."

"I'll call even if I don't need you."

"She's going to be okay," he said again, as if to reassure himself that him leaving for work was the right thing to do. Or maybe he was questioning if this was starting to get abnormal too.

This was weighing down a lot on us. We tried so hard to make everything be as normal as possible, and we did when it came down to Lily. But when it was just us...that was a different story. Our conversations always focused on her, the romance was dying, and our sex life was non-existent. Our lives were completely revolving around her. Both of us knew this was going down a road that it shouldn't, but neither one of us had the power to stop it because neither one of us wanted to be the one to hurt her more then she already was.

***

He didn't even say anything before he hit me the second I walked in the door. No questions were asked, no degrading comments were spit at me. Just a hard fist right in the face the minute the door opened. I wondered how long he had been standing there for before I got home. I wondered what it would take to convince me to leave. I could taste blood in my mouth, but I didn't say anything. I just looked down at the floor with one hand on my stomach and the other one clutching my notebook. I didn't fight back for fear of it being worse for the baby if I did. I shouldn't have lied to Justin. I should have been honest when he asked if Jay had ever hit me. But I said no because I didn't want him to think less of me, and also because I knew he wouldn't let me go back and I couldn't be pregnant, married, and divorced before I even hit legal drinking age. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I said no to Justin, and I walked past Jay like nothing about what just happened was wrong directly to my computer.

Dear Justin...