Jay doesn't know about Justin. Jay doesn't even know that I've been writing letters back and forth to the same person for 10 years, never mind that he's not only a male but a celebrity. I don't want Jay to know about Justin, but keeping the information from him has been getting harder and harder. It's been 3 months since I found out that Justin was...Justin. We still talk often but I've only seen him once since our first meeting. Partially because he's been traveling and partially because I'm petrified of what Jay would do to me if he found out.

The hitting has continued, but it's happening less and less often. The E-Mail's to Justin have continued as well, but they're getting less and less truthful. I know if I tell him my family will be broken apart and I can't have that. I just got my mother on board with all of this, and in less then 4 months I'm going to be a mother myself, family needs to come first.

I skipped class today due to the fact that my feet were so swelled up this morning that I could barely stand up without wobbling. Jay says I'm a complainer and that I'm looking for attention. I let it go in one ear and out the other and not let it bother me because he just doesn't understand. So I moped around in bed until about noon when I was finally able to stand up normally and then I started to clean the house for two reasons. One, because Jay liked a clean house and since we officially moved in together to a new apartment he's been on my ass about keeping up with the cleaning, and two, because my mother was coming to visit tomorrow.

It's taken a lot for my mother and me to get to the place where we are at in our relationship. I've never asked her to be happy for me, or think that what I've done is right. I just need her there to support me and just not hate me. I can almost hear her roll her eyes at me over the phone sometimes, but it's better then not talking on the phone at all.

My music was blaring which is probably the reason why I didn't hear the doorbell ringing. I did however hear the loud pounding on the door and immediately turned the stereo off. I looked up at the calendar hanging on the wall to make sure I wasn't going crazy and that my mother was suppose to arrive today. When I confirmed my brain was still firmly planted in my head I figured she just came a day early and wobbled as quickly as I possibly could to the front door to greet her. "Well you're a day..."

"Hi..."

I looked up expecting to see my mother's smiling face looking at me, but found blue eyes that were not hers instead. "What...How? I moved..."

"I know I went to your old apartment. Your roommate told me your new address."

"You what? Jesus so much for privacy...and wait you yourself went?"

"It doesn't matter the point is--"

"The point is that you're stalking me Justin! You can't be here...you have to leave!"

"I'm not leaving Soph unless you come with me."

I shook my head looking down at the floor, "I-I-I can't come with you. I don't..." I trailed off knowing damn well that if I said I didn't want to it would be a lie, and lying in an E-Mail is way easier then lying to a person's face.

"You do want to," he said lifting my face up to meet his eyes with his finger, "Soph, I can't let you stay here."

"You don't know what I want Justin, and you don't know what it's like here so maybe you should just butt out and leave! What gives you the right to...to just show up and act like you're my father?"

"I know you and I know you don't want to be here but you're afraid to leave, so I'm going to make you leave whether you like it or not."

"You're a fucking crazy person! You have no clue what you're talking about," I replied getting more and more uncomfortable by the second.

"I KNOW THAT HE HITS YOU!" He screamed so loud I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood heard him, and his face was turning all shades of red. He cared. He's cared for 10 years. He's been the only one that's really cared and all I could do was stand there and push him away.

"Justin...he doesn't...I just don't..." I shook my head tears welling up at the bottom of my eyes, "I can't go with you...you just need to leave."

***

"Mom is Lily going to be okay?"

"She's just a little upset buddy she'll be okay eventually," I replied patting him on the head as I cleared the dishes from the kitchen table.

"She doesn't play with me anymore, and yesterday on the bus she was crying."

She wasn't even hiding it anymore. I've been dealing with this for two weeks on my own and it's getting worse and worse. She quit talking to me about anything, my five year old spy has been reporting that she's been losing it not only on the bus but even in school, and her teachers have called suggesting counseling. As much as I was trying to hold myself together for my family and deal with this situation, it was getting harder and harder to do and I didn't want to admit that we couldn't get through this together. Did it mean I was a failure if she needed counseling? Is she ever going to get back to the happy, bubbly, smiling Lily we all know and love? "I'll tell you what. Why don't you go in the playroom and draw her a really cool picture and I'll go talk to her, deal?"

He opened his mouth to say something when my phone started ringing in front of where he was sitting on the table, "DADDY! Look Mom its Daddy! Can I answer pleeeeease?!"

"Go ahead," I said it with a smile but inside was a different story. Of course I wanted my son to talk to his father who he's been missing for 14 days, but at the same time I didn't want Lily to hear his excitement, and I wanted to be really selfish and talk to him myself.

"HI DADDY! Yeah...No...Yeah...I did my homework already...Mmhmm...She's washing dishes...She's crying in her ro-"

"Give me the phone!" I quickly ran over to my son who looked like he was going to start hysterically crying after I snatched the phone from his hand, "Just...I'm sorry don't cry...I just really need to talk to Daddy okay? Go draw that picture for Lily while I talk to him."

"Fiiiiiiine."

I let out a sigh hitting my forehead with my hand now assuming that I've managed to fuck up both of my children before I put the phone to my ear, "Hi honey..."

"She's crying in her room again? Soph she needs to see someone."

"She's fine...It's just hard. You don't understand it hasn't happened to you. She'll be okay. I can handle this!"

"This is beyond what we can handle it's been over a month and it's just getting worse."

"It's not!" I yelled throwing a pot that I was washing into the sink scaring myself even though I knew it was coming. "It's...it's not," I whispered holding back tears willing them not to fall. 

"I'm coming home. This is getting ridiculous, I should have never left in the first place, not at a time like this and especially not for longer then I had originally planned."

"She's going to be okay, I know she will."

"This isn't just about her anymore Soph. Look at us! All we've been doing is fighting, you are stressed out 24/7, and it's having an effect on Ty, on her schoolwork. We're hurting her more then we're helping her."

"I can't make her talk to someone if she doesn't want to! Plus if she wants to talk she knows she can talk to me. This will pass, it passed for me and it will pass for her."

"It passed for you because you had someone to talk to Soph, someone that wasn't your mother or your friends. It passed because you had someone to listen and not put in there two cents. It doesn't make you a failure as a mother if she sees a therapist. It just means you care enough about her to help her."

I turned the water off and leaned against the kitchen sink with my hand on my forehead. I didn't say anything for a while just took a few deep breaths. He was right, he usually is these days, but I don't want her to hate me for making her go talk to a stranger if she doesn't want to. "I'm going crazy," I whispered letting the tears that have been threatening to fall go, "I don't know how to fix it and sometimes I just want to shake the life out of her so that she'll talk and get through this but I can't. I signed those papers when she was born saying I wouldn't shake her remember?" A small smile creeped onto my face when I said it. How I could joke at a time like this I'm not sure but if it stopped the tears from falling I had to do it.

"I told you not to sign them," he replied with a chuckle.

"Are you sure this doesn't make me a bad parent?"

"I'm sure baby. She loves you no matter what, and whether she's happy about it in the beginning or not, once she gets help she'll understand why we made her do it and she'll thank us. I know you don't want to see her hurting like this, and I don't like to see it either. I also don't like seeing you hurting for her. This will help I promise."

"Okay," I said hesitantly, "I'll call the lady the school counselor recommended."

"I love you Soph, see you in a couple of days okay?"

"I love you too." I put the phone down on the counter, and put my head down on top of my folded arms. She was handling it so well, talking and making sure to tell us if she was sad and then one day she just stopped and it turned into a shit show.

"Am I making you crazy?" I spun around at the sound of Lily's voice to see her standing in the doorway of the kitchen, tears staining her cheeks.

"Oh Lily...no...no sweetie you are not making me crazy," I said practically sprinting over to her and scooping her up in a hug.

"You can shake me if you want to..."

"No baby I don't want to shake you...I didn't really mean that." I backed away brushing some excess tears off of her face, "Come sit on the couch with me okay?" She nodded and held my hand while we walked into the living room. Once we sat down she curled up into a ball and snuggled into my side. I draped my arm around her shoulders placing a kiss on the top of her head. I took a deep breath before speaking, trying to figure out the right words to say, "Are you having a hard time at school Lily?" She didn't say anything, just nodded as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "Are you sad about Daddy?"

"I try not to be," she replied holding on for dear life.

"What do you think about me, you and dad going to talk to someone about it?"

"Do I have to go alone?"

"Not if you don't want to at first, but maybe after a while. It might be easier if me and dad aren't there for you to talk about how you really feel."

"Can I talk to the lady alone so that I don't make you sad too?"

"You can do whatever you want. But Lily, I don't want you to think you can't talk to me because it will make me sad. If you want to talk to me or Dad you can...anytime."

"I know but I--"

"Look Lily I drew you a picture!" Tyler stormed into the room holding up a piece of construction paper with stick figures all over it.

She took the picture out of his hand and looked up at me before smiling back down at Tyler. "Thanks dude," she said patting him on the head, "Maybe we can go to the park and play on the swing set tomorrow if Mom will let us."

"Can we Momma? Can we?" He was jumping now, excited about the possibility of going to the park but I think more so about having his sister back.

I kissed Lily on the head one more time meeting her gaze. I didn't think she'd be open to this but it seems like she's wanted to find a solution to this problem for a while. I shifted back to Tyler who was practically on his knees begging for me to say yes to a play date tomorrow. "Sure," I said motioning for him to give me a kiss on the cheek. He threw his arms around my neck and I soon felt two more sets of arms wrap around me too. This is the life, I thought kissing both of my children as they backed away, praying at the same time that things would be back to normal after Lily got some help so that we could go back to smiles everyday instead of tears.

***

I've never been hit with a ton of bricks so I don't really know what it feels like but I can imagine it feels the same way I do right now as I look beyond Justin's head and see Jay's car pull up in front of the apartment. This is not going to end well if Justin goes all hero on me and tries to start shit with Jay. It won't end well for me, it won't end well for Justin and it certainly won't end well for my unborn child. I had to do something to convince him of this but the only thing I could think of to do was to agree with him and that's the last thing I wanted. So instead of saying anything I let my emotions get the best of me and just started crying. Justin turned to follow my gaze and saw Jay stepping out of the car. I imagined he knew it was him with my reaction and the quick jerk of his head back to look at me made my focus on him again. I tried to form a sentence, anything that would make this situation easier for all of us. I could feel my lips moving but nothing was coming out and I'm sure there was a look of panic in my eyes the minute I saw the look on Jay's face as he started his accent up the steps, "Please..." I whispered looking back at Justin.

"Who's this?" His tone was calmer than I expected it to be, but still came off extremely accusatory.

I opened my mouth to say something, what I wasn't sure but Justin spoke first, "I was looking for Jay uh...Jay...Callahan."

I let out a breath that I hadn't realized I was holding in. I thought for sure he'd just punch him in the face but I guess the tears actually worked, "I'm Jay Callahan, what can I do for you?"

"I uh...you uh...YOU WON! The spend a day with a famous musician contest you entered at USC, you won! Congratulations, it's me...and the day is today!"

"I didn't enter such a contest and today isn't a good day for me sorry..." he trailed off walking past Justin and grabbing my arm all too hard for my liking.

"Well, someone signed you up and I had to rearrange my whole schedule for this so it looks like you're stuck with me!" His voice was laced with excitement, but the look he was giving Jay made me think he was going to try to kick the shit out of him.

"Look I don't have the time today okay? And I never signed up for this shit. So take it as a day off and get on with your life!"

"Listen dude, you're stuck with me so why don't you just invite me in and it can be spend a day with a college student day or something. I'm not allowed to leave I signed a contract, and maybe you could loosen your grip on your girl, you're being a little rough with her don't you think?"

I looked down and watched Jay release my arm before looking back up at Justin. "I don't understand why you can't just leave..."

"And I don't understand why you can't just let me in..."

He kept looking back between Justin and me. Once, twice, three times before he rolled his eyes and let out a breath, "Whatever dude, this is stupid, just come in I guess." He turned around and walked into the house. I said a silent thank you to whatever God was listening before looking up at Justin pleading with my eyes to just keep his mouth shut.

"Please..."

"You said that already," he whispered giving me a dirty look, "Just go in the house...this isn't over."