"So... I was thinking that since your mom hasn't really been able to get too much work done lately and Ty and I are going to go to the beach this weekend you should probably come with us Lil. What do you think?"

Here it comes, I thought to myself as his voice trailed off. First there will just be an attitude and in a couple of hours it'll be screaming and crying and her thinking she's done something wrong. In reality this is my fault. I'm the one that had unprotected sex at the ripe age of 19, got pregnant and decided to make an honest woman out of myself and marry the guy before I even knew how many siblings he had or what his parents names were even though everyone around me told me not to. Her tears are usually followed closely with my own for putting her through this once she's out of sight.

"Really? I love the beach...can we drive down to Newport?"

"We can go anywhere you want," he said squeezing my knee under the table as both of us let out a sigh of relief realizing she had forgotten about her plans with her father this weekend.

The conversation ended. We were back to silence and for that I was so grateful. I looked up smiling at the man next to me, the man that always found a way to make every blow lighter then it would have been without him, the one with all the answers. He winked at me reaching across the table to pass me the salad and I let my hand lightly brush against his as the bowl was exchanged between the two of us. It was a silent thank you, not visible to the naked eye, but he knew.

"Oh!" Lily spoke across from me and my heart began to sink knowing that she remembered, "I have plans with Daddy this weekend, but can we go to the beach next week?"

"I don't think your dad is going to be able to make it this weekend munchkin. And I'm pretty sure the beach and some shopping is calling your name..."

"Oh he'll make it this weekend...We got tickets to the Dodgers game, and he said we could get a hotdog and everything."

I looked up at the smile she had on her face. He was letting her down...again. I then looked to my right and saw the look of defeat on his face. It was my turn to be the bad guy...I'm always the bad guy. "Lily I talked to your dad today and he told me he has to postpone the game...he can't make it," I said watching her eyes fill up with tears as each word came out of my mouth. She didn't say anything in response just looked down at the chicken on her plate before picking up her knife and continuing to eat. "But it's okay because now you can go to the beach with Ty and Dad..."

"Yeah Lily we can build sandcastles at the beach and bury Dad's feet like we did last time," my five year old who was always looking to comfort someone said while putting his hand on her arm. "We'll have fun!"

"Maybe," was her defeated response before throwing her fork down on her plate, "May I be excused?"

"Sure," I replied watching her throw her chair back and walk upstairs to her room. My ears were soon met with the slamming of her bedroom door, and I sat waiting for the screaming to start.

Feeling a kiss on my cheek I looked up, "I'll go handle her Soph. You get this guy ready for bed," he said tickling his son. I nodded and got up scrapping the food that I was no longer hungry for into the garbage as I watched him walk up the steps.

"Alright buddy lets get you washed up and ready for bed..."

***

You always hear about guilt. There are all different kinds. Catholic guilt, Jewish guilt, Wife guilt...But right now as I lie in my bed half asleep all I could feel was Mother's guilt. Knowing that your child is upset over something that was your fault, and you not being able to do anything about it felt like a knife going in and out of your chest over and over again. I failed her as a mother. I broke the promise I made to her when she was just a few minutes old. I promised her that I'd never let anyone hurt her because in my head that one time her father hit me would never happen again because he was a Dad now and every thing was going to change. In my head we'd live happily ever after, and as a family pain, and hurt wouldn't be able to get us if we all just stuck together. I broke the promise the day I said I forgive you to her father and allowed him in her life, and I will forever regret those words coming out of my mouth, and I will forever feel guilty of hurting her even if I wasn't the one that bailed on her.

As exhausted as I was I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. I'd lay awake all night thinking of all the things I should have done in my life to avoid the tears and screams that were coming out of her mouth right now. I'd beat myself up about not knowing the right way to deal with the situation, and needing my husband to fix something that I broke. Deep down I know it's not all my fault but there's no telling yourself that and actually believing it when your flesh and blood, a person that you love more then you could ever love yourself hates your guts and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

So instead of sleeping I pretend to be asleep when he comes in the room kissing my forehead before slipping under to covers next to me. I'm sure he knows I'm faking but he knows me well enough to realize I don't want to talk about it because if we do I'll lose it too and I need to stay strong, not just for me but for my kids. After a few minutes I can feel his breath steady on my neck and I know he's sleeping. I open my eyes and rub my thumb over his hand wishing that everything in my life could be this perfect when I hear my bedroom door open with a squeak. Quickly my eyes are closed again as the padding of little feet make their way over to the bed.

"Mom?" It was Lily...I really should open my eyes and be a responsible adult about this but it all of a sudden felt like there were bricks holding my eyelids down. "Mom?" It was louder this time and I felt him wake up behind me. He'd talk to her...He knows how to fix this better then I do anyway, so I kept my eyes closed cursing myself for not knowing what to do or say.

"What's up Lil?" he crocked out sleepily.

"I need to talk to Mom."

"Mom's had a pretty rough day...Come on," he said patting the bed, "Come sit up here and talk to me." I felt the bed shift as she made her way up before I got kicked in the back with a foot. She settled in between us and I felt his hand go to my back rubbing where it got kicked at the same time letting me know he knew I was awake. "What's up munchkin?"

"Why doesn't my dad love me?" Remember that knife from before stabbing me over and over again?  Well it's back...stabbing me even harder this time.

"He does love you. I think that he's just not really sure how to show you that sometimes. But I know that he does..."

"How do you know?"

"You know how your Mom and Dad got divorced?" he asked, and I assumed she nodded her response when he continued without her speaking, "Well my Mom and Dad got divorced too when I was really young. I'd see my Dad every so often, maybe two or three times a year until my Mom got remarried just like your Mom did. But after my Mom got remarried, I never saw my Dad anymore even though I always tried to reach out to him. He kind of just dropped me like an old piece of trash or something. See the difference between my Dad and your Dad is that you still see and talk to yours and I haven't had any contact with mine since I was about 8 years old. I know your Dad loves you because he's told me, and because I see how happy he gets when he sees you. I think that there's other stuff going on in his life that sometimes makes him a little confused, but he always comes back around right?"

"I guess...but I wish he was always around like you're always around for Tyler, because it's not fair that he gets to have a Mom and Dad all the time and I only get to have a Mom and Dad sometimes."

I felt her body move from leaning against mine and heard him pick her up and kiss her cheek. "You always have me kid. I know I'm not your biological Dad but I love you and care about you just as much as I love and care about Mom and Ty. So technically he should actually be jealous of you because you have two Dad's and a Mom and he only has one of each..."

"Why do you love me as much if I'm not really yours?"

"You are really mine Lily. I've been around since before you even remember. I changed your poopy diapers, and you spit up all over me. Just because my blood doesn't run through you doesn't make you any less mine. I took care of you just like I took care of Ty. I love you and you're just going to have to deal with it whether you like it or not." I rolled over opening my eyes to a squint to watch him tickle her, loud laughter filling the room. "And your Mom loves you too. So much. It kills her to see you upset when he does this to you. So don't you ever doubt that she loves you less then anyone else. She'd do anything for you."

She wiggled out of his grasp settling between us again as instinct took over and I wrapped my arm around her kissing the back of her head. "Can I sleep with you guys tonight?" she asked, her voice chipper letting me know that their talk helped pick up her mood.

"Are you going to steal all the blankets and kick me off the bed?"

"Daaaaad," she drew out his name trying to make her laughter subside. A soft chuckle came from his side of the bed as I felt Lily settle her back on me and his arm go around the both of us. Maybe I will get some sleep after all tonight. "Hey Dad?"

"Mmhm?"

"Can we still go to the beach?"

"Yeah Lil, we'll go to the beach," he replied his voice drowning out with sleep.

I felt sleep taking over my body when she spoke a few minutes later, "Dad?"

"What Lily?" His voice was a bit rough this time, annoyed that she kept waking him up and probably hoping that this didn't happen all night.

"I love you..."

A smile was instantly plastered on my face as I felt him pull her into a hug and kiss her cheek. It wasn't every day that your 10 year old told you they loved you. It was mostly I hate you's and I wish you didn't exist's, and even though she said it to him and not me I knew she meant it for both of us and that lifted about 100 pounds off of my shoulders. "I love you too munchkin."

***

"I can't believe she's been lying to me the whole time!" It was the last day of school, which meant we were getting our last pen pal letters today. Lauren got hers first and both of us were applauded when her pen pal came clean about the fact that she didn't already have a car, nor did she know Debbie Gibson. This girl was a huge fraud...sure she lived in California but she didn't mention she lived in a shack in East LA. Mrs. Green told us this morning that if we wanted them, she'd give us our pen pal's addresses so that we could keep in touch over the summer, but I don't think Lauren will be taking hers.

"She strung us along for so long," I said waiting impatiently for my letter, "What a bitch!"

"SOPHIE!" Had I known Mrs. Green was right in front of me I probably wouldn't have said bitch, but lets face it...This girl lying for the last nine months pretty much made her a huge bitch. "If I hear that again you're going to the principal!"

"Sorry," I said reaching up for my letter and ripping it open as fast as possible.

Dear Pen Pal,

Can you believe the school year is over? Things are going to be pretty crazy for me this summer. Remember when I told you I went down to Florida with my mom? Well I auditioned for something down there and they chose me for it, so I'm going to be living there for the whole summer this year. I'm excited to get out of Tennessee but I'll probably miss my family and friends a lot. My teacher told us that if we wanted to keep in touch we should give her our address so I gave her the one in Orlando and the one in Millington if you want to still write over the summer.

Did Lauren's pen pal ever figure out a way for you to meet Debbie Gibson? I still think she's lying by the way...who really has a car before they can even drive? Oh and I forgot to ask you last time if Lauren really ended up quitting baseball and doing gymnastics. That would totally suck if she did because she's suppose to be your best friend and best friends don't leave you hanging.

Did your mom and dad get you that bike you asked for for your birthday? It sounded really cool, and I bet if you practiced you could do tricks on it too. Trace has a bike that he rides all the time and he can do jumps and stuff with it. I want to learn how to do that too, but basketball takes up a lot of my time.

Well, I hope we can write over the summer because even though we hated each other at first I've kind of grown to like getting your letters. But if you don't want to, have a good summer and maybe we'll be pen pals next year too.

JT

"Mrs. Green can I have my pen pal's address?" I yelled it out without raising my hand less then a second after I finished reading the letter.

"Sure Sophie, here you go I think your pen pal has two addresses."

"One is in Florida and one is in Tennessee," I said enthused, "He's spending the summer in Orlando."

"That's great! I'm glad you were able to be pen pals even though he's a boy," she smiled walking over to Lauren, "Would you like your pen pal's address?"

"NO!" she screamed, "She lied to me this whole time...so unfair!"

"I'm sorry sweetheart, maybe next year you'll get a better one."

Lauren went off on a rampage about her pen pal but I didn't really catch most of it since I was too busy writing my first summer letter to Justin. Turns out he wasn't half as bad as I expected him to be; in fact he wasn't bad at all. We had a lot in common and always had something to talk about, and about 4 weeks in I actually started to look forward to getting his letter. Somehow he even got me into music more then I already was, and I asked my mom and dad if I could take guitar lessons this summer and they said I could. It's kind of cool to be able to tell someone that you don't even really know in real life about stuff that you don't feel comfortable telling your parents too. Some things I don't even tell Lauren anymore because she's kind of drifting off to the Girly Girl side, but I guess it's not bothering me as much as it would if I couldn't talk to Justin. If that's not a statement I never thought I'd say...I don't know what is.