From as far back as I can remember I've compared my life to a game of Monopoly. Normal people compared it to the game of Life, but I think we've all concluded that there is nothing normal about me. Today started out as a St. James Place kind of day. Not too good, but not too bad. He took the kids to the beach so that I could get some "work" done. I say work lightly because there's always a bigger reason behind the things he does rather then just work. It was nice to have a quiet house, no kids running around, no chores to do, just me, my notes and my computer. I was this close to landing on free parking. But it gets hard after a while to keep forcing your brain to think solely about work and not about the date sitting on the calendar, popping out at you every time you look to the bottom right hand side of the computer screen or on the gigantic desk calendar sitting right in eye view when you look down at your notes. 

***

1995

At 14 most girls, well...most kids don't really enjoy their parents. But not me. I was Daddy's little princess. Always have been and it was something that even in my early teens I knew was really special and I cherished it. So every morning before I went off to school I'd sit at the kitchen table and eat breakfast with my Dad. He'd read the sports section of the daily newspaper to me while I ate my cheerio's and banana making comments here and there about the current world of sports.

I took the stairs two at a time this morning with it being the day after the World Series and all and noticed my Dad wasn't perched at the table with my breakfast ready to go. It didn't happen often, but there were days that he'd sleep through his alarm or hit snooze one too many times, so I didn't really think too much of it. I ran to the front door to grab the newspaper and set it on the table next to my bowl of cereal that I made myself. After I finished I washed my dish putting it back in the cabinet like it was never touched and made my way to the school bus.

It was a normal day at school for me. Classes galore, lunch with my girls, a free period spent playing solitaire on the computer in the library and a boring bus ride home. I was met with some shock however when I turned the corner to my street and saw fire trucks, police cars and ambulances in front of my house. Most people would drop everything and run, but me...I just stood there knowing deep down what had happened but hoping if I didn't see anything it wouldn't actually be true. Finally after about an hour of standing on the corner, after I watched him being wheeled out covered by a crisp white sheet, after all of the lights stopped flashing and the trucks were no longer there, my mother met me and walked with me silently into my house.

I knew what had happened. No one needed to explain it. We all knew it would happen it was just a matter of when. I layed on my bed thinking about how I could have stopped it. How instead of walking away when I saw him about to get high in the bathroom I should have yelled at him...or begged him to stop for me. For us. For our relationship. If anyone could have stopped him it was me. I was his princess, and the only person walking the earth that he'd do anything for. But I let him do it because I was scared that if I yelled at him I wouldn't be his little girl anymore, and now he's dead, and it's all my fault.

Two days had past before I spoke anything of significance to my mother. We were never close really. I mean sure I loved her and we spoke but we weren't half as close as my dad and me. She wasn't good with feelings, and to be honest neither was I, so when she came in my room and sat on the edge of my bed looking like she wanted to chat I nearly passed out.

"Grandma and Grandpa are staying here tonight, and we'll leave first thing in the morning for the funeral okay?"

"So we're just going to skip the whole look at a dead body in a casket thing?" I asked hoping she'd say yes. Praying that I wouldn't have to see my father's lifeless body lying in a hunk of metal that probably cost more money then I'll ever see in my life.

She cleared her throat looking down at her hands. "We're not having a wake, your dad didn't want one."

"Good."

"Sophie do you...Are you okay? Do you want to talk?" I shook my head. Of course I wanted to talk, but not to her, nothing would come of that. She'd start crying and I'd have to console her. That was the last thing I wanted to do. "It's just that...You haven't said much. I haven't even seen you cry..."

"I'm not an idiot Mom," I replied in a tone that was probably a little too harsh for the circumstances, "We all knew he was doing drugs. Hell he was probably lying dead next to a needle. I knew it was going to happen, what's left to talk about really? Do you want to lecture me about how doing drugs is bad and could kill you? Because I think I know that first hand..."

She stood up abruptly, probably not expecting such an outburst from me. "This came for you today," she said handing me an envelope with a familiar scroll on it before walking out and closing my bedroom door behind her.

I was expecting the letter, but at this point I wasn't sure if I actually wanted to read it, so I sat on my bed contemplating even opening the envelope. I fell asleep clinging to the envelope like it was an actual person begging for someone to hold me back. When I woke up three hours later I didn't even think, I just ripped it open and started reading hoping to go into a world where reality didn't exist.

Dear Pen Pal,

You know I was thinking, we've been writing to each other for like 6 years and still call each other pen pal. We should probably cut the shit with that and just stick to our normal names. Anyway, sorry it took so long to get back to you. I was away for a couple of weeks and then when I got back things got a little crazy, all the while my dad has been on my ass about catching up on my schoolwork and he hasn't let me do anything besides that for the past two weeks. He is such a pain in my ass sometimes.

How's school going for you? Is sophomore year better then freshman year was so far? Any new boyfriends or do you still think that all people of the opposite gender have cooties? Oh, I went to the Aerosmith concert the other day...Seriously Soph, best night of my life. I had awesome seats and caught a guitar pick from Joe Perry. If they come to Vegas you have to go...I'm telling you just trust me, and go. I bet your Dad would take you since he's into music and stuff too. It could be like a father daughter date or something.

Look sorry to cut this short but my Dad is taking me golfing today but I have to clean my room first and if I don't get on it soon I'm going to miss my tee time. I know it's short and all but I wanted to get this out to you since it's been so long anyway. But I got a computer with AOL so if you want to E-Mail me you can jlake131@aol.com. If not just write me back. Talk to you soon.

Justin

I got off of my bed faster then I ever have before and sat down at the computer in the corner of my bedroom. I closed my eyes and waited for AOL to connect and shot up once I heard "Welcome, you've got mail!" I pulled up a blank E-Mail and started typing. To be honest I didn't know what I was writing. I just typed. I typed it all because I knew that somehow, someway he's become my person. I could yell at him, and get mad at him, and tell him every single thing that I felt and he wouldn't get mad. He'd still be my pen pal...he'd still be Justin, and unlike everyone else in my life he'd try his best to understand and be there for me no questions asked.

Justin,

You're right...this whole dear pen pal thing is dumb. You know what else is dumb? The fact that you're calling your father a pain in the ass. You should be happy he's making you do things and is actually taking part in your life, because not all fathers do that. Some father's they make you think they're involved...they even eat breakfast with you everyday and read the sports section to you, and make you THINK they care but in reality they don't. Instead they do things with you until you get your own ass on the bus to go to school and then they shoot fucking heroin in the bathroom. Then when the heroin wears off, they snort cocaine and top off the day with a joint. THAT is what some fathers do...THAT is a father that's a pain in the ass. Because everyday you go to school wondering if you're going to come home and your father is going to be dead. Whenever you hear an ambulance you wonder if today is the day. How is that for a pain in the ass huh? Then one day your going to come home from school and watch them take your dad out of your house covered in a sheet because he's dead, and then you'll wish that your dad actually cared if your schoolwork got done or if your room was clean. You'll see then that it's more then eating breakfast and reading the sports section and being his princess that makes him a father. You'll see that he probably wasn't a father at all.

My father is dead Justin. DEAD. And you're sitting here complaining because you need to clean your room. Well guess what...I'd kill to hear him tell me to clean my room, or to do my homework, or anything but I'll never hear that because I'll never hear his voice again. So if I were you I'd be thanking my lucky stars that I actually have a father that I can see, and touch and talk to okay?

And my mother...My fucking mother...I don't want to talk, she keeps asking me if I want to and I don't! I don't want to talk to her because she'll cry and I'll be the one to console her and guess what...YOU'RE MY MOTHER! You should be consoling me. All I want from her...all I want from anyone is a fucking hug. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay and actually make it be okay. I know he's not coming back I get it...I'm 14, not 5 but he's the only one that told me it would be okay when something went wrong and now he's not hear to fix it. My father died two days ago and his funeral is tomorrow. My father overdosed on drugs and died, and guess what, we didn't even need to do an autopsy because we all knew what happened. We all knew he did drugs and none of us did anything about it because we were too scared he'd hate us. And now I'm alone, and I'll admit...I'm scared shitless.

By the way, this is my E-Mail address the one that this E-Mail came from...I hope you had fun golfing.

Sophia

***

"MOM WE'RE HOME!"

I snapped out of the daze I've been in for most of the day and ran my thumb over the date on the calendar. It's been 15 years since he's died. He's officially been gone for more then half my life. How is it that I still wished to hear him tell me everything would be okay? "I'm in my office," I yelled back before hearing feet pitter-patter up the steps.

"Mom, you missed such a good time you totally should have come...Me and Ty buried Dad's feet and then we went in the water with our boogie boards. The waves were so big I thought they were going to eat us-"

"And then," Tyler interrupted, "Then I asked Daddy and Lily to bury my feet, but instead they just buried me and all that was left sticking out was my head and I think I even had sand in my pants. It was so fun and I wish you saw me buried!"

"That sounds awesome you guys," I replied kissing each of there foreheads, "why don't you go get ready for a shower and you can tell me all about it after okay?"

They started running out the door and I watched as Tyler stopped halfway in the hallway and halfway in my office, "Will you come next time Mommy? It wasn't as fun without you..."

"Anything for you baby," I replied with a smile and watched him turn to catch up with his sister.

***

Soph,

I don't think anything I can say will help, but I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. You never mentioned any of the bad stuff before so I had no idea. I can't tell you I know how you feel because I don't but I can only imagine what you must be going through. If you ever want to talk or vent or anything I want you to know that I'm here for you. Since I got AOL I check my E-Mail's constantly so I promise I will get back to you the second I have a minute to.

I know you feel like you don't have anyone right now but you've got me...Who would of thought that one day we'd be at this point huh? The first letter I got from you, you called me gay and said you never wanted to talk to me again and now all I really want to do is be able to give you a hug and make it all better for you. I know it doesn't seem like it now Soph, now that your life seems to be in shambles, but it will be okay. One day, it'll all be okay and that's a promise I intend to keep.

Tomorrow is going to be really hard but just know that I'll be thinking of you all day and sending good vibes your way. And if I know anything about you from writing for so long, I know that you put on a tough act but I want you to know it's okay to cry. And I also want you to know that this wasn't your fault.

Anything I can do Soph seriously please let me know and I'll do it okay? I'm so sorry...

Justin