I didn't think I'd be able to do it. To be a better mother to my daughter then my own was to me. For the first couple of days I wasn't. I could barely look at her and I pawned her off onto my husband. On that third day though he sat me down and put me in my place. He wasn't nice about it, but I understood that it was the only way to get through to me.

"This has to stop Soph. She needs you."

"She has you..." I pulled the covers over my head so that I was now completely under them. The wake is tonight and I just can't bring myself to go. How was I supposed to watch my child go through this?

"You're her mother," he said pulling the covers back.

"And you're her father!"

"Soph get up right now."

"I'm not going!"

"SOPHIA!" A shiver ran through my body so strong that I physically shook as tears pooled at the bottom of my eyes. He sat down on the bed placing a kiss softly on my forehead. "She needs you," he said again, this time in a more soothing tone. "I don't know what this is like. I can't be everything she needs as much as I wish I could be, for you and for her. Don't be like your mom Soph..."

"I don't know how to take her pain away I-I just-I just don't know how to make this better or easier or anything. I don't understand why this is happening..."

"Come here," he reached his hand out for me to take pulling me up to sit next to him. I put my head on his shoulder brushing the tears that were now falling away with my thumbs. "You can't take her pain away, and I know that's hard for you to hear but you can't. You know firsthand that you can try and push it away as hard as you can...convince yourself that it doesn't hurt anymore but it always will. Just let her know that she's not alone. Be everything you wish your mother was."

"I'm really bad at this."

"Hey...Look at me," instinct had me turn to look up at him, his eyes sad. "I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth again. You are-"

"I'm not," I cut him off and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"Never."

Sometimes he treated me more like a father then a husband. Sometimes I need that. "Okay." I sighed standing up, trying to mentally prepare myself for the state my daughter was in.

"You're not in this alone this time Sophie. I'm right here."

***

"So let’s see the bling!" We were sitting at a back table inside Villa Blanca, a restaurant that I've passed a million times but wouldn't even dream stepping foot into. A side salad was $18 and I can only imagine how much a full meal would cost, but I don't let my eyes roam to that side of the menu afraid I'll see something I really wanted but I know I can't afford.

"It-It's not real or anything," I said lifting my left hand to his, "It's the best he could do though."

"Who cares if it's real or not, it's the meaning behind it that matters right?" He looked up at me smile plastered on his face but I saw right through him. He knows we got married because I was pregnant. He knows deep down we're not really in love. He knows but he's trying to make it seem like he doesn't and that he's happy for me, but I know him too well, and I know that that smile is a lie.

"I see right through that smile you know that right?" I pulled my hand back closing the menu as the waitress walked over to us with our drinks.

"Ready to order?"

I looked up at her with a smile. Her white blouse hugged her slender frame in all of the right places, making her look like a model rather than a waitress. Although I guess she could be a model too, we are in Hollywood after all. I placed my hand on my growing stomach wishing I looked like that, not that I ever did in the first place but knowing I was just going to get bigger and bigger as the months went on only made me feel worse. "I'll just have the garden salad with vinaigrette on the side please."

She nodded like this wasn't an abnormal order. Like a side salad would fill me for days. "And for you sir?"

He let out a heavy sigh nodding to himself while closing his menu, "I'll have the rib eye cooked rare, broccoli instead of the mashed with a salad on the side and she'll have the same," he said pointing to me with his eyes, "Cooked well."

"Justin I-" I started to protest but he cut me off.

"Cooked well," he emphasized, "For the baby."

"But I can't-"

He reached across the table tapping my hand with his, "Just shut up okay?"

I quickly closed my mouth that was about to fight and nodded with a smile to the waitress, and she quickly turned away probably sensing the tension at the table. "Look I know you're Mr. Hollywood and everything but I can't afford a fucking rib eye Justin."

"It's not like you're paying anyway. Would you just smile and say thank you?"

"Why are you doing this?" I asked giving him a slight attitude.

"Why are you doing this?" he shot back at me, "I didn't think you'd carry over the sassiness to real life...Let me buy you a steak it's not that big of a deal!"

He looked angry and it made me feel like shit. I could be that person that blames my mood swings on being pregnant but we all know that's a lie. I was moody because I was uncomfortable. I wasn't expecting this to happen today...I wasn't expecting this to happen ever. And now we're here at this fancy restaurant that my broke ass shouldn't have ever stepped foot in and he's Justin Timberlake for God's sake! "Sorry this is just...not normal for me and it makes me antsy."

"Well chill out. It just me."

"But that's half the problem!"

I watched him sigh, slouching in his chair across from me. "Remember that time in like the sixth grade that you had a crush on your history teacher, convinced yourself that he was in love with you and tried to put a move on him after school?"

"Oh my God shut up no one knows about that but you!"

"It's just me Soph," he said again looking around the restaurant, "All of this extra Justin Timberlake shit doesn't matter. It just Justin, your best friend that you tell everything to. Including a failed attempt at sexually assaulting a 30 year old man at the age of 10."

"I hate you," I laughed throwing my napkin across the table at him, "Point proven."

"So can I buy you a steak or are you going to be a bitch about it?"

"You can buy me a steak," I replied with a smirk, "But I can't promise I won't be a bitch."

"I wouldn't expect anything less..."

***

"Hey Mom?"

I snapped out of the daze I was in shifting my blank stare from the road in front of me to my daughter sitting behind me in the car. We dropped Ty off at his grandparents’ house a few minutes ago and we are now on our way to the funeral home. I talked to Lily before we left and was surprised to find that she was a whole lot more open to talking about this then I ever was with my own father and with Jay. I guess it's a good thing though, her being able to discuss her feelings and really reason with herself. It's something I wish I was able to do then and sometimes even to this day. "Yeah sweetie?"

"Do I have to go up to the casket?"

"Not if you don't want to Lil. Remember what I said if you feel uncomfortable and you don't want to do something or you want to leave just let us know okay?"

"Did you go up to your Daddy's casket?"

I threw my head back on the headrest as we stopped at a red light trying to compose myself before answering her. Everything that has happened over the past three days has just had all of these memories flooding back into my brain and as much as I wanted to push them aside, I couldn't do it sometimes. Right now was one of those moments. Truth was, I didn't go up to my father’s casket but I wish to this day that I did. I wish that I got to see him one last time. I wish that I got to say goodbye. I wish that my last memory of him was not his dead body being rolled out of my house covered by a white sheet. I wish I went up to my father’s casket, but I can't make her do something she doesn't want to and I don't want my answer to persuade her one way or the other. "No, I didn't." I couldn't lie to her as much as in this moment I wish that I could.

"But that doesn't mean you shouldn't if you want to."

"I'm scared." It came out as a very soft sob followed by a sniffle.

I let a tear slide down my cheek. This whole time I've been trying to hold them back. Trying to stay strong for her but I couldn't anymore. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that me not showing any emotion was probably making this harder for her. It probably made her feel like she shouldn't be crying about it either. One tear was followed quickly by another until I couldn't control them anymore. I placed my face in my hands and just cried like a baby. I cried because I didn't want her to go through this, and because I couldn't figure out how to make this easier for her. And I cried because I didn't want to go through this again, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to come out of this as strong as I did the last time. Because the last time I only had myself to worry about, and now I have a 10 year old that is going to depend on me for support and I'm not even sure I can support myself. 

***

"So what happens after the baby is born?"

I rolled my eyes pushing my fork through the piece of tirimisu we were sharing, "All hell breaks loose?"

"Come on you must have some sort of plan. I mean are you going to finish school? Are you guys going to live alone? What about your mom will she help you?"

"She still doesn't know I'm married, and it's hard enough to get her use to this idea of a baby so I'm sure once she finds out I've gone and got myself a husband without her knowledge I doubt she'll be in any mood to help me."

"I bet she'll pull through at some point," he said pulling the fork out of his mouth, "She is your mother and all..."

"Oh yeah and she's always been so supportive!" My voice was laced with sarcasm.

He let out a laugh tilting his head to the side and nodding, "You're a strong person Soph."

"I'm a mess Justin..."

"Doesn't mean you're not strong." He put his fork down on the plate and reached his hand out to place on top of mine, "The shit you've gone through...I don't care how messed up you are most people wouldn't be able to come out of it with any sense of normalcy and here you are. I mean sure you fuck up...Christ you fuck up more than anyone I know but you figure it out ya know? And your fuck ups are so..." he took a breath figuring out how to word it so that I didn't start screaming at him because he knew the bitching was coming if he didn't say it the right way, "You learn from it all. They're not fuck ups that land you in jail or dead they just-"

"Leave me with a child and a husband?" I said cutting him off.

"They're fuck ups that make you a stronger person. I can't imagine what it would be like to have a child right now, and I can only imagine how hard it is for you to think about and figure out, but I know you will. You'll figure it out and you'll be an amazing mother because that's the kind of person you are..."

"You have a few screws loose if you think I'm going to be an amazing mother."

"You'll see," he said picking the fork back up and taking another bite. He was looking out the window behind me nodding, "you'll see."

I shook my head and let it go. He seemed so sure, but he can't convince me. We sat in silence for a while just finishing up our dessert and I knew once he looked at his watch that our time together was coming to an end. Then the questions started in my head again. Will I ever see him again? Where does this go from here? What happens next? "I'm scared..." I said it in my head but my brain wouldn't stop it from coming out of my mouth. "I'm-I'm scared that-"

"You'll be fine Soph. I'd be scared too if I was having a kid but-"

"No," I cut him off, "I mean sure I'm scared about the baby and the whole husband thing but...I'm scared about us. I mean now what?"

"Now we go meet your husband," he replied without thinking twice.

"That's not what I mean, you...you know what I mean."

He took a sip of his coffee placing it down in front of him before swirling it on the table and looking up at me, "I have a house in LA you know..."

"So you...you want to like-"

"Be friends? Yes Soph I want to be friends obviously. I mean...we're already friends we're...we're best friends and I'm scared about our relationship changing too but I didn't even realize I wanted this but I do I-I want this. I mean if you do."

"I don't know if you can handle real life Sophia," I said with a smile, thankful that he wanted the same thing I did.

"I'm sure I can't, but I want to try."

"Okay," I replied finishing my water and standing up, "okay then...then let’s go meet my husband I guess..."