June 12th 2006

"No." she said firmly, her eyes burning into her husband's.

JC clenched his jaw and continued to stare back at her from the chair he sat in two feet away from her recliner. "Jessica-"

"No Joshua, the answer is no. It's my choice whether I choose to take it and have it done."

JC got up abruptly, running both hands through his hair and tightening his grip on the fistfuls of hair almost pulling them out in frustration. He spun around to look at her. "Why the hell not, huh?! Why won't you let me do this?! The doctor says I could and you keep refusing! God, you're acting like you don't even want to get better!"

"Of course I want to get better but not to the point where you'd have to pay a price for it!" she yelled at him.

"I'm your husband dammit!" he shouted back. "I'm sick of seeing you this fucking way!" He glared at the hemodialysis machine that she was hooked up to. "I'm sick of coming in here four times a week for hours each day and seeing you like that when there's nothing I can do about it! Now that there's something I can do, why aren't you willing to hear me out?"

"Because I don't want to increase the risks of your shortening your life just because mine has taken a turn for the worst!"

"That's what you're not getting Jess! You ARE my life! And it's OUR life that's taken a turn for the worst, not just yours. Do you think it's easy for me to see you in the condition you're in right now? And then when I leave to go pick up our son from pre-school, do you think it's easy for me to explain to him why his mommy has to spend hours in a hospital room instead of being at home waiting for him?!"

"Ian knows the situation," she mumbled in response. "The basics anyways. And we knew this wasn't going to be easy so don't give me that bull-crap Josh,"

JC sighed, shaking his head at her.

"Just go home or back to the studio or something," she picked up the book in her lap and opened it back to the page her bookmark was stuck to. "I'll call you when I'm done here,"

"I'm not leaving," JC announced, dragging his chair back next to hers and taking a seat. He looked at her. "We're not done talking about this,"

"What are we not done talking about Joshua?!" she asked in exasperation.

"We're not done talking about why you won't let me do this for you!"

"God, you're acting as though I have terminal cancer or a flesh eating virus or something! Would you just relax for a minute?"

"You don't have terminal cancer or a flesh eating virus but you're on the verge of kidney failure Jessica so either way we know what the outcome is going to be if you won't do the transplant!"

"I'll do the transplant but we need a donor first,"

"Let ME be your donor baby," he pleaded.

She glared at him. "I'm not letting you give me a kidney Josh.  I'm just not, so leave it at that."

"Because?"

"Because you have a career, you have a job, you have a steady life, you have a son-"

"WE have a son," JC corrected. "And WE have a life together. A life that WE vowed to walk through together in sickness and in health. If one of us got sick, the other one should be able to do whatever they could to help and that's what I'm trying to do for us but you won't listen to me!"

"Babe," she sighed, taking his hand. She was getting tired of the arguing. "Can we just not talk about this?"

"Then when ARE we going to talk about it? We don't have all the time in the world you know,"

"Joshua, you're acting like I'm going to fucking die tomorrow." she muttered.

"You know, I don't appreciate that you keep saying that you're going to die soon. It's more negativity than we need."

"But I'm not so I don't know what you're crazily worked up about,"

"What if something happened to you? Do you know how that would make me feel if I lost you and the fact that I could have done something rested on my shoulders for the rest of my life?"

She rolled her eyes. "Now look who's being the negative one."

He looked at her, hurt, while she just stared back at him blankly.

Holding her gaze for a few more seconds, JC looked away and got up from the chair. Silently, he walked over to the small table by the window across the room and picked up his keys and cell phone.

"Josh, where are you going?" she asked, frowning.

He avoided eye contact with her and pulled on his leather jacket. "I got to go pick up Ian."

"His preschool isn't over for another half hour."

"I want to get there so I don't keep Ms. Granger waiting again," he mumbled.

"Why're you acting like this all of a sudden?"

"Like what?"

"Like now you're just fed up of talking to me?"

"Weren't you the one who said we were done with this conversation?"

"Fine then,"

"Call me when you're done here," JC told her before opening the door.

"Bye," she folded her arms across her chest and leaned back. "I'll see you in a couple hours."

He nodded. "Yea, bye."

*2 hours later

"I'm in the hospital parking lot," JC said into the phone, trying not to talk to loudly as he feared he'd wake the sleeping child in the backseat. "Are you still in the room or..."

"Are you nearer to the south entrance or the north?"

JC rolled his eyes. "I don't know the difference. I didn't do Geography in high school you know."

"Then just tell me some stuff that's near you or read a sign."

JC looked out the window. "I'm a few feet away from the ER. There're black or maybe blue chairs by the door and there's a huge plotted plant next to the door. I don't see you anywhere."

"You're at the north entrance baby," she sighed. "I know where you are. I'll be there in a sec. Unlock the car doors."

"Alright," he hung up.

A minute later, JC saw her walking slowly toward the car so he turned on the ignition and buckled his seatbelt.

"Don't slam the door too hard," he told her when she opened it. "He's asleep back there."

She smiled, looking at the sleeping child slouching in the backseat. His brown hair a little scruffy and his small backpack and lunch box sat next to him.

"How long has he been out?" she asked, closing the door.

JC shrugged, turning the wheel and exiting the parking lot. "I didn't feel like going to the studio so I picked him up and took him to the park for a while and we went to McDonalds so don't worry about his late lunch or anything. He's been like that for about twenty minutes now."

"That's good. Did he go on those monkey bars again though?"

"Yea, he loves them," JC smiled. "He's got all that energy and he was just swinging around."

"He gets the energy thing from you," she giggled lightly. "But Josh if he goes back on those things you got to either be watching from a really near distance or hold him up. His hands are small and could easily sleep and he could get hurt."

"He was fine Jessica," JC mumbled. "I was there the whole time. He didn't fall or anything so just relax."

"I'm just making sure that nothing happens to him. I mean I don't want him to get hurt and then it'll be our fault. He could break his arm or his leg and there'd be nothing we could do."

"Sucks knowing something bad could happen to somebody you love and there's nothing you can do about it, doesn't it?" he muttered.

"Josh..."

"Don't bother," he shook his head.

"I know this is hard for you Jace," she put a hand on his knee. "But you're not the one going through this. It's my body, it's my condition, and what I choose to let happen is my decision. I just need you to support me on that."

"How can you even say that I'm not the one going through this Jess?" he asked her softly, keeping both eyes on the road. "You're my wife, you're my everything, and if something happened to you..." his voice trailed off.

She watched him swallow the frustration of tears she knew he was holding back as she shook his head.

"I just want you to get better baby," he said to her. "And it's literally hurting inside of me that you won't let me do anything to help you out."

She sighed, not bothering to respond. Even if she did, their conversation would have been put on hold since Ian had woken up due to noise of JC honking the car horn trying to get the car in front of him to drive up.

"Mommy?"

Both Jessica and JC turned their heads to look at their son who was scratching his cheek and blinking his eyes, trying to open them fully.

Jess grinned as she looked at her son while JC had to manage a small smile to cover up the pain of his breaking heart. He had done his fair amount of research on her condition and while she knew the statistics and the facts, she still hid how she felt about the situation from not only him, but Ian. As far as JC knew, Ian was only aware that his parents were busy a lot of the time because mommy had to go for ‘check ups' every couple days and daddy had to make sure things were running smoothly. He was completely oblivious to the severity of the situation; Not that either one of them wanted him to know what was going on.

"Mommy," he giggled, outstretching his small arms.

JC watched as Jess returned the greeting with a smile. He couldn't take his eyes off her.

--"Mommy," Ian mumbled, looking down at the ground.

JC's head snapped up. He was on his knees in the middle of his master bedroom, buttoning the small white shirt Ian wore which he had to wash twice before. He made a mental note to himself never to feed his almost five year old son hot dogs or grape juice while he was wearing clothes for important events. This event being: his preschool graduation.

"Mommy," JC heard him mumble again.

"What was that?" he asked.

"I miss mommy again," the small child frowned.

"What'd you mean?" JC asked gently, clasping the last button and crossing his legs so that now he sat up straight on the floor in front of his son.

Ian shrugged. "I wish she was here to see me,"

"I wish she was here to see you too buddy," JC smiled, taking Ian's forearms and pulling him closer. "But you know she's watching over you. And plus I'll be there and Uncle Chris and Uncle Joey and Uncle Lance will be there."

"Uncle Justin?"

"Maybe," JC winked.

"Can mommy see me?"

JC thought for a moment and smiled. "Yea, I think so."

"She proud?"

"VERY, proud of you. You're going into elementary school soon."

"I'm a big boy," Ian grinned, exposing the empty spaces in the slots where his two front teeth should be. JC couldn't help but laugh.

"Hey, what's all the laughing about?"

JC, still chuckling, looked toward the doorway to see where the voice had come from and Ian spun around.

"Uncle Justin!" he yelled in delight, running over to his second favorite ‘Bye Bye Bye Boy' who eveloped him in a big hug and then threw him up in the air before resting him back on the ground.

"You got a big day today dude," Justin grinned, stooping down to Ian's eye level. The child grinned.

"Yea!" he shouted.

JC smiled as he got up off the floor and dusted off his pants with his hands.

"I didn't think you'd be able to actually get here J," JC said.

"I cleared my schedule for the rest of the day, I mean, I couldn't not come watch my favorite four year old graduate from preschool. Do you know how awful that'd make me feel?"

"I'm four and a half," Ian said proudly.

JC chuckled.

"Where're the other three?" Justin asked.

"Lance and Joey should be here in a while but Chris said that he'd meet us at the school."

"Daddy when do we leave?"

"Uh," JC checked his watch. "In about a half an hour. We're still a little early."

"I got a new ball," the child grinned at Justin. "Want to play with me?"

"Ian, if you play basketball now you're going to get sweaty so how about you go get your ball and just come show it to Uncle Justin alright?"

"Hey man, we'll play a game of catch or something," Justin ruffled his hair. "Go get it."

Without question, the four year old dashed out of the room.

"Man, that kid's got some energy level," JC sighed, walking over to Justin and shaking his hand before giving him one of those manly hugs.

"How're you holding up C?"

JC shrugged. "I'm alright."

"You wish she was here today, don't you?"

"I wish she was here with me every day," JC mumbled.

"What about Ian?"

"He misses her a lot. Especially today, I think. I guess he just wishes his mom was here to be at an event like this for him. He knows she's gone but it just gets hard for both of us sometimes."

"You're doing a great job with him you know, JC."

"Just trying to do the best I can. I'm just thankful *NSYNC was successful enough back when we were touring and stuff so that now I don't have to worry about making ends meet as a single dad or anything, you know? I could just myself out of the studio and spend more time with him rather than having a nice to five job."

"You don't have to be a single dad forever you know," Justin told him gently. "Jess told you the same thing before... You know..."

"It's only been a year Justin,"

"I know, I know, and I understand that you might not be ready to put yourself out there again but it has to be a thought in that head of yours. Jessica would want you to move on."

"I have moved on, kind of..."

"JC, her perfume bottles are still on your dresser. And I can bet that some of her clothes are still in that closet of yours."

"You don't understand Just, it's, it's... It's just really hard. Sometimes I'll be fine and I know she's gone and then other times I'd roll over in the middle of the night and when I don't feel her next to me, it feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest."

Justin looked at his friend apologetically.

"Between being wanting time for myself and still coping with the fact that I'm never going to see her again or hear her voice again or touch her again plus being Mr. Mom with Ian, I don't really care for anything or anyone else. I have my son, I've been somewhat successful in my career and now I'm just trying to enjoy the time I have with him."

"But something's still missing..."

"That hole in my heart is one that's never going to be healed,"

"Jessica would want you to move on JC. She'd want you to be happy. The absolute last thing she would want is for you to mourn about her every day of your life."

"Yea well, I didn't want her to go but guess what, she did!"

"You can't blame her for what happened JC..."