14th July 2006      1:00AM

"Ian," JC whispered, shaking his son's shoulder very gently. "Ian,"

"Daddy," the child's eyes slowly opened and he smiled up at JC, who sat on the side of his little bed. "Sleepy," he murmured, closing his eyes.

"I know you're sleepy," JC told him softly.

"You sleep too,"

"You wanna sleep with daddy tonight buddy?"

"Mmhm," Ian nodded, sitting up with his eyes still closed and outstretching both his arms toward his father. "Sleep,"

JC used his arm to wipe away the tears and picked up his son. "I love you bud,"

Walking out of the room and into JC's master bedroom, he rested Ian down in the middle of the bed and joined him under the comforter.

"Daddy?"

"Y-Yea?" JC bit down on his bottom lip to keep himself from breaking down right in front of his four year old. He was the only thing that made sense to him right now.

He couldn't think straight. He couldn't talk to the guys without trailing off. Justin and a few doctors at the hospital had gotten him to calm down and had gotten him to cry, rather than going crazy in denial and rampaging through the hospital. He just saw her, just five hours ago. He kissed her, he told her he loved her, he was expecting to see her being wheeled out of the operating room and he wanted to be the one she'd see when she woke up. She was going to get better, they would go home in a couple weeks and she'd heal. Life would go back to normal. They had a son together, and they were planning on more. JC had it all planned out in his head. And now, just like that, in a matter of just a couple hours, her life was gone? That was it? She was gone? The thought of an unsuccessful surgery had never even entered his mind.

He didn't want to see anyone.  He wanted his son close to him and that was it. He didn't know how to react. He knew she was gone, but to him, she was still there. Just thinking about her, he could smell her shampoo and he could feel her lips to his. She was right from the night before. Ian was the only thing that would permanently keep them together. And JC hadn't realized the logic of what she had meant up until now.

"Daddy, where's mommy?"

JC sniffled, the pain in his chest almost too much to bear. He never knew such a question could bring such an unbelievable amount of pain, emotionally, and it hurt so much to even breathe. The thought that this was his reality was literally making JC feel like his heart was being shattered.

"She's not here Ian,"

"When she coming home?"

JC frowned, kissing the young child on the head. "She's not,"

Ian opened his eyes to look up at his dad. "No?"

"No bud, she's gone."

"Up there?" he pointed to the ceiling. "Heaven?"

"How'd you know that?"

"Mommy told me yesterday, if she no come back, she went to heaven."

"O-Oh," JC wiped his eyes.

"God is in heaven."

"Yea, he is."

"God is good. Mommy is good. Mommy with God now."

JC couldn't help but smile very slightly. "Yes, she is."

"Mommy okay. She said she'll be okay."

"Yea, she's okay now," JC nodded. "She's watching over me and you now."

**

--"The party's outside you know," Justin teased, knocking on JC's bedroom door. "Why are you up here?"

JC didn't bother to tear his gaze away from the framed photograph on the wall. "I'm working on something."

"What're you working on?"

"Just something," he shrugged, closing the small notebook he held in his hands and dropping it onto the bed. He turned to look at friend. "Ian having fun down there?"

"Yea, he's out by the pool with the other guys. I noticed we weren't hearing anyone saying ‘Don't do this' or ‘You can't jump on that' so I came to look for ya."

JC rolled his eyes. "I was just dabbling on some things," he shrugged. "Letting some thoughts run free, you know."

"And staring at your wedding picture up there," he nodded toward the framed photograph stuck on the wall to the right of the bed, over the nightstand. "It's a great picture, by the way."

JC smiled. "I think so too. Thanks."

"So you coming down to join the party or not? Your kid is hanging with guys more 7 times his age who still act like four year olds. You might want to get down there soon."

JC laughed. "Nah, Lance is sane enough. He's cool."

"Yea well, we're supposed to be having fun down there and you're up here letting your ‘thoughts run free'. So change or something so we can go back down there. Unless of course, you want to tell me if anything's on your mind."

JC shook his head. "Nothing's really on my mind right now. Nothing specific anyways. Just a bunch of thoughts scattered all over the place."

"You've been doing a pretty darn good job at keeping yourself together C, I've got to hand it to you. After everything you went through within the last year, you've been a pretty good dad to Ian. I'm proud."

JC smiled and sighed. "Yea, thanks."

"Are you ever going to take that off?"

"Take what off?"

"Your wedding ring."

JC looked at the ring. "Why should I?"

Justin shrugged. "I don't know. I guess if you want to keep it on you can."

"It's not like I'm seeing anyone."

"I know, I know. It's too soon for you. I get it."

"Not only that, I mean... Yea, it's soon for me to want another relationship, but then I think about Jess and what I had with her. I've been with her for over six years. I've never even looked at another woman in a sexual way since we got together. She was just IT for me. I think about her every single day, every single hour. And for me to even think about wanting to be with another woman, I feel like I'm cheating on her. Almost like I'm replacing her and I don't want it to look like I've just forgotten about her just because I'll be seen with someone else. I don't want outsiders judging the love I still have and will always have for Jess."

Justin frowned. "JC, since when do you think about what outsiders are going to think of your personal life. If over time you decide that you want to go back to the dating game again, don't you think Jessica would understand that you want to go on with your life. The Jessica I knew would slap you right now if she found out that you think you'd be replacing her if you just wanted to go out with someone. She'd want you to be happy. Shed want you to find love again. Someone that could love both you and Ian and even though Jess was the one for you, that doesn't mean you'd love her any less if you fell for someone else in the future. C'mon C, think."

"I don't know Justin," JC shook his head.

"I'm not telling you that you have to go get remarried and throw yourself back out there right now, but I'm just telling you that if the opportunity were to present itself later on in life and someone happened to walk into your life, don't be scared to pursue something because you're afraid of forgetting about what you and Jess had. That was special, but-"

"-She's gone... I know."

Justin nodded slowly.

JC stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and debated a thought silently in his head.

"What're you thinking about?" Justin asked.

"You want to hear something?" JC asked.

"You mean like a song?"

JC nodded.

"Yea man, lay it on me."

"It isn't done yet, just letting you know."

"Well show me what you got so far."

"Alright," he picked up the guitar he had propped up against the wall. He sat down on the edge of the bed and opened to notebook.

"Is this song what you've been dabbling up here?"

"Yea," JC smiled sheepishly. "I've been working on it for a few months actually. I look at our wedding picture for inspiration sometimes."

"So it's about the two of you guys?"

"It's more about how I feel now that she's gone," JC explained quietly, strumming the chords on the guitar.

"Go ahead then." Justin nodded.

JC looked at the pages for a second. He adjusted his fingers on the instrument and then opened his mouth to belt out the lyrics written so scrappy that Justin couldn't even read it due to all the scratches and jumbled up words.

When I thought I had your heart to keep forever.
Now I live with how it is, nothing lasts, never.
Everything I did, I did for you.
Now there's nothing left for me to do.
I'm never gonna fall in love again, the way I love you.

You know it's so damn hard letting go...

Every day's a brand new start of a pain never ending.
I can't erase this lonely heart that keeps on remembering.

Every day I live, I live with you, and with all the things we'll never do

Standing here, holding my heart in my hands
Yes, I am...
Trying to live every day the best I can...

You know it's so damn hard, letting go...

"What'd you think?" JC asked, strumming the chords and looking up only to find Justin staring at something behind him.

He turned his neck and realized he was just looking at their picture, all the while he was singing the song.

"It's a beautiful song C," Justin nodded with a smile. You found a way to turn your pain into a helluva a song."

"So you liked it?" he chuckled.

"Yes, I did. And I know that Jess would love it too."

** **

Later that evening

"What'd you want for dinner bud?" JC asked, taking a seat next to his son on the couch. "McDonalds, Pizza, Chinese... Ice cream, maybe?"

He smiled at the options he gave. Some parent he was; offering his four year old ice-cream for dinner.

"Spaghetti!"

JC frowned. "Ian, you know your dad can't cook. How about I make you a sandwich instead and then tomorrow we take a trip to the grocery store and some microwaveable spaghetti, if there is such a thing anyways."

"Okay," he said simply.

"Alright," JC got up. "What kind of sandwich you want tonight? Grilled cheese or PB&J?"

"PB&J please," he said nicely.

"You want to come help me out or are you cool just sitting there?"

"I wanna come,"

"Alright, come here."

Setting Ian down on the island, JC moved around the kitchen getting the plates, jars of peanut butter and jelly, the bread, a butter knife, couple plastic glasses and a carton of milk.

"Man, you better become a chef dude," JC joked, spreading the peanut butter across the slice of bread and then pressing it onto the side with jelly. "That way you won't end up like me who has to resort to sandwiches and pop tarts for dinner."

"Pop tarts for breakfast!"

JC chuckled. "Yea, okay, we'll make pop tarts for breakfast in the morning."

Ian nodded, sipping on his glass of milk.

"Here you go bud," JC slid the plate over to where he sat. "Eat up,"

"Thank you daddy," he said, picking up the sandwich with both his hands and taking a bite.

"You're welcome," he smiled, closing the peanut butter jar. He was glad that if it was one thing that Jess always taught Ian, was that he knew his manners.

"You want to go see Grandma and Grandpa next week? We can go see them and Uncle Tyler and Aunt Heather for a week. You want to go?"

"Yes," he nodded enthusiastically.

"I'll call ‘em and tell them we're coming next weekend then," JC grinned before turning to to go get his cell phone from in the living room. "Ian, do not try to get down from there alright?"

"I wanna go down," he looked at his father and lifted his arms.

JC sighed, turning around and lifting him off the island before placing him gently on the ground. He handed him his plate the sandwich was on and he held the glass of milk, just in case it would spill as they made their way back into the living room.

"Try not to get too much crumbs on the cushions, alright?"

Ian nodded, taking another bite.

JC lay back against the pillow on the couch and checked his phone.

3 missed calls.

The first was from Justin. Eh, he'd get back to him later.

The other two were from Susanne Granger.

JC got up. "Hey, bud, watch some TV for a bit alright? I'm going to go make a call."

"Okay," he nodded, his small hands fumbling around with the long remote.

JC smiled. "Let me do that for ya," he took the remote out of his son's hands. "What'd you want to watch?"

"Spongebob,"

JC turned on the show and handed the remote back to Ian.

"I'll be right back."

Walking into the kitchen, he took a seat at the table. Dialing Susanne's number, JC wondered why she had called in the first place. The phone rang about three times before she finally picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Susanne, it's me JC."

"Oh, hi,"

"Hi. I saw a couple missed calls from you earlier so I just called to ask if it's about anything important."

"Oh, I was calling to ask you if you had gotten the graduation pictures I took today. I sent them around to all the parents."

"I actually haven't gotten a chance to check my email yet but thank you for sending the pictures. I'll check them out later tonight."

"Okay, great. You're welcome."

"Yea, no problem."

"Did you and Ian have a nice time today?"

"Yea, we did actually. A couple of my close friends came over so we kind of had a guy day. Now we're just chilling and I'm waiting for him to finish his dinner so I can give him a bath and put him to bed."

"You made dinner?" she giggled.

"It was a sandwich but it still counts!"

"Fair enough,"

"Thank you."

"So uh, now that Ian doesn't start school till September, what're you doing till then? Taking him on a vacation maybe?"

"Something like that. I want to take him to see my parents in Maryland next weekend so we'll spend some time there and then maybe I'll take him to see somewhere new."

"That sounds good. Tell him I said hi."

"I sure will." He nodded. "What about you? What are you doing now that you don't have any classes till September?"

"I'll probably fly back home to Jersey to see my sisters or I'll stay here and find something to do with a school camp or something."

"Well I wish you the best of luck with the school thing. It's good to know that there're still some people out there that still care for that sort of stuff."

"Yea, I suppose."

"Alright well I'm going to go see those pictures and I'll send you my comments on ‘em."

"Looking forward to it," she smiled.

"I'll talk to you soon Susanne. Have a good night."

"You too JC. Bye."

After hanging up, he decided to call Justin to see what he wanted before he chose to shut off his phone and end off his night.

"Hello?"

"Yo, what's up? I missed a call from you. What's going on?"

"Oh yea, Chris thought he left his black jacket at your house but it was on the floor of his car in the backseat so no worries."

"Alright, good. I'm not in the mood to go looking for anything anyways."

"Feeling tired?"

"A little," JC sighed. "Nothing too bad."

"Alright man, listen to this. I want to go get floor seats to a Laker game next week. Bring Ian along and the three of us can go."

"Mmm," JC thought for a second. "I don't think so J. I mean, I was just telling Susanne that I want to take Ian to see my parents next weekend so I don't think I'm going to be here to go."

"How'd you end up telling Susanne?"

"I was speaking to her on the phone a couple minutes ago before I called you."

"What did you guys talk about?"

"Just basically what we're doing now that Ian's on a break and school and such. Nothing exceptionally interesting."

‘And you just randomly told her that you were going to see your parents next weekend?"

"Well she asked me what I was doing for the rest of the break so I told her."

"JC!" Justin cried out, before sighing. "Dude she practically just asked you out."

"How?"

"When a girl asks what you plan on doing for a period of time that's basically supposed to be free time, it's a loop hole to a date. She was trying to ask you if you would be free so that maybe the two of you could go out."

"Since when does ‘How're you planning to spend your vacation' turn into ‘Hey, want to go out with me?'"

"Trust me, it does."

"Well, whatever. We already hung up."

"Then call her back and ask her out."

"God, now? Why? And I don't want to date her... At least I don't think I do."

"Why're you making this such a big deal? Don't think f it as a date. Think of it as two acquaintances getting to know each other over ice cream or something. Be friends. There's nothing wrong with that."

"I don't know Justin," JC said hesitantly, looking at the gold wedding band on his finger. "I told you before how I felt about that kind of thing."

"Jace, she's a nice woman. I'm not telling you to go marry her. I'm just saying that you two might just want to get to know each other a little more than you already do and that's it. Nothing kissy or sexual about it. Just a couple of people having a coffee or ice cream meeting."

"I just haven't exactly been out with a different woman in over six years. It's a little weird to me at this point."

"Look, my advice to you, is to call her and just ask if you guys could meet up at a park or something. Some place innocent. Take Ian along if you want to."

JC noticed Ian walking into the kitchen carrying his empty plate and almost empty milk glass.

"Alright, J, I got to go. I'll talk to you later."

"Alright man. Think about it. Later."

Closing the phone and resting it on the tabletop, JC got up and took the plate and glass out of Ian's hold and rested them in the sink.

"Was that an ‘okay-ish' dinner?" JC asked and got a nod as his response.

"I'm sleepy."

"We got to give you your bath before you sleep."

"Uh uh," the child rubbed his eyes and shook his head.

"Uh huh," JC smiled, scooping him up and carrying him up the stairs. "It'll only take a couple minutes."

Too tired to even bother to kick or scream, Ian reluctantly let his father carry him into the bathroom and set him down in the bathtub. He turned on the shower and by the time six minutes had passed, JC had him out of the tub and was drying him off. Another four minutes and JC had dressed him in one of his favorite pajamas that Jess had bought for him a year ago. Covering his small body with the blanket, JC gave his son kiss on the forehead and turned off his light before retreating back to his own bedroom.

Sighing from fatigue, JC fell back on his bed and close his eyes for a moment before reopening them and sitting up. His gaze went immediately toward his wedding photo on the wall.

He locked his eyes on hers in the photograph and smiled softly. He sighed, still looking at her and he shook his head when he felt the unpleasant wave of sadness wash over him.

"I wish you were here with me Jess," he said softly. "I really miss you right about now. I think about you every day, mostly whenever I look at Ian. I know you can hear me and I know you're watching over us. It's so weird, I can't see you, I can't hear you, but even though I'm sitting on this bed alone, it's like I can feel you right here with me."

JC chuckled, realizing he was in a way talking to himself.

"I love you Jess," he smiled. "Forever and always... I don't think I want to remarry... I know we planned on letting Ian have another sibling but I don't want that if I can't have that with you. Maybe Justin's right. Maybe I should stop making such a big deal out of going out with someone and just get to know the person. You're not here, and I don't know how to get attached to anyone else without feeling like I'm betraying my love for you. I know you want me to be happy but I just don't know to be like that 100% of the time yet. But I'll try. For you, I'll try. Right now, I'm just trying to do the best I can."

He reached across by the nightstand to pick up the cordless phone. He sat there on the bed for a good almost 60 seconds before dialing the number.

He smiled, looking the picture on the wall but tearing his eyes away when she picked up.

"Hello?"

He cleared his throat. "Hey, uh, Susanne, it's me, JC. What're you doing this Friday?"