Chapter 15
Pain greeted JC in the morning. His stomach was a ticking time bomb; messy results could occur if he didn’t reach the bathroom in time. Right when I get up, eh body? You couldn’t allow a few minutes of peace. Really? He threw off the bedcovers and rushed to his destination.
After five painful minutes on the toilet, he stared at his reflection. He gasped again. What have I done? That’s not me. He brushed his hand across the smooth scalp. No sign of hair whatsoever. He hadn’t expected this to still be such a shock the next morning. He’d seen this last night, hadn’t he? Tears brimmed at the corners of his eyes. Damn, why am I crying so much lately? Nice of you to finally wake up, emotions. Today’s not going to be a good day, is it?
Next, his phone buzzed. Yep, today’s already bombarding me. Please let it not be Eric or someone like that. It was Karen. She probably wanted to ask him if he needed any errands run before she came over. Okay, I’ll answer it since its Mom.
“Hello?” He mumbled
“Sweetie, I’ll be going to the store on my way over here. Any specific requests?”
Ugh, food. That’s the last thing I want to think about right now. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
Why can’t she just accept my answer? “Mom, I’m really sick this morning. Just get me what you want to make.”
“Just asking. I have a few freelance calls to make and then I’ll do that. Okay?”
“Fine.” He mumbled. “I’ll see you when you get here.”
Not even a second after they hung up, his phone buzzed again. Dammit, life. Can’t you give me a break? This time it was a text from Tyler. “How you doing, bro?”
JC sighed and looked at the time. 9:34. Tyler lived in Orlando; maybe he would be on his lunch break. JC needed to vent his frustration. He pressed “Call” and waited for his younger brother’s answer.
“Hey.”
“Mom is driving me crazy, Ty. She can’t just take what I say at face value.”
Tyler chuckled. “Everything followed with a “Are you sure?” or something like that?”
“Yeah. My body has already thrown me a middle finger this morning so I wasn’t in the mood. “
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s just say my bowels have been active. I’ll spare you the juicy details.” He smirked.
“Say no more. Are you feeling better now?”
“Enough that I don’t feel like I’m being murdered.” He replied sarcastically.
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
JC sighed. “Mom has good intentions, but I feel smothered. Like she thinks I could die any second or something. I’m not in that sad a shape.” At least I hope not.
“It’s the mother instinct. They have to always protect their kids from danger. It’s annoying as hell, granted, but it’s her way of showing us she cares.” Tyler replied.
“I feel guilty that they moved here for the treatment. It’s such a major change and it’s my fault.”
Tyler rolled his eyes. “JC, it’s not your fault you got sick. Get that out of your head right now. Mom and Dad love you and want to be there for you. You’re not an obligation.”
“Still, I hate that I turned their lives upside down.”
“No, the disease did,” Tyler reiterated. “You’re not defined by cancer; it’s simply another obstacle. If you invest your identity in this, cancer becomes that much harder to beat.”
JC groaned. He makes it sound so easy. It doesn’t feel that way to me. “Then what am I supposed to do? I feel like shit and it’s only going to get worse from here. What if it doesn’t get any better, Ty? What if I’m doomed to this for the rest of my life?”
“You don’t know that.”
“No, I don’t. But when I have depression fucking with my brain, too, it doesn’t help matters.”
“Oh. I had no idea. Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me or jump to the wrong conclusion. I’m not suicidal, but it’s pretty fucked up inside my head right now.”
“Any reason or just an overall feeling?”
“Overall. I keep trying to pursue what makes me happy and it blows up in my face.”
“Jenkins didn’t know the talent he had. You and I both know that.”
He’s missing my point. Can’t anyone take my feelings about this seriously? "Yeah, logically I do. But what about my pride, my ego, my self-worth? Music is in my blood. And it fucking hurts when financial agendas overshadow passion. You don’t know how much that hurts.”
“You’re right, I don’t. I’m just trying to help you because I care.”
“It’s not that easy. I can’t just snap out of this and be fine. ‘Okay, it’s time to be happy now.’ This isn’t just another obstacle. On days like today, it feels like the universe wants me to stay down; it enjoys kicking me and laughing at my pain.”
Silence followed that admission. JC didn’t expect a response. What could be said? He simply wanted to state his position and try to get someone to understand what he felt.
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Josh.” Tyler finally said. “I don’t think that’s true.”
“Then what else could it be?”
“You’re being getting taken care of. You have the best medical team in the country behind you. You have a strong faith and support system.”
“Maybe I don’t want to look at the positive right now. Maybe all I need to for my sadness and frustration to be acknowledged and know it’s okay to feel that way.”
A phone rang in the background. “I have to go.”
Good. This conversation isn’t getting anywhere anyway. “That’s fine. Later.”
Why am I acting so terse with everyone? All they’re doing is caring. He doubted anyone really understood what he was feeling. Having your life in jeopardy is from illness must be something you must experience firsthand. Excessive positivity was draining. To have yourself together every second of your life? That was completely unrealistic. Sometimes he didn’t hear the trite ‘it gets better’. Couldn’t he just be sad, angry, frustrated? And have that be enough? Just to have someone hold him and say “I know, and you can handle this.” Was that too much to ask?
He’d felt more in the past month than he had in the last few years. He’d gotten so used to lack of emotion that he had wondered if he was even alive. Everything had remained suppressed and rose again a more intense and ferocious animal. Pain demanded to be felt, he’d read in a John Green novel recently. He didn’t think he was running away from his pain. Then again, as much as I’m talking about being screwed by Jive, maybe I’m not as over that as I thought I was.
After he left that fateful meeting, he’d gone home and cried. Emotion he’d suppressed during the ordeal rose to the surface once again. He couldn’t breathe, snot was pouring from his nose, he screamed, he punched his pillows. If he was walking around, something would have ended up broken. That was one of the lowest points of his life. He’d been humiliated in from of his coworkers and stripped of his dignity. He could count on one hand the times he’d cried like that.
A few weeks later, MTV approached him with the idea for America’s Best Dance Crew. He dove in headfirst, hoping to numb the pain of losing his record deal. The show was a new challenge and he liked that. He could pass on his show business knowledge to a younger audience. He got booed often, but he didn’t mind. He critiqued with the intention of making the dancers better. He never said anything with malicious intent.
However, as the years went by, the failed solo career still remained on his mind. Every so often, he’d get pangs missing singing and talking to an audience. He pushed it away while trying to convince himself he was happy in his new role. In many ways he was; he got to be around creative people and mentor young talent. Regardless, the damaged singer longed to be heard. And now that his voice could be permanently damaged, that voice was louder than ever.
Another buzz snapped him out of his thoughts. Are you effing serious? Who is it this time? Jenna’s name came on the screen. Oh. What does she want? He opened the text.
“I just got done with an interview and am in the area. Mind if I come by for a minute?”
Maybe she’ll understand. Or at least be more sympathetic and not immediately feed me positive bullshit. We’ve been over this already, Chasez. You don’t need this kind of thing in your life. But maybe I want it. He hadn’t seen her since the surgery almost two weeks ago. He wouldn’t mind seeing her pretty face. But what if I get sick when she’s here? That’s embarrassing.
“What the hell. What can it hurt?” He murmured. “Sure. Not too long, though. I’m not well today.”
I hope you know what you’re doing. The line is blurring already. You don’t want her to see you like this. Still, she’d be a welcome distraction.
“Understandable. I’m about 10 minutes from your place. Is that okay?”
Shit, I better get decent, then. He currently had only boxers on. “Yeah. See you in a bit.”
He grabbed track pants and a t shirt he’d thrown on the floor the night before and put them on. As long as he was covered, he didn’t care. I have cancer for crying out loud. I can get away with dressing sloppy every once and awhile. Oh wait, my head. I need something to cover it with. He found a navy beanie in his underwear drawer. I’m not ready for her to see that just yet.
10 minutes later, a knock came at the door. Wow, that was fast. I hope I look alright. He opened the door.
Jenna stood there in a pink wrap dress that hugged her curves and black flats. Woman, I have to stop seeing you in all these nice clothes. You look sexy. “Hey Jen. Welcome.”
“Hey. How are you?” They hugged.
“Not too good. Rough morning. And yourself?”
“Not too shabby.”
“Well, come on in.” He stepped aside to let her in.
“Wow, this looks like the houses I see in design magazines.” Jenna observed.
“Yeah, it’s pretty nice place to live.”
“All this to yourself? Must be nice. Probably 10 or 15 of my apartments could fit in here.”
“Want me to show you around?”
“If you’d like to.”
Suddenly, swords stabbed at his midsection. He doubled over and grabbed it in a futile attempt to quell the pain. Of all days to have an adverse reaction. Thanks a lot, body. Really appreciate it. . He groaned. “Hurt.”
“What hurts?” Jenna asked.
“Stomach.” He grunted.
“What can I do?”
“Help me to the bathroom. There’s one right over here,” He pointed to the doorway halfway down the hall.
“Okay.” She offered her hand and pulled him up. He steadied himself with his arm around her shoulders as they marched toward the restroom. “Do you need me to go in there with you?”
Oh hell no. Especially not this early. “I’ll be fine. Thank you. I’ll call for you when I’m done.”
“Alright.” She opened the door. JC scrambled in and shut it behind him.
The next 10 minutes were the sickest he’d been in a long time. Both puke and diarrhea gushed out of their respective ends. It was relentless. If this is what I have to look forward to, the next few months will be Hell.
He opened the door. “Had a rough go of it there, huh?” Jenna asked.
He blushed. “Yeah. I’m afraid that’s the first of many episodes. I need to lie down.”
“Then let’s get you resting, shall we?”
“I’m game. My living room is right over here.”
“Okay, hold onto me tight.” She instructed gently.
I could do that all day, sweetie. He put his arms around her shoulders and hers wrapped around his waist. She provided a hearty but gentle support. He wouldn’t be the first to pull away when they reached the couch.
The duo reached his couch, which had a few blankets folded at the top. “Do you want one?” she asked.
“Yeah.” He sat down as she unfolded it. Then she placed it on top of him.
“Thank you. Sorry that had to be your first taste of what it’s like over here.”
Jenna chuckled. “It’s fine. You’re sick, so I’m not expecting rose petals and champagne.”
“Yeah. Still, I hoped my body would’ve cooperated.” He croaked.
“The universe doesn’t always give us we want, though. The sooner you accept that, the better off you’ll be.” She frowned.
How right you are. You don’t know how much. “Exactly. Doesn’t mean we don’t protest.”
She nodded. “I didn’t say we had to like it. However, how do you know the universe isn’t trying to teach you something or bring it to your attention?”
She’s hitting me with the philosophical stuff, isn’t she? Not now, Jenna. I just puked five minutes ago. “No idea what.”
“Okay, no thought provoking musings for now. I better get back to work anyway.”
So soon? Man. “When do you have to be back at work?”
“I told my boss 11 and its 10:30 now. Sorry this was so short notice. I’ll try to be more courteous next time.”
“Nah, you’re good. I’m glad you stopped by. You’re welcome back whenever.”
“Thank you. Do you need anything?”
He shook his head. “No. Mom should be here soon, so I’ll be fine until then.”
She nodded. “Ah. She might not take too kindly to some random girl being in your house.”
“You’re not some random girl, Jenna.”
“Maybe not. Still, I don’t want to raise suspicion. Good to see you.”
You’re so much more than that. “You, too. Be safe.”
“I will.” She clicked her shoes as she left the house. That dress makes your butt look good. No, you shouldn’t notice that. Hey, I’m a guy. I know an attractive body when I see one.
About a minute later, Karen walked in with groceries in her arms. “Hey honey. How are you feeling?”
“Not well. My system hates me today.”
“Aww, why is that?”
“I’ve puked a lot and runny bowels.”
“Poor baby. The side effects are starting, aren’t they?”
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“Josh, I saw a car pull out of your driveway as I arrived. Who was it?”
Damn, she did see Jenna’s car. “A friend of mine.” He replied shortly.
She raised an eyebrow. “Just a friend? Your face tells a different story.”
Am I that obvious? “Yeah, she’s one of my friends.”
“I hope you’re not bedding random girls over here.”
JC scoffed inwardly. What does that have to do with anything? I’m a thirty something year old man. I can do what I want. Besides, that was a completely innocent visit. “No. Why should you care?”
“You shouldn’t be fooling around with that kind of thing right now. Your health should be your main concern.”
JC rolled his eyes. I feel like a teenager who’s getting lectured. “Mom, it is. A female friend named Jenna came over and we spent 10 or 15 minutes talking. There’s nothing dirty about that.”
“Have you eaten anything today?”
Oh, hood. The subject’s changed. “No. Not sure I can keep anything down, though.”
“Why don’t you come in here and I’ll make you something?”
This is another reason Jenna and I need to be just friends. I’ll never hear the end of it from Mom if we’re dating while I’m in treatment. “Coming.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Story is fiction; I only own original characters.
Hi all! I hit a wall with this chapter. However, I'm really happy with the end result. I hope you are too. Today is the last voting day; I'd be honored if you considered me in your voting. Thank you again for the support! Much love to you all.
Story Tags: postsync jc cancer tearjerker
