“So am I taking you to treatment tomorrow?” Karen asked on the phone a few days later.

Karen and/or Roy had taken him to treatment for the past month. While he appreciated that, he wanted Jenna to take him. Are you crazy? That’s overstepping the boundaries you have established right now.  Not to mention Mom will go crazy. She’s treating you like you’re a teenager sneaking out of the house. I’m a grown man; I can make my own decisions. “I was thinking about asking Jenna to take me.”

“Why do you want to ask her? You barely know her!”

You got me there, Mom. “Maybe I want to spend time with her so we can get to know each other better.”

“You can do that by inviting her over to your house like you have been.”

He sputtered. “Why do you care so much, Mom? I’m not so sick that I don’t enjoy the company of a female friend. I’m 36 years old; it’s my decision who comes into my life.”

You shouldn’t have said that, JC. Karen snorted. “Well excuse me for caring, Josh. Excuse me for uprooting my life to a place I don’t particularly like because I love you and want to make sure you’re okay during this fight. I’m looking out for you, sweetie. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Crap, now she thinks I don’t appreciate her. Which isn’t the case. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean? You’re going to let some strange woman who you just met dictate how you go about treatment?”

Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold on a minute. Since when did I say that? “I never said that. All I said was I’d like her to take me this week so we can spend some time together.”

Click. Damn, Mom. I love you but you’re really pissing me off right now. Why does everyone treat me like my life isn’t mine? I’m so sick of it. Cancerous cells are already overtaking my body and stealing my independence. Let’s have every decision be made for me while we’re at it! If I had any hair, it’d be gone in two seconds. “

DAMMIT!” His voice reverberated off the walls and his throat tightened. I shouldn’t have done that. But it’s one of the only ways I can get my emotion out these days. Tears peered in the back in his eyes. Not now. Crying won’t help. It’ll make my mood worse. He cleared his throat and the wetness retreated for the moment. I better call Jen. That’ll look stupid if she can’t do this anyway.

“Hello?” She answered.

“Hey Jenna. What are you doing tomorrow?”

“I have the day off and no plans in place. Do you need something?” She was surprised at the immediacy of his question.

“I need a ride to chemo and back. Would you like to take me?”

“Oh. Wow. You want me to take you?”

“Well, yeah. You said you’d help me in any way you could.”

“Touché. What time is the treatment?”

“It starts at 8 a.m. I usually leave my house around 7:15 or so to account for morning traffic.”

Jenna groaned. “Oh lord. Be glad, I like you, Chasez. Otherwise I wouldn’t agree to do this.”

He shrugged. “Hey, you can always take a nap on my couch.”

“Hey. We’re not going there yet, buddy. Thanks for the offer, though.”

“So, I’ll see you around 7:15?”

She playfully sighed. “I suppose. I’ll see you then.”

A churning stomach awoke him at five the next morning. It was like he’d been stabbed with a sword.  I have to get to the bathroom before I make a mess. He barely made it to the toilet before vomit expelled. How do I produce this much waste? I don’t eat that much. He spent the next hour puking and coughing.

He flopped back on his bed with the acidic taste of bile in his mouth. This had happened several times recently. Now he had to drag himself out of the house to treatment so he could guarantee more mornings like this! Great, I’m fucking looking forward to it. He groaned. I’m sick of not seeing progress. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten this treated in the first place. But now at least you have a chance of saving your voice. What if the cancer had grown so you couldn’t? The thought was little comfort at the moment.

I might as well get dressed so Jenna doesn’t have to drag me out of bed. Every muscle protested as he rose to retrieve some clothes. As long as you’re covered you’re golden.

Jenna arrived at 7:10 with a coffee mug in hand. “Thank you for coming over so early.”

She nodded. “It’s not a problem. As long as I got my coffee in my system, I’ll be good to go.”

“You sure you don’t have better things to do with your day off besides take me to chemo?” Well, you did ask her to do this.  And she said yes.

Jenna chuckled as her cheeks flushed. “I want to. If anything, it’s an excuse to see you.”

He shrugged. “Fair enough. I like seeing you, too.”

“Shall we go, then?” Jenna replied a little too quickly. She probably wanted to avoid awkward silence that might have followed.

He felt his pockets for his keys and wallet. He’d been known to leave his wallet at home when he needed it. “Sure.”

“Want an arm?” She asked.

If it means I get to be near you again. “Yeah.” They linked arms and walked out to the driveway.

Jenna’s clunky silver Buick Skyhawk awaited them. He raised his eyebrow. “This is your car?”

She blushed again. “Yeah. It’s my backup car. My newer one blew out its transmission a few months ago. I don’t have the money to get another one right now. It’s not a Mercedes, but it gets me from point A to point B.” She inserted her key into the side lock.

“That is old school. Having to unlock the doors by hand.”

“This car is a 1989 model. It’s been in my family since I was in elementary school. So yes, it predates the newfangled electric locks.” She unlocked the door. “After you, dear.”

If we ever date, I’m getting her a new car. She deserves something nice. “Thank you, Jenna.”

He sat down in the worn out seat.

She shut the door behind him and got in a moment later. “Which hospital am I going to?”

“USC Norris. You know where that is?”

“Approximately. We have Google Maps if we get lost.”

He chuckled. “You seem so confident about that.”

She turned on the ignition. “Hey, that’s a smartphone is for, right? To compensate for lack of human intelligence?”

“If you say so.”

“Navigate me, Chasez.” She turned around to back the car out of the driveway.

That could be interpreted in a sexual manner. He smiled to himself.

The next 20 minutes passed with light conversation as Jenna drove to the hospital. Her Chevy Cavalier almost died in the middle of Interstate 5, one of the city’s busiest highways. Luckily she was able to get off the road before the car completely stopped. She called a tow truck and brought it to her usual mechanic. He told her it would cost more than the car was worth; she was better off buying a new one. Her dad, Cameron’s, friend had this car and gave it to her for free.

“Does it embarrass you that you drive an old car?” JC asked.

“Not really. Not all of us are made of money, JC. I’m a journalist and don’t make all that much. But at least I’m in the profession I love.”

“You must worry about it copping out on you like the other one did.”

She nodded. “I’ve had a few close calls, not going to lie. I wonder every time I drive if it’ll do the job. But it does and I’ll make do with this one for now.”

I’m definitely buying her a car. She doesn’t need that worry over her head. “You shouldn’t have to worry about that, honey.”

“I’m glad you think so. You’re so considerate of my feelings.”

“That’s because your feelings are important, too. It’s okay to feel what you do. Anyone who truly cares about you won’t judge you for them.”

Jenna bit her lip as she pulled into the parking lot. He could see wetness in the back of her gaze.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She shook her head. “No, you didn’t. I just really needed to hear that. Someone in my life constantly tells me that I need to just shut up and take their bullshit.”

I wonder who she’s talking about. I hope it’s not a douchebag boyfriend. “Well, they need to shove it or I will come after them.”

She chuckled. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.” She parked the car. “We’re here. Let’s get you medicated for the week.”

She does this all the time. Veers the subject away from herself and back to me. Does she have something to hide or just being cautious?

They got out of the car. “Jenna, I’m really sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize,” she insisted. “I needed that reassurance. It just really struck a chord hearing it from you.”

In a good or bad way? She’s probably heard that countless times. What was it about the way I said it that was different? “Ah, I see.”

She linked her arm with his. “Come on. Let’s get inside before we’re caught.”

Jenna, you’re not exactly helping with your arm position. Not that I’m complaining. Just a thought. They walked into the hospital.

They settled into the private room a few minutes later. Wendy hooked JC up to the machines. He shuddered at the sight of the needles. Jenna held his hand and he didn’t flinch when they pinched his skin. It has to be because she’s here. I can’t think of any other explanation. Damn you, Jenna. You’re breaking my defenses. And I’m not sure I want you to. He sighed.

“You okay, JC?” She asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. I don’t like needles.”

“That’s the first time he hasn’t flinched when I’ve put the IV tube in.” Wendy chimed in. “You must have a special effect on him, Jenna.”

Way to put us on the spot, Wendy. JC looked at Jenna, whose cheeks were flushed. She let go and sat back in her chair. You didn’t have to do that. We’re holding hands as friends.

“We’re friends.” He replied coolly.

“You say that now. But I wouldn’t be surprised if you two come and tell me you’re dating one day.”

Jenna tried to make conversation for the first few minutes of treatment but backed off after a few trite responses. I shouldn’t have been so mean to Mom. She has the best intentions for me. Sometimes she doesn’t REALLY listen to me. She hears what she wants to and blocks out the rest. Which then prompts her to make up her own stories in her head of what’s happening when that may not be the case. He tired of the overbearing behavior. He wasn’t so sick that he couldn’t think for himself. That might happen in more extreme situations. Still, he didn’t like hurting her feelings as she was his mother and loved him more than anyone in the world. I’ll ask her to come over and we can talk about it.

He looked over at the IV tube. Is even worth it? I haven’t felt better. If anything, this is worse than the original problem. This week will probably be just like the others: puking my guts out on both ends, struggling to talk, and being bedbound. He barely remembered the last month because he was in a fog from the medicine. I hope this isn’t what the rest of my life will consist of. It’s such a battle to live every day. It’s so hard sometimes. Maybe I should give up. No, don’t. You have several supporters in your corner, including one who went out of her way for you today.

He glanced at Jenna, who was reading a book. She has done a lot for me, without expectation of anything in return. I wish there was some way I could help her.

After an hour, the treatment finished. JC felt woozy, so Wendy brought him a wheelchair. She pushed him out to the curb, where Jenna had pulled up her car. Both women helped him into the passenger side. Get me away from this place. I don’t want to see it more than I have to. I’m going to go mental, aren’t I?

After a few minutes, he couldn’t stand it anymore. Something has to give here. I’ve been holding everything back. He sighed as the tears from last night returned. He wiped his eye with two fingers on the window side so Jenna couldn’t see what he was doing. It’s not like she won’t notice eventually anyway. How I wish her body was against mine. Not even in a sexual way. Just to have warm closeness with a woman again. It’s probably not a good idea, but I don’t give a damn at this point. I just want her close. The wetness streamed down his cheeks.

“Are you okay?” Jenna asked sweetly.

Of course. I just finished another chemotherapy treatment. I’m bloody spectacular. “Not really. Just a lot going on.”

“I understand. I don’t know how you deal with it so well.”

He snorted. If you only knew, Jen. I’m not in the mood for positive bullshit.

They arrived home a few minutes later. “Jen, can you come in for a minute?” He whispered.
“Of course.” She got out of the car.

His throat constricted as he followed her.  I need her.

Once in the house, she turned to him. “Need a hug, sweetie?”

She knows what I need. He nodded and melted in her arms. Again, her hold provided a strong yet soft place to land. I’m safe with her. She won’t hurt me.

Jenna rubbed his back as he cried into her shoulder. She didn’t see the need for words and he appreciated that. He just wanted someone to be there while he let out his emotions. 

After a few minutes, they broke away. “Will you be okay?” She whispered.

“Yeah. I just need some time alone. Thank you for the hug. I needed it.”

She squeezed his hands. “You’re welcome.”

He hugged her again. Jenna was taken aback, but returned the motion. They stood there in the silence for a moment; each other’s presence was the only thing that mattered then. I want to kiss you so bad. To thank you for being here. But I shouldn’t. I can’t be in a relationship right now.

They broke away again and he walked her to the door. “Thank you again, Jenna. I really appreciate it.”

She nodded. “You’re welcome. I’ll see you later, okay?”

He smiled. “Later. Be safe driving home.”

After she left, he asked Matt to take him over to his house. He didn’t want to be alone and needed someone different to help him sort his feelings out about that woman. Luckily, his friend was available and obliged as soon as possible.

“So, what do you need to talk about?” Matt asked as they sat in his kitchen.

“I’m super confused about this girl, Jenna.”

“How did you meet her?”

“She was at Jive when I worked on ‘Kate’. We were friends, as far as coworkers go. I enjoyed hanging out with her and she was the only person who really understood the vision I wanted to accomplish with the record. She went to bat for me a few times.”

“She was outnumbered, unfortunately.”

“Yeah. I never forgot about she supported me when no one else did. We lost touch after I was dropped. Then we ran into each other at that charity event you picked me up from. So, we’ve been hanging out since then.”

“That sounds pretty good. Why are you confused?”

“Hold on, man. I’ll tell you. I’ve been really depressed about lack of progress in treatment, as you know. Jenna took me to my last one. While I was there, I thought too much and got emotional. After she took me home, I started crying. She wrapped her arms around me. I’m not sure I want her to get so close.”

“How did it feel when she held you?”

JC sighed. “I appreciated her warmth. She was just there for me; she didn’t try to negate my sadness. That’s what I needed then.”

“If you truly didn’t want that, you wouldn’t have let her. You could’ve said, ‘I’m fine. Please leave.’ But you didn’t. You let her comfort you because you trust her on some level.”

He’s right. “I do. And that scares me.”

“Why?”

“I have a full plate. All my time and energy is devoted to recovering right now. New relationships take those things to flourish and I’m not sure I have that to spare.  I don’t know what will happen to me. In unlikely event I die, she’ll get hurt.”

Matt frowned. “But what if the reason she’s here is to make this ordeal easier? What if she’s here to hold you up when you can’t stand on your own?”

“Something shifted yesterday. I felt safe and protected. I knew she would catch my tears. When I’m with her, everything’s okay. I forget I’m sick.”

“Then maybe it’s okay to let her in.”

JC groaned. “What do you mean ‘maybe’? I barely know her. We always talk about my problems. I don’t know that much about her life. How do I know she won’t screw me over like every other woman I’ve dated?”

Matt shrugged. “Maybe she won’t. You don’t know unless you explore that option. You know that you like being around her and would like to get to know her better."

Are you sure you're not a fucking psychic? “I didn’t see this coming. She’s finding a way under my skin.”

“I think you want to let your guard down, but you’re afraid to. You’ve built your walls so high that you haven’t let anyone climb them for some time.”

How does he know that? JC rolled his eyes.

“You’re rolling your eyes because you know I’m right. You like how she makes you feel but you’re terrified she’ll be another Eva or Bobbie. I think if she didn’t have good intentions, I think she would have left when you were diagnosed. There’s nothing superficial for her to gain here. You’re not desirable to the fake girls because you’re going through a traumatic time. No one that narcissistic would want to deal with this.”

Damn, you nailed it Matt. Yet what if she sees how weak I am and takes advantage of me? “I’m so cynical. Everything you’ve said, I’ve wanted to counteract with a negative thought.”

“You have, Dumbo. What happened to that optimistic guy I used to know?”

“He got the shit beat out of him emotionally and doesn’t want to believe anything good exists anymore.”

“Correction: He wants to, but doesn’t think it exists for him.” Matt replied.

JC sighed heavily. “This is why you’re my friend. You can read me so well.”

Matt grinned. “Right now, you hate for it but yes I can. It’s your decision going forward. Go with what your gut tells you. That’s usually right.”

“That’s true. It’s served me well over the years.”