"Dammit,” JC growled as another discordant note rang out on the keyboard. This is useless. Why do I even try? Because you love music and it would destroy you if that was taken away. He tried to sing, but only a throaty shell of his former voice appeared. I wish hadn’t taken this for granted. I was consumed by fear and didn’t take the time to sing for myself. He closed his eyes, remembering his voice’s former glory. It was clear, resonant and versatile. He got a thrill out of belting high notes night after night while the fans expressed their appreciation. What does it matter? I’m never getting it back. I should just forget about it. But he couldn’t because music was ingrained in his soul; a soul that craved to be to be heard. 

I need to get these emotions out. They aren’t any help up here. He hadn’t kept a journal for years; music usually took its place. However, that route wasn’t fruitful so he decided to write them down. He found a ragged black notebook sitting on his computer desk. He kept random thoughts he came up with during songwriting in there. I haven’t touched this is in so long. He leafed through to an empty page and started to write:

I miss my voice.  I never thought I’d have to say that. I’d give anything to hear it in real life again. Sure, it’s recorded in audio and video but it’s not the same. Something about hearing your gift coming out and giving others joy. I tell myself to move on but I can’t. My voice was an integral part of my love for music and having an outlet to express myself. But it’s been stolen from me and it’s gone forever

My life isn’t mine anymore, anyway. Cancer dictates the course of my day. If I’m throwing up for hours, I’m guaranteed to be bedbound for the remainder because I have zero energy. Then I’m not hungry which zaps my energy and leaves me motionless. If I don’t have that, I can’t talk to anyone and am left with miserable thoughts day after day. I’d give anything to not be me right now. I’m so damn tired. If Hell exists, I think I have found it.

I don’t see an end in sight. The diagnosis was three months ago. It seems like it should be longer for as much as I’m fighting this disease. On the other hand, it’s a lifetime ago because I didn’t have to worry about medicine and the bills that come along with it. I didn’t have to watch those I love suffer because I’m sick. That’s hard enough to deal with as it is. I suppose it’s better that I don’t keep track of time.

His phone buzzed. Texts from Jenna and Justin had come in at the same time. Justin asked how to Jenna’s. She wanted to know if she could come over after work tonight. I don’t see why not. Hopefully I’ll feel better by then. After he replied to her, Karen called. Geez, everyone wants to talk to me now, huh? She wanted to come over so they could talk about their disagreement the day before. He hoped they would come out the other side with a better understanding of one another’s positions.

I give up. I’m just going to sleep my life away until Mom gets here. Hell, I wouldn’t mind going to sleep and never waking up right now. I’m as good as dead without my voice, anyway. He dragged his limp body out of the chair to the rec room next door. He flopped on the couch and fell asleep.

“Joshua…”

JC stirred. “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Mom.”

He narrowly opened his eyes to Karen’s concerned face. “Hey.”

“Hey. How are you?” She stroked his head, which was covered by a black beanie hat.

“Like death.”

“Rough day?”

JC rolled his eyes internally. If you only knew, Mom. “More like a hellish life.”

“I’m sorry about yesterday. honey. This situation is taking a toll on me, as it is everyone.”

“I’m sorry, too. For everything.”

“It’s not your fault.” Karen paused. “You know what’s so unfair about this, Josh?”

“What?”

“Some unknown antigen invaded your body without your consent. You didn’t get a say in this. One day you’re not sick and the next you are.”

You’ve got that right. JC nodded. “I can’t do anything about that, sadly.”

“Not the fact that you got cancer. But now you have a choice to fight back and it’s a choice you have to make every day.”

“I want to give up.” JC coughed. “I haven’t seen any progress.”

“And let it steal away the one thing that means the most to you?”

“That left when I was dropped from Jive.”

“I don’t think so. You may be having a bad day but that doesn’t negate all the effort you’ve made. You have a lot to live for.”

He snorted. “Like what?”

“Your lady friend, Jenna for example.”

What? Yesterday you thought she was some witch manipulating my mind. “I thought you didn’t like her.”

“She’s growing on me. I just don’t want you to get hurt with all you have going on. She has a positive effect on you, whether you know it or not.”

Yeah, she does. What’s with the quick change of heart? “I’m surprised you’d suggest her as a reason, Mom.”

“Yesterday I was emotional about the whole situation and that was the spark that lit the flame. I’m sorry I stress you out so much, sweetheart. I only want the best outcome for you.”

“And a great way to do that is give me room to breathe,” he replied dryly.

Karen stroked his head again. “I’ll try. Do you need anything right now?”

He shook his head. “I feel like shit. I just want to sleep in peace.”

“Then rest you shall, Josh.” She kissed his forehead.

He half smiled. “Thank you, Mom.”

“Anytime, honey. This shall pass, I promise.”

The sweetness in Karen’s gaze caused a pang in his heart. She loves me. And I her, even though she drives me crazy sometimes. I can’t imagine what that would do to her if I died. I can’t do that to Mom. Maybe I should keep going. Karen picked up her purse. “Do you want the lights turned off, Josh?”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’ll see you later, Mom.”

He was awakened a few hours later by an obnoxiously loud buzzing. Can’t I be left in peace? He groaned and reached for his phone.

“I’m outside your door and it’s locked” Jenna’s text read.

Crap, I forgot you were coming. He had an app that could unlock the door with a security code. He typed the code in and replied.  “Come on in. I just unlocked it. I’d come greet you but I’m really sick today.” Shit. I’m not in the normal place she visits me in.

“JC, where are you?” He could hear her call.

“I’m in my rec room, which is downstairs.” He typed. “The door’s in the font hallway.”

Jenna arrived a few minutes later. “Oh, there you are. Not in the usual spot.”

“I was attempting to write in the studio but didn’t have the energy to make it back upstairs. Sorry I couldn’t answer the door.” He had sat up in a sitting position by this point.

“That’s okay.” She sat down on the couch by his feet. “So, how’s my favorite guy?”

Favorite guy, huh? He wavered his hand. “Eh. Making it.

“What’s wrong?”

Oh, the usual. Wishing I was dead because my voice is gone. No big deal. “I’m really foggy. So, if I don’t make sense, I apologize.”

“I’ve read that a side effect of chemo is short term memory loss.”

Wow, you’re really doing some research, Jen. “Just giving you a heads up. So, how are you?”

She groaned. “Frustrated. Boss is giving me hell in a hand basket. I want to tell him to screw off but his answer would be ‘When and where?’”

Not if I have anything to say about it. “What about?”

“My performance of late.” She buttoned the bottom of her shirt.

She’s not telling me the whole thing, is she? “Anything I can help you with?”

She shook her head. “No, thank you. I’m hoping it’ll go away on its own.”

"You don't... treat me like everyone else does." Where did that come from?

Jenna furrowed her brows and frowned. "What do you mean?"

"They can't... look at me without being sad. And then I'm sad because they are."

"They have deep emotional investment in you. Your mom, for example, has raised you since you were five. That's almost all your life and she loves you as if she birthed you. Then take a close friend like Lance. You all spent nine or more years together every day, working your butts off at something you loved to do. That bonds people together. So, their emotions cloud their judgment sometimes."

"Wow. Haven't thought about it like that."

"I, on the other hand, have a limited context of knowing you. While we're expanding that by hanging out together, it's not as intense as someone who's known you longer."

He frowned. "You don't care as much."

She shook her head. "No. It's just a different set of feelings. If we were in a relationship, I'd feel the same way they do.”

I'm starting to wish we were. "You're so wise."

She shrugged. "Nah, just an objective force that makes you think in ways you hadn't before."

Dammit, Jenna.  You nailed it again. "You like being here, don't you?"

She smiled. "Yes, I enjoy helping you and taking care of you. Why do you ask?"

"There's nothing in this for you."

"The friendship we've rekindled is enough for me."

Friendship. She probably doesn't feel like I do. "Oh."

"I won’t take advantage of you, JC. I can't imagine how many people have done so because of your celebrity. It's not about that here. I’m your friend and care about your wellbeing.”

I figured as much. Why was I expecting anything different? She hasn’t indicated any romantic inclinations. I’m probably reading into something that isn’t there.

“You seem disappointed by that answer.”

“Well, that’s because I like you more than that.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, really?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Everything is okay when you’re here. Sometimes I even forget I’m sick. You don’t define me by the illness. And I appreciate that so much.”

She half smiled as her cheeks flushed. “You like having me around, eh?”

You seem to enjoy it too, from that adorable expression. “Yeah. A lot.” JC studied Jenna’s features. Her jaw was a mix of rounded and square. Her face was perfectly proportioned; no facet overpowered the others. Brown waves effortlessly tumbled down her shoulders. Today she had on a lilac short sleeved button down and capris. Her bottom lip curled, as if in thought. “You’re staring at me.”

“Hey, I appreciate beauty when I see it. And it’s right front of me, both inside and out.”

Her lips stiffened. “Thank you. It’s been some time since I’ve been called beautiful.”

If you were mine, I’d call you that all the time. “You’re welcome. I wouldn’t lie to you.”

She tensed up even more. "Can I get you anything before I go?"

What does she seem so eager to hide? He shook his head. "Thank you, Jenna." He kissed her cheek lightly.

Jenna blushed again. “You’re too sweet. Get some sleep, Chasez.” She squeezed his hands before leaving.

You should have just kissed her full on. Your feelings intensify every time you’re together. Even just now…  He drifted off with that thought.

He awoke a few hours later with a chill up his spine. Why do I feel like something is different?  He’d had hangovers where he didn’t remember what happened the night before, only that it wasn’t good. Now, the dynamics of his life had shifted. He couldn’t place a finger on how. What did I do? I must have done SOMETHING. His stomach churned with unease. Who was just here? … Jenna! Dear God, don’t let me say anything stupid! He leaped from the couch and barely made it to the toilet before expelling bodily waste.

30 minutes later, he flopped on his couch. Usually an episode like that knocked him out in minutes, even seconds. Not tonight. What happened? I can’t remember and it’s aggravating me that I don’t. He groaned. What was the worst that could happen? Spill out his guts for her and she rejects him? No, we couldn’t have kissed. I’d never forget the glorious feeling it must be to kiss her. Back off, Chasez. She’s not yours and possibly could be someone else’s woman.

I wonder if that’s what she’s hiding from me. She was awfully jumpy tonight. He’d never fully entertained the idea that she had a boyfriend. If she was dating anyone seriously, she would have mentioned it by now, wouldn’t she? A dull ache emerged in his heart. He hated the thought of Jenna in another man’s arms. It would break his heart. She looked troubled the other day before his treatment. He wished he could vanquish all her worries and doubts. Why won’t she let me comfort her like she’s done for me? It’s only fair.  Her heart was pure and that was what mattered, not that she was ‘bigger’ than societal standards. No woman in Hollywood would do what she’s done for me.