Dr. Franklin’s office called the next morning. Colleen informed JC the doctor wanted to schedule a follow up appointment with him to discuss his progress. There’s nothing to talk about, he grumbled inwardly. I’m sick and will be for the foreseeable future. Nonetheless, he agreed and they scheduled an appointment for the next day. I don’t see anything good coming out of this. I’ve had enough of the medical system as it is. But this is part of the process.

Get up. You need to get in the shower. The thought was right. He hadn’t bathed in days and the last time was in his bath tub because he didn’t have the strength to stand. Showers used to be one of his favorite activities. That was his time to either wake up and prepare for his day or decompress from a long day. The warm water acted as an elixir to his soul. Now, even with a shower seat, he couldn’t muster longer than 10 minutes. That’s gone now, you shouldn’t be thinking about that. But he couldn’t help it. Ever since he’d gotten sick, he longed to be capable of doing things for himself and not have to ask everyone else.

Roy came over to his bedside. “Morning, son.”

“Morning,” JC mumbled. “Can you help me up?”

Roy nodded, removing the covers from his body. “Give me your hands.”

His son raised up his arms as his father held his hands to pull him up. He shouldn’t have to do this. I should be able to do this myself. JC groaned.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded. “Just wishing things were different, that’s all.”

“We all do, Josh. But that doesn’t do us any good. Focus on your will to fight. You just sat up, which you aren’t able to do some days. That’s a victory in itself.”

He sighed. “I suppose so. Just help me get to the bathroom.”

“Do you want to take a shower?”

JC stood up. “Yeah. But I want to try to do it myself.”

“Okay. I’ll be outside the door if you need anything.”

After a seated 10 minute shower, he was clean. He dried off and got dressed in track pants and a white v-neck t-shirt. As he patted his face with a towel, he caught a glimpse of his reflection.

His face looked gaunt: narrow features, lifeless eyes, navy under eye circles and luggage size bags. Damn, do I look sickly or what?  He stripped off his white t-shirt and studied his reflection further. His collar bone was more prominent than before. What little definition existed in his stomach had disappeared and was replaced by a pooch. His arms had lost almost all definition as well. His low slung track pants exposed his protruding hip bones. He’d always been thin but he’d lost at least 15 lbs since the ordeal started. How can anyone bear to look at this shadow of the man I once was? And then he understood. This was why his loved ones couldn’t stand it. They knew what he looked like healthy and now seeing what he’d been reduced to? His heart squirmed in his chest. They shouldn’t have to see this. Damn you, cancer. Do you not realize how much damage you’ve done to me and my family? Of course not. You’ll gladly take any life you please.

Tears brimmed in the back of his eye as his throat tightened up. He hadn’t taken time to study what he looked like and now he wished he hadn’t. This is what I’ve been reduced to, huh? Depression took away my mind and now cancer is stealing my body. Is it even worth it all for one little section on my vocal cords? A tear slipped down his cheek. Right now it doesn’t seem like it. There’s no end in sight. I’m doomed to live a life full of cancer treatments and looking like death on legs. Funny how you don’t appreciate something until it’s gone.

A knock came at his door, which jarred his thoughts. “Josh, are you okay?” Roy asked.

“No.” He said. “You can come in.”

His father opened the door. “Need a hug?”

JC nodded. “Please.”

The men embraced. Roy patted and rubbed his son’s back while JC silently wept.

They broke away after a few moments. “I wish I hadn’t… taken my… health for granted.” He sniffled.

“I know, son. A lot of people do. They think they are invincible and don’t fathom that it could happen to them. Unfortunately, cancer doesn’t give a damn that you’ve been healthy for most of your life.”

JC sighed, wiping his eyes. “Sorry about that.”

“You don’t need to apologize for your tears, Josh. We’re here for you, okay?”

“Okay. I just hate… that I’m so weak.”

“Again, that’s fine. It’s from moments like this that we know true strength.”

JC slipped on his shirt again. “I need to lie down.”

“Sure. You want your hat?” Roy offered the black beanie to him.

“Yeah. Might as well.” He put it on. “Thanks, Dad. I needed that.”

“You’re welcome. Get some rest.”

A severe urge to vomit awoke him several hours later. He lurched over his bedside to expel the liquid to the trash can set beside it. This went on for several minutes as Karen and Roy rushed to his aid. Even after vomiting, he couldn’t stop coughing. Karen gently urged him to breathe as he struggled to stop the onslaught.

“Shit,” He finally said with water in his eyes. “How do I keep doing that when there’s nothing to draw from?”

“It’s the medication,” Roy said with a frown. “Do you want some water?”

“We can try it but...”

“Here,” Karen handed him a small juice glass full. JC sipped on the liquid, washing out the acidic bile that remained. The feeling was almost pleasant. But sure enough, it came back up a minute later.

Roy sighed and shook his head. “Dad got like this, too.”

“Oh Roy, don’t say that.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it, honey. I’m just stating a fact.”

“I just hate to see my son like this. I don’t want to have to bury him.”

JC laced Karen’s hand with his. “It’s alright, Mom. I’ll be okay.”

She sighed. “It’s just hard to watch when there’s nothing you can do.”

“You’re here,” he whispered. “That’s all that matters to me.”

Karen wiped her eye. “Oh Joshua, I’m going to cry again!”

JC simply squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. You can do that.”

She sighed again. “You need to rest.”

I won’t argue with that. But I think she’s telling me that so I won’t see her cry. “Yeah. That takes a lot out of me.”

She kissed his forehead. “I love you, honey.”

“I love you, Mom.”  He turns to Roy. “And you too, Dad. Thanks for being here today.

“That’s what I’m here for, son.” His father replied.

JC drifted off without another word.

He awoke again about an hour later. The midnight black of the room indicated it was night outside. He didn’t exactly know what hour, but it didn’t matter; there was no use keeping track of every moment he lived in this hell. All he was focused on was surviving that moment. And once he conquered that one, it was on to the next traumatic instance. And you got through that last sickening instance, Great job by you, Chasez.

He turned over on his right side. Wouldn’t it be nice to have Jenna curled up next to me? Just to have a warm body to make this bearable? He didn’t fight the thought; that’s all it was, after all.  It scared him how fast he had fallen in love with her. Time and time again he’d told himself he shouldn’t because of the disease and treatment. Yet her presence made the ordeal easier to endure. Her voice dissipated his fears and worries. Her touch comforted his ailing soul. Oh, how he wished her lips could be a comfort as well. He was done trying to put up a front. Yet he wasn’t sure if she was. I don’t want to think anymore. I just want to hear her voice and forget about this for a while. He clicked her name and awaited her answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jenna.”

“Oh. Hey. How are you?” The tone indicated she had been caught off guard by his call.

“Gravely ill. But so what else is new?”

“Rough day?”

“You know the drill. Expelling my guts out both ends then sleeping the day away.”

“Sounds about right.”

JC sighed. “I wish I had my shit together, Jenna.”

“Looks deceive, Josh. You could have everything society thinks is the measure of success but still have a gnawing feeling it’s not right for you. But you ignore it because you’re so desperate for that so called perfect life and don’t give a damn if it kills you.”

That’s the most she’s told me about herself. “Did that happen to you?”

“I thought I had everything. My ex had just proposed and we were going to be that picturesque couple with all the trimmings. I'd been hired full time for the first time in over a year. I thought, yeah I've made it. I'm set. Oh how wrong I was.”

“Why do you say that?”                                                                                                                    

“The engagement fell apart only a few months later and the job was nothing like I hoped. My boss is the Devil's incarnate. I hate him with a passion but yet I have to smile and take the beatings day after day.”

“I know that feeling. What kinds of things does he say to you?”

“Words that shouldn't be said to anyone let alone to a woman.” She sighed. “Why are you so interested in my feelings anyway?”

“Because it's not just me in this friendship.” As much as I’d like it to be more. “It's not just my problems, Jenna. Healthy relationships involve give and take. And I want to give you what you've given me.”

She sighed again. “I don't need anything in return”

"You do. You're just too stubborn to admit it because you don't want to have your heart ripped out of your chest."

Jenna muttered an expletive under her breath. "You're driving me crazy, Joshua."

She knows how to run in the other direction from good intentions. "Same goes to you, Jenna."

"Ah, mutual irritation. Gotta love it."

“You're a smart one, aren't you?"

Jenna chuckled. "It's been known to happen."

"Not only that, you have a beautiful soul. I just wish you could see that. You're so kind and giving."

"Well, thank you. I'm glad you noticed."

“It’s hard not to. You’ve been here for me in a lot of ways. I don't see how you can give so much and not want anything in return."

“It’s like you said. I give in hopes the other person will do the same, but they rarely do. So, I don’t...  No, I shouldn’t. I’ve said enough already.”

“Not really. I was just starting to get to know you on a deeper level.”

“It’s better you don’t right now. I have to go.” She hung up.

Well, that wasn’t the pleasant conversation I’d hoped for. She had a treacherous edge to her voice tonight. What had been bothering her? The dynamic seemed tenser now. What had he done to receive such a reception? Or maybe something changed on her end? I hope it's not irreparable. I really enjoy having Jenna around. It's such a shame she doesn't see herself as I do. But quite frankly I don't know how much longer I can offer my affections only to meet a brick wall. She starts to crack but then patches it almost as quickly. What is she so afraid of? Probably the same the same thing you are. Getting hurt.

Still, he still had a sneaking suspicion she was hiding something. What, he didn’t know. Maybe she’d gotten into an argument with a boyfriend. Or had a bad day at work? Speaking of her job… no, she wouldn’t set me up like that. Or maybe her boss is. She’d mentioned him on several occasions recently. Maybe this guy was pressuring her to write a story about JC’s imminent death. This wasn’t the truth, even though JC felt like dying some days. God, I hope that wasn’t her intention from the beginning. Then she would be no better than the others and I would be a fool to fall for that shit again. He groaned. Damn you, Jenna. I want to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe what I’ve seen. But it’s getting harder.

Then why don't you ask her? Oh sure, that'll be a great conversation starter. "Hey Jenna, have you been playing me this whole time just for career gain?" He snorted as her words from yesterday played in his head. She looked so sincere. As he had said before, she didn't seem like a fake. Then again, I'm not the best judge of character as my life demonstrates.

Come on, Chasez. What’s so different about this potential story? Other people with nothing to do are sitting around making up shit to publish. It was because he was directly involved. Random faceless bloggers could say what they want about his circumstances. But Jenna had infiltrated his inner circle and climbed inside his heart. He didn’t want to be in love with her, but it turned out that way. Part of him refused to believe she would set him up. Not the woman who had been a companion, took him to his treatment and held him while he cried.

He sighed in resignation. Something has to give soon enough. We can't keep dancing around this boundary. I have to have an answer. My circumstances are uncertain enough as it is; I need to know what’s going on.