Chapter 20

Morning announced its return with beaming light through JC’s window. He rubbed his eyes and snorted. Too damn bright, he thought. Yet I don’t have the strength to go close the curtains and block it out. You just had to pull the bright and cheery act today, didn’t you, universe?

He grumbled into his pillow. What’s the fucking point of getting out of bed today? Any result will more than likely mean more treatment, which means more puking out my guts and wishing I was dead. It’s hellish enough trying to live day after day; I rather not think about the possibility of being on treatment for the rest of my life. And lord knows how long that might be. This disease could possibly kill me in a month, six months or a year.

Why don’t I just curl up and die?  It would be easier. The people I love wouldn’t be burdened with taking care of me. I wouldn’t have to be in pain anymore. God, why don’t you let me die? Why do you keep me here in this desolate and empty desert? No oasis to quench my thirst for normalcy or vegetation to restore my faith in color.  Again, I ask ‘Why?’” Why am I even here? Why must you torture me so? He heard no answer. Not that he expected to; his prayers had gone unanswered for some time. God’s probably not even listening to me right now anyway.

I wish I could stay in bed and not have to interact with anyone. Everyone will probably try to feed me positive bullshit that I don’t believe and sounds trite after the first five times. I have nothing to gain from the world today nor do I have anything to offer.

"Can’t you go blind someone else for once?” He growled as the sunlight crept further into his room. He then buried his face deeper into his pillow.

His phone buzzed again. “Shit,” JC mumbled. “Who wants to give me bad news now?” He glanced at the screen and noticed Jenna’s name. Oh, so now you want to talk? You weren’t so eager yesterday.

“Hello?” he answered groggily.

“Hey. Did I wake you, sweetie?”

Sweetie? This is new. “Nah, you’re good. What’s up?”

“Would you have time to talk this afternoon?”

Honestly, I want to be left alone today. But then this must be important if she’s initiating this. I don’t have the heart to turn her down. “I have a doctor’s appointment at 12:30 but that’s it. Why?”

“I need to tell you something.”

Good. I might actually get some answers. “Does it have to do with why you’ve been so on edge?”

“It’s the exact reason. Are you angry?”

He shook his head. “No. I just want answers. I don’t have time to fool with games.”

“You’re right.  Please don’t think badly of me.”

He cracked a smile. “Jenna, it would have to be downright treason for that to happen.”

She cleared her throat. “I do like being around you, JC. And I don’t want to keep secrets from you.”

Again, she deflected that away awfully quick. “We’ll talk this out and go from there. Don’t worry, okay?”

“I won’t. Let me know how the appointment goes.”

I don’t buy the tone. She’s really worried about this. “I’ll tell you when you get here. Is it alright if I text you when I get back?”

“Peachy. I’ll see you soon.”

He shook his head as they hung up. Dammit, Jenna Timbrook. You’re making it harder and harder to get close to you. Why do you open the door only to slam it in my face? We need to get to the bottom of this. I can’t keep running into a brick wall. Her explanation better be good.

Karen rapped on his door a moment later. “Joshua, are you awake? It’s noon. We have to leave for the doctor in ten minutes.”

Wonderful. Let’s see how many more months my prison sentence will last. “Coming,” JC mumbled. At least I don’t take forever to get ready these days. He’d slept in yesterday’s t-shirt and pants and he never removed his beanie hat unless he was showering. He grabbed his sunglasses from the side table and found a pair of flip flops and before heading downstairs.

Roy and Karen were waiting by the front door when JC reached the foot of the stairs. His mom kissed her cheek. “Hi sweetie. How are you today?”

He smiled lightly at his mother’s affection. His stomach churned in guilt. I can’t tell her about those thoughts. It’ll scare her to death, no pun intended. “Hanging in there. Ready to get this appointment out of the way.”

“I think we all are, son.” Roy said. He opened the door. “Shall we go?”

JC sighed. “Might as well.”

“What kind of result are you hoping for?” Roy asked once the trio was in the car.

JC shrugged. “Haven’t thought about it. What about you?”

“I hope the cancer isn’t worse. That this medication they’re giving you hasn’t inadvertently caused the cells to grow or metastasize elsewhere in your body.”

Oh God, I hope not. That’s the last thing I need right now.

His parents started discussing possible outcomes further and JC tuned them out. He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He’d only been awake almost 20 minutes but it felt like an eternity to his body and mind. He had gone from wishing he was knocking on Death’s door to putting on a fake smile to hide the pain. Isn’t that what you have to do sometimes? Pick yourself off the floor and force a presentable persona to the world? He remembered doing that many a morning after leaving Jive.  At the time, he thought nothing could be worse than the emotional pain he was in during that period. At least then I had the option to sing to myself if I needed comfort. Now I don’t even have that. He sighed, a tear brimming from his left eye. I just don’t understand. Why did cancer choose to destroy my life? Not that I wish this on anyone, but couldn’t it have someone else’s life to wreck? I’m glad I put on sunglasses so they can’t see. He cleared his throat.

15 minutes later, the group was waiting in an exam room as Dr. Franklin arrived. “Hello everyone! How are we doing today?”

JC shook his doctor’s hand. “I’m here. That should be enough, right?”

“Of course it is.” Dr. Franklin greeted his parents before opening his iPad case. “JC, you’ve passed the three month mark in treatment. That means we’re halfway through phase one. Information we gather from today’s scan will help us determine what route we will take next.”

I can’t gather the energy to be excited about that. This war has worn me down to the depth of my soul.

“That is wonderful news!” Karen studied JC’s expression. “Aren’t you excited, honey?”

JC shrugged. “It’s good, I guess. No day differs from the next for me anymore.”

“What does this entail, Doctor?” Roy asked.

“It’s pretty simple procedure, really. I use a 2 millimeter wide camera to look at the tumor. He has to drink some numbing agent so his gag reflex won’t swallow the device.”

Karen shuddered and Dr. Franklin touched her hand reassuringly. “It doesn’t last long. The last time I did this, he regained feeling within minutes. It’ll be fine.”

Compared to what I’ve been through in the past 24 hours, this will be a piece of cake. At least I won’t feel any pain from this procedure. “He knows what he’s doing. I trust him.”

His mother relaxed slightly. If her son could trust the doctor, so could she. “Will we be allowed in with him?”

Dr. Franklin nodded. “Of course. I’m not removing anything today. It’s mainly a progress check. If you’re ready, you all may follow me.”

JC hopped off the patient table. I don’t want to spend another second here than I have to.

The doctor chuckled. “Someone is eager to get this out of the way.”

“Yeah,” JC replied with a slight smile.

The group went to the same exam room where JC’s first procedure took place. “Recognize this, JC?”

All too well.  “Yeah.” The material hissed as he sat down in the chair.

“Karen, Roy, we’ve provided chairs for you all over here,” Dr. Franklin motioned to the right corner of the room.

“Is Colleen coming?” JC asked.

Dr. Franklin shook his head. “Nope, I’m doing everything today. I thought you might like that better.”

“Yeah, she didn’t exactly ease my mind.”

“What will happen today is you’ll take the solution and I’ll scan your throat with the camera to see what your mass has been up to since surgery. Your parents will be able to see what it looks like on the screen while it’s in there; I’ll also take pictures to show you afterwards. Then, based on what I see, I’ll make a recommendation. But that is always up for negotiation. Sound good?”

The patient nodded. “Bring it on.”

“Then here’s this.” Dr. Franklin handed JC the vial of clear liquid. Last time I was terrified of this stuff. Now I kind of wish it lasted longer so I don’t have to feel the pain of the coughing fits.

He ingested the familiar salty concoction. The bitterness wasn’t quite so shocking as the previous time, but still a formidable foe. The numbness overtook him within a minute.

“You ready, son?” Dr. Franklin asked with a masked face and gloved hands.

JC internally rolled his eyes. Just do it. Quit asking me stupid questions. He opened his mouth in response.

The physician picked up his camera and moved it towards JC’s mouth. Then he gently maneuvered it into JC’s throat until he got the desired angle to see the mass. Dr. Franklin sighed exasperatedly and shook his head.

“What do you see, Doctor?” Karen inquired.

“The mass looks about the same as it did after surgery.”

You mean I’ve gone through Hell and back and I’m still not better?  Wonderful. Just wonderful. JC clenched his fists on the chair’s arms.  

“I know, JC. I’m just as frustrated as you are.” Dr. Franklin retracted the camera from his throat.

You’re not the one living in this hell day in and day out. How dare you try to say you know how I feel? The patient bit his lip to keep from screaming or cursing. Not that I can right now since that stuff is still on my chords.

“What happens next?” Karen asked.

“We keep doing treatment. I’m going to increase the dosage of one drug to see if that will help any. The current cocktail is only containing the remaining cells, not shrinking them.”

“Will it make his side effects worse?” Karen asked.

“I don’t think so. I’ve given that dosage to other patients and it doesn’t make the side effects worse. That doesn’t mean he won’t have them. That won’t change.”

“Yesterday he couldn’t keep even water down,” Roy said.

Dr. Franklin frowned. “Unfortunately, that is a common effect from chemotherapy. Is that a regular occurrence?”

Oh please. Heaven forbid I have to go through yesterday again. JC shook his head.

“I think that was the first time he’s been that ill.” Karen added.

“Keep a close eye on that for me. If that continues for a significant amount of time, I’ll substitute one of the medications for another.”

Define significant. Even a second is a significant amount of time for me these days. The patient groaned.

“Do you think he’ll need another round of treatment?” Roy asked.

Gavin shrugged. “I don’t know. It depends on how well this medication increase goes in the next few months. The new combination could do the trick or make the tumor worse. I can make an educated guess as a doctor, but the human body can decide to go in a different direction.”

He then turned to JC. “Do you have any questions for me?”

What is there to ask? I’m doomed to several more months in this hell and there’s no way out. The numbing agent had worn off but he had zero desire to speak to his doctor. He shook his head.

“I’m sorry he’s not so talkative today,” Karen replied.

“Don’t apologize. I don’t take it personally. Sometimes, patients get so consumed with living this reality that they don’t want to talk about it more than they have to.”

Thank you, God. He understands what I’m thinking. JC smiled genuinely at Gavin. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I can tell you’re burning out. The next few months will be just as taxing, if not more so. You’ll need your support system more than ever. Let them be there for you.”

I will if they want to stay around. He shook his doctor’s hand.

Dr. Franklin patted his shoulder. “Take care, JC.”

“I’ll try.”

One uneventful car ride later, the Chasezes were back at JC’s house. Karen made her son a turkey and cheese sandwich. JC took his time with eating. Luckily, nothing regurgitated this time. He was relieved after not bring able to keep anything down the previous day. Still, he wished he could enjoy food more. That was one of the main things cancer had robbed him of. He couldn’t find joy in any part of life because it had become such a task to survive.

 After lunch, JC and Roy settled in to the living room to watch a LA Dodgers baseball game on TV. “Have you heard from Jenna recently?”

That’s right, she did call me earlier. “Yeah. She said she wants to tell me something.”

“Did she give you any indication of what that might be?”

JC shook his head. “No. I’m getting frustrated with the situation. She opens up a little bit only to slam the door in my face.”

“She’ll explain herself in time. Maybe today is that day.”

How he know that? He hasn’t talked to her much that I know of. JC groaned while reaching for his phone. “I don’t have the energy for this shit.”                                                                                        

Roy smirked. “He says while getting out his phone to text said woman in question.”

“Shut up, Dad.” He’s right, though. Despite all that, I still want to see her. Why am I doing this to myself? “I’m home now. Let me know when you want to come over,” he typed.

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

JC rolled his eyes. “Yes, you are Dad. I just hope today is the end of the games and we can be one or the other.”

“You like having her around. I know you do.”

“Yeah, I do. But she makes it hard to get close to her when she casts out bait only to reel it back in.”

“Loving women isn’t always easy, son. Even after all these years, your mother and I have our disagreements. But it’s worth it because of what we’ve built together.”

“I can’t think that far ahead right now.”

“You don’t have to. Just see what she says and figure out where to go from there.”

JC’s phone buzzed. Jenna had texted back. “I can be there around 4, would that work?”

Here goes nothing. “Sure.” He typed.

JC zoned out from his surroundings after a while. I don’t understand her. There’s nothing for her to gain here. Although if my theory from yesterday is true… maybe her boss is telling her to be nice to me so he can screw me over. But that didn’t seem right. She had only been especially jumpy the past few weeks. She has a past, too you know. Maybe some guy hurt her just like women have done to you. Even so, having my affections meet a brick wall is getting old. I think I’ll give her a taste of her own medicine. See how it feels.

Roy nudged JC around four o’clock. “Hey, I think your lady friend is at the door.”

He smiled wryly. Why does the thought of her still make me smile?  “Will you answer it, please?”

“Sure.” His father left the room.

JC grunted and stood up in preparation for Jenna’s arrival. You better make this worth it, Timbrook.

She appeared a moment later, tiredness apparent in her features. Her eyes were half open and blue hues lined underneath, her hair was windblown and the top button of her button down shirt exposed her well-toned décolleté. Regardless, she smiled brightly as the sight of him.  “Hey.”

Even when you’re tired you look beautiful. “Hey Jenna.”

She wrapped him in her arms. Dammit, she feels heavenly. He returned her affection by doing the same for her. Good going, Chasez. So much for trying to resist her. Something about her size and stature allowed her to completely embrace him from all angles. At least for that moment, he was in a warm and safe place. I wish you would let us do this more often. I could stay in your arms forever.

They broke away a few moments later. “How are you feeling?”
He shrugged. She, like Karen, didn’t need to know about his death wishes. “I’m alive, I guess. Whether it’s a good or bad thing remains to be seen.”

“Of course it’s a good thing! You get to see me, don’t you?”

JC smirked. “Yeah. You have a point.” He attempted to clear his throat, which lead him to start coughing. Perfect timing, body. Just perfect. We could have had another moment there.

“Do you need anything?”

He shook his head and he held up a hand to excuse himself for a moment.

After a few minutes of violent coughing in the bathroom, the fit subsided. I absolutely hate those fits. But it could be worse. I could be regurgitating everything I’ve consumed. He also felt a little nauseous, so he decided to relieve himself for good measure. Then hopefully Jenna and I can figure out what her deal is. I’m getting tired of this act.

“For the last time, Derek, I refuse to hurt someone I care about for the sake of money!” Jenna barked as JC left the restroom.

He froze in his tracks and his heart sank. Shit… has she been playing me this whole time? What does she mean by that? He tip toed to the living room entrance. Jenna was sitting on his couch and he could tell she was angry. She was breathing heavily, her left hand was clenched tightly in a fist and her right leg swung impatiently on top of a crossed formation.

That explains everything. I should have seen this coming from a mile away. Some greedy dickhead is using her to make money and generate publicity for his publication. She said she refuses to hurt me but does she really mean that?

Her voice intensified. “Even if I was, it’s none of your DAMN business. NONE of this is your business. You know what? GOOD DAY!” She hung up.

JC cleared his throat. “Is there something I need to know about?”

Jenna whipped around and her jaw dropped.