Chapter 21

“Oh, uh, hi. Yes, there is something you need to know about,” Her left leg started shaking.

JC clenched his fists and approached her. “Is that what you’ve been doing this whole time? Getting me to trust you and have feelings for you only to screw me over?”

Jenna scoffed, crossing her arms. “No, of course not! Like I said, I want to talk about that. It’s not what you think it is! I promise!”

“I’m not sure I want to know the answer now.” He groaned and shook his head. “Shit, Jenna. What is it about me that prompt women like you to walk all over me?”

“What do you mean women like me? I’ve only been nice to you! I’ve taken you to treatments and been over here practically every day for lord knows how long.”

“But maybe kindness wasn’t your motive.” He stepped closer.

Jenna shot up and glared at him. “Excuse me? How dare you tell me what my motives are when you won’t listen to me!”

“I’ve seen it before. You’re all fake, manipulative, stupid and only after the money. Admit it.”

Jenna opened her mouth but words failed.

“See, that proves my point. You can’t even come up with a defense for yourself.”

“That’s not it!” she spat. “I can’t believe you right now. You’ve asked me to talk about myself; I was willing to open up but not now if you just cut me down like this!”

He shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“Maybe in your mind.” Jenna picked up her purse. “I feel sorry for you right now.”

JC narrowed his eyes. “Sorry? What the hell do you mean?”

“Look, I don’t know who hurt you in the past. But you’re assuming I’m like her for whatever reason. And I don’t think it’s fair that you’re punishing me for what she did. That’s why you’re alone. You don’t trust anyone new who shows you kindness because you’re so convinced we’re all the same. Newsflash: maybe I’m not her. Maybe not everyone is out to get you.”

“GET OUT!” He bellowed. Where the fuck did that come from?

Jenna gasped and froze for a moment. Her eyes widened in recognition and bit her lip to block any impending emotion.

“I SAID GET OUT!”

She scurried away without another word.

What have I done? Fuck, what does it matter? I can't stand to look at her right now, let alone consider her feelings. She's dead to me. A muscle in his neck started throbbing. He groaned and folded his arms and massaged the area in attempts to quell the pain. Gah, will you please not do this, body? If it’s not illness killing me, it’s emotions. Fuck this shit. Fuck it all. Why can’t I go back to not feeling a damn thing at all? Life will be so much easier. I shouldn’t have gotten out of bed today. Everyone has fucked me over the past 10 years anyway. I’m stupid to expect better. All I’m asking for is genuine interest and support. Evidently that is too much to ask of people.

Karen rushed in the room, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Is everything okay, honey?”

No, Mom. My world is fucked up. “Buzz off,” he growled. “I don’t want to talk about it right now and I recommend you leave me alone for a long time.”

She nodded and left the room.

JC sighed. You know what? I don’t want to think, feel or be aware of anything around me. I think I’ll watch some movies and call it a night. A Harry Potter marathon sounds like a great idea right now.

A bout of nausea erupted halfway through the second movie. Unfortunately he didn’t make it to the bathroom and vomited on the carpet. Roy and Karen came in to help him clean up the mess. Roy then guided him up the stairs to his bedroom. That’s it. I’m not getting out of bed tomorrow. That wore me out to the core. The world is conspiring against me anyway.

Pitch black surrounded him hours later. He looked at the clock. 4:10 a.m. That usually means I’ve been out drinking excessively and just got home. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. Damn, I was an asshole to Jenna, wasn’t I? I didn’t give her a chance to explain herself. Tonight might have turned out much differently had I done so.

 Her last glance had a hint of recognition, as if someone had treated her that way before. Maybe her father or an ex-boyfriend. I’d love to give that person a piece of my mind. Jenna’s a gentle soul; I can’t imagine anyone willingly hurting her. Well, that’s what you did, asshole. I didn’t mean to, though. Doesn’t matter. You still hurt her and she may never want to talk to you again. JC grunted and adjusted his position in the bed. You win, disembodied voice. I’m a disgusting human being for bringing those memories to the forefront.

She probably thinks I’m some sort of heartless monster; truth is, I can’t bear the thought of laying my hands on anyone. A man who truly loves his woman would never do that. He grunted as he turned over once again. Why are you bringing the word ‘love’ into the conversation? You feel an attraction towards Jenna, but it’s not love yet. Even so, a decent guy would never consider that option.

JC’s romantic escapades ran the gamut from one night stands to marriage potential and everything in between. Overall, he tried to treat women with the respect they deserved. Of course, he had moments he wasn’t proud of; he was only human after all. Nevertheless, Jenna was right. One relationship had hurt him almost beyond recognition and the aftermath altered his trust of women as romantic partners. The current circumstances elicited a strong sense of déjà vu. He couldn’t bear possibility repeating that time in his life.

He and Eva met at some celebrity gathering ten years ago. She was fresh off a divorce and looking to launch an acting career. He wanted comfort while dealing with an uncooperative record label. Looking back, their affair was based on physical attraction; they both were lonely people looking for company. They had a lot of sex. Somehow, he fell hard for this woman. To this day he didn’t know why. But he did.

Towards the end, Eva drifted away emotionally: she didn’t make eye contact, clammed up when he asked about her day, would show affection for the cameras but would ignore him once an event started or at home. He asked her several times if she was happy with him; she always put on that fake Hollywood smile and said yes. Over time, that answer wore on him and this caused many arguments. She accused him of being insecure and he thought secrets shouldn’t exist between them. One night, he was driving them home from dinner. That day with Jive executives had been particularly frustrating, and traffic was aggravating in itself. So, he was already in a bad mood. Eva told him something trivial; he responded with “Goddammit, Eva!”

“What is wrong with you?”

That proceeded into an argument while he drove 75 mph with four lanes of traffic going each direction. Since he wasn’t paying attention, he swerved into the right lane, causing Eva to hit her head on the window and nearly crashed into the next car. That earned deafening honks from all directions. He immediately apologized and asked if she was okay but she ignored him. Neither one spoke the rest of the way. Once he pulled into her driveway, she slapped his left cheek several times and accused him of trying to kill her.

He knew right then the relationship was over. Not only did he have the guilt of psychically hurting the woman he loved, she punished him viciously. He knew it was the wrong place to respond in that fashion, but emotion had overtaken him. I can still hear the honks and squealing tires. If it had been a few seconds later… Stop it Chasez. That was a different situation. She’s long gone now. Still, he loved her: she was funny, vivacious, outgoing and fit into his looks type. He couldn’t muster up the strength to say the words. However, he didn’t have to as he walked in on Eva and Tony having sex in her bed.

Then a few weeks later, Eva did that infamous interview with Rolling Stone, which drove the stake in his heart further. He vowed to never fall so hard for anyone else again. He had invested all he had into their relationship and she didn’t respect him enough to keep the breakup private. Paparazzi found ways to use her comments against him for months afterward, which added insult to injury.

“For the last time, Derek, I refuse to hurt someone I care about for the sake of money!”

That sounds like she’s being pressured into this situation. It would explain her frequent unease the last few weeks. Bosses breathing down your neck are a pain in the ass and a half. And what does she mean by ‘care about’? That could translate to anything. But let’s say she does have real feelings for you. The last person she would tell is her conniving boss who’s trying to bank in on your pain. Right? He hit his head on the pillow. I’m fucking crazy. I’m getting into arguments with myself.

Now Jenna was sneaking into the depth of his heart in ways few others had. She could read him like a novel and that’s why he’d told her to leave. Because he hated how right she was. He hated how he couldn’t trust women enough to have a deep and intimate bond with them. He desired a love that knew all the edges, didn’t care about the image and still loved him anyway. But that required being vulnerable; too many people had taken advantage of his vulnerability. I refuse to go through that again. I won’t let her get to me.

Her face came to mind once again. You’ve got to be kidding. Way to pull on my heartstrings and guilt trip me again. He groaned. Shame on me for igniting fear in those eyes and making that body tremble in terror. I’m such a piece of shit. All I do is hurt those around me by being sick or expressing anger from the frustration. He snapped his middle finger from his thumb to his wrist. Ah! That surprisingly packs a punch. I wish Jenna could massage this. Shit, it always comes back to her, doesn’t it? Dammit Jenna, why do I care more about hurting you than I do myself? I’m already in way too deep aren’t I? He sighed and looked at his phone. 5:30 a.m. I need rest. I’ll talk to Dad about this when I wake up. That could be anywhere from an hour to 18 hours from now. All I know is I need rest. He inhaled and let the warmth move through his body. After 15 minutes of repeated breathing, slumber overtook him.

“Hey, Josh.”

JC half opened his eyes. Roy was shaking him awake with a concerned look on his face. His eyes were wider than usual, as was his mouth. “You still alive?”

The younger man yawned. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You happen to have this thing called cancer.”

JC smirked. “Heh, thanks for the reminder. Like I don’t already know that.”

“It’s 5:00 p.m., son. Your mom and I have tried to wake you up several times today but you haven’t budged.”

Oh, I don’t blame him for being scared, then. “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“It’s okay, Josh. I just want to make sure you’re functioning. I worry about you, too.” Roy squeezed his hand.

His son smiled wanly. “Thank you. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Wouldn’t miss it for anything.  How was your sleep?”

“I woke up at 4 a.m.”

“Were you sick?”

He shook his head. “No. I was mad at myself.”

“What for?”

“I yelled at Jenna last night, as you may have guessed. I feel like shit about it because she looked terrified of me.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She stopped for a second and her eyes got real big.”

“Let’s backtrack for a second. Why did you tell her to leave?”

“I overheard her talking to someone on the phone. She said that she refused to hurt me for the sake of money.”

“Do you know who this person is?”

“No. My theory is it’s her boss who’s using her to make money off me.”

Roy nodded in understanding.

“She works for a local music magazine as a writer and she’s mentioned that her boss has been a pain in the ass the past few weeks. I’m afraid she might pull an Eva on me, only as the one writing the story, not being interviewed for one.”

“I see. If that’s the case, do you think she’ll write the piece in question?”

JC groaned. “I hope not. But when I think about it, I don’t know her all that well. When she’s here, we talk about MY problems. Which is fine. Still, I’d like to give some of that energy back to her. She makes it hard by shutting down when anything personal comes up.”

“She probably has broken hearts, dreams and relationships like you do. You can’t know everything about the person from the beginning. Otherwise, there’s no room for growth.”

“You’re right. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she’s a new person. On the other side of the coin, a similar situation burned me to ashes in the fire. It’s influenced every relationship since then. So I’m terrified of feeling that pain again, especially with everything else going on.” He coughed.

“Wow! That’s the first time coughing hasn’t led to a catastrophic coughing fit.”

“Now that you mention it, that’s true. Cool.”

“That’s all you have to say? Cool?”

“Dad, I don’t have the energy to do backflips around the room.”

Roy chuckled. “Okay, okay. Back to the subject at hand. It’s not fair to punish those in your future or present for what your past did.”

“Logically I know that, but my heart has a hard time following.”

“I understand. But what if the picture you expect to see isn't the one that's there?”
JC’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”
“You've come to expect mistreatment since you’ve experienced it both professionally and personally. I’m not saying you did this knowingly, but you set a low expectation in your head. So, if someone performed at or below that standard, you wouldn’t get hurt.”

JC bit his lip.  He just nailed it on the head and knows me all too well. “How do you know that?”

“I’ve been your dad for 37 years. I think I know a thing or two about you.” Roy winked.

“She told me the same thing you did. I got angry about what I heard and then she got mad because I made assumptions that might not be true because of said anger. So, I didn’t give her a change to defend or explain herself. Which I should have. I need to apologize to her. I don’t know if she’ll accept it or not.

You never know unless you ask. She’s a special lady, Josh. I don’t think you want this to possibly slip out of your grasp.”

“I don’t either. But I’m afraid that may have already happened.” JC sighed. “Can you get me a little something to eat? Maybe some yogurt or something like that?”

“Sure. I’ll go see what your mom stocked in the fridge.”

JC was able to stomach some yogurt and granola. After that, he took a bath with Epsom salt to ease his aching muscles from lying in bed all day. He dressed in a shirt and boxers and settled in for another night alone.

I really wish Jenna was here. I bet she’s heavenly to cuddle with. I would melt in those arms. Her frame was wider than his, but it didn’t bother him. In fact that lead to comforting hugs as he’d experienced several times. He closed his eyes, picturing how their hands fit together the few times they’d touched. She’d held his hand after taking him to treatment and he didn’t move. She’s been here so much recently that it feels wrong not having her here. Gah, I’d give anything for her to be here right now. I’m such an ass for treating her like I did. She doesn’t owe you any response, you know. She has every right to ignore you if she wants to. He rubbed his left palm in between his thumb and middle finger, trying to recreate her distinctive touch. I know she doesn’t. Still, I didn’t expect to miss someone this much when I barely even know her.

I have to apologize. The guilt is going to eat me alive until I do. He clicked her name in his contact list and waited for a tone. One ring sounded, then two. My hands are shaking. I shouldn’t be this nervous. Rings three and four passed by like the previous two. At last, a voicemail started playing:

“Hi, you’ve reached Jenna’s cell phone. I'm currently unavailable. Please leave me a message and I’ll return your call ASAP. Thank you and have a great day.” (beep)

He sighed. Can’t say I’m surprised. She probably saw it was me and ignored the call. I’ll leave a message anyway.

“Hey Jenna, it’s JC. Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you. Yesterday was an emotional day and what I overheard was the spark that ignited the fire. If you’d still like to explain what’s going on, I’m willing to listen. Or you could completely ignore this call and message. The choice is yours. So, maybe I’ll talk to you soon? I don’t know. Later.”