Chapter 22

“Is a former boyband star hanging by a thread? Brandy Dillard has the story.”

“That’s news to me,” JC muttered. “Never mind that I feel like dying most days. But I’m still here, unless my heart or brain stops functioning.”

A young, plastic looking woman with caked on makeup appeared onscreen. “Thank you, Hannah. Yes, sources close to JC Chasez say his condition has taken a turn for the worse. Chasez was diagnosed with stage one vocal cancer in February. The source, who asked to remain anonymous, says the disease has metastasized into his brain…”

WHAT THE FUCK? This is getting way out of hand. I need to address this without airing my dirty laundry. His neck muscles stiffened again. Breathe, Chasez. It’s not worth losing your mind over. He massaged the area, knowing full well the effort was futile.

“The star has kept a low profile recently. He was last photographed with an unknown brunette on the campus of Norris Hospital near USC June 7. If you ask me, she could stand to lose a few pounds.”

“No one asked your opinion, bitch.” He grumbled. “Jenna’s beautiful and has a heart unlike you.”

“Calls made to Chasez’s manager regarding this story were not returned. We’ll keep you informed with further developments.”

“Fuck you,” He growled as he turned off the TV. “My life belongs to me. Don’t you have more important people to talk about?” At least Eric isn’t pulling an Eva on me. Or maybe he’s so sick of the situation that he wanted to wash his hands clean.  Why can’t people fuck off? I’ve already been humiliated far too many times in my career.

Now, who gave them that bullshit? I hope to God it wasn’t Jenna. Or maybe she refused and that person decided to go with whatever plan they had. Fuck, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. Something to steal my energy and mind away from beating cancer. Fuck my life. I should go back to bed and not deal with this. As if on cue, his phone buzzed. Jenna was calling him back. Wow, she actually called me back. I still owe her an apology, despite what I feel right now.

“Hey Jen.” He answered, attempting to conceal his anger.

“How did you know it was me?”

“Have you heard of caller ID?”

Jenna chuckled. “Oh, dear.”

“Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you…”

She cut him off. “I’m sorry, too. I should’ve kept you informed. You have every right to be mad at me.”

“But so do you. I didn’t give you a chance to explain yourself. That was wrong of me.”

Jenna paused for a second.  “Yeah, that did hurt. You started hurling insults before I could clarify anything. You’ve encouraged me to talk about myself and I was this close to opening up.”

“And I probably fucked up that chance, didn’t I?”

“Not necessarily,” Jenna replied. “I wouldn’t have called you back if I didn’t have any desire to set the record straight. Really though, I should have told you.”

“That’s okay. We’ll talk about it and see what happens next.”

She sighed. “Oh, Joshua.”

“What do you keep saying that for?”

“It’s a phrase I use. I was just noticing how we’re defending each other from ourselves and we’re not even dating yet.”

“Well, good friends do that, right?”

“Right. But who says lovers can’t do it, too?”

Damn this girl is confusing me even more by the day.

She gasped. “Crap, I’m getting too deep here. We need to sort out that dynamic in person.”

‘That dynamic’, huh? The sooner, the better babe. “Can you stop by tonight?”

“I’ll be glad to. Can I text you when I get off, see how things are going by then?”

“Yeah, fine. Hopefully my body will cooperate this time.” He coughed.

“Hopefully so. I’ll let you go, then. See you later.”

“See ya.”

JC groaned after they hung up. Jenna Timbrook, you’ll be the death of me. I wish I knew your middle name so I could curse you that much harder. This will be a long day waiting to hear what she means by that. And now that I’ve heard this newscast… I have more questions than ever. He shook his head. Gah, I need to get out of here. Get out of this house, get away from this hellish life. I want to forget that I’m sick for once and not have this hanging over my head.

A knock sounded at his door. “What?” JC replied curtly.

Karen stepped in. “Hey Josh, you want to go to the beach today?”

“Ummm, why?”

“It’s a nice day out and we all could use a change of scenery. Do you think you feel well enough?”
“I think I could manage an hour, maybe a couple if we’re lucky. I was just thinking I wanted to get out of the house today.”

Karen smiled. “I’m glad to hear that. Do you need help getting dressed?”

JC scrunched his face. I’m a grown ass man, Mom. I think I can handle it.

She laughed. “Okay. I’m overstepping my bounds here.”

“I know a private one we can go to. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.”

His mother nodded. “I understand. We can take those precautions.”

JC and his parents stepped outside about an hour later. Across the street, he noticed a young man with a camera bag on his arm and the camera in his hands.  He shook his head. What a pathetic life you must lead, dude. Lurking behind stranger’s houses for the ‘golden’ picture when all you’re doing is pissing off your subjects. The paparazzo saw JC and lifted his contraption to take a picture. JC gritted his teeth under a fake closed lip smile and cordial wave. Keep your composure. It’s not worth your energy

“You didn’t have to acknowledge him, Josh.” Roy said once the trio settled in his car.

JC shrugged. “It beats the alternative. Some will chase you down the street and curse in your face if you ignore them. So even though I’m pissed as hell, I did my usual thing when I see one.”

“I don’t know how you stay so calm. It took everything I had not to approach that young man,” Karen said.

“Unfortunately I’m used to this. I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to watch my back wherever I go. I shouldn’t have to worry about being harassed when I have every right as everyone else to exist in peace.” He stroked his chin as he spoke. “The beach I’m thinking of is a little ways out of the way. Is that okay?”

Roy nodded. “That’s fine, son. Your peace of mind is priceless. Just give me the directions.”

About an hour later, the trio had arrived in Malibu. JC didn’t go often because of the traffic congestion. The sight was quite welcoming nonetheless. The endless azure sky reigned over the horizon and the white gold sand kissed his feet. The salty breeze caressed his cheeks. The clientele on these beaches were typically much older and wouldn’t care who he was. Nonetheless, he put on his Dodgers baseball cap and sunglasses as a disguise.

He and Karen carried low recliner beach chairs on the sand at the water’s edge.  JC sat down and let the water tease his toes as it ventured on and offshore. I didn’t know how much I needed this until now. This is relaxing.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Josh?” she asked after a few minutes of silence.

He nodded. “I could go to sleep right now. Thank you for suggesting this.”

“You’re welcome. I thought a little sunshine and a nice breeze might do you some good.”

“You guessed right on that one.”

“How are things with Jenna?”

JC shrugged. “We’ll talk about it after she gets off work tonight. I got mad at her because I didn’t like what she said to someone else on the phone.”

“Do you know who that person was?”

“I have a theory. And yes, I did apologize to her,” he added to answer Karen’s questioning expression.

“I wouldn’t mind if you two worked it out.”

He half smiled. “Finally warming up to the idea?”

“I voiced my concerns with her one day while you weren’t in the room. She said she had no intentions of hurting you. That was a few weeks ago, but I would hope it still stands.”

“I told her she doesn’t strike me as a fake. But I’m not the best judge of character.”

“For what it’s worth, I think she’s a keeper. Still, that’s not my decision to make. You two have to work through the circumstances yourselves. It won’t be an easy task, of course.”

JC laughed, the first genuine one in some time. “That’s the understatement of the millennium.”

She squeezed his hand. “I love seeing you smile, sweetie. It’s a wonderful sight.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Mom. I like it, too. Hopefully the universe will give me more reasons to smile.”

“Even if not, try to find the good in each day. You can find it if you look hard enough.”

“I certainly have for today,” he sat back in his beach chair and inhaled more salty air.

Roy bought the family sub sandwiches for lunch. After they were finished, JC said he was ready to go back; he wanted to get some rest in preparation for his and Jenna’s emotional conversation that evening. They arrived back at JC’s place around one or two. He wasn’t paying attention, as he crashed on the down stairs couch in his beach wear.

In the late afternoon, he found himself in his studio downstairs. The room with two boards full of knobs, switches, and buttons that could manipulate or create any section of music. The dusty black microphone stand stood in the booth beyond the glass window above the glass window. The keyboard lived on the opposite wall, next to a worn out leather couch that he hadn’t bothered to replace. No one had visited this studio in years. Back when he was actively singing and producing, many friends and colleagues passed through this space, passing song and lyrics ideas off the other (while sometimes clashing about said ideas), phrases being sung behind the mic and simply enjoying making music. Those memories were mere ghosts now; he knew they existed but doubted he would ever see them again in this life.

Sometimes he unearthed buried feelings and invited them in his mind. I miss that so much. Everything about this process gave me life. It was my lifeblood. Music got me out of bed every morning. We were one with one another. I’d give ANYTHING to have that sense of purpose back. But I never will. It’s gone. Even if I beat cancer, my voice won’t be the same. It won’t have the same power, range and flexibility. I don’t have the strength to fight back right now. I should just give up. Nothing is helping. I should just sit here and fade away to nothingness. No one will notice. No one will care anyway.

Someone knocked at his door. His mind jolted; Wait, I’m still here and need to talk to Jenna. We need to have a heart to heart conversation. He inhaled and sighed.

“Anyone home?”

Apparently I am. He looked up from the keyboard. Jenna stood in the doorway in a teal t-shirt and khaki crops. Her features had a reddish tint and her hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. You look beautiful even when you’re tired. “Hey Jen. Come in.”

She stepped in. “This is where you make music, eh?”

JC grimaced. “Made, actually. This room hasn’t much gotten much action recently.”

“Have you tried writing songs?” She sat down on the brown leather couch against the wall.

She didn’t initiate a hug. That’s a first. He spun his chair around to face her. “I’ve tried to, but the words aren’t there anymore.”

“You must miss it terribly.”

He sighed.  If you only knew what’s been running through my mind. “You have no idea. But that’s not the conversation we’re supposed to have today.”

She cleared her throat as her left leg fidgeted up and down. “You’re right. I’m scared to tell you, though.”

“Why?”

“It might give you the wrong impression of my intentions.”

“Speaking of, why were you so scared of me the other night?”

Jenna scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Well, no one likes being yelled at, JC. What did you expect me to do, smile like a maniac?”

“Of course not. But you looked genuinely afraid for your life. Like someone had done that to you before.”

“Dammit, you can read me all too well,” she muttered

Wonderful. We've arrived again at the forbidden subject.

She cleared her throat again and sat up a little straighter. “I am adopted, as you know. My biological parents were abusive, my father in particular. Getting yelled at and hit for trivial reasons were regular occurrences. The ire in your expression reminded me of him. I figured you never wanted to see me again anyway.”

“Maybe for a split second. Sweetie, I’m so sorry I brought back those memories. I was angry, confused and hurt by what I’d just heard and didn’t know what to think.”

“It’s okay. I know you wouldn’t do what he did.”
“No, I never would. I care about you too much.” Come on Jen, I wish you’d break your walls down some, even if it’s just a smidgen. I’m taking all the hits to the heart here. I still don’t know if you’re interested in me that way.

“So, you’re not mad at me for the other night?”

JC sighed. “Jenna, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if neither of us were willing participants.”

“I’ll get to the point then. My boss, Derek, wants me to write a fabricated expose about you dying from cancer.”

I figured as much. He scooted his chair towards her. “Since when?”

She furrowed her brows in concentration. “The subject came up in passing a several weeks ago. I said ‘no’ and that was the end of the conversation at that point. Now that you ask, I think the pressure intensified after I took you to treatment. And it hasn’t stopped since.”

That bitch on the news said I was last publicly photographed on that day. “Fuck,” he muttered under his breath as his jaw tightened.

Jenna frowned. “Are you mad at me?”

“No. I’m mad at people who won’t mind their damn business.”

“You and me both. I repeatedly said ‘His life isn’t your property to profit from’.  He responded with, ‘You’re only saying that because you’re dating his ass.’ I would reply that my dating life was none of his concern.”

He cleared his throat. “I saw a newscast this morning about me. Did you have anything to do with that?”

Jenna’s eyes widened in horror. “Dammit, he went through with it.  He was pressuring me into having something written by midnight last night. If I didn’t, he said he’d spread a story much worse than what he wanted me to write.” She bit her lip. “He also said if I didn’t make that deadline, he’d fire me. That hasn’t happened yet, but it’s probably imminent.”

He gasped. "No way."

She frowned. “Yeah."

JC sat back in his chair, the magnitude of the stakes dawning on him. My predicament will cost someone their job. Guilt swallowed him; he never wanted to inconvenience her. She’s losing her job because of me. Dammit, I didn’t want her to get hurt. He studied Jenna’s expression: furrowed brows, slightly scrunched up nose and visible dimples. That face can’t lie. She’s being forced into this.  He gulped. "I’m sorry you’re in that position right now.”

She shrugged. “Don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine. Why did that argument upset you?”

There she goes deflecting it off herself again. “I suspected it might be something like this. It’s not my first encounter with this kind of thing.”

“What do you mean?”

JC took a long swing of water before answering. “Eva, one of my exes, sold me out once. She said in an interview with Rolling Stone that I was inadequate and she’d had better sex with her vibrator.”

Jenna gasped. “She did not!”

He frowned. “I wish I was joking. She’d never indicated anything of the sort to my face nor did she have the decency to keep our breakup private.” He sighed. “It’s still a sore spot. So, I freaked out after overhearing that conversation. I’m sorry; I should have told you.”

Jenna laced her hands with his. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my situation. I was trying to protect you and us.”

Us? She must care at least somewhat. Her hands are so gentle. “I appreciate you coming clean. Are you going to help your boss spread more lies?”

She scowled. “Hell no. I refuse to hurt someone who’s an important person in my life just for the sake of money. Not to mention the headache that goes along with today’s nosey media culture.”
He sighed. “But I don’t want you to lose your job, either.”

She shook her head. “It wouldn’t be your fault; my boss is a money hungry asshole. I’ll take what we have over that any day.”

He raised his eyebrow. “What you do you mean ‘we’?”