That can’t be right. I don’t have cancer. No, I don’t. I don’t need another stressor. JC had been thinking some form of this on the way home from Dr. Reed’s office. God’s not that cruel, is he? I’m already in shambles emotionally. He couldn’t lose music; it would ruin him. Knowing he couldn’t do the one thing that could comfort him in tragedy would be unbearable. He wouldn’t know who he was anymore. But you don’t know that yet. It could just be strep throat. Intuition told him otherwise. He wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if the mass was cancer. It’d be another dagger in his heart and maybe the final nail in the coffin on his will to live.

The phone buzz snapped him out of his stupor. Not now, dammit. I don’t want to listen to you. Still, he looked and noticed it was Jenna’s number. Oh, it’s her. I thought it was that bastard calling to berate me again. She has perfect timing. He picked up his phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Jenna. How are you?”
“I’m doing alright.” He replied. “And yourself?”
“Not too shabby. So, is that lunch still up for grabs?”
JC smiled. Jenna was interested. He was glad to hear from her; it would be nice to see someone he could stand being around and enjoy their company. “Of course. When’s good for you?”
“Friday afternoon okay? I have an interview at 11 but should be done after few hours.”
“I have an appointment at 10 but the afternoon’s free.” He didn’t need to tell her what type of appointment it was.
“How about 1:30? I’ll call or text if that changes.”
“Sounds good. See you then?”
“Absolutely. Have a good night.”
“You do the same.” They hung up.

That went well. The vibe was strictly professional, with no indication of friendship or romantic undertones. Yet, she must be somewhat interested in reconnecting since she initiated the phone call. Either way, it would be a nice change. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a meal alone with a woman; he missed having a gorgeous sight to look at. He hadn’t had much female company outside of his friends’ girlfriends and his mother and sister. Regardless, he had something to look forward to after that dreaded scope. He doubted he'd tell her anything about that. They were just getting to know each other again; that kind of talk was reserved for emotional investment.

--

JC awoke Friday morning with stuff muscles that refused to move. He didn’t want to get this scope done. He hated doing to the doctor and getting poked at. Hell, once he’d thought an ear thermometer was a needle while on tour overseas in NSYNC’s early days. The guys never let him live that one down. Not that he minded; it was pretty silly. He smiled at the memory. How he wished he could go back to a simple time like that. Sadly, he had more imminent priorities.

He arrived at the doctor’s office a quarter before ten. He hoped this wouldn’t take too long; he’d been instructed not to eat or drink and his throat was scratchy and dry. He put on his Baltimore Orioles cap and sunglasses as a disguise, but he didn’t think he’d get recognized. Still, he didn’t want attention today. He checked in and sat down in the waiting room. Most of the clientele were graying and a median age of 60. Definitely not the target demographic here.

His nerves were shot; the results of this test would change the course of his life. If the spot was benign, he could breathe a sigh of relief. On the other hand, it could be cancer and derail him further emotionally. He felt severely nauseous; he had a hunch the lesion was cancerous. And he’d always been right when he got strong inklings like this. Still, his heart didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want to lose his self-identity. God couldn’t be that brutal. Not the all-knowing, all loving God he’d grown up to respect and love? God, I haven’t prayed for years and I’m sorry. All I ask is that you help me. Help me stay calm and trust that you have a plan for me.
“Joshua Chasez” The nurse pronounced his last name like “Cha-say”
In Your name I pray, Amen. JC didn’t even get annoyed at the mispronunciation. He’d heard numerous ones over the years. He stood up and followed her back to one of the exam rooms.

The nurse, Colleen, introduced herself in a curt tone. She was the nurse assisting Dr. Franklin in the procedure. She took introductory information with no indication of friendliness. I’d feel slightly better about this if you were a little nicer. Hopefully Dr. Franklin is nicer than she is. Then she explained the procedure: JC had to drink a numbing agent that would cease feeling in his throat for a short time. Then the doctor would insert a thin camera tube down the esophagus to where the vocal folds were. He’d take a sample and the procedure would be over.

A middle aged yet fit man entered the room a moment later. “You must be Joshua,” He said, extending his hand. “I’m Gavin Franklin, your physician for the day.”
JC shook it. “Pleasure, sir. You can call me JC. Everyone else does.”
“Ah, that’s easy to remember. Just like I remember seeing your face plastered on the walls of my daughter’s bedroom about 15 years ago.”
JC chuckled. “I’m sure she wasn’t the only one.”
Dr. Franklin nodded. “Frankly, I like your voice, too. I’m going to do my best to make sure it’s not damaged.”
The singer smiled sadly. He liked this guy and trusted him now. “Thank you. Are you ready to have me?”
The elder man gestured to the door. “Follow me, if you please.”

JC arrived in another exam room with a gray medical reclining chair and various instruments for the procedure. He spotted a sharp hook-like object next to a slim silver tube. He cringed inwardly at the sight of the hook. A metal tool in your throat that scraped off a piece of your skin. Even with the numbing agent, he didn’t feel comfortable about this. Also, he didn’t like the idea of his throat temporarily paralyzed. But he knew this scope was necessary for his health, so he had to suck it up. He sat down in the chair.
“Fair warning: this stuff will taste extremely bitter. It should last only a moment or so.” Colleen gave JC a cup of clear liquid.
“Will it wear off quickly?” He asked quietly.
“This concoction should last up to a half hour.” The nurse replied indifferently.
Thanks for not easing my mind. “Well, cheers then.” He raised the glass slightly and gulped the solution. That was a mistake. The bitterness overtook his system and almost triggered another coughing attack. And not even 30 seconds later, his throat was numb. The lack of sensation scared him.
“Don’t worry, JC,” Dr. Franklin said while putting on his latex gloves. “This won’t take long. I’ll make it as painless as possible.”
JC nodded and took a deep breath. Breathe in, Chasez. It’ll be alright.
“First, we’ll just use the camera to see what this lesion looks like. That’ll give me an idea of how much skin to take off. Relax and hold still. Open wide.”
Please, God. Be with me now. JC opened his mouth.
Dr. Franklin maneuvered the thin camera down his throat where the vocal folds resided. He frowned. “You have a tumor in there. There’s no doubt about it.”
I don’t know if I want to see it. The screen where the images projects faced away from him so the spot was concealed. I hope it’s not big.
“It looks about a centimeter in size. I don’t know how deeply ingrained it is; test results will reveal that information. Time to get samples.” Dr. Franklin retracted the camera and reached for the shiny metal prick. “You doing okay?”
The patient nodded whole clenching his fists to the chair.
“Okay. You’ll need to hold real still because I’ll have both the camera and this tool in a small space. I don’t want to cause any additional injury.” The doctor then reached down with the camera and prick. Then he scraped off a piece of the tumor and took the tools out. JC was extremely relieved. The procedure was over and he could already notice feeling coming back in his throat.
Dr. Franklin placed the sample in a little dish. “We’ll send this off to testing. It should take about a week to get the full results.”
“What you think it is?” JC asked.
“I think its cancer. Not terribly advanced but it looks like other cancers I’ve seen. I won’t make an official diagnosis until I have the results. I wouldn’t be surprised.”
JC sighed and didn’t respond.
“I hope that’s not the case either, but I’m not going to bullshit you. That’s not my job. I’m supposed to give you the facts with some empathy. Then we figure out the best option together. Sound good?”
The younger man smiled slightly. I’m in good hands. He’ll help me the best he can.
“I’ll see you in a week or so.” The doctor extended his hand.
JC shook it. “Thanks, doctor. I appreciate it.”
“You can call me Gavin if you like. I don’t like to use a title if I don’t have to.”
JC chuckled. I need to get my mind off this ASAP. “Okay, Gavin. I’ll see you.”

At least now I get to see Jenna, JC thought as he got in the car. He longed for a female companion at times. Someone to sooth his inflamed nerves. A warm body to lie next to at night. Hold up, you're just having a meal with her. Let’s not get to the physical stuff so quick. He knew part of that was his sexual frustration and loneliness talking. He'd been single for a few years now; he missed that kind of presence in his life. Either way, he wanted to see her again. He enjoyed their conversations about his music and the industry in general. He thought they were intellectual equals.

He pulled up to Dario’s, a funky lunch joint on the artsy side of town a few hours later. JC had never been there, but Jenna had suggested it and it sounded good. He saw her getting out of her car a few spaces down. She had on chocolate slacks to match her hair and a fuchsia blouse. She was taller than he remembered; he reckoned she was his height. Her locks flowed easily around her shoulders. She was pretty without even trying.
She flashed a white smile his way. “Hey JC. How’s it going?”
“I’m still breathing. How are you?”
“Good.” They hugged quickly. That felt good. I need that more often.
“So, what’s good here?”
“I’m partial to the seafood chowder. It’s unlike anything else I’ve ever had. This place is out of the way for me, but it’s worth it just for that.”
“Ah, I see” JC pulled out her chair for her. “Oh, thanks. It’s been awhile since a man’s done that for me.”
“You’re welcome.” They both sat down.
“Are you working with Eric still?”
JC groaned. “Sadly, yes.”
“Why?”
“I’m too nice to kick out people who hurt me.”
Jenna smiled knowingly. “I see. He was maddening to deal with. Eventually management made me do it all the time because no one else wanted to. He tried to flirt with me, which didn’t work. He was promoting himself, not you.”
The thought of Eric romancing Jenna made JC sick to his stomach. But why? They had barely started to get to know each other again. It wasn’t as if he wanted to date her. “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. That’s his personality.”
“I want nothing to do with him. So as long as just we go out, we’re cool.”
“Trust me; we don’t hang out all that much. Really, I should tell him to get the hell out of my life because it doesn’t benefit either of us.”
Jenna frowned. “Maybe he likes to one up people and brag about his fortune to make himself feel better.”
“Exactly. He doesn’t care about me. And yet he doesn’t realize that he’s part of the reason my career is the way it is. Maybe without him, the Jive executives wouldn’t have backstabbed me so much.”
“I worked there for two years. Anyone they deemed not useful, they treated them like second class citizens. They had sticks so far up their asses they couldn’t see your talent.”
JC chuckled. “I suppose. I shouldn’t even care. That was, what? Five years ago or something like that? It’s behind me.”
Jenna took a sip of water before responding. “Those people shattered your dreams. They hurt you twice and made you doubt yourself and who you are. It’s not easy to forgive someone who does that.”
Dammit, Jenna. How did you nail that right on the head? “It does. I struggle with confidence even now. It left a permanent scar. And I hate it because I love singing. I love performing and communicating with an audience through my writing. I love the thought of inspiring someone through one of my songs. People said not to let those idiots influence me. But when higher ups threw part of my soul back in my face twice, I took it personally.” He shrugged.
“As you should. I didn’t want to be in the room that day.” Jenna replied. “Jenkins caught on to our friendship and I think he wanted to embarrass us both.”
“I remember you were writing notes that day. What was it, if you doing mind me asking?”
“I don’t remember, to be honest. I wanted to look busy while not watching you getting humiliated in front of all the company bigwigs.”
Wow, she must have cared at least somewhat to do that. It never was anything past business friendship. Their gazes met. Her lips upturned into a slight smile. Yet he could see sadness and concern in her eyes.
“And I ran after you because I wanted you to know that I actually cared and I wasn’t putting on an act.” She continued.
JC shook his head. “I’ve been in this business awhile. I can tell when someone is putting on an act.” Especially dating wise. They all do. “You don’t strike me as the fake type.”
Jenna blushed slightly. “And I still do care. It makes me sad you’ve left music behind. You’re a truly talented being. I wish you knew that. I was drawn by your passion for your work. You really believed in the story and wanted to tell it on your own terms.”
I wish I still had it. Because I was happy then. I knew my purpose on this earth. Now I don’t have one. “I appreciate it, Jenna. But I don’t see that spark being revived anytime soon.”
“Why?”
Where do I even start? She doesn’t need to know I have an impending cancer diagnosis on my hands. “I’ve had a rough time emotionally recently. Let’s just leave it at that.”
She nodded. “I know what’s that’s like. You got my number. I’ll help you when I can.”
Something about her demeanor cracked his lofty walls around his heart. Maybe, just maybe she’s different. Like I said, she doesn’t strike me as a fake. Maybe there was a reason Jenna was put back in his life. Anyway, he enjoyed her company and he wanted her around more often. He smiled. “Thanks. I haven’t heard that often recently.”
“I’ll follow through, I promise.” JC found he couldn’t take his eyes away from hers. Indeed, maybe there was a reason she was here.