Chapter 7
The next week was excruciating. His thoughts switched between hope that the results wouldn’t be worst case scenario and resignation to the disease and that some higher power hated him. He didn’t want to believe that; he believed that people and this world were good at the core. But the recent chain of events challenged that notion. The coughing spells remained the same for the most part, save one time when he woke up in the middle of night and couldn’t stop for almost five minutes. Whatever this disease was, he wanted to start treatment soon. He didn’t want to live in constant stress mode about these attacks.
He and Jenna hadn’t seen each other since their lunch, but texted almost every day. He’d forgotten how good it felt to hear from someone he liked. Most of his recent correspondences elicited groans and irritation. He read her messages with a smile on his face. He told her he had been ill recently but left it at that. Now wasn’t the time to start a romantic relationship. He could potentially start cancer treatments soon and he didn’t want her to get invested and get hurt, in the occurrence something might happen to him.
Regardless, his heart beat a mile a minute when he stepped into that doctor’s office. He wanted to know and get it over with. At least now he would know what adversary he had to face, unlike the unknown depression haunting him the past few months. He could actually put a name to his troubles and have a plan of attack to overcome it. On the other hand, the idea of having cancer scared the living hell out of him. The disease wasn’t an automatic death sentence like it used to be, but it couldn’t be taken lightly.
Colleen called his name a few minutes later. He took a deep breath and followed her. His stomach was in knots and he could vomit from the nerves. It was the moment of truth. His fate rested in the hands of the test results. Colleen went over the reason he was there in a curt tone and took his vital signs, all of which were normal. I wish she was nicer. I’d feel a little better about this whole thing. The nurse reminded him of a bitter old teacher he had in third grade. At least Dr. Franklin is nice and personable.
A few moments later, Gavin entered the exam room, “How are you, JC?” he asked, shaking his hand.
“Nervous. And I want to know what’s wrong with me. I’ve been agonizing all week.”
The doctor nodded. “I understand. Well, it’s not good news but it could be so much worse.”
What does he mean by that? “Do I have cancer?”
“Yes, I’m sorry to say. But on the bright side, it’s not advanced. Here, I’ll show you on the scans from last week.” Dr. Franklin took out two slides out from an envelope and put them up on a lighted board. “What you have is stage 1, T1, N0, M0 Laryngeal cancer .”
JC stared at him blankly. That could be an alien language for all he knew.
“Of course that means nothing to you unless I explain it. The larynx is the whole voice box in your throat. The tumor is located on the glottis which is here,” He pointed to the ring around the vocal folds. “T1 means that the tumor is there but not interrupting your cords’ movement. N0 means the cancer hasn’t spread to any lymph nodes in that area. And M0 means it hasn’t metastasized to anywhere else in the body. So it’s only in one place.”
Well, okay. But it’s still cancer.
“I know what you’re thinking. It is still cancer and we need to keep that in mind. I’d recommend surgery as the most direct course of action. Hopefully, removing that will take care of the problem. However, remnants of the cancer could still linger. Therefore, I’ll probably put you on a round of chemotherapy or radiation to further eradicate it.”
“Will there be any side effects from those treatments?”
“Most of the time, patients experience nausea, vomiting and some hair loss.” Dr. Franklin replied. It seems like a lot for one tiny tumor but, in my opinion, it would be worth it. Because if you leave this tumor alone, it will grow and fast. Then it could actually impact your cords and give you more problems down the road.”
“Would there be damage to my cords in either my surgery or the treatment?”
Gavin sighed. “Unfortunately, there’s a possibility that your vocal cords could be irrepealably damaged, thus inhibiting your ability to talk or sing. It’s not a sure bet, but most patients I’ve seen have damage.”
JC’s heart shattered. You mean I could never sing again? You’re kidding. That’s not possible. He cleared his throat. “I hope that doesn’t happen. I’ve been singing over 20 years. It’s an integral part of who I am. If I don’t have that, I’m nothing.”
The doctor smiled sadly. “I don’t want it to, either JC. I know what that’s like; losing your identity because you can’t do something you love. I’ll do my best to make sure it doesn’t; however, I have to be honest about the risks that come with both the disease and treatment.”
Might as well go for it. What other choice do I have? “I know. Still makes it hard to swallow, though.” JC cleared his throat, trying to stay focused. “So, when can I get into surgery?”
“I have several lined up next week, but I think I have a cancellation a week from Monday. Let me check,” Gavin searched through his iPad for a moment. “I do. In the morning at 8. Would that be okay?”
“Go ahead. I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“You could ignore it. Decide the risk versus reward isn’t worth it.”
JC snorted. “I think knowing I have cancer and choosing not to treat it is the worst thing I could do right now, physically and emotionally.”
Gavin nodded. “So I’ll see you a week from Monday?”
The patient shook his hand. “Indeed you will. Thanks for the explanation.”
“I always want to make sure my patients know what is going on in their bodies. Cancer is scary but maybe not as much so while armed with information.”
JC nodded. “I’ll see you then, Gavin.”
“Take care, JC.”
JC left the office a few moments later with a heavy heart. I have cancer and I could possibly lose my voice. Wow, the universe is cruel and must hate me. God, why are you doing this to me? Wetness appeared behind his eyes. Dammit, not now. At least wait until no one can see. He took a deep breath to steady himself. I need an answer. Why is this happening? Only silence replied. He groaned. Figured as much. I’m more alone than I thought.
Anguish overtook his system as he got into the driver’s seat. He couldn’t bring himself to put the key in the ignition. That meant dealing with life in this new reality and he wasn’t ready for that. Parallel tears escaped down his cheeks. Can’t I at least get home before doing that? But his emotions had other ideas. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried. Thank God for tinted windows. I don’t want anyone to see me right now. He sighed, trying to wipe away the tears. How could he have been so stupid to take his gift for granted? Why did he let others ruin his confidence? Now he could possibly never sing again. The one thing he had to comfort him in the tough times was gone. He had nothing. Nothing. His identity had been shattered. For 20 years he’d been a performer at heart, despite other’s disbelief. Who was he now? A pathetic nobody who has nothing to live for. He laid his head back on the headrest and cried.
After a few moments, the water stopped. I guess I am alive if I can cry like I just did. In a way, it was relief to cry. He’d been harboring a flood of negative feelings inside and this diagnosis finally brought them out. Despite Dr. Franklin’s upbeat outlook, JC felt hopeless. He didn’t understand why this was happening. How could he tell anyone? That would make it final, uttering the news to another. He knew his family would fly immediately to be at his side, but what about friends? Matt, he could easily. Eric? He’d probably hold off on because he would bring pointless drama. Jenna? He wasn’t sure. Withholding that information from her would be lying but he wasn’t sure he wanted her to see him so vulnerable. He also wanted to tell his NSYNC comrades but he wasn’t sure they’d do much beyond. They had a brotherhood 10 years ago, but did it exist now? Maybe not.
Come on, you need to get home. JC wiped his eyes and blew his nose with a tissue. I suppose I’m ready for you now, cancer. He put the key in the ignition, starting both the car and his life as a cancer patient.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Story is for entertainment only and I own only original characters.
Thank you all for reading this story and reviewing. It's been a good outlet for me and it makes me happy y'all are taking time to read it.
Story Tags: postsync jc cancer tearjerker
