January 2010

“Dylan, you forgot to finish the back of the test,” Miss Mathis pointed out to Dylan before recess. “Did you know there were more problems on the other side of the page?”

Dylan looked at her teacher and shrugged. She was staying with her mother until her father flew back from Los Angeles the next day and the night before, Seth had scolded her for going into his office without him knowing. She had had no idea. At her dad’s house, Dylan was allowed to go and play computer games in her father’s office and she had just assumed it would be that way where her mother was living. It had thrown her off all day at school and now she was reaping the consequences.

“I-I forgot,” Dylan looked down at her feet. “I’m sorry, Miss Mathis.”

“Dylan, is your daddy gone again?” Miss Mathis looked at her sympathetically and touched her arm.

“He’s coming back tomorrow,” Dylan mumbled, still looking at her feet.

“Did something happen at your house last night?” Miss Mathis’ voice was close to a whisper. “You can tell me, sweetie.”

“No,” Dylan shook her head then bit her lip. “Well, my mom’s boyfriend got on to me for going into his office. And he was really mad.”

Miss Mathis raised her eyebrow. “He didn’t hurt you, did he Dylan?”

“No,” Dylan answered truthfully. “He’s just mean. He always pretends to like me in front of my mom but I know he doesn’t.”

“And your dad will be back soon, won’t he?” the teacher prodded.

“Tomorrow,” Dylan said. “I miss him.”

“I know you do, Dylan,” Miss Mathis nodded and looked back at the test. “Tell you what. You finish this at recess and next time, just remember to turn your test over, okay?” She smiled at Dylan reassuringly and Dylan only nodded, taking her test and walking back to her seat.

“What happened?” Briahna asked her as they walked from the classroom to the playground.

“I have to finish my math test at recess. I forgot to turn it over,” Dylan answered.

“Ok. I’ll save you a spot in kickball,” Briahna promised her.

“Thanks,” Dylan smiled at her best friend. “Can I spend the night tonight? I don’t want to go to Seth’s house.”

“Yeah!” Briahna replied, excitedly. “We can ask my mom after dance class today!”

Dylan nodded happily and followed the class out to the playground. She had only been at Seth’s for the weekend and she was already miserable. She knew her father would be back tomorrow-Tuesday-but it still seemed like a lifetime away for her. She sat down on a bench near the kickball field and began to work on the rest of her test.

Becca sat in the kitchen and looked out over Seth’s backyard. She sipped her coffee and even though she knew she should be looking through last minute wedding preparations –the wedding was in a month after all- she just didn’t feel up to it for some reason. She’d had to intervene the night before when Seth had yelled at Dylan for going into the office. Seth had apologized and said it was because he wasn’t used to other people going in there, but Becca had argued with him that Dylan was eight and all she was doing was playing a computer game. She knew it had upset her child and tried to console her when she’d tucked her in, but it was hopeless. Dylan had only asked Becca when Josh was coming back. It broke Becca’s heart because throughout all of this, she knew that Dylan was reaching out to Josh more and more. Becca had become the “bad” parent or so she felt. And then, that morning before Seth had left for Universal, where he was working on a project, he’d told Becca that when Dylan was old enough, they might think about putting her in boarding school in Connecticut.

“Boarding school?!” Becca had responded, very shocked. “Seth, I’m not putting my daughter in boarding school. I know for a fact her father would kill us both!”

“Sweetheart, I went to boarding school. It’s a great place for an education. And she would benefit so much for it. She’d get into any college she wanted-“

“Absolutely not,” Becca had snapped. “This isn’t even a conversation worth having because we’re not doing that.”

Seth had glowered at her and gone back to the bedroom. She heard him getting his things together before coming back into the living room. He didn’t say anything, only went to the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee in a thermos and then walked back into the living room to face her. “All I’m saying is that it is something to think about. Dylan needs to be more independent. She relies far too heavily on you and Josh and-“

“She’s eight years old, Seth! This is ridiculous! No. I’m sorry. We’re not doing that to her,” Becca had stood up and left the room. She heard Seth close the garage door and hadn’t heard from him since and that had been at least three hours ago.

So here she sat, sipping on her coffee and pondering the last two years with him because she knew that she loved him and that the wedding was just four weeks away. And she had to stop having these doubts she was suddenly having because it was only messing with everything. Fine, she could justify Dylan going into his office. Seth wasn’t used to that. She could justify Dylan’s relationship with him and tell herself that eventually, Dylan would come around and learn to like Seth. But she couldn’t justify the whole boarding school conversation. She couldn’t even believe that was a conversation they were having at all. It was one thing that Seth had gone there, but she also knew that Seth hated his parents and they had no relationship at all. She wondered if boarding school had been a predecessor for that. And at the rate she was going with her daughter right now, that’s all she needed was to send Dylan off somewhere and have her hate her mother for the rest of her life. But it wasn’t going to happen. Josh would make sure of that. She could almost hear his reaction if she ever told him that she and Seth were sending Dylan off to boarding school.

“Are you crazy?!” he would say, and his blue eyes would shoot darts into hers.

Becca sat back in her chair and looked down at her coffee mug. She thought back to when Dylan was younger, when she and Josh had managed to stay together for that short time. For a while, even for a little while, life had seemed perfect. Those three months together in that house were bliss because they were an actual family. And now she and Josh could barely talk to one another without fighting. Why was she surprised? It was what they did best. Fighting and lovemaking. And that’s when she admitted silently to herself that it had never been as good with anyone else than it had with Josh. She remembered that one night when he’d told her it would always be her. And she had told him the same. But now it was done. It was over. There was nothing left. He’d been the one to sleep with someone else and ruined everything. Becca stood and went to put her mug in the dishwasher, and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the window by the sink. She was older. She wasn’t that 22-year-old girl she’d been when she and Josh had first met. That girl was gone and Becca knew that everything else had gone with her. Her stomach churned when she thought back to all of those years back and forth with him. Most of her adult life had been spent with Josh Chasez and she couldn’t erase that, as much as she wanted to do it.

Her cell phone rang and she broke from her trance to retrieve it off the kitchen table. It was almost as if Josh had read her mind because it was his number flashing on the screen.

“Hey,” she answered, sitting back down at the table.

“Hey,”

“What’s up?”

“Not much. I’m picking up Dylan tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah. She’s already been asking for you,”

“Sweet. How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Becca suddenly felt as if she were having a conversation with an old friend. “Tired. Busy. Lots of stuff going on.”

“Yeah,” his voice was soft. “Yeah, you’re getting married in a month. Crazy.”

“I know,”

“You sound upset,”

He could read her like a book. She could be hundreds of miles away on another coast and he could hear in her voice that she wasn’t herself right now.

“It’s just been a long day,”

“I’m sorry. Well, I’ll be back tomorrow and maybe taking Dylan will get you back in the mindset you need to be in,”

“I hate this,” she heard herself saying.

“You hate what?”

“I hate that we’re doing this to her,”

“It’s what has to happen, Becca. Lots of parents do this who aren’t together,”

Becca suddenly felt herself tearing up and she didn’t know why. And then she let the tears fall and Josh heard her sniffing into the phone.

“Becca, what’s wrong? You know that this is what had to happen eventually. We’re at least sharing her. We’re at least –“

“Why did you have to cheat on me?” she was crying now and didn’t try to hide it. “Josh, we were so good together. Why did you do it? We wouldn’t have had to split her up. She hates me, Josh. She literally can’t stand to be here right now. And Seth got mad at her last night and she was so upset. All she wanted was you. So now I’m the bad guy in this whole shitty mess and you get to be the good guy when you’re the one who fucked it up in the first place!” Her breathing was unsteady and she couldn’t control her sobs any longer. He was silent, letting her get it out and not speaking.

“Becca,” he finally spoke. “You’re not the bad guy. And I know I’m the one who messed up. I regret it every single day. Do you know why I don’t have anyone right now? It’s because I’m still in love with you and it wouldn’t be fair to-“

“Don’t tell me that!” she raised her voice to him. “Don’t tell me you still love me! I can’t hear that right now.”

“Well, it’s true. You’ve always been the one, Becca. I can’t say I’m sorry enough because it would never do. If I could take it all back I would,”

She said nothing, only wiped away her tears and wondered where all of this had come from? Had she been holding this in for so long that it was finally time to release it?

“Are you there?” he asked, quietly.

“Yeah,” she sniffed. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from. I’m just…going through the last minute jitters or something I guess.”

“I guess,”

“Maybe when you get back we can take her to dinner. Or something,”

“Maybe,” Josh said, not offering anything else. He paused, then, “Becca, are you sure you want to marry him?”

“Yes,” she answered, almost automatically. “I’m not messing this up for myself.”

“Then I won’t say any more about it,” Josh promised her. “But, hey, look at us. We didn’t even get into a fight this time.”

Becca had to chuckle. “Yeah. You’re right,”

“I’ll see you later this week, then?”

“Uh huh. ‘Bye, Josh,”

“’Bye,”

Becca hit “END” and put the phone down, still not feeling any better or reassured. If anything, that conversation had only made her feel worse. She hated to admit it, but he knew her better than anyone else and talking to him was like talking to an old friend, which, if anything, that’s more or less what he was now.

Kelly spotted Becca at the opposite end of the dance studio later that afternoon. She waved her over and Becca smiled at her friend and walked over to her.

“Hey, Briahna wants to know if Dylan can spend the night tonight? It’s fine with me, but-“ Kelly stopped when she saw Becca’s face fall and then shook her head. “Nevermind, I don’t want to step on any toes or anything.”

“No, it’s not that,” Becca shook her head. “Normally, it would be fine. But I want her home with me tonight. We’ve had a rough couple of days.”

“What’s wrong?” Kelly sat down on a bench that faced the girls’ dance studio room. Becca sat next to her.

“Dylan and Seth got into a little fight last night. It was nothing big, I guess, but it definitely made Dylan upset. All she’s been asking for is Josh and he doesn’t get home til tomorrow. And, I don’t know, I feel like I’ve been having last minute wedding jitters or something,” Becca sighed. “I broke down on the phone today with Josh about it and-“

“Wait, you talked to Josh about your wedding?” Kelly interrupted her.

“No. I just kind of told him that I was nervous. That was all,” Becca conveniently forgot to add the parts about her bemoaning their whole relationship and wishing Josh had never cheated on her.

“Did you fight about it?” Kelly knew all too well the fights that Josh and Becca could get into over Dylan or, really, over anything.

“Surprisingly, no,” Becca said. She looked at Kelly and bit her lower lip. “I don’t know what my deal is, but I kind of missed him today. It’s stupid. I’m engaged and I love Seth, but I just…I don’t know.”

“It’s hard to forget someone who’s been a part of your life for so long,” Kelly replied. “Do you think you still love Josh?”

Her question shocked Becca and she had to take a moment to think on that. Did she? He’d certainly given her enough reasons to hate him forever. “I think he’ll always have some piece of my heart. I mean, look at Dylan. She’s nearly the spitting image of him. No denying where she came from, that’s for sure. So every time I look at her, I see him.”

“But do you still love him?” Kelly asked her again.

Becca couldn’t answer because she didn’t know how. Her first instinct was to tell Kelly that she did. She would always love Josh. But it was different than loving Seth and that’s what made it hard to know how to respond.

“I think you should probably find out that answer before you walk down the aisle in a month,” Kelly told her, patting Becca’s leg. “No sense in you having to pay for a divorce in two years.”