He’d always prided himself in being responsible. That was one thing he could do well. He was the one that everyone looked to for schedules and appointments to be met. He was the one that was on time and efficient with whatever was handed to him. But he’d failed here. And now he was going to be a father during one of the busiest times of his career. It had taken him a few days to get used to the idea. It had also taken Becca a few days before she’d even speak to him again and the rest of his time in L.A. had been spent trying to get her to accept his apology for being what he could only deem as the world’s biggest douche bag. Josh knew Becca wasn’t cheating on him, but being away from her and then seeing her with Nick just made his blood boil. It didn’t matter. She was having his baby, not Nick’s.

They were both told by their managers to keep the baby quiet until everyone could figure out what to do. Writers for Sarah had thought of several ways for Becca’s character to end up pregnant by the season’s end or hide her with oversized sweatshirts, behind sets, or film her from the chest up. By the time the season finale would be shown, the baby would be a month old and it wouldn’t matter. They had about three weeks to decide how it would be written in, if in fact the pregnancy would be written in at all.

“Can you come out to Phoenix this weekend?” Josh asked her over the phone a few weeks later. He was lying on the bed in his hotel room and had thought of nothing else but how they would make this work now. It wasn’t just the producers and the managers and everyone in Hollywood that had been concerned. Josh was extremely concerned for both of them. He wanted nothing more than to make it work and be a real family. It was impossible now for them to stop what they were doing, he knew that, but somehow he was going to make it where they saw each other as much as possible during the pregnancy.

Becca had been curled up on the couch battling nausea yet again. It was her only day off from filming and she had been spending it at home, a trashcan next to her, the TV on Lifetime, and copious amounts of Sprite and crackers on the coffee table to ease the nausea. Her mother had phoned and told her that it was quite normal for her to be this sick in the first few weeks, but Becca was over it. It was miserable to be stuck at home by herself. As much as she still wanted to be mad at Josh, it was hard when he was the father of this baby and the emotional attachment she had for him had grown even more.

“I think so,” Becca replied, sipping on her Sprite. “I have to check and see what filming is like, but I think I can manage it.”

“Ok. Just let me know. Are you feeling okay?” Josh asked for the millionth time that phone call.

“I already told you. I’m nauseous and resting,” Becca sighed and was glad he couldn’t see her rolling her eyes. He was worried and concerned and apologetic for how things had been a few weeks ago, but it was starting to annoy her. In fact, a lot of things about him had started to annoy her. She couldn’t stop thinking of how many times he’d accused her of having an affair with Nick Carter. It had almost felt as though Nick was a third part of their relationship because of how much Josh had brought it up in the past. She hadn’t dared to mention this to Nick, who probably would have laughed it off. She didn’t see what Josh thought he saw. She knew the last thing on Nick’s mind was being with her.

“Let me know if you can make it out to Phoenix, okay?” Josh had sensed the irritation and backed off a little. He wanted to make it right and pestering her wasn’t going to help. Becca would do what she wanted to do.

“I will,” Becca sipped on her Sprite again. “I saw your interview on Oprah. You looked hot.” She figured it would only help in the growing tension she’d felt toward her boyfriend to let him know she still thought he was the sexiest man on the planet. “You should wear that denim jacket next time I see you, okay?”

Josh chuckled into the phone, his breath steadier now. Her tone was softer and not as edgy and cold. Maybe she was easing up a little. “Oh yeah? Thanks. She asked about you during the commercial break. By the way, Lance talked to Rosie last night. She wants you to come and do the show with us next month. A Christmas episode or something.”

“Well, that depends. I’ll be almost four months and I’m not getting any smaller,” Becca reminded him. She was reminding herself as well. Pretty soon, they’d have to spill the beans about the pregnancy.

“I’m sure by then it’ll be old news,” Josh answered, trying not to think about how it would go over with the press and especially the fans. Some of their fans had been down right cruel to Becca when the news broke that she and Josh were dating. She’d received hate mail, several “boos” when spotted with him at publicity events, and a finger or two from two overzealous fans at a live taping of a Disney special. “We’ll be fine.” It was all about reassuring each other now. Reassuring that everything would be fine when they both knew that their lives were going to change in a matter of months.  

And ultimately, their entire world would never be the same.

JUNE 2001

“It was for the best, Mom,” Becca sighed into the phone, as she gathered a pile of baby clothes from the dryer and set them in the laundry basket next to her. “We weren’t getting along. We fought all the time and-“

“And now you are left alone to care for my grandchild. Yes, that is what I call working out for the best!” her mother snapped into the phone. “Meanwhile, he’s touring all over the country doing God only knows what or who and you’re left by yourself in Los Angeles. Rebecca Jane, that is not best for anyone!”

Becca groaned and kicked the dryer door shut with her foot, picked up the laundry basket of clean clothes, and held the phone between her shoulder and her ear as she walked back into the living room. Dylan was asleep in her swing and all that could be heard was the soft guitar music coming from Spotify. “Mom, I don’t want to raise my child around all of that arguing,” she whispered into the phone as she headed for her bedroom. “We work so much better when we’re not together. He comes out here as much as he can. He’s a good father, Mom.”

“If he were that good, he’d have tried to make it work,” Mrs. Sebastian wasn’t budging on her dislike of the situation her daughter had gotten herself into. “Both of you are stubborn and I know he’s jealous and insistent, but you are hard-headed and want to do everything on your own. I’m telling you, honey, give it a few more months and you’re going to wish you hadn’t gotten rid of him!”

“I didn’t get rid of him!” Becca tried not to yell and cracked her bedroom door. “It was mutual, Mom. He’s coming out in two weeks and after the tour is over, he’ll be staying here until he has to get back to Orlando. I wish there was another way, but there’s not. And I have tons of help. I just hired a nanny for when I go back to work and-“

“A nanny?!” her mother gasped. “Do you mean to tell me my granddaughter is going to be raised by a complete and utter stranger?!”

There was no winning with her mother and Becca should have just pretended she and Josh were still together. That the weeks after Dylan’s birth hadn’t really been spent in shouting matches or that when Nick showed up with a baby present for Dylan, Josh hadn’t reamed him out in front of Becca. No. Clearly she should have just pretended none of it had happened and that she and Josh were fine. The truth was, now that they weren’t dating, they were fine. There weren’t any more suspicions about Nick or any other man from Josh and Becca didn’t get irritated when he called to check on her and Dylan. The last time he’d been in L.A. they had gotten along the entire time, even going out for dinner together. It was a good thing. Becca thought so anyway.

“Not a stranger, Mom. People get nannies all the time. And I need one when I start filming again. I’m also going out to New York for three weeks in September to film some of the show there and Josh has already told me he’ll meet me there to help out and the nanny can have time off,” Becca began to put the laundry away, as her mother disapprovingly began to go on and on about how babies raised by nannies never felt loved or accepted by their parents and no matter how much Becca went back and forth, it didn’t seem to phase her mother, who’d already had her mind made up.

“I need to go feed Dylan, Mom,” Becca quietly cut her mother off. “So I’ll talk to you later, okay?” They said their goodbyes and Becca hung up, feeling as though she’d just been fighting in a boxing match. Her mother had a way of making her feel completely exhausted after every phone call. She went back into the living room where Dylan was slowly waking up from her nap. Her little arms stretched and she made soft grunting sounds as Becca made her way over to her baby.

“Your grandma is annoying,” Becca sighed and unlatched Dylan. She carefully picked her up and went over to the couch to nurse the baby. No, it wasn’t easy being a single parent and not having any family nearby. She’d thought about how much easier it would have been if she and Josh had managed to work things out, but she had been tired of it all. Tired of the arguing about the silliest things, tired of Josh’s insistence that she move closer and at one point he’d even suggested she quit the show. She’d tried to remind him of how many celebrities she knew that also had babies and were doing fine still filming. Still, having him around or even being on tour with him right now might have been less stressful. She was exhausted.

The doorbell rang and Becca covered herself and slowly rose to answer the door. On the other side stood Nick and her co-star from Sarah, Bailey Morton. She’d introduced Nick and Bailey and they’d hit it off immediately. Bailey played Becca’s co-worker, “Annie”, on the show and in the last few months, the two had formed a bond outside of work. It made it nice for Becca, especially since all of her closest friends were on the east coast.

“We came to bring you dinner,” Nick held up a bag from In-N-Out and a bag from Becca’s favorite Mexican restaurant. “I didn’t know what you’d be in the mood for, so I brought both.”

“Aw, you guys are awesome!” Becca grinned and held the door open to let them both inside. “Come on in. It’s dinner time for this one, too.” She motioned down at Dylan, whose eyes were fixated on Bailey’s necklace.

“How are you?” Bailey asked, as she and Nick followed Becca into the house. The food was placed on the coffee table in the middle of the room and Nick went into the kitchen to get out plates for their meal.

“I’m exhausted. I’m so glad you guys came over,” Becca sat on the couch again and resumed nursing, covering up so that Nick wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. “Josh is coming out in a few weeks to see her, but I’m pretty much on my own til then.”

“Did you hear he was out with Bobbi again?” Nick asked, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. Talk about dropping a bomb. She saw Bailey shoot Nick a glare and Nick winced, daring himself to look at Becca.

Becca’s heart sank a little. Or if she was honest with herself, it sank a lot. She shook her head slowly. “No. My, he sure didn’t waste any time,” she cleared her throat and looked back down at Dylan. “Guess you’re going to have two visitors soon, babe.”

“He wouldn’t bring Bobbi out here, would he?!” Bailey gasped. “Well, if he does, you send them to a hotel and make sure you’re on visits with them both. You don’t want that tramp alone with your daughter!”

“Bailey, I’m sure it’s fine,” Becca said softly. “Is this like an official thing or…?” her voice trailed off and Nick shrugged, coming back into the living room with the plates.

“Just heard it from one of the guys that he’d brought her to an after party,” Nick sat down next to Bailey by the coffee table. “Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have said anything. You’ve only been broken up for a few weeks.”

Becca didn’t say anything, just began to burp Dylan and wonder why it bothered her so much. Because you still love him. Because he’s the father of your child. Because deep down you know you probably could have worked something out. She didn’t like any of those answers. None of them made sense. Of course she still loved him, but not like she had. And she knew she’d always have that attachment with him because he was Dylan’s father. But they couldn’t have worked anything out. He was too jealous, she was too independent, and they were both stubborn.

Later that evening, after Nick and Bailey had left, Becca went into Dylan’s nursery and watched her daughter sleep. When she was awake, her eyes were crystal blue like Josh’s and her mouth curved into a smile much like that of Becca’s. But most of her friends told her that Dylan favored Josh. Becca reached down and gently stroked the brown pieces of hair that were starting to pop up on Dylan’s head. Tip toeing out again, she went into her bedroom and plopped down on her bed, picking up the latest issue of People next to her. At that minute the phone rang and Becca looked to see the caller ID, telling her it was Josh.

“Hi,” she answered, putting the magazine down. “Did you just get back from the concert?”

“Yeah,” Josh sounded just as tired as she was. “Just got back to the hotel. About to go to bed but wanted to call and check on Dylan.”

“She’s fine. She’s been asleep for about an hour,”

“Ok. Did she have a good day?”

“Yeah. Slept and ate. You know. Typical for her,” Becca was a bit sorry that she didn’t have anything else to tell him. In a few years she figured when he made these calls the answers would be different. She got her ears pierced. She’s going to a school dance with the boy she really likes. She got three acceptance letters to colleges. She snapped out of her daze and remembered what Nick had told her. “Um, Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you, I mean, did you, what I mean is are you and Bobbi dating again?”

There was a pause and Josh replied, “I took her to a House of Blues concert in Orlando.” Nothing else. And Becca didn’t want to ask. “Why?”

“Just, well, I just heard you were or you might be dating and-“

“You know it can’t matter to you,” his voice was somewhat harsh.

“I know,” she retorted and felt her cheeks flush. “I just didn’t know if she’d be joining you out here or-“

“Oh for crying out loud, Becca. No she’s not. It was a date. That’s all!”

“I’m not saying anything! I just asked a question!” Becca sat up on her bed. Her heart was racing. He’d been on a date. But why did it matter so much? No, she wasn’t going to ask herself that again because the answers she’d gotten were not what she needed to hear.

“Fine. I’ll call you tomorrow when she’s awake,” Josh said quietly.

“Fine,” Becca answered, feeling her heart sink. So much for them not fighting when they weren’t together. She hung up and immediately burst into tears. She missed him. She was admitting it now. She missed her relationship with Josh.