I had started having reoccurring nightmares once I got to Mississippi. Most of them involved the baby being kidnapped by JC or JC somehow reappearing in a random place that I happened to be. I’d woken up Lance more than once in a cold sweat and crying. He’d tried to comfort me, but often times, it was hard to get back to sleep. And once I had fallen asleep again, my sleep was restless and I’d usually be awake before the sun came up. Lance would normally find me sitting in the bay window seat in his living room, curled in a blanket with a cup of decaf hot tea in my hand, staring out the window as the sun rose above the trees in his backyard. I knew he was worried about me, but there wasn’t really anything he could do. There wasn’t anything anyone could do. I was miserable. And it wasn’t just the flu or the morning sickness, either. I missed my friends. I missed Orlando. I missed the thrill I’d had when I’d first joined Three4One. I missed choreographing and dancing.

“Hey, I have a surprise for you,” he told me one morning after I’d managed to finish a dry piece of toast and hot tea. It was really the only thing I could keep down before lunch anymore.

I was sitting at his kitchen table and watching him clean up after our breakfast together. I envied his omelet that he was easily able to scarf down. It looked delicious. However, I knew if it came anywhere near me, I’d throw up before I had a chance to taste it.

“What?” I asked him, sipping my tea.

“You think I’m going to tell you? It’s a surprise,” He walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder giving it a little squeeze. “I have to run into town really quick today. I’ll be fast. Do you need anything?”

I was feeling particularly grumpy that day. I was mad that he was leaving, then again the day before I’d griped silently to myself that he wouldn’t leave me alone. I knew it was hormones. It had to be hormones. I was never this moody before I’d become pregnant.

“No,” I mumbled, looking down at my tea. “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” he leaned down to peck my lips before he headed towards the garage. “I’ll see you in about an hour or so. With my surprise.”

“Yeah, okay,” I didn’t look back at him, just stood up and took my mug to the sink and rinsed it out.

I’d been wearing the same pajamas for three days now and felt disgusting. I decided a nice, long, soak in the Jacuzzi in the Master bathroom would do me good. The water couldn’t be too hot, obviously because of the baby, but I could get it at a nice, warm temperature. I let my hair down out of the loose bun it had been in, threw my pajamas on the bathroom floor, and started the water in the tub. I looked at myself in the mirror while the Jacuzzi filled up with water and bubble bath. I was most definitely a pregnant woman on the outside and anyone could tell it now. The bump had turned into a well-rounded shape and looked as though I’d swallowed a basketball. My baby boy was going to be a nice size and weight that was for sure. It hadn’t been a huge surprise when the doctor told me I was going to have a boy because I’d kind of already known it. Mother’s instinct I guess. Lance had been thrilled and had already started coming up with names, most of which I’d silently vetoed. I didn’t want to name him until I saw him. How did I know whether or not he was a Caden or a Jacob without looking at him first?

I slid into the Jacuzzi and rested my head against the back of the tub. The jets were on low and felt good against my back and thighs. I closed my eyes and stretched my toes. It was quiet and I was enjoying the relaxation. I began to think about the next four and a half months. Lance would be leaving in about three weeks until June, when I was due. Johnny had already warned us that JC would figure it out once he’d skipped a few tour dates, but Lance had assured me he was beyond caring and that his main concern was that someone was with me in the delivery room. I thought about after the baby came and where I’d go. I certainly wasn’t planning on being in Mississippi for too long. In fact, I assumed once Lance was back on tour and JC was out of Orlando with him, I’d just go back there and live. I’d figure out what to do when their tour ended in August. JC wasn’t going to scare me away from living my life in Orlando, I was going to make sure of that. I shivered upon thinking about our last encounter. Thinking of how ballsy he’d been to just assume I’d take him back or that I’d drop the restraining order. It was as though nothing had registered with him. Maybe he knew he’d done wrong, but he hadn’t realized just how wrong. Maybe he thought I’d enjoyed his manipulation, and, truth be told, maybe at first I hadn’t known it was manipulation. Everyone else had seen me fall into his trap, but I was so in awe of him, so desperate for him, that I hadn’t wanted to see it. I thought he was supposed to treat me that way.

And the sex hadn’t been awful. In fact, the first few weeks we’d slept together had been amazing. If I was honest with myself, sometimes I’d think about those first few times. It wasn’t that Lance was awful, they were both just different. Lance was more deliberate, more concentrated, more loving. JC liked it rough and he liked to be in control and it was that control that had been the demise of our relationship. I’d spent hours on the couch with my therapist, Amelia, being reminded that sexual control was only healthy when it was consensual. And while I’d let him have his way with me at first, it soon became just a game to him and my feelings, my thoughts, anything I wanted was forgotten about. At the end of it all, I was left an empty shell, still 19, still naïve, and still a little girl in many aspects of it all, except that now I was going to have a baby and would have to grow up too fast.

“Do you love Lance?” Amelia had asked me a few weeks prior to leaving Orlando.

“I care about Lance. I don’t know if I love him. I don’t even know what loving someone else looks like, Amelia. I thought I loved JC but look how that turned out,” I’d answered, more forthright than I’d ever answered any other question of hers.

“Does he love you?” she prodded.

“I think he does. He acts like it. He’s always protective of me and by what he does, I would say so. But sometimes I don’t even know what we’re doing together,” I’d never admitted it to anyone before. Not Jen. Not Brooke. Not even to myself. Until that day. “He’s taken me in and he was there for me when I needed him the most. And I like being with him. And I want the baby to know him…” I began to trail off and Amelia just nodded.

“But you don’t know, do you?” she asked.

I shook my head. “No,” I answered, truthfully. “I don’t know if I love him.”

“Trust me,” she smiled warmly at me. “When you know you love someone, there’s not a shadow of doubt.” She paused. “I think he’s good for you right now, Addie. I think you need him and he likes that. I don’t know what will happen after the baby comes. But I do think that moving to Mississippi for a bit will clear your head and you can get some fresh air.”

I pondered that conversation as I soaked in the Jacuzzi. I still hadn’t decided what it was I felt for Lance. I think I was beginning to love him, but I was still confused. He’d literally come into my life right at the perfect time and I could easily let myself fall in love with him and maybe a part of me was, but confusion overwhelmed me and all I knew to do was to just continue on in the relationship until I was sure. After all, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was the complete opposite of that.

As if on cue, I heard him coming up the stairs. I must’ve soaked longer than I thought. He opened the door to the bathroom and poked his head in. “Hey,” he greeted me, walking towards me. He sat on the edge of the Jacuzzi. “Your surprise is downstairs when you’re ready.”

I just nodded and looked at him, a small smile appearing on the edge of my lips. “Where’d you go?” I wanted to know.

“You’ll see when you come downstairs,” he reached down to kiss me and nearly toppled over into the tub. Catching himself, he began to laugh and I giggled at him as he stood up. “Well, I guess I’ll just wait til you get out and get my kiss then.”

“I’m getting out now,” I slowly stood up and let the water begin to drain. He handed me my towel, which was hanging next to the toilet by the Jacuzzi and watched me as I dried off. I could feel his eyes on me and I wrapped the towel around me. I eyed him and saw the lust in his eyes, knowing what he wanted to be doing, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood after the contemplative bath I’d just taken. I left the bathroom and Lance followed me back into the bedroom.

“That was kind of hot, Addie,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I was just drying off,” I replied a little too nonchalantly, as I began to get dressed.

“Still,” he watched me in the mirror as I brushed out my hair. “We could do something in about five minutes.”

“Wow, that’s really romantic, Lance,” I rolled my eyes at him and turned to face him. “If you want to get off, go to the bathroom.” I was a bit snippy and I knew it from the look on his face that I’d come across a little more mean than I’d meant it. Hormones. Hormones were the main culprit. “I’m sorry, Lance. I didn’t mean it like that.” I sauntered over to him and cupped his face in my hands, leaning down to kiss him softly. “I’m just not feeling great these days.”

He smiled, though I could see in his eyes he was still a little hurt. “It’s okay,” he assured me and kissed me back. “I know it’s been a rough couple of weeks.”

“You don’t have to put up with my shit for much longer,” I reminded him, as he stood up. “You leave for the tour soon and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“Hey,” he pulled me into a hug. “You know I want you here and I want you on tour with me if you could be. Right?”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I just, I’m going through a lot of stuff right now, Lance.” He said nothing, just removed a strand of hair from my eyes. “Let’s go downstairs. I want to see this surprise you’ve been talking about all day.”

“Addie!” I heard Brooke’s shriek from the top of the stairs and I barreled down them as fast as I could. She gasped when she saw me and Jen was right behind her. “Oh my god, you are so pregnant!” She grabbed me in a hug and Jen joined in next. Pulling away from me, she touched my belly and then looked back at me. “You’re only five months! What in the world will you look like at nine?”

“Don’t talk to me about that,” I shook my head and the three of us sat down on the couch together. Lance sat across from us in the recliner. “How in the world are you here? I didn’t think your tour would be so close to us!”

“We were in New Orleans yesterday,” Jen informed me. “And it’s not really that far away. We got in touch with Lance and he said he’d come pick us up so we could spend the day with you. We’ve got one more show at a mall in Alabama and then we’re home.”

“And then you’re gonna come back and live with us til Lance gets back in June,” Brooke added in. “Right?”

I giggled and shrugged at them. “Maybe. I’ll at least come back to Orlando in March.”

“I thought you were going to stay here?” Lance suddenly piped up. I looked over at him and saw the look of shock on his face. “You’re not really going to be alone until the baby comes are you?”

“Didn’t you hear me? I said she was going to live with us,” Brooke told him, then looked back at me. “C’mon, Addie. You can’t go back to that apartment by yourself.”

“I’d rather you stay here,” Lance spoke again. “You’d be around my mom and if anything were to go wrong or something-“

Brooke let out a groan. “Lance, she’ll be fine. She can move in with us. Kaitlyn’s going back to Kentucky for a few weeks anyway, thank god, and then you can have your old room back.”

“What’s wrong with Kaitlyn?” I wanted to change the subject. I knew I didn’t want to continue this conversation with the three of them because everyone would disagree about what was the best thing for me to do.

“Oh please can we not talk about it,” Brooke sighed, a little too dramatically then continued. “If I hear one more irritating thing about how her voice teacher was the best in all of Florida, I will scream. And seriously, the accent gets worse whenever she’s trying to flirt, which is all the freaking time. Not to mention she was caught in bed with one of the 98 Degrees guys.”

“I thought it was a Backstreet Boy?” Jen asked.

“No. It was when we were in St. Louis at the beginning of the tour and we met up with them at that radio station,” Brooke reminded her. “She went off with Drew or Jeff or whoever and then one of the crew guys caught them on their bus.”

“Well, whoever it was, she’s really just too immature to be on tour,” Jen said.

“I was immature. Remember?” I gave them a look. “Clearly. Look what ended up happening.” I patted my belly and shook my head. “I’m sure she’ll be fine once she gets the hang of it.”

It was nice to have Jen and Brooke there that day. It felt somewhat like old times. We avoided the subject of me moving back to Orlando and we ignored the questions about what would happen after I had the baby and what would JC do then. We just talked about their tour and that Jen and Chris were getting more serious and that Joey wanted Brooke to experiment with another threesome, but this time with a girl, and Brooke had given it some thought but wasn’t completely sold on it.

“I mean, if it turns him on, I get it. I just don’t know if I could make out or fool around with another woman is all,” she had said. “Doing it with him and Justin was fine, but you know that didn’t turn out so well. Someone always gets left out.”

After dinner, Lance and I drove them back into Jackson where their tour bus was waiting on them. Kaitlyn vigorously waved at us as we pulled into the parking lot. She was standing by the bus and I could immediately hear Brooke begin to grumble to Jen about her. We got out of the car and said goodbye, and I hugged the girls a little tighter than usual. I knew it would be at least another month until I saw them again.

“Let us know what you decide to do,” Jen said to me, as we hugged. “You know you can always come live with us til he’s off tour.”

“I will,” I promised her and hugged her back. “Have fun. Love you.”

“Be good for your mommy,” Brooke said to the baby and patted my belly. “Hey, I love you. And I’ll see you in a few weeks, okay?”

“Yeah,” I spoke softly and hugged her. “See you. Love you.”

Brooke squeezed my arm as she followed Jen to the bus.

Lance and I got back in the car and he started the drive back to his house. We were quiet at first and I could almost feel him wanting to ask me about Orlando. I waited until he’d turned the corner before I said something first.

“Lance, I want to go back. After you leave, I mean. I don’t want to be here. I think your family is great, but they’re not mine. And I want to be near Jen and Brooke,” my sentences were broken and short. “You understand, don’t you?”

“But Addie, you know my family will be your family sooner or later anyway,” was his response.

My family?

“What do you mean?” I ventured to ask, looking over at him.

“I just figured we’d probably get married, you know, after the baby comes,” he glanced over at me, then looked back at the road.

“Married?” I heard myself say it aloud. “Lance, I don’t even know what I want to do after he gets here. And I don’t even know if….” Could I tell him I didn’t know if I loved him? “…if, if I want that.” I finished and knew I should’ve said it.

He didn’t say anything for a minute. Then, “So, you’re going back to Orlando, then?”

“Yes,”

“I’m not trying to pressure you, Addie. I just figured that us getting married made the most sense, you know?”

“Do you love me, Lance?” The question was asked before I could stop myself.

“Addie, what do you mean? Of course I l-“

“Because I don’t know if I love you,” I was on a roll now. “I care about you. And I want to be with you. But I just don’t know if I love you.”

“So…” he started, “What are we doing?”

“We’re in a relationship. Like most people our age, we’re dating. And maybe I’ll figure it out soon. But I don’t know. I’m sorry, Lance. I can’t tell you that I love you because I don’t know,”

The rest of the ride back to his house was quiet. I wished I hadn’t said anything. I knew I’d hurt him because it was written all over his face. When we got inside the house, we both went upstairs and I sat on the bed, watching him as he took his clothes off and sat on the bed in his boxer briefs, turning on the television.

“I’m sorry, Lance,” I finally spoke, after I’d brushed my teeth and sat down on the bed next to him. “I wish I could tell you what you wanted to hear.”

“Me, too,” he muttered, not looking at me.

“I can’t help the way I feel. I can’t-“

“Addie, I’m not asking you to change how you feel. I just assumed it was a mutual feeling we had for each other. I was wrong,” he sighed and stretched out on the bed, his hand resting on stomach, his other holding the remote.

“I don’t want to break up, Lance,” I suddenly felt vulnerable and even though I didn’t know what I felt for him, I knew breaking up right now wasn’t good.

He turned to face me. “I’m not going to break up with you, Addie, if that’s what you’re worried about. We’ve only been really dating for three months. It’s okay. I promise.”

I nodded and nestled under the duvet. If he said it was okay, then it was okay. He loved me, I was still figuring it out.

Then why did it feel like we’d just broken up?