“Addie?”

I snapped to attention. Lance had taken me to some small little baby boutique in the middle of downtown Clinton. I’d been aimlessly walking behind him as he spoke with the owner of the shop about nursery themes and ideas and other additions that I probably should have been listening to, but I’d been off ever since we’d had the conversation the week before about my moving to Orlando. He’d been trying so hard to show me just how much he was in love with me and I was so confused and naïve about it that I let him, and forced myself to try and do things and make him think that I was ok with it. He’d wanted so much to do whatever I wanted or needed, but had I been honest with myself, I didn’t even know what that was.

“Huh? Sorry,” I smiled sheepishly and walked over to him.

“Addie, I was asking what you thought of this teddy bear mobile? Leah says we can get a discount on it,” he was pointing to a green mobile with little teddy bears hanging down from it. It played “Lullaby” on repeat once it was wound up. Leah was the owner of the shop and an old friend of the Bass family and had been thrilled when we walked in the shop and Lance had been with her most of the time.

I wanted to tell him I didn’t care, that whatever it was, just to get it. Because the truth was, I just wanted to get out of there. In two days we’d both be heading back to Orlando and I had never been more excited to get back to anywhere than I was to Orlando. I didn’t care that there was a chance I could run into JC. I didn’t care that I’d be sharing a house while I was five months pregnant. I just wanted out of Mississippi. I wanted to be back where I was familiar with things, where I knew people, and where I could relax without worrying about having to impress anyone. It wasn’t that Lance’s family hadn’t treated me well. They were really nice and had been nothing but wonderful to me. But I didn’t know them and the fact that Lance had inferred that they could be my family had more or less made me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable around them.

“Um, I like it,” I answered, trying to look interested.

“It has a matching little blanket as well,” Leah added, holding up a light green blanket with teddy bears on it.

“Sure,” I nodded, the smile on my face feeling like it was permanently stuck there.

Lance looked at me and pulled me aside. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I replied, the smile on my face not changing.

“Addie, you’ve been acting off all day. What happened? Are you feeling sick?” he touched my arm and I could feel myself cringe against his touch.

“No. I’m fine!” I tried to be as reassuring as possible but he wasn’t buying it.

“Do you need to talk to me about something?” he prodded and I knew he wasn’t going to give up until I was honest with him. But I didn’t want to have this discussion in the middle of the store.

“Yes, but not here, okay?” I tried to keep the reassurance but I was growing tired and it had waned significantly in just the last few seconds.

“Leah,” Lance turned to his friend, “We’ll come back tomorrow. Can you put those on hold?

“Sure, Lance,” Leah smiled warmly at us. “Take care. Thanks for stopping in!” she was calling to us as we left the shop. Lance put his arm around my waist and we walked quietly to the car, which was parked down the block. We got in and Lance didn’t start the car, only looked at me and waited for me to speak.

I looked at him and didn’t want to tell him that I’d been having second thoughts about everything. We’d been connecting so well back when I was going through the whole thing with JC, I had needed someone to vent to, to protect me. But lately…I felt as though I hadn’t needed that. I wanted to be independent. Or at least I thought I did.

“I just, Lance, I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve not had a good time here. It’s nothing you or your family did. You’ve been wonderful to me. I’ve just kind of felt smothered and I want to be back in Orlando. I want to be with Jen and Brooke,” I dared myself to look at him. He was looking ahead, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“Are you breaking up with me?” he sounded so sad and dejected and I was the one making him feel like this.

“I-I don’t know, Lance. I just know that I’m confused and want to be back where I’m familiar with things and with people,” I shook my head. “I know that doesn’t sound right, but I’ve not felt like myself and maybe I’m just talking nonsense or something. I just want things to be back to normal.” It was then that the tears fell. What was normal anymore? A year ago I’d just been a wide-eyed college freshmen. Six months ago I’d joined a group that was supposed to have been the opportunity of a lifetime. And now, here I was, pregnant with my ex-boyfriend’s baby. Of course I was confused and bewildered.

“Addie, look, I love you, you know that. So I’m not going to just leave you when we get to Orlando. I’ll be here for you if you need me. I don’t want to smother you or keep you from whatever it is you need to figure out,” he started the car and regarded me, his hand resting on top of mine.

“Are you mad?” I ventured to ask, my voice wavering as I wiped my tears on my sleeve.

Lance chuckled and shook his head. “I’m a little sad, but I think you’ve gone through enough for me to be mad at you right now.” He smoothed out my hair and rested his fingertips on my cheek. “Sometimes I look at you and I can’t believe you have to deal with what you have to deal with. I wish I could take it away from you, Addie. I wish you didn’t have to be in the position you’re in. If I were at those auditions last year for Three4One I would’ve steered you away. I don’t think you were ready. I’m not trying to insult you, I just think there are some people that can handle it and you-“

“I know, Lance,” my voice shaky through my tears. “I know. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t ever seen that damn flyer in the first place.”

Three days later, I was sitting in my old living room with Jen and Brooke. I still had the apartment, but everyone agreed that until the baby arrived, I should stay with my friends. Lance had dropped me off and kissed me goodbye, though this time it had felt more like a friendly kiss than a romantic one.

“I broke up with him,” I told them, as Jen sat down on the couch across from the recliner I was sitting in. “I just didn’t think it was fair to date him if I didn’t know what I felt for him. I mean, he was there for me when I went through all that shit with JC and it wasn’t like the sex was awful or we didn’t connect. I just feel like I need to figure some stuff out.”

“No judgment here,” Jen assured me, handing me a bottle of water. “Addie, we’re all here for you. Whatever you need, okay?”

“Though,” Brooke cleared her throat uncomfortably. “He’s with someone. JC I mean. He brought her to our last function and get together at Johnny’s.”

I didn’t even know how to react or process what I’d just heard. I was done with JC. I knew it a long time ago. So why was my stomach doing flip -flops and my heart sinking to the pit of my chest? Why did I feel like I could cry right then? I touched my belly and rubbed it, as though I was reminding myself that JC had caused this and that he had abused me and that he was probably putting this girl through the same thing he’d put me through. I was quiet and didn’t say anything, just looked down at the floor and then up again at my friends.

“Remember what he did to you, Addie,” Jen quietly reminded me. “You know he’s not in a good place. He can’t be in a good place. And if it’s any consolation, he looked like death when we saw him.”

I honestly couldn’t imagine JC looking that bad. I’d seen him pretty drunk and high but never so bad that he appeared terrible looking. He was a handsome guy, I’d give him that.

“He’s not done with his treatment,” Brooke added. “And this girl he was with looked like she’d just fallen off the porn star wagon.”

“Was she pretty?” I dared myself to say outloud. Not that I wanted to really know.

“She was hideous,” Brooke made a face and stuck out her tongue. “She looked like she hadn’t slept in days and she was all emaciated. And she was all clingy with him.”

“Probably because he wouldn’t let her out of his sight,” I retorted, nearly under my breath. I shook my head. “Whatever. It’s all over with him, thank goodness.”

“He asked about you,” Jen said softly, and bit her lower lip, pausing before she continued. “He wanted to know if you were ok and how the baby was. I didn’t give him any indication that I cared what he asked, but I don’t know what you’re going to do once the baby arrives.”

“I’ll figure it out,” that seemed to be my response to everything lately. I didn’t know what exactly I was going to figure out first because the list had gotten longer and longer.

“You know he can still see the baby, right?” Jen added. “Johnny asked around and apparently his lawyer told him that JC could have the right to be in the hospital when you deliver. JC told Johnny that he already knew you wouldn’t want that and so he is going to talk about visitation rights and….”

Jen continued to talk but I wasn’t listening anymore. It was all too much. I just wanted to run away from it all. Orlando was supposed to have been my safe haven, but it was proving already to bring more stress with it. Where would I even run away to now? Mississippi hadn’t worked and being at Jen’s and Brooke’s only enabled my thoughts to go to a place I didn’t want them to go ever again. I wondered if it would be back to normal once the baby was here, but I knew it wouldn’t be. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be done with it all. And then a part of me, a very tiny part of me, wanted to see JC. I didn’t know what I’d say to him, but I wanted him to know I was ok and that his baby was ok and that we’d figure out visitation rights and that I was slowly forgiving him. But I knew if I even dared to say that to Jen or Brooke, they’d shoot me down and tell me I wasn’t ready. I needed more time or that I was just being silly because of the emotional attachment that still lingered.

“Are you even listening to anything we’re saying?” Brooke interrupted my thoughts and I glanced at her, shaking my head.

“I need to go lie down,” I stood up slowly and turned to head for the stairs. Brooke and Jen protested it but I ignored it and walked up the steps that would lead me to my old bedroom. I opened the door and laid on the bed, looking up at the ceiling, trying to remember the last time I’d been happy. Genuinely happy. I couldn’t seem to remember anything before last June when I’d made the band.

I finally let myself relax and closed my eyes, praying sleep would come and I could wake up and figure out something, anything, to get me out of the funk I’d been in, knowing that deep down, my life was never going to be the kind of normal I wanted.