May 2001

As I write this, looking back, I wish I’d had better judgment on all of it. I think a part of me kind of hoped that Jen and Brooke would take care of that part and let me know when I was doing something stupid. Yet it wasn’t their job to do that. Just because I had been living with them I think I just assumed they’d take over and tell me what to do and what not to do. They had their own lives, their own careers to think about. Yes, they loved me and I was one of their dearest friends, but it wasn’t their duty to take care of me. I never voiced it to them, but silently, I think I was crying out for someone to be there for me. Lance was on tour and even though he called every so often, he knew it was done between us, at least for now and every conversation became shorter and more surfaced. Brooke and Jen were busy with appearances and so I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts, which wasn’t a good thing. And I’m pretty sure it was why I called JC in the first place.

Why did I do it? I think I wanted to forget everything. I wanted the child I was carrying to have some sense of normalcy in his life and to me that meant that both of his parents were reconciled. At the time, I was too naïve to know that an abuser will always abuse and I had enough evidence looking back, that he wasn’t healed.

I had his cell phone number still memorized from when we’d started our relationship and I double- checked to make sure that Jen and Brooke were out of the house before I dialed it. I also made sure that he would be around. It was right before three in the afternoon and I knew that the guys would be resting up before sound check. I also knew that JC would be alone in his dressing room either sleeping or possibly smoking a joint. Either way, he’d be relaxed enough to talk to me. Relaxed and very surprised.

“Hello?” He answered on the third ring. His voice was groggy, so I assumed I’d woken him up.

“JC, it’s me. Addie,”

“Addie?! Holy shit. Why are you calling me? I didn’t think that was allowed!”

“It’s not,” I leaned back against my bed frame and rested my hand on my belly. “But I just wanted to talk to you. I’m going to have our baby next month and I just need things to be okay again,”

“Okay again,” he repeated. “How do you mean?”

“I just want us to be reconciled,”

“Addie, you know I want that, too,”

“You do?”

“Baby, of course I do. I never wanted it to turn out the way it did. I love you, Addie. And I know I messed up but I’ve changed and I want us to give it another try,”

“I don’t know…”

“Please, Addie. Please. We have a two -day break coming up. I’ll fly to Orlando and we can work on us. Come on. What do you say? You’re having my baby and I don’t want to just be the guy in the waiting room. I want to be there for you and I want to be there with you,”

“Okay,” I agreed, not even thinking about any sort of repercussions. Nor was I thinking about how I would see him without Jen or Brooke eventually finding out. I didn’t have a car and to see him, he’d have to pick me up. I’d have to be strategic and very sneaky about it. If they caught us together, I knew it wouldn’t be good.

“I’ll be there in three days, Addie. I’ll come over and we can talk, okay? I’m so glad you want to do this,”

“JC, don’t, I mean, don’t say anything, okay? The restraining order-“

“I’m not stupid, Addie. I won’t say anything. All anyone has to know is that I’m home for a few days,”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay,” I said. “I’ll see you this weekend.”

“Yes, you will,”

We said goodbye and I hung up, staring at the phone and wondering how on earth I’d ever pull this off. I would have to find out when Jen and Brooke had rehearsals and I would have to pray that they’d be out longer than an hour. JC and I needed time to process together. And honestly, I thought that was all that would happen. We’d talk, we’d reconcile, and we’d discuss how we’d raise our son. That would be all. Nothing more, nothing less.

“We’re going to be gone all day on Saturday,” Jen was telling me the next day at breakfast. “We’ve got a show in Tampa with a few other acts. Wanna come?”

I finished off my Corn Flakes and shook my head. “No. I’m not feeling so great and going anywhere wipes me out,” I was partly telling the truth. I was feeling just fine, but going out did make me extremely tired nowadays. Not to mention, I was huge and felt quite self-conscious about it.

“You never do anything, Addie,” Brooke chimed in, standing to take her cereal bowl to the sink. “You sit around here all the time. Aren’t you bored? Doesn’t Johnny have anyone else for you to choreograph for?”

“Like I can really move at eight months pregnant!” I snapped, and slowly stood up, feeling myself waddling into the living room.

“Leave her alone!” I heard Jen hiss to Brooke.

“Sorry,” Brooke muttered, as she walked past me on the couch and headed upstairs. I ignored her and picked up a magazine from the coffee table, aimlessly thumbing through it. Jen came in and sat next to me, her hand resting on my arm.

“She didn’t mean it,” Jen was trying to assure me but I just shrugged.

“I don’t care if she meant it or not,” I said. “I know I’m not exactly that much fun these days but it’s hard to get up and be active right now.”

“Have you heard from Lance recently?” she asked me. “Chris told me he talks about you all the time.” I felt guilty immediately. Lance and I hadn’t talked in the last few days and certainly not since I’d made contact with JC the day before. I shook my head and tried to mask the look of guilt on my face. It seemed to work because Jen just patted my shoulder and smiled reassuringly at me. “It’ll all work out like it should in the end, Addie. At least you’re not still with JC.” Those last words stung me and I feigned a smile as Jen stood up and went to get dressed upstairs. If she knew he was going to be at the house while they were in Tampa, I’m pretty sure I would’ve been forced out of the house that day whether or not I wanted to go or not.

Saturday morning, I heard the girls leave around 6:00. They would be gone until late that evening because they were performing all day at three different venues in Tampa and then were going to a press conference in downtown Orlando. It was almost too perfect and I wondered if it was a setup and that they’d really be back before noon, around the time JC was getting here. I knew it was silly to think that but everything was working out a little too easily for me to see JC that day. I guess I had just assumed that something would go awry and he wouldn’t be able to come over after all.

I tried to dress and look as presentable as possible. I’d recently purchased new maternity jeans and tops and even though they weren’t exactly “cute”, they fit me comfortably and that was all that mattered. I put on make-up and pulled my hair back into a loose ponytail. I wanted to look nice for him. Not sexy or cute, but just nice. And getting out of the sweats I’d been living in recently had felt good. Just as I was putting the last bit of lip gloss on, the doorbell rang. My heart jumped and I suddenly was nervous. What was I doing? I was going to be alone with the man who had done me more harm than good? And why? Did I really need to reconcile? I buried all of those thoughts and walked to the front door as calmly as I could. I opened it and he stood there on the other side looking gaunt and tired but somehow still maintaining his handsomeness that had attracted me to him in the first place.

“Wow, Addie,” were his first words to me. “You’re so pregnant.”

“Eight months,” I answered, my voice quavering. I swallowed nervously and opened the door for him. “Come on in.”

“Where are your roommates?” he asked, as I closed the door.

“Tampa all day doing shows,” I replied. JC regarded me before opening his arms for a hug. I obliged and couldn’t believe how comforting and familiar it was. Suddenly all of the negative things I’d thought about this encounter with him were gone and I felt like he was the man I met almost a year ago. The abuse and the rape and all that he’d put me through somehow were not at the forefront of my mind anymore and I began to relax.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered into my ear. I shivered inside and felt every fiber inside of me turn on. He could easily seduce me and I knew it.

“Me, too,” I looked up at him and frowned. His eyes were sunken and dark. His cheekbones were quite apparent. “Are you okay?”

“I haven’t been eating like I should,” JC admitted and let me go. He followed me into the living room. “We’re so busy and I’ve probably done more stuff than I needed to do. Just haven’t found the time.”

“Do you want something? I can get you-“ I started to get up from the couch, but JC pulled me back down.

“Later,” he said, his voice soft. “We have a lot of catching up to do.”

I just looked at him and wondered if I should say anything else. He moved closer to me on the couch and moved a strand of loose hair behind my ear, his thumb gently stroking my cheek. “Addie, I’m so sorry. I know that what I did to you was wrong. I’ve been getting help and I want us to start over. We’re having a baby together for god’s sake. Doesn’t it deserve two parents that are together?”

“He,” I told him. “He deserves it.”

“We’re having a boy?!” JC’s eyes widened and he chuckled softly.

“Yeah,” I nodded and smiled at him. “We’re having a boy.”

JC bent down and kissed my stomach, rubbing it softly with his hand. “Hi, baby boy,” he whispered. My hand rested on the top of his head and I began to play with his hair, not even realizing it. It just felt so natural like this. He looked up at me and our eyes locked. His kisses resumed, only this time they were trailing from my stomach up to my lips. I was resistant at first, but JC was persuasive and soon we were making out on the couch. It hadn’t been at all what I had intended to happen. I honestly thought we’d just talk and reconcile and I’d talk to Johnny the next day about dropping the restraining order.

“I missed this,” JC said between kisses. His hands were roaming underneath my shirt and I didn’t stop him. “Nobody’s coming home any time soon?”

“Mm-m,” I mumbled, sliding beneath him and letting him take control.

“So we can stay on this couch?” he was unbuckling the belt on his jeans and I wasn’t stopping him.

“Yeah,” I ran my hands up down his chest, blocking out anything that was going to make me want to stop. For instance, the last time we’d done this I had ended up in the hospital. But he was different. We were different. It was going to be okay. You’ll tell yourself anything when you’re in denial. Or when you just really want to have sex, which apparently I did.

The rest of the day we didn’t do much talking. We ate lunch together and then went upstairs to my room. JC locked the door just in case Brooke or Jen were earlier than expected. We had the entire house to ourselves and took advantage of it. After a few romps in my bed, I was exhausted and JC let me sleep for a bit before we resumed. It wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made and I know that now. Reuniting with him only proved that I was still putty in his hands and no amount of restraining orders could convince me otherwise. Finally, we got out of bed and he left to go and get us a pizza for dinner. I was spent and exhausted and knew that Jen and Brooke were going to kill me once they found out he was back in my life.

After dinner, I fell asleep on him while we watched a movie on HBO. He woke me up around 8:00 and walked back upstairs with me. He tried seducing me once more but I was too drained. Instead, he crawled into bed with me and we fell asleep. I didn’t think about the fact that my roommates would be home any minute and JC’s car was parked on display in the driveway. I woke up when I heard Brooke calling for me and running up the stairs.

“Shit!” I shot up and looked at JC who was still asleep. “JC, wake up! Jen and Brooke are home and-“

The door was thrown open because we’d forgotten to lock it last time and Brooke stood on the other side, gasping when she saw me naked in bed with JC blearily waking up next to me.

“What the fuck is going on?!” she stormed in and I quickly pulled the covers up tightly around me. “Addie, are you fucking kidding me with this?!” She pointed to JC, who was slowly sitting up in bed.

“He-I mean, I – “I couldn’t get any words out fast enough.

“Is he here?” Jen ran into the room next and covered her mouth when she saw the scene in front of her. “Addie, why? What were you thinking? Do you know how much trouble you could get in if anyone finds out about this? You have a restraining order on him!”

“Well, looks like she dropped it, doesn’t it?!” JC snapped at Jen. “Get up, Addie. You’re coming to my house.”

“JC-“ I started to say but Brooke cut me off.

“Go,” she walked back over to Jen. “You’re not going to stay here if you’re going to get back with that douche bag.”

“But, he-“ I had started to tell them that he’d changed but I already knew they weren’t going to listen or hear that.

“Let’s go,” JC pulled his jeans on again and began to take clothes out of my closet. “You’re staying with me now.”

“How the hell did you even get here?!” Jen wanted to know. “You know you’re not supposed to be within 100 feet of her! Do you think, JC?!”

“I sure as hell do think, Jen. I think about the fact that I’m this kid’s dad and whatever shit we went through, it’s over. So we’ll take care of everything tomorrow and I’ll call Johnny myself and tell him I’m not finishing out the tour because my girlfriend is a month away from having our baby!” he was yelling at her and I was caught in the middle. I didn’t say anything, only gathered my clothes and walked past Jen and Brooke.

“Addie, think about what you’re doing!” Brooke called after me, running down the stairs as JC and I headed towards the front door. “You know he’s only going to keep doing the same shit!”

“Shut up, Brooke!” JC turned and glared at her. “She’s a grown woman. She can make her own decision.”

“Is this what you want, Addie? Do you want to go with him?” Jen asked me, her tone soft and concerned.

I slowly nodded, not knowing if it was true or not. He’d made love to me that day like never before. Slow and deliberate and not rough like he used to be. He was sweet and caring and like he’d been for the first few weeks we’d been together.

“Fine. We’re done helping you,” Jen turned around and I started after her.

“Good luck,” Brooke shook her head and followed Jen.

I wanted to say something, but JC tugged at my arm and I trailed after him. I wanted to believe this was going to be different. I wanted so much for my baby to have a normal upbringing and I would do anything to make it happen. I know it was dumb of me, but like I said, I wanted someone to take care of me and I was desperate enough to go crawling back to the one person who’d hurt me more than I’d ever been hurt in my life.