June 2001

Peace.

Contentment.

Silence.

I looked down at the little masterpiece asleep in my arms. Ryden had been born a day before his due date. He’d not given me any problems during labor, except that he was almost too ready to come out. JC and I barely made it to the hospital before he came out. He took to nursing readily and the nurse praised him because of it. She told me that a lot of new mothers had a hard time getting their babies to take to nursing, but Ryden had it down right away. I fell in love with him immediately and when the nurse had come to take him back to the nursery, I missed him for the hours he was away. Granted, I was grateful to have that time to sleep, but I couldn’t wait to wake up and hold him again.

Through it all, JC hadn’t left my side. He’d been the perfect boyfriend, the perfect father, and watching him with our son had made me forget that a few months ago, I had ordered him to stay away. Jen and Brooke were still skeptical, though when they’d come to visit me in the hospital, I could tell they were surprised at how doting he was being towards Ryden and me. He would cuddle with us in the hospital bed and sing Ryden to sleep while I nursed. It was bliss and I couldn’t wait to get home and start our new life together.

The day we left, hundreds of paparazzi flooded the entrance to the hospital. JC had kept guard by the window and his bodyguards were downstairs at the back entrance. A hired car awaited us and would take us home, where, we’d already been informed, there were at least 50 paparazzo waiting for us. Ryden Chasez was a popular baby. His father was one of the lead singer’s in the most popular boy band in the world and everyone wanted a glimpse of him. I didn’t want anyone to see him. He was mine. Mine and JC’s and he didn’t belong to those nasty cameras that would be aimed at him for the better part of his life. I’d gotten used to it but I sure wasn’t going to let my son become their next victim.

“We’ve got the car ready,” Mike, JC’s bodyguard said, poking his head around the door of the hospital room. I was sitting on the edge of the bed with a sleeping Ryden in my arms. JC helped me off the bed and we walked to the service elevator on the other end of the hallway. When we got off, a black SUV was there and as swiftly as he could, JC took Ryden and strapped him carefully into his car seat.

“I can run them over,” the driver said, as he approached JC’s house and saw the photographers out front.

“As tempting as that is, just let us out by the front door,” JC replied. We were both sitting in the backseat, Ryden’s car seat in between us.

“I don’t want him to wake up,” I told JC, knowing that as soon as we got out, the yelling from the paparazzi would begin and I would turn into super bitch mom if anyone woke my sleeping son.

“It’ll be okay,” JC said, looking out the window.

Mike stood next to the door as we piled out. I heard shouts from the front of the driveway and wished that I had been able to cover Ryden’s ears. I looked down at him and he still slept peacefully as though he were in the world’s quietest room. JC unlocked the front door and we made it inside, immediately shutting and locking it back. I went to the couch with Ryden’s car seat and unbuckled him, not moving him out. He let out a small sigh and his little arm stretched up but immediately fell next to him again.

“Good boy, bubby. Ignore those stupid people outside,” I whispered to him, kissing his forehead softly.

“Do we have anything to eat? I’m starving,” JC said as he went into the kitchen.

“I can’t remember anything past two days ago,” I replied, looking down at Ryden. “Everything else is a blur.”

JC sighed and I heard him shut the refrigerator door. “I’ll go out and get some food for us. What do you want?”

“Surprise me,” I answered, stretching out on the couch and closing my eyes. If Ryden was going to sleep, so was I.

“See you in a few,” JC went out the garage door and I let myself doze off until I heard my phone ringing. It was in the diaper bag, which was on the kitchen counter. I slowly got up and walked over to the bag, searching until I found it on the side pocket. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I answered it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Addie,”

I froze. It was Lance.

“H-Hi, Lance,” I cleared my throat and tried to speak again. “How are you?”

“I guess the more important question is how are you? I hear your little man is adorable. At least that’s the report Brooke gave me,”

“He is. I’m probably biased though,”

“Nah. Any kid of yours has to be pretty great,”

“Thanks,” I felt myself blushing.

“So things are going well with you…” he trailed off and I knew what he meant. Things were going well with me and JC. I didn’t need him anymore.

“Um, yeah. I mean, yeah I think we’ve found a rhythm of sorts,”

“I hope so. I hope you’d let me know and tell me the truth if he, I mean, if things weren’t-“

“Things are fine,” I cut him off. “Really. He’s changed, Lance.”

I heard the garage door open and JC walked in. “Forgot my wallet. Can’t get too far without that,” he mused, then looked at me questioningly. “Who is that?”

I just smiled and nervously turned away from him. “Thanks for calling,”

“He just walked in didn’t he?” Lance asked, quietly.

“We’re doing just fine. I’m sure you can stop by and see him,”

“I’m sure that’s a bold faced lie, Addie,”

“Okay, well, thanks again for calling. Bye!” I hung up and took a breath before turning around.

“Who was that, Addie?” JC was stuffing his wallet in his back pocket.

“Um, it was Lance,” I winced, and waited for his reaction.

“Why’s he calling here?” JC raised his voice somewhat and I swallowed hard.

“I think he just wanted to congratulate us,” I felt my voice wobble and tried to regain confidence.

“Well, that’s all well and good but he’s the last person I want seeing our son,” JC shook his head and went to walk out of the kitchen, then turned to glance at me. “I mean it, Addie. I don’t want him here. He already fucked us over once.”

I wanted to retaliate and tell JC it wasn’t Lance that had fucked us over, but I knew better. And I also was seeing a side of JC that I had hoped was gone. But I ignored it. We had Ryden and maybe he was right that bringing Lance around would only cause more harm than good. So I just nodded and forced a smile. JC turned back and headed for the garage door. I held my breath until I heard the mechanical sound of the garage door lift open, then let it out when the car started. He wouldn’t do what he’d done before. I would just tell myself that until I really believed it was true. At that moment, I heard Ryden whimper and quickly walked back into the living room.

I deftly lifted him out of his car seat and held him against me to nurse him. He whimpered until his mouth met my breast and hungrily began to suck at it. I rested my body against the couch and watched him. I wanted us to be the perfect little family I’d always envisioned and JC’s jealousy wasn’t going to help that dream become a reality. Obviously, I know now that there is no such thing as a perfect family. All families are dysfunctional. But I wanted Ryden to grow up not knowing how awful his parents had been towards each other. I wanted him to know he was conceived in love, not in lust, when I knew the truth.

“Bubby, you are mommy’s little angel, did you know that?” I cooed at him. His blue eyes met mine and he continued to suckle close to me. He was the first thing I ever wanted to protect and shield. I didn’t want him to know pain or harm and I was determined to keep him from it, as unrealistic as I knew that it was.

By the end of Ryden’s first month, I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept through the night since bringing him home from the hospital. JC could sleep right through his wails, but my mother’s instinct kicked in as soon as I heard anything on the baby monitor. But one night, I had been extremely out of it and slept through his screaming and it had woken up JC first.

“Addie! Ryden’s screaming. Get up and go feed him!” he was pushing on my arm and only then did I hear Ryden howling and sniffling through the monitor. “God, seriously, Addie! Make it stop!”

I rolled out of bed and stumbled in the dark room, angry at JC for not even going to get him for me. Walking into the nursery, I called his name softly and when I picked him up, he immediately began to calm down, knowing that he was getting fed soon.

“Hey bubby. I’m sorry I was late. Mama’s so tired cause I’m always taking care of you,” I looked down at him and tried to smile through my tiredness. I ignored the anger building up inside of me for what JC had just done. How hard would it have been for him to get out of bed and go and get our son for me? He knew that I was beyond drained of sleep and that every night before now I’d always gotten out of bed to feed the baby. Maybe it was all spoken in the middle of sleep. Maybe he hadn’t meant it the way it had come out. Making excuse after excuse was the only way I could get myself to think that JC wasn’t going to go back to his anger and abuse. He was tired. I was tired. I was hormonal. I could easily blow things out of proportion. Hell, maybe he hadn’t even said it as harshly as I’d thought.

“You sure were grumpy in the middle of the night,” I tried to tease him about it the next morning as he sipped his coffee and I nursed Ryden at the kitchen table.

“How the hell can you sleep through that baby monitor?” he didn’t look up from the newspaper.

“You seem to do it every other night,” I countered and JC shot me a glare.

“Well, last night he was louder than usual I guess,” he muttered and went back to his paper.

I looked down at Ryden and shifted him on my shoulder to burp. I rubbed his back and soon two little burps escaped his lips. “Good boy,” I pulled him away and grinned at him. “You sure are a cute little boy. I guess it comes from having such a hot looking daddy!” I looked at JC to see if he’d heard me, but he wasn’t paying any attention. “Are you okay?” I finally ventured to ask.

“I’m just trying to enjoy some peace and quiet while I read the paper, Addie,” his voice was mechanical and he hardly looked up while he spoke.

I bit on my lower lip and stood from the kitchen table, carrying Ryden into the living room. Sitting cross-legged on the couch, I held him against me and turned on the television, purposelessly flipping through TV channel after TV channel. I had discovered in the last month that nothing was really on at 7:30 in the morning except news shows or infomercials. Finally, I landed on Nickelodeon, which was showing an animated show I’d never seen or heard of before. I looked down at Ryden, who was staring at the screen.

“You like this, Ry?” I laid down on the couch and placed Ryden on his stomach across my chest. “Here we can watch this. Maybe Daddy will get in a better mood soon.” I said the last part under my breath as to not infuriate JC. I felt as if anything would set him off and I didn’t like that familiar pit in my stomach that had returned.

JC wandered into the living room and plopped down in the recliner across from me and Ryden. He looked at the television and then at me. “What is this shit?”

“I don’t know,” I replied, not bothering to look at him. “But it’s on and it’s not news and Ryden likes it.”

“He’s five weeks old. He has no idea what the hell he likes,” JC grabbed the remote and turned the channel. Ryden, as if on cue, began to whimper, then it turned into a full-fledged scream.

“DAMMIT!” JC threw the remote on the floor and I jumped up from the couch, with Ryden still sobbing in my arms, jolted by the anger in his father’s voice. “Shut him up, Addie! Have you nursed him?”

“That’s what I was doing in the kitchen about ten minutes ago!” I snapped at him. “What is wrong with you today?!”

“All he does is cry! I can’t do anything around my own damn house without him screaming!” JC was clutching the remote and I backed away, wondering if he was about to hurl it at me.

“He’s a baby. That’s kind of what they do!” I hissed at him and kissed Ryden’s cheek, trying to soothe him. “I’ll take him upstairs.” I said, hoping it would calm JC down.

I went into the bedroom and laid down on the bed, placing Ryden on my chest and holding him securely against me. “Shh, Ry-Ry. It’s ok. Daddy’s just having a bad day, that’s all. He loves us and he’ll be fine in a little bit.” My speech was more for me than for my son. I was once again trying to convince myself that JC wasn’t reverting, that he was fine and all was well between us. I felt the tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I didn’t wipe them away. Ryden’s sobs began to disperse and he finally calmed himself down and I watched his eyes flutter as he fell asleep. I moved him off of my chest and laid him next to me, wrapping my arm around his tiny body, protecting him and feeling myself protected by him for some reason.

The door to the bedroom opened and JC stood in the doorframe. I dared myself to look at him. He wore an expression of guilt and I suddenly felt relief course through my body. He walked over to the bed and laid down next to me, Ryden between us.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and reached over to touch my arm. “I didn’t mean it.”

I simply nodded and looked down at Ryden, who was now fast asleep. “You scared me,”

“I don’t want to lose you,” he leaned over to peck my lips. “And I don’t want to lose Ryden.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” I answered. I couldn’t go anywhere. I needed JC more than anything right now. And as much as he apologized for that morning and even though we made up, the familiar pit in my stomach didn’t go away for a while.

Truth be told, I was still scared of JC.