October 2001

Ryden had already been on the cover of four tabloids and somehow the media knew whenever one of us left the house with him. Of course them being camped out in JC’s front yard didn’t really help matters. Several of our friends had seen pictures of me putting Ryden in his car seat, a few of JC walking around the neighborhood with Ryden in his stroller, and plenty of both of us at the grocery store together. It was kind of ridiculous to me. Why did people care so much about our little boy? And it wasn’t even that they cared-they just wanted a glimpse of him. So, on this particular day, we had invited over Jen, Brooke, Chris, Joey, & Justin (Lance was not invited and I knew better than to even ask) and JC had agreed to do a spread for People magazine, with us both on the cover in a professional shot holding Ryden. The editor had told JC that the picture would be front page and the article would be titled “JC Chasez & Addie Parker: Being a Conventional Celebrity Family.” I had tried my best not to roll my eyes when JC told me about it. I think I knew that that day I wouldn’t get any verbal cruelty from him. He hadn’t hit me and the sex had been consensual whenever it had happened. But he sure knew how to make me feel like shit whenever he was mad at me. He never swore at Ryden, never threatened him. In fact, by all accounts, JC was a good father. Watching him with our son, I was never afraid that he’d hurt him. And he was never mean to me in public or when our friends came around. It was really only when Ryden woke JC up screaming in his crib that it was my fault. Or when he was hungry and I hadn’t been able to get to him fast enough. Or really whenever JC was mad about anything, it was my fault. I didn’t argue back. I didn’t want to go through what I’d gone through only a few months before. And as strange as it seems now, I liked what we had. Or I guess I’d just gotten used to what we had.

I had been trying to clean up as best as I could the day of the interview. Our friends were coming over an hour before the interviewer would be there so it would look more natural. The pool had been cleaned, JC’s maid had been by to clean that week, and the only thing left was to clear up a few baby items in the living room. Ryden had been asleep for a good part of the afternoon, which was a relief to me, because I could get more accomplished and even managed to sneak in a nap. I was in the kitchen showing the caterer where everything was when I heard Ryden start to wake. JC had been lying on the couch watching television and I knew better than to ask him to get the baby. Walking on eggshells had become routine.

“Addie!” JC called to me from the living room. I didn’t even respond, just apologized quickly to the caterer and dashed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Entering the nursery, I smiled down at my baby, who was on his stomach, his head raised and looking up at me with his big, blue eyes. To say that this baby belonged to JC Chasez was an understatement. He was the spitting image of his father through and through.

“Hi, bubby,” I greeted him, picking him up and cradling him against me. I knew in a few months, he’d be too squirrely to want to be cuddled and I wanted as much time with him like this as I could manage. “Did you have a good nap? I bet you are ready to eat, huh?” I looked at the clock above the crib and saw I had exactly twenty minutes before Chris and Jen and the others arrived. I sat down in the rocking chair and began to nurse him. He cooed at me, and his little hand rested next to his face as he hungrily ate.

“Are you dressed?” JC walked into the quiet room, startling Ryden, who jumped a little in my arms.

“I just need to change shirts,” I whispered, looking back down at the baby.

“How long will that take?” JC seemed exasperated and I tried not to get annoyed by it, but I knew he was getting in one of his irritable moods.

“As long as it takes,” I answered, not looking at him. “Ryden has to eat and then I can change.”

“You should’ve changed earlier,” he snapped at me and leaned against the doorframe.

“I was helping the caterer and cleaning the living room,” I could feel my heart pounding because this was exactly the kind of thing that set him off. I never could do anything right and he always had a better solution.

“Well, just don’t look like shit. This is a big deal, this magazine cover,” he informed me, and I finally looked at him and allowed myself to be exasperated.

“I realize that. But I had a lot to do this morning and I can’t help it that Ryden has to be fed right now. And since when do I ever look like shit when it comes to you getting publicity, honey?” I knew the last part was dripping with sarcasm but I was feeling just as tested as he was.

“Don’t start, baby,” he barked, and turned to leave the room, closing the door firmly behind him. This again caused Ryden to jump in my arms and I groaned, trying to soothe him.

“It’s okay, bubby. Mommy’s got you,” I knew better than to add that his daddy was a jerk and needed to chill out because there were baby monitors throughout the house and JC was liable to pick up any of the conversation. I finished nursing and changed Ryden into something that I knew would look good on a magazine cover. Walking into the bedroom, I laid him on the floor and went into the massive closet I now shared with JC.

“Wear something sexy,” his voice was in my ear in a matter of seconds. I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull me back against him.

“JC…” I tried to move away from him. He did this often after he snapped at me and would try to make up for it by seducing me.

“C’mon, Addie. We have time,” he reached down to pull my shirt over my head and then turned me around to face him. “Do you love me?”

“Yes,” I sighed and let him kiss me. “But I really don’t think we have time for this. I don’t want to be on the floor when everyone gets here. And Ryden’s watching.”

“He’s a baby, he doesn’t get it,” he whispered, backing me against the wall of the closet. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.” His fingers began to play with the clasp on my bra until I felt it open. “You’ll look sexy in anything you wear, honey.”

“I don’t think I’m supposed to be going for ‘sexy’ in this photo shoot,” I replied, as he hooked my thigh around his waist. I gave in and smiled at him, as I always did. He was easy to give into, even when he was an ass.

“Oh my goodness, Ryden, you are getting so big!” Jen said later that afternoon, as she held him. She and Chris were sitting together on the couch and she was holding him in a standing position. Ryden gurgled something at her and grinned. “Shit, Addie, he looks just like JC when he smiles!”

I looked over at JC and he was grinning proudly at our son. “Hell yes he does. Kid’s got some good genes,” he said, and waved at Ryden.

“You’re a cute little pooter!” Chris cooed at him and JC frowned.

“That’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard,” he told Chris and Chris rolled his eyes.

“Oh whatever. It’ll be my nickname for the little bit!” Chris took him from Jen and began to blow raspberries on his cheek, which made Ryden laugh heartily.

“Are we late?” I heard Brooke ask as she and Joey came into the living room. They each had a bottle of wine with them and a wrapped gift that they handed to me. “It’s his baby gift. I know it’s a few months late, but we just got around to it.” She looked over at Chris who had Ryden on his back in his lap and was tickling him. “Chris for god’s sake, you’re going to scare him. Hi, Ry-Ry! Come see Auntie Brookie!” Brooke swiftly took Ryden out of Chris’s arms and began to squeeze him close to her. “Whatever did we do without this little darling in our lives?”

I didn’t answer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my baby or wish him away. But without him, my life would’ve certainly gone in a different direction. I couldn’t escape the fame that came with having a celebrity’s kid. If Ryden weren’t around, I could’ve easily gone into oblivion, which would’ve been fine with me.

Jen saw my perplexed expression and immediately changed the subject. “So, what are we supposed to do when People gets here?”

“Just act natural,” JC answered, as he came over and stood next to me. “We have an interview with them and then they’re going to take pictures of us as a family and then with you guys.”

“Don’t you think they’re going to think it’s odd that you have all of us over except for Lance?” Joey asked the question that everyone else had been thinking. I sunk back and refused to make eye contact with anyone.

“He’s the last person that needs to be here,” JC retorted and nearly glared at his friend. “Don’t act like that’s not true!”

“Easy,” Chris breathed and looked at me. “We all get it. Joey’s only stating a fact. That’s all.”

I felt JC’s arm move around my waist and pull me towards him. “Anyway, just act like we always get together like this and anything you can say about what a cute family we are would be great.”

I caught Brooke’s eye and she shook her head at me. It was then that I realized we weren’t fooling anyone who was close to us. Brooke had never been an idiot when it came to JC’s and my relationship. She and Jen both knew that just because we had a baby together and were living together that he was exactly the same controlling, manipulative boyfriend he’d always been.

“Cute family,” Joey repeated, and I couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not. “Got it.”

“The party’s here,” Justin’s voice reverberated from the front door and I immediately saw Brooke literally sprint over to Joey. Justin walked in with Britney on his arm and smiled at everyone. “Sorry we were late. I hope we didn’t miss the interview or pictures.”

“Anything to get your ass in print,” I heard Brooke mutter under her breath.

“What did you say?” Justin snapped at her, but Joey pulled Brooke away. The only couple not causing tension was Jen and Chris, who looked amused by all that was going on in just a matter of minutes.

“There’s my little godson!” Justin walked over to Brooke and went to take Ryden out of her arms.

“He’s not your godson,” Brooke retorted, moving so that he couldn’t retrieve the baby.

“I’ll call him anything I want. I’ve known his dad a lot longer than anyone else!” Justin managed to pull Ryden out of Brooke’s embrace then looked over at me and JC. “This can’t be your kid, C. He’s way too quiet!” Justin was trying to break the ice but it was much too late. I began to wonder if having Lance here wouldn’t have been better, but of course kept my mouth shut.

At that moment, the doorbell rang and everyone began to disperse. Chris and Jen headed into the kitchen and made themselves comfortable with a plate of cheese and finger foods. Justin handed over Ryden to me and then he and Britney went outside and sat by the pool, their feet dangling in the water. Joey and Brooke followed Chris and Jen into the kitchen and sat down at the breakfast nook. I quickly made sure I looked okay and wiped off spittle from Ryden’s chin before following JC to the door.

The interview took place in the living room by a flamboyant writer named Greg Olsen, who was more than ecstatic to be asking us questions. He asked us how we fell in love, what happened in the months we were apart, what made our bond so strong, was Ryden a Daddy’s boy or a Mama’s boy, and each question JC answered with a huge exaggerated answer. I was finally asked how I was handling being with a superstar and if I missed the limelight of Three4One. I was honest in saying that all I cared about was being Ryden’s mother and was more than happy to choreograph in the future, should the opportunity ever come about again. Greg then went around the house with the photographer and took pictures of us with Ryden and then with our friends. At the end, he got me and JC on the couch, Ryden between us, and we smiled at the camera as one happy little family. The article would be the cover of next week’s magazine. Other celebrity families would be interviewed, but we were going to be the main focus.

“So, how much did you lie in that interview today?” Brooke asked bluntly, when she and Jen and I were sitting outside later that evening. The boys were upstairs in the game room shooting pool and Ryden had long gone to sleep after dinner.

“Brooke!” Jen groaned and rolled her eyes. “Leave it alone!”

“It’s fine,” I said to Jen, then turned to Brooke. “I was honest and told them that all I wanted to be was Ryden’s mother and that other stuff could come later.”

“And the abuse?” Brooke prodded, circling the rim of her wine glass with her finger. “Did that come up?”

“There’s not abuse!” I snapped and leaned back in my chair. “Things are better now!”

“I believed you for a split second,” Brooke replied. “But JC still gets that look in his eye and I know he’s about to explode.”

“Well, he didn’t explode,” I shook my head. “Did you see him explode? He’s fine!”

“He didn’t today,” Brooke continued. “But he was in rehab for, what, a month? No way he’s healed.”

“He hasn’t touched me or, or done anything I didn’t want!” I was raising my voice slightly. “He’s a good father, Brooke.”

“Just promise me you’ll let us know if he starts any shit again,” Brooke relented and touched my arm to calm me down.

“I will,” I looked away from her. I knew if I said anything else that I’d fess up to the verbal abuse. “But things are fine. He loves me and Ryden and he really is a good dad.”

At that moment, I heard Ryden began to stir through the baby monitor. “Sorry. I need to go feed him.” I excused myself and went inside, just as JC was coming out of the game room.

“He’s crying,” JC said from the top of the stairs.

“Which is why I came inside,” I answered, not looking at him. “I have the baby monitor outside with me.”

“We did good today,” he told me, as I climbed the stairs. “I think that was one of my best interviews yet.”

I could only force a tiny smile. We’d just lied to America about how “perfect” we were or so it seemed to me. No one knew that I got yelled at nine times out of ten. No one knew that JC was a manipulator and that I was his favorite victim. All they would know is that we portrayed a loving little family who had the guys of Nsync over all the time and that I was happier than ever before and living out a dream.

“Are you okay?” he asked, grabbing my arm.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Just tired. Lots of stuff going on today, you know?” I heard Ryden’s screams getting louder. “I better get to him.”

“Addie?” JC called to me, as I opened the door to the nursery. “You are happy with me, aren’t you?”

“As happy as I’ll ever be,” I replied. Because at that moment, I only assumed that this was as good as life got. Being a mom to a wonderful baby boy, but being in a relationship with someone that would constantly make me wonder if I was going to get pummeled at the end of it.