December 2001

In the last two months, I’d learned how to survive. I did what I could not to make JC upset and so far, nothing too terrible had happened. Of course there had been a few fights with him yelling at me and me ending up crying. But he always apologized and was always on his best behavior, especially whenever the other guys or Brooke or Jen were around. The abuse –though at the time I wouldn’t have called it that – was more or less just verbal. He’d still not hit me, still not forced me into having sex, and despite the fact that there were plenty of times I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him, I felt like we were beginning to really find a rhythm to our life together with Ryden. I’d only seen Lance briefly in the last six months and even when JC had decided for us to host Thanksgiving, Lance had opted out. I later found out he wasn’t invited. I didn’t dare bring any of it up to JC. I knew it would only make him mad and the less I could do that, the better it was for both me and Ryden.

The guys were gearing up for their next leg of the tour after Christmas and Brooke and Jen had just gone back into the studio with Kaitlyn to record again. Their group had gotten some widespread attention and they had a huge following in Orlando, but there were a ton of other girl groups around and I’d over heard Brooke telling Jen that she was thinking of going solo if the next record didn’t take off. Johnny and I had been discussing my working with a new girl group he’d discovered. They were called Lucky and there were five girls ranging in age from 13-18. The oldest, Carmen, wasn’t much younger than me and the one time I’d met them, I secretly wished I could be 18 again. I was 20 now but I felt like I was already in my thirties. I’d seen too much and had to grow up way too fast. JC hadn’t been too fond of me choreographing for Lucky, but Johnny basically told him he didn’t really have a say. Johnny had promised he’d look out for me and help me survive and even though we were certainly living fine on JC’s salary, I knew deep down that if anything happened, I’d be out on the street with the baby. This ensured me a salary and one that I could live on if JC decided to go back to his old ways. I’m pretty sure Johnny knew that from the beginning. He hadn’t been exactly ecstatic when I’d taken JC back, but he’d told me that he was glad we were at least learning to be a family together. We’d let go of my apartment and all of my stuff had been moved in to JC’s house. I referred to it as “ours” now because more and more, it was beginning to feel like mine, too.

Ryden was my world and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything without him. He was six months now and had begun the first few stages of crawling, he was starting to eat more solid foods, and he was talking to himself a lot more in babble. JC was a good father and he loved Ryden, but there were plenty of times when Ryden would get fussy that it became my responsibility to comfort him. That was fine with me. I loved nothing more than soothing him, even when his screams would get so loud I thought I might go deaf. He looked more and more like JC – with my eyes, so Jen said – but he had the sweetest demeanor of any baby I’d ever been around. Granted, I hadn’t been around many, but most of them had whined and cried. Ryden seemed not to be bothered by little things. When he was hungry he ate, when he was tired, he slept.

“JC bought you a ring,” Brooke told me one afternoon when she’d dropped by the house. It was a few weeks before Christmas and our house was decked out due to the help of a decorator JC had hired. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I was feeding Ryden in his high chair. He had just mastered sitting up and the high chair was my new favorite thing for him. I could put him in it and go about cleaning the kitchen without having to constantly carry him or look in on him in the living room. Ryden was fussy that day and I was having a hard time feeding him his apricots. I already had several spots on my shirt because of him throwing his little hand towards me and Brooke had received a handful of them on her shoulder.

“He did? Ry, c’mon. I know you’re hungry!” I was beginning to get frustrated as Ryden let out a whimper and pushed the spoon away from his mouth. I turned back to Brooke. “How do you know?”

“He told Joey and Joey told me of course,” Brooke replied and moved her chair slightly away from the action of the baby and his food. She watched me and then spoke again. “What are you gonna say if he asks you?”

I didn’t answer right away. I wiped off Ryden’s hands and mouth, to which he let out a wail, and then lifted him out of the high chair. “I don’t know,” I was being honest. Marrying JC had never really been something that I thought would happen. Partly because I didn’t think he really wanted to get married and partly because I didn’t know if we even really loved each other.

“Good,” Brooke crossed her legs and rested her chin on her hand. “You don’t need to marry him.”

“Just because you don’t ever want to get married doesn’t mean I don’t want to,” I retorted, going over to the sink and taking off the wet bib from Ryden’s neck.

“I didn’t say you didn’t want to marry him. I’m just glad you didn’t say ‘yes’ when I asked you. I think you both need to really see what’s going to happen before you jump into a long-term commitment,” Brooke said.

“We’ve lived together since before Ryden was born,” I reminded her. “It’s not that I don’t want to marry him, it’s just that I don’t know if I’m ready. Or if he loves me.”

“Has he told you?” she asked me, sipping on her coffee.

He told me all the time, especially in bed. We weren’t really that couple that said it to each other lovingly all the time. In fact, whenever he told me he loved me, I would automatically respond that I loved him, too.

“Of course,” I carried Ryden back over to the kitchen table and sat down across from Brooke. “I just don’t know. Most girls my age are in college and doing that kind of stuff.” I sat down in the chair across from Brooke, bouncing Ryden on my lap. “Things are getting better between us.”

“I don’t believe you,” Brooke said flatly. “Thanksgiving was rough and you know it, Addie. You were constantly looking at him like he’d burst if you did something wrong. I know he yells at you. I don’t know about the other stuff, but-“

“Baby, I’m home!” I heard the garage door open, then JC’s footsteps down the hall, and I shook my head at Brooke to tell her to quiet down. She rolled her eyes and casually changed the subject to Ryden’s apricots.

“They look like orange puke. I wouldn’t eat them,” Brooke motioned towards the left over mashed apricots.

“He usually likes them. I guess he’s just not that hungry. Are you not hungry, bubby?” I stood him on my lap and he reached out to grab my chin. I kissed his fingers that were splayed on my lips and he giggled at me.

“Hi,” JC walked into the kitchen and threw the keys on the counter, then came over to me and Ryden and Brooke. He glanced at Brooke, said a casual hello, then leaned over to peck my cheek. “Hi, bubby boy. Are you being good for mama?” He took the baby from me. “So, looks like we’re all going on vacation in a few weeks.”  He looked at me and then at Brooke and back to me.

“Vacation?” I asked him. “Where? And who’s ‘we’?”

“Johnny wants all the guys to go up to some remote cabin he’s got in North Carolina before the tour starts. All significant others are invited. So I’m assuming, Brooke, that means you and Jen will be going with us,” JC walked over to the refrigerator with Ryden and pulled a beer out of the side door. “We leave the day after Christmas.”

“You don’t sound too excited,” Brooke put in. “Something the matter with this? It sounds pretty great.”

I knew exactly what the matter was. Lance would be going and JC had made it a point to keep Lance as far away from me as possible. This time, he couldn’t do it because it was a mandatory vacation or so it sounded like. I said nothing, only began to clean up from Ryden’s lunch.

“There’s just some shit that’s better left unsaid,” JC muttered, and I could feel him eyeing me. I ignored it and pretended to be engrossed with cleaning mashed apricots off the kitchen table. I heard Ryden cooing softly and continued what I was doing.

“Huh. Well, whatever. I think it sounds like a great idea,” Brooke stood to leave and began to grab her purse. “Addie, I need to get going. We have a meeting with Johnny later today about the new album.” She reached over to hug me and I wished she wasn’t leaving. I could already sense JC’s bad mood and knew it would be taken out on me once she left. I was already devising a plan to escape the kitchen and find something to keep me occupied once she was gone.

“I’m glad you came over,” I squeezed her and let go. She looked over at JC and Ryden. “ ‘Bye Ry! Be good for your mom and dad. Bye JC.” Brooke gave him a short wave. She would never be fond of him and he would never be fond of her. I walked her to the front door and waved to her once more before closing it and turning to head upstairs. I had already planned on cleaning out Ryden’s old onesies he’d outgrown. Anything not to have to bring up the conversation about the house in North Carolina.

“So,” I heard JC’s voice the minute my foot touched the first step. I sighed and turned to face him. Ryden was fixated on the necklace JC was wearing and was busy tugging at it. “You realize what this little trip means, don’t you?”

I nodded my head and didn’t say anything. He would do all the talking. Anything I said wouldn’t matter.

“You just make sure you don’t do any sneaking off this time,” he snapped and I let out a sigh of frustration.

“JC, I’m with you. We have a baby together. I-“

“That didn’t stop you last time from being his little fuck buddy,” he argued and took a step closer to the stairs.

I swallowed hard and bit my lower lip. “It-It was different, JC. It’s you I want. I’m not going to leave you. I promise. I want to raise Ryden with you,” and that part was true. I wanted to Ryden to have a normal upbringing with both of his parents, even if it drove me crazy while I did it.

“I already told Johnny I wasn’t too happy about this little arrangement. He’s doing it so we can all reconcile or whatever. Justin and Joey are still pissed at each other over Brooke and I won’t mention the whole thing with Lance,” he began to walk up to the step where I was standing until he was one above and looking down at me. “Was he really that good, Addie? Did he really make you do what I make you do?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. Sex with Lance had been completely different than sex with JC. In those last few weeks before I’d slept with Lance, all JC wanted were quickies and he didn’t care if I wanted it or not. Lance had been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I couldn’t tell JC that. I didn’t dare tell him. I shook my head and forced a smile. “JC, baby, that was months ago. I’m with you now and it’s you I want to be with,” I reached over and touched his hand but he jerked it away.

“It just pisses me off thinking that I lost that time with you because of him,” he looked at me, bitterness written all over his face. “And now we have to go and share a house with him for a damn week.”

“It’ll be fine,” my voice was hoarse and I had to clear my throat because I’d been afraid to speak. “Really, JC, it’ll be ok.”

He said nothing, only turned with Ryden and walked ahead of me on the stairs. I watched him walk into our bedroom and shut the door behind him. Fine, if he was going to ignore me or be mad at me, then I’d let him. Not to mention, I’d been with Ryden all day and maybe he just wanted some time to himself with our baby. I went into the nursery and began to open drawers in Ryden’s dresser. I carefully began to take out a few items that he’d worn when he’d been a newborn and placed them on the dresser. In a few minutes, I’d cleaned out the first two drawers and I was working on the third when JC walked into the room with Ryden at his hip.

“Do you love me?” he asked me, catching me off guard.

“What?” I looked up at him, holding two pairs of pajamas from Ryden’s newborn days. “Why are you asking me that?” I remembered what Brooke said about the ring. I remembered the questions from earlier that day.

“Because I want to know if you love me. Really love me. Or are you just shacking up here because you know I can pay your bills?” his voice was harsh and cold.

“Of course I love you,” I told him, not really believing myself or knowing if it was true or not. “I’m not here for your bill paying or whatever. I’m here because I want to be and I thought you wanted me here, too!” I was beginning to wonder if he had decided he didn’t love me and was ready for me to go. Or if this was just his way of proposing? Either way, I didn’t like it but I didn’t retaliate.

JC walked over to the crib and placed Ryden in it. The baby immediately wanted out and began to whimper and soon it turned into a full-fledged cry. I stood up and JC grabbed my arm and yanked me towards him. “Don’t fuck with me, Addie. If you love me, tell me. If you love me, don’t act like you are surprised that this little mountain trip isn’t going to be an issue!”

Ryden’s sobs got louder and I looked over at him, trying to calm him down by whispering to him but JC tugged at my arm again. “Ow!” I cried out, but JC didn’t release his grip. “JC, please, you know I love you! And I promise this whole trip will be fine because I’m gonna be with you and Ryden the whole time!”

He let go of my arm and I looked at the finger marks left across it. We faced each other for a minute and I didn’t know what to expect. He hadn’t hurt me in a long time. Not since before Ryden was born. I looked again at my arm and then back at him. His face showed no signs of remorse until I began to rub my arm and move towards the crib. “Did-did I hurt you, Addie?” he asked, his tone softer.

“Yeah,” I sniffed and reached for Ryden who was screaming by now. “Hey, bubby, it’s ok. Mama’s got you. Shh. Don’t cry baby boy,” I held him close to me and looked at JC. “I don’t like you when you get like this.” It was the first time I was honest with him since moving into his house. “I’m not out for your money or whatever. And I’m not with Lance. I’m with you. And I know we slept together and we dated and all that but that’s over now. I can’t force you believe me, JC.” I went to walk out of the room and JC stopped me at the door.

“Don’t tell anyone that this happened. They’ll think I’ve gone crazy again,” he touched my cheek with his finger and traced over my jawline. “I know I get a little upset but I just want us to work out this time.”

I nodded, my arm still throbbing. He was right. If I said anything, he was sure to get taken back to rehab and they’d make me put another restraining order on him.

The next incident happened two days before Christmas. I’d been out with Ryden doing last minute grocery shopping and JC had gone to a meeting before I left that morning. His parents were coming over for Christmas dinner and even though his mother had told him she’d make the dinner, I still wanted to contribute something. I hadn’t really ever gotten to know his parents except at the hospital and the few times they’d come over to see Ryden. They were really great people and I sometimes wondered if they knew just how much I went through living with their son. I knew they were aware of the restraining order and of our past break-up but they’d said nothing to me about any of that and I certainly wasn’t going to bring it up.

When I came home from the store, I noticed an unfamiliar car in the driveway. JC hadn’t mentioned anything about having people over, at least that I could recall. I unbuckled Ryden from his car seat and skillfully grabbed the two grocery bags from the trunk. I was able to open the door to the garage and walked in, immediately hearing JC’s laugh along with a female voice. I stopped in the hallway before continuing into the kitchen.

“…so good to finally see you again,” the female voice said. “I’ll have to come back again.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure,” JC replied. I walked into the kitchen and set the groceries on the counter and then went into the living room. The female was a tall blonde, older than me, and she had her hand on JC’s shoulder in a way that sent my blood boiling.

“Hi,” I said almost icily, not caring if JC saw just how mad I was.

“Oh, Leah, this is my girlfriend, Addie. And this is Ryden,” JC walked over to me and took Ryden out of my arms. “Isn’t he handsome? Looks a lot like me so I hear.”

“He’s adorable!” Leah gasped and pinched Ryden’s cheek. I stood there and watched, suddenly feeling as though I was incredibly alone. “Joshie, he’s the spitting image of you!” She looked over at me and gave me a fake smile. “Cute baby.”

“Thanks,” I answered, shortly. I looked over at JC. “I need to change him.” I didn’t hesitate and immediately took Ryden from JC, not bothering to say anything to Leah before I headed upstairs. I could feel myself shaking as I changed Ryden’s diaper and had to take a few deep breaths to compose myself before picking him up again.

“What the hell was that?!” JC stormed into Ryden’s room just as I’d finished changing him. “Why were you such a bitch downstairs?”

“Who was that woman?” I asked him, my voice shaking. I picked Ryden up and held him close to me, daring JC to take him from me or come any closer.

“She was an old friend from when I worked at Disney!” JC raised his voice. “Who did you think she was?!”

“She was touching you and barely said anything to me!” I felt myself tearing up and tried to control my wobbly voice.

“Oh, I’m sorry. So you can fuck whoever you want when we’re together but I can’t have other women touching me? Seriously, Addie?!” JC came right in front of me. “Don’t act like a little bitch, Addie. She wasn’t doing anything. She was here to talk about her album she was working on!”

“It just looked funny to me,” I replied and turned away from him, but he had my arm in that familiar grip again. I looked at Ryden and then at him to try to give him a hint but he didn’t care.

“Funny? Let’s talk funny, baby. You and me are spending a week with the man who essentially broke us up and you were fucking long before that happened!” he was yelling now and Ryden broke into sobs.

“Stop it!” I finally stood up to him. I finally yelled back at him. And it only made it worse. Ryden screamed from the shouting. I managed to push past JC and tried to make it to our bedroom. I knew he was furious.

“No!” JC beat me to the bedroom door and shut it before I could get there. He towered over me and grabbed Ryden from me. His hand came across my cheek so hard that it knocked the wind out of me. I fell back onto the floor and didn’t move. Not because I couldn’t, but because I was afraid to. The one thing I had dreaded and had most prayed wouldn’t happen, happened. I broke into sobs and pulled my knees up to my chest.

“Why do you do that?” I heard myself asking through sobs. “You want me to stay here with you. You want me to love you. And all this time I’ve been terrified that you’d do exactly what you just did.” I could feel him standing above me but I didn’t look up. I wanted to console my son, who was still wailing. I wanted to take it all back and maybe just pretend that I wasn’t upset about seeing him with another woman downstairs. “You cheated on me, too, JC. I know you did. So maybe we are both to blame. I am not going to run to Lance next week. I just want it to be okay again.”

He slid down onto the floor and sat across from me. My head was bowed on my knees and I couldn’t see him, but I heard him soothing Ryden and soon the baby’s cries ceased and turned into hiccups. I looked up and wiped the tears from my eyes, touching my cheek where he’d hit me.

“Addie,” he reached for me but I recoiled. “Baby, c’mon. I didn’t mean it. I-I just got mad that you thought I was cheating on you.”

I was silent and stared into the distance, not looking at him.

“Talk to me,” he whispered, reaching over and touching my knee. “Please, Addie. You know I don’t mean it when I get like that.”

I sniffed and wiped away a tear, still not looking at him. My cheek was stinging and I knew there would be a handprint mark for the rest of the day. I finally willed myself to look at him, but I still said nothing. He knew what was at stake if I said anything and I knew that that was what he was worried about. “I know,” I lied, and wiped my nose on the sleeve of my shirt.

“You’re not going to –“ he started but I cut him off.

“No, I’m not going to say a word,” I mumbled and stood up, leaving him in the hallway with Ryden.