The cabin that I had imagined and the actual cabin we were staying in – if you could even call it a cabin – were completely different. When I had heard we were staying in a cabin, I pictured something that looked like your typical log cabin. What we were staying in was basically a chalet mansion that overlooked the Smoky Mountains in a remote area of North Carolina. The only thing cabin-like about it was the décor, which was rustic with lots of browns and cranberry colored furniture and adornments. There were eight bedrooms and five bathrooms, a Jacuzzi on the back porch, and a view that went on for miles of the mountains outside every window. The main living room took up most of the first part of the first floor and had comfortable couches, a large screen TV, and was as cozy as it could be for as large as it was.

JC and I were staying in the Master bedroom because everyone had agreed that we took up the most space with a baby. JC made sure that we were as far away as possible from Lance and his new girlfriend, Melissa. I knew that the reason for this trip was for reconciliation, but so far, JC wasn’t doing anything to hint around that he was going to let it happen. Joey and Justin on the other hand had been cordial to one another and I’d heard them talking about going on a run together the first day we had settled into the cabin. I didn’t dare mention that to JC. He’d been on edge ever since he’d hit me a few weeks prior to the trip. And since that day, I’d gone into a shell of myself and not said much to him or anyone. I did what I could to bring about peace, but I couldn’t fix the situation that way. The only way to fix anything was to leave him altogether and I knew I couldn’t do that.

I woke up our second morning there upon hearing Ryden babbling in his pop up crib, which we’d put in the walk-in closet. He liked to talk to himself now when he woke up and would coo and laugh until one of us – usually me – went to get him. Normally, he’d let me sleep til about 7:00, but on that particular day, he woke up at 6:00. It was still dark outside and the sun had yet to even peek behind the mountains. I looked over at JC who was sound asleep and not budging. The night before I’d stayed up late with him and Justin to watch a movie and we hadn’t gotten to bed until well after midnight. It was a decision I was regretting now that I was being awakened by my six-month-old. I swung my legs over the bed and got up slowly, a part of me hoping Ryden would let himself go back to sleep. I knew him too well, though, and knew that he was going to be awake for another hour or at least until he was fed.

“You should be sleeping, bubby,” I whispered to him, as I lifted him out of his crib.

He grinned at me and giggled. He was the happiest baby in the morning, if not all the time. I took him back to the bed and started to nurse him. I could feel my eyes growing heavy as the baby ate and it was all I could do to stay awake. I kept checking to see if his eyes were closing at all, but they remained opened and glued to me. When he was finished, I burped him and then went to take him back to his crib. He could at least play with a few toys that were in there with him.

I’d just made it back to the bed when he let out a loud sob that immediately woke JC up. He rolled over quickly and looked at me glaringly. “Why the hell is he up so early? Go feed him,” he muttered and turned over again.

“I just did!” I snapped, not caring how I sounded. I huffed as I got up once more and went back into the walk-in closet. Ryden was pulling himself up and looking at me helplessly. “Come on, Ryden. Let’s go downstairs.” I made sure to shut the door loudly enough for JC to hear it. I was sure I’d pay for that later, but at that moment, I hadn’t cared. I was just as tired as JC was and now I had to leave the comforts of a warm bed so that our baby didn’t disturb him.

Everything downstairs was silent. Nobody else was awake at that ungodly hour. I sat on the couch, holding Ryden against me and hoping he’d fall asleep again. He was squirming in my arms and out of fear that he might scream and wake up everyone else, I put him on the floor and let him crawl around for a little while. I leaned back against the sofa and tried my best not to let my eyes close. I had a sinking feeling that I’d be up for a few hours before Ryden decided he was tired again. He crawled towards me and put his hands up to me.

“Now you want Mama to hold you?” I reached down to pick him up and he cooed at me. “Why can’t you fall asleep again, huh?” Ryden was more interested in trying to balance himself standing on my lap than anything else. Then he began to bounce up and down and giggled loudly. “Shh, if you wake daddy up you and I are both in for it,” I whispered, looking up to double -check the distance from the stairs to our bedroom. Once more I tried to coerce him into cuddling with me. He fought me at first but then relented and reached up to pull on a strand of my hair. I watched his eyes flutter once or twice, then he stared off into space for a few minutes.

“Hey,”

My heart skipped and I looked over to see Lance standing at the bottom of the stairs. He was in long pajama pants and a white undershirt. He walked over to me and Ryden and upon hearing Lance’s footsteps, Ryden lifted his head from the crook of my arm and looked at Lance.

“He’s beautiful, Addie,” Lance said, as he sat down in the armchair across from me.

“Thanks,” I smiled and looked back down at Ryden who was sucking on his fist and staring at Lance. “I’m trying to get him to go back to sleep again. What are you doing awake?”

Lance shrugged. “Melissa takes up most of the bed. I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d come downstairs and see what was on television,”

I shifted on the couch with the baby. “I’m hoping he’ll fall asleep soon so I can take him back upstairs,”

“I can wait to turn on the television,” Lance replied. He watched me kiss Ryden’s cheek and cradle him close to me. “How have you been? How is…everything?” I knew what he meant but I wasn’t going to give him too much information.

“We’re great,” I forced a smile, thinking about how JC had pushed me out of bed a few minutes ago. “Just adjusting to life with a baby.”

Lance nodded and eyed me almost suspiciously. “You’re really okay, Addie? You and JC are –“

“Me and JC are doing fine,” I cut him off. “He’s a great father.”

“You know if anything ever, I mean, if he…I’m here for you is all I’m trying to say,” Lance told me, as he leaned closer to the couch.

“I know,” I said. “But things are fine. Really.” Ryden was nearly asleep in my arms. He gave a few small grunts and let out a little sigh as he drifted off to sleep. I slowly stood up from the couch. That was when I noticed the baby monitor still left in its place by the couch from the night before when we’d been watching a movie. I knew if JC had heard my conversation with Lance, he would be livid. I could only hope and pray that the was still asleep when I got back to our room. “I’m going to take him back to bed. It was good to talk to you, Lance.” I quickly made my way to the stairs.

“Yeah, you too,” he whispered. I could feel his eyes on me as I started up the stairs to the second floor.

Opening the door, I saw JC still asleep on his stomach and let out a sigh of relief. Surely if he’d heard me, he would’ve met me at the door and let me have it. I placed Ryden in his crib and made sure he was fast asleep before crawling into bed again. I lied on my side, my body away from JC and closed my eyes.

“I heard you. On the baby monitor. I heard you talking to Lance,” JC’s voice whispered into my ear and I jolted myself up and turned hurriedly towards him.

“JC, it wasn’t anything. He, he came downstairs and I was there with Ryden,” I knew protesting wasn’t going to do any good. JC roughly cupped my face in his hands.

“You could’ve left, Addie. Or told him to leave,” he forced me to look into his eyes and all I saw was a glaring anger in him ready to explode.

And this week was to have been about reconciliation.

Normally, I let him hit me. I let him do what he needed to do to get his anger out. But instead, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed his mouth hard. “No, JC. Don’t get upset. You know it’s always gonna be you. You know that. I don’t love Lance. I love you,” I kissed his cheek, his neck, his forehead, and straddled him, hoping he would return my affection..or whatever it was that I was trying to do to him.

“Whoa,” he was taken by surprise at my actions and I knew he would be. I was being aggressive and he liked it because he started kissing me back. I felt the stubble from his cheek scrape against me. He soon became aroused and instead of throwing me down so that he was on top, he let me continue straddling him and watched me take control. “What’s gotten into you?” he groaned, as I nipped at his neck. I had to admit, even I was getting turned on and I liked it. I was also somewhat proud of the fact that I had caused a diversion so quickly and instead of being slapped and hit, I was showing him that I was all about him.

“You. I want you to get into me,” I locked eyes with him and he chuckled at my pun. “All into me, Jace.” I kissed him hard on the mouth once more and bit down on his lower lip.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” he settled me in between his legs and watched as I came down on him.

“I want you to know how much I love you,” I told him, moving with him. I placed my hands on his shoulders to balance myself and looked down at him. His face was a mixture of confusion and pleasure all rolled into one. “I don’t want anyone…anyone but you. I never loved Lance, Jace. It was always you.”

“Holy….” he couldn’t finish his sentence because he was already at the cusp of his orgasm. I moved with him faster and harder and said his name over and over again. “Addie…damn.” He fell back against the sheets and held my thighs, watching me as I let go and clung to him as I did. I didn’t move, just laid there on top of him, breathing heavily and kissing him sloppily on his collarbone. Finally, I moved away and looked over at him.

“Don’t doubt me, okay?” I told him, reaching over to stroke his cheek gently. “You don’t have to hurt me because I’m not going to leave you.”

“I wasn’t going to –“ he started but I shook my head.

“Yes, you were. I knew it the minute I saw your face, JC. We have Ryden to think about. It’s not just about me and you anymore,” I watched his expression go from uncertainty to what I took to be an understanding. “This week is about all of us resolving everything. So can you resolve whatever it is you have with Lance? Please?”

“No,” he said softly and moved closer to me, rubbing my arm. “But I will try, okay? I just don’t want to lose you.”

“Getting angry at me isn’t how you keep me around,” I told him, honestly.

He was quiet, pulling me into his arms and holding me tight. I could hear his heart beating against my ear and lips rested against my forehead. He was quiet and soon I felt his grip loosen and his breathing becoming steady. He was asleep. I let out a sigh of relief and closed my eyes as well, hoping that everything was going to be okay from now on.

Later on in the day, I felt like things were finally peaceful again. Joey, Justin, and JC had gone into town to grocery shop and were going to make everyone hamburgers that evening. Jen, Brooke, and I spent most of the day in our pajamas passing Ryden around and catching up on gossip with each other. Melissa later joined us but it was a little awkward, especially knowing that she knew I was Lance’s ex. Lance and Chris had been in and out most of the day either sleeping or playing something on PlayStation. I was feeling much more at ease with everything. That is until Lance had pulled me aside before dinner that evening.

“I heard you on the baby monitor,” he told me, his eyes boring holes into mine. “I know I should’ve turned it off and I don’t want you to think I’m a pervert, but I heard you when you told JC you never loved me. And as much as that hurt, what hurts even more is that you basically seduced him so he wouldn’t hit you. Is that how you’re going to live out the rest of your life? Ducking every time he hits? You can’t run from it. That’s all I’m going to say. He is going to hurt you one day and it might be too late. As much as it hurt me to hear what you said, I’m more worried that you’re not going to listen and it’s going to hurt you and Ryden in the end,” he watched and waited for me to say something. “I don’t believe you love him. I don’t think you know what you need or want. I think you want a father for Ryden and stability. Just remember what he did to you, Addie. Remember you ended up in the hospital twice. Remember that he didn’t want Ryden at first. And remember who it was that took care of you then.”

“Lance – “ I started to say.

“Addie! Come in here,” JC was calling me from the kitchen.

“Go on,” Lance prodded me. “We can talk later.”

I walked into the kitchen and JC was holding Ryden on his hip. “Hey, where’d you go? I want everyone to hear this.”

“I was –“

“Guys shut up for a minute. I have something to say to Addie and I want y’all to hear!” JC called out. Brooke and Jen eyed me but I shrugged at them and looked back at JC. I looked around the room. Jen was standing next to Brooke and their boyfriends were on either side. Lance came in from the hallway and joined Melissa. Justin folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall of the kitchen. Everyone was waiting for JC to continue.

“I know me and Addie have been through a lot and unfortunately, you’ve all seen that,” he started. “But tonight, I want to show you all just how much I love Addie Parker.” I suddenly remembered the ring that Brooke had mentioned. I glanced over at her and she mouthed to me, “The ring!” I just nodded and looked back at JC. He got down on one knee, his arm was around Ryden and he was balancing the baby on his leg. Reaching behind him, he pulled out a ring box and I knew then what was going to happen. He looked up at me and the ring box popped open and in it was the biggest diamond I’d ever laid eyes on. “Addie, you know how much you mean to me. You put up with so much and I couldn’t do this parenting thing without you. So, baby, will you marry me?”

I was speechless. I knew Jen and Brooke were boring holes into me but I couldn’t turn my head because I felt frozen. My mouth was dry. I knew I had to say yes. He had asked me in front of everyone and even though they knew all he’d put me through, they knew I had to say yes as well.

“Yes,” I replied, softly. “Yes, JC, I’ll marry you.”

Because I had no other choice. Because earlier that morning I’d somehow managed to talk him out of hurting me. Because we had a baby together.

Because …. Because I just didn’t feel like I deserved any better and when you’ve been through what I went through with someone like JC Chasez, saying ‘yes’ to a marriage proposal in front of all of your friends was the safest way to keep him calm.