February 2002

Bliss lasted the rest of the month. In fact, by the middle of January, I was feeling more or less like a normal couple. JC hadn’t lost his temper with me in weeks and even Brooke and Jen had noticed a significant difference whenever they were around us. He was happy and attentive to both me and Ryden and he made me laugh a lot. I spent three days a week choreographing for Lucky, the band that Johnny had hooked me up with. JC was in and out of rehearsals for the next leg of their tour, which took place in March and Jen and Brooke were promoting their new album with Kaitlyn. I was beginning to adjust to this new life and rather liked the busyness I was experiencing. Ryden came with me to rehearsals and the girls in Lucky oohed and aahed over him, always telling me how they envied me being engaged to JC Chasez and having his baby. I guess I was to be envied. Months before, I wouldn’t have felt that way, but for some reason, he was different and I just assumed it was because we were engaged and were finally learning how to live with one another.

I wish it had been that simple.

“Okay, girls, it looks really good!” I told the three members of Lucky, on our next to last day of choreography. “You guys are doing awesome. We’ll go through it again on Saturday.” I looked at my watch and saw that it was nearing 6:00 and I wanted to get home to start dinner. In the last month or so, I’d started cooking a lot more. Brooke had teased me and said that I was becoming a “little wifey” but I didn’t care. I enjoyed cooking for JC and slipping into the new role of being a fiancé.

“Thanks, Addie!” Sydnee, the youngest member of the group, called to me as I put Ryden in his car seat and began to walk out. “See you later! Tell JC hi for me!” Sydnee was a huge Nsync fan and Johnny had them on the roster to open up for them later in the tour.

I waved to them again and left, feeling excited about getting home to JC. I’d already decided to try out a new salmon recipe that I’d found and had gone shopping earlier in the week to get the ingredients. I’d planned on going home, talking with JC, getting Ryden fed, and starting dinner. Maybe watching a movie afterwards and snuggling on the couch with my fiancé. I was happier than I’d been in a long time and even the traffic on the way home didn’t bother me. By the time I pulled into the neighborhood I was giddy with excitement. Things were finally the way I’d wanted and hoped for so long.

And then I saw the car in the driveway. Leah’s car. And my heart sank.

It was nothing. I kept trying to tell myself that as I got Ryden out of the car. She was an old friend. And I wasn’t going to bring it up to him because even though he hadn’t lost his temper with me in a while, I still wasn’t going to risk it. I’d be cordial. I’d be nice to her. I walked into the kitchen and didn’t hear anything. It was almost too quiet but I didn’t give into suspicion just yet.

“Daadaa,” Ryden cooed.

“I know, I’d like to know where he is too, Ry,” I kissed his cheek and put my bag down in the hallway by the kitchen. My stomach felt twisted inside. I looked out back and it was empty. Going back to the garage, I double- checked to see that both of JC’s cars were still intact. So maybe they’d gone somewhere with Justin? He’d also been a friend of Leah’s from back in the Disney days. I couldn’t shake the feeling in my stomach and headed up the stairs. My heart beat faster as I approached our bedroom. He wouldn’t do this to me. He wouldn’t.

“Shit!” JC jumped out of bed when I opened the door. Leah had been beneath him. They were right in the middle of sex.

I stood there in shock. I didn’t know what to do first. Ryden gleefully called out to JC but I turned and left before he could call for him again. Tears welled up in my eyes and I was sobbing before they came down my cheeks. I ran to Ryden’s room and shut the door, locking it behind me and sliding down onto the floor, Ryden still in my arms.

“Daadaa!” Ryden kept calling and began to get fussy, struggling to get out of my arms. He crawled onto the floor and over to his toy box, immediately pulling out one of his plush animals. I barely noticed anything. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t even think. I heard commotion out in the hallway. Leah was yelling at JC and JC kept telling her to “get out” and “shut the fuck up.” My heart raced and I sucked in breath after breath trying to control my breathing.

“Addie!” I heard him shouting for me, but I didn’t answer back. I moved away from the door and over to Ryden, who was rolling on the floor with a toy in his arms. JC began to beat on the door and Ryden sat up and crawled over towards it.

“Daadaa!” Ryden giggled and pressed his hand on the door.

“Open the door, Addie. Please. I can explain!” JC called, pounding on the door.

Ryden looked at the door and then at me. He pulled himself up to a standing position and balanced himself with both hands on the door. He was knocked over in seconds by how hard JC was knocking with his fist. His face twisted into what I knew would soon be a loud wail and sure enough, he began to cry. I stood and went over to him, picking him up and soothing him quietly.

“Addie! Addie!” JC was almost screaming but I didn’t answer. Ryden’s cries didn’t cease and soon it was as though father and son were having a competition to see who could be louder. My head began to throb and I finally gave up and went to the door, unlocking it. JC stood on the other side, out of breath. Ryden, upon seeing his father, reached for him and JC took him, still not taking his eyes off of me. I didn’t say anything. The sobs escaping my lips said enough. For a minute, we just stood there looking at each other, while Ryden busied himself by tugging on JC’s hair, his nose, and his ear.

“Addie, please, listen to me,” he reached for me with his free arm that wasn’t holding onto our son. “Baby, it meant nothing. She meant nothing.”

I pushed past him and walked to our bedroom. I had no idea what I was going to do next. I felt him behind me but I said nothing. I didn’t want to go near our bed because it had been tainted with his sex with that slut. I just looked at it, the mess of covers, and looked back at him.

“How long have you been doing this?” I finally spoke, my voice was hoarse.

“It was just this one time, baby. I swear,” JC was standing next to me, but I couldn’t look at him.

“I don’t believe you,” I knew when I said it that it would set him off. But I didn’t care anymore. All of it had been a lie. It had taken this long for me to realize it.

“You’re one to talk, Addie,” he said through gritted teeth. “If I recall, you slept with Lance first-“

“Shut up!” I heard myself scream. “I am so sick of you bringing it up! Yeah, I slept with Lance. You know why? I slept with him because I had become nothing but a fuck buddy to you. You didn’t care about me, JC. You were abusing me and you know it! And then you raped me. You raped me twice and I was stupid enough to leave Lance and come back to you!” Tears began to fall down my cheeks again and I had no idea where they were coming from because I had thought I’d been all cried out from minutes before.

“You’ve got some nerve speaking to me that way, you little bitch,” his hand came flying across my face and I looked at him in shock. He’d just hit me while holding our baby. I didn’t flinch. I stood there, my face stinging and salty tears rushing over the spot where he’d slapped me.
“I’m done,” I whispered and turned away from him, heading to our closet. In a matter of seconds, he’d put Ryden on the floor, grabbed me from behind and shoved me up against the wall.

“No, you’re not!” he yelled at me, shaking me so much that my head beat against the wall. “You are not leaving me!”

I felt dizzy. My head was pounding and I wanted to lie down all of the sudden. I forgot how excited I’d been about coming home earlier. It was over now. We weren’t going to be the perfect couple or the couple who survived. I closed my eyes and felt myself sinking to the floor.

“Addie? JC?”

I heard Jen’s voice and opened my eyes. I was in a slumped position against the wall. JC was sitting on the edge of the bed watching me. Ryden had fallen asleep on the floor next to him. It was dark outside. That’s when I realized I had passed out.

“Are you guys home?”

It was Chris.

I wanted to move but my head hurt so much that I just looked at JC, who stood from the bed and walked out of the room.

“Jen,” I whispered, trying to move and crawl to the door.

“Hey guys,” I heard JC greet them. “Addie’s not feeling well. I’ve been sitting with her most of the night.”

“Jen!” I pulled myself up by the door and called to her again, my voice sounding somewhere between a whisper and as though I had a frog in my throat.

“Addie?”

Between the door and the slits in the banister along the hallway, I could see Jen and Chris standing in the living room. JC wasn’t far from me and turned to see me clutching the doorframe.

“Jen, he slept with Leah,” I heard myself saying.

“Addie, shut up!” JC hissed at me.

“What?” Jen looked from JC to me, then started up the staircase. “Addie, what in the world…” JC tried to block her in the hallway, but Jen pushed past him and came to me. “Shit, Addie, you’re bleeding!” she touched the back of my head and pulled her hand away. She looked at JC. “Are you fucking kidding me, JC?!”

JC said nothing. He knew he couldn’t.

“He hurt me,” I whispered, closing my eyes when I saw the blood.

“I know, Addie,” Jen sighed and pulled me away from the door. “Where’s the baby.”

“You’re not taking the baby!” JC snapped and pushed us aside, going to grab Ryden off the floor.

“Chris!” Jen called downstairs and I closed my eyes again, feeling sick to my stomach.

I opened them and was back in my bedroom at Jen and Brooke’s house. Sunlight was streaming through the blinds. I looked around and saw a pop up crib next to me. It was empty and I suddenly was wide -awake.

“Ryden!” I called out, sitting up and then immediately wishing I hadn’t. My head throbbed and I felt the back of it. A bandage was in place where there had been blood before. I couldn’t remember anything and the last thing I knew was that I had been leaning against Jen.

The door to my bedroom opened and Brooke walked in, holding Ryden who was reaching for me as soon as he saw me. Brooke sat on the edge of my bed and smiled at me.

“Maamaa!” Ryden cooed at me.

“Ryden!” I reached for him and held him against me, kissing him over and over again. I looked at Brooke and began to cry. “I’m sorry. I should’ve listened to you guys from the beginning.”

Brooke shook her head. “No, Addie. You had to figure it out for yourself,” she touched my leg and patted it. “You’re okay. You had a mild concussion. He hit you against that wall pretty hard.”

“What happened? Everything was blurry from yesterday,” I told her, trying to gain composure and wiping my tears away.

“He banged you against the wall in his bedroom a few times. You passed out and Jen and Chris had been calling you guys for about two hours and decided to just pop by and surprise you around nine. They knew something was off because your bag was in the hallway and it was just way too quiet for y’all to be asleep at that early. They knew JC was lying when he told them you weren’t feeling well and then when you came out of the bedroom, there was blood on your shirt from your head. Chris and Jen called the police and JC’s in jail and can’t get out until someone bails out his ass. We’re all hoping you’ll press charges, Addie. You have to this time. He can’t get away with this anymore and you need to be safe.”

I tried to take in all of what she’d said. She was right. This time, I couldn’t ignore it. I shivered thinking about the fact that the concussion was only minor.

“I will. I’ll do it,” I told her without hesitation. “I want me and Ryden to be safe.”

Brooke bit her lip and I knew there was more. “What? What else are you not telling me?”
“Johnny’s taken JC’s side. He’s not going to let you choreograph for Lucky anymore because he says you brought too much drama,” Brooke shook her head. “We’re all pretty pissed at him.”
“So what am I gonna do?” I looked down at Ryden, who was snuggled against me and playing with a piece of my hair. “I have an eight-month-old and no job now?”

Brooke let out a sigh. “Lance has agreed to let you stay in his house here. They’re not going on tour until May now because of what might happen with JC. Johnny’s paying you through the end of the month. Addie, Jen and I are quitting the group. We can’t do this anymore with all you’ve been through and the fact that Johnny wants to hide it from the world that JC is dangerous,”

I didn’t know what to say. Yesterday, my life had been perfect, or so I thought. Today it had all come crashing down. And what was even worse to think about – I could have prevented it all if I’d just listened to my friends in the first place.

“I’m moving back to Boca next month and Jen is moving in with Chris,” Brooke continued.

“Why? What about Joey?” was my first question.

She shrugged. “I don’t know about Joey. He’s talking a lot to his ex-girlfriend from high school and I’m not really interested in dating someone who flirts that much,”

She reached over and squeezed my arm. “You’ll have Jen. And you have Lance. And honestly, Addie, Lance is still in love with you and would want nothing more than to take care of you and Ryden if you’ll let him.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to think about that. I fucked everything up, Brooke. As much as I love Ryden, sometimes I wish I’d just never slept with JC.”

“You didn’t know he was crazy, Addie,” Brooke reminded me. “None of us did. That’s why you have to press charges and don’t listen to Johnny and all those assholes at WEG when they try and settle with you.”

I looked down at Ryden and nodded. It was settled. I was going to put JC Chasez away for as long as I possibly could.