Numb. That was a good way to describe how I felt days after everything came to a head. I had nothing left in me. Though I slept through the night, my sleep was fitful and restless. I would wake up in a cold sweat thinking of how Johnny could somehow take my baby away from me. Or how he’d get JC the best lawyer money could buy and I’d be left with nothing. I didn’t have much of an appetite but since I was still nursing Ryden, I forced myself to eat. Usually I got sick to my stomach as soon as I ate due to the stress that was rapidly building within me. Jen came over to Lance’s everyday to check in on me and help with Ryden when Lance was out. Then there was Melissa, who Lance was still dating, and she wasn’t too thrilled that I’d taken up residency at his house. I didn’t blame her. I was the ex-girlfriend and if Melissa knew anything about me and Lance’s story, she knew we hadn’t exactly gotten together under the most favorable of conditions.
Johnny had tried to contact me several times but I wasn’t ready to speak to him. I knew JC was staying at his house until the trial began and the fact that he was so quick to jump to my abuser’s aid made me even more stressed out. Not to mention it had put a huge strain on the group. It was JC and Johnny on one side, Justin and Joey in the middle and Chris and Lance on my side. Justin and Joey stated firmly that they didn’t support what JC had done but he was their friend and they wanted to stand by him. Chris and Lance had been much closer to the situation and had more or less written him off. The tour had been postponed until further notice and as much as they’d tried to keep it all out of the press, it had leaked and the tabloids were having a field day with stories of JC’s abuse, other women coming out of the shadows to tell tales about him, and several covers of me with articles ranging from ones like The Girl He Took Advantage Of or Addie Parker: I’m on Welfare Now. I’d learned to ignore them and stuck to what I knew was true. I could fight this and I was going to fight it and show JC that I wasn’t the little girl he’d taken advantage of for the last year and a half.
“Addie?”
“Huh?”
I snapped to attention and looked over at Lance who was sitting across from me at his kitchen table. I was zoned out and thinking of how I would face JC in court in a few weeks. Everything was moving much faster because Johnny had wanted to get the guys back on tour, get Justin to start promoting his new single, and try and make all of it disappear. The sad thing was, it wouldn’t disappear and it was as though we all knew it but Johnny and JC. And I still couldn’t figure out just why Johnny had jumped on JC’s bandwagon so fast. Especially when he’d witnessed first hand what had happened to me during my pregnancy.
“I asked you what you wanted for dinner,” Lance reached over and touched my hand. “Are you okay? I know that’s a loaded question but if you need to hash anything out-“
“I’m fine,” I quickly answered him. I rubbed my eyes and looked down at Ryden who was crawling around on the floor next to me. He pulled himself up onto my chair and stood with a proud smile on his face. “You’re getting so big, bubby. Pretty soon you’re gonna be walking and running and Mommy won’t be able to keep up with you!” I reached down to pick him up and settled him in my lap.
“You’re not fine,” Lance caught my eye. “I think when this whole mess is over and done with you need to take a long vacation. I’d even pay for it for you.”
“Lance,” I shook my head and smiled at him. “I’ll be okay once I know that JC’s out of the picture and Johnny realizes what he’s doing by supporting him.”
Lance let a slow breath out and grimaced. “Addie, look, as long as JC is making him money, Johnny’s not going to stop supporting him. JC and Justin are the golden boys of our group. You should know that by now. And we’re taking a hiatus in August because they’re both going to release solo albums. This is why he wants this whole ordeal put behind JC because he knows the negative press it’s receiving and he knows that if JC loses, then he also loses. So you have to convince everyone in that courtroom that JC is a monster and that you aren’t over exaggerating or lying.”
I looked at Lance as if he were crazy. “Over exaggerating? I’m sorry, but the man raped me twice, I ended up in the hospital also twice because of him, and last week he gave me a concussion. Seriously? Are they really gonna pull that much shit over the judge’s eyes?” I felt tears stinging at my eyes and wiped them away, suddenly feeling the urge to throw something across the room.
“Calm down, Addie,” Lance pulled me up and into a hug. “It’s gonna be OK. I’m just giving you scenarios that might happen. Johnny’s really good with court drama and he knows his Ps and Qs. And you already know what a master manipulator JC is. Just be careful.”
I let out a shaky sigh and pulled away from him, his eyes staring into mine. I swallowed hard and looked away, scared that any more contact might bring on something we’d both regret. Especially since Lance was still with Melissa. As if on cue, the front door opened and Melissa walked in, immediately coming into the kitchen. We’d just pulled away from each other, but I knew she sensed that we’d had some sort of a moment with the glare she was giving both of us.
“Well, sorry to interrupt,” she snapped and walked over to Lance, kissing him hard on the mouth, and then clasping her hand with his. “Baby, we should go get dinner. I’m hungry.”
Lance let go of her hand but stayed next to her. “I was just asking Addie what she wanted to eat. I think it might be a good idea if we all went out and-“
“Um, no I’m good,” I replied quickly, wondering if daggers might start shooting out of Melissa’s eyes. “I can fend for myself. And besides I have to get Ryden down at eight.” I excused myself from the kitchen and walked back to the bedroom that Lance had let me have while I was staying with him. It was on the first floor and had a walk-in closet that conveniently fit Ryden’s pop up crib inside of it. I sat down on the bed, Ryden in my lap and aimlessly bounced him while I figured out how long I could stay in the bedroom before Lance and Melissa left for dinner. I had a million and one thoughts going on inside my head and didn’t know which one to process first. I looked at the little baby in my arms and as much as I regretted how he’d come into this world, I knew he was the one thing, the only thing I had in this world right then and there. It was me and him against everyone else or so it felt.
A knock at the door interrupted my thoughts and I kissed Ryden’s cheek before standing up to go answer it.
“Addie, we’re going to dinner. Melissa left because I told her you needed some time out of the house. I’m really sorry. I know things aren’t ideal with her,” Lance walked into the bedroom, “but it’s an adjustment for everyone. I just think if you got out of the house and we went and got dinner you might be able to think more clearly.”
“Lance, no matter what, I’ve still got to face JC. I’ve still got this whole mess where I feel like I’m the only one fighting for myself and no amount of dinners out is going to change that,” I told him honestly. “And can you blame Melissa? I’m your ex-girlfriend and I’m living with you! I’d be pissed too if I were her.”
Lance shook his head. “Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not letting you fight all of this alone and as far as I’m concerned, Melissa doesn’t need to be a bitch about it. Let’s go grab a pizza and come back here. At least get you out of the house.”
He wasn’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer and I knew it. Reluctantly, I threw on a pair of shoes and with Ryden in my arms, followed Lance to the front door.
I’d been waiting for Johnny and JC’s attorneys to contact my attorney and have us all meet to work out some sort of “deal.” I knew it wouldn’t take long because like I said, Johnny wanted this over and done with. It was two days later that I was told I had to be at a meeting with JC, his attorney, Johnny, and my attorney. I don’t remember ever feeling as nervous as I was feeling as Lance drove me to the attorneys’ office downtown. My attorney was a top Orlando lawyer named Marla Slade-Jones. Lance had helped me track her down and was paying for the attorney fees because with the salary I’d had cut off from me, I couldn’t afford anything more than a state appointed attorney and Jen, Lance, and Chris told me I had to get the best. Especially because JC’s attorney was on-hold with WEG.
I walked into the foyer with Lance and was immediately met by JC and Johnny. JC looked right at me, stood, and began to approach me. I backed away and Lance put his arm in front of me.
“Where’s Ryden?” JC demanded. “You can’t take him away from me forever, Addie.” His voice was cold and it chilled me to the bone. His eyes glowered at me and I gave it right back to him.
“I’m not bringing an almost nine-month-old to this,” I spat. “He’s with Jen and Chris.”
“So the one time I could see him before you put me away in jail, you’ve decided to keep him from me?!” JC moved closer to me and suddenly I pushed Lance aside.
“Don’t fuck with me, JC. You’ll see him before your ass gets in jail, don’t worry. But if you recall, this little meeting falls right in the middle of his naptime!” We were face to face now and I could feel my insides shaking. I wanted to haul off and hit him as hard as he’d hit me. I wanted him to know how it felt to go unconscious from being smacked that hard.
“Ok, Addie, that’s enough,” Johnny spoke up. “Settle down. JC, come sit over here.”
“You’re done telling me what to do,” I narrowed my eyes at Johnny. “You promised me you’d take care of me and now you’re on his side? After you knew everything he did to me! No. You’re not ever telling me what to do again.”
Johnny and JC both looked at me as if I was a different person and I felt like I was after I’d told them both off. Lance took me by the shoulders and pulled me aside.
“Calm down,” he looked at me with a serious expression. “You can’t get all ballistic yet. You still have to sit in a meeting with them.”
“Whatever,” I muttered and moved away from Lance, walking past Johnny and JC and standing over on the other side of the foyer.
“So, is he calling you ‘daddy’ now?” JC sarcastically asked Lance.
“No, JC,” Lance shook his head and came over to where I was standing.
“Shut up, JC,” I heard Johnny hiss. “You and Addie are both gonna lose this if you’re not careful!”
Another fifteen minutes passed before we were asked by the receptionist to go up to the fourteenth floor conference room. Our lawyers sat on either side of the table and JC and I sat next to them, Johnny on his side, Lance on mine. There was a lot of lawyer jargon that I didn’t really understand but I knew that we were here to cut a deal so that it didn’t have to go to a drawn out courtroom session. There would be one more meeting like this if today went well which would finalize everything or something like that. My head was foggy and all I wanted was to get it over and done with.
“Your client abused Adelaide Parker. He put her in a hospital twice, gave her a mild concussion, and raped her. Mr. Chapman, the fact that you think he should just get a two-year probation is ludicrous. We are recommending three to five years in a federal state prison with eighteen months of probation after he is released. That’s our deal. Take it or leave it,” Marla was a bad ass and wasn’t going to give up. Lance reached over and squeezed my hand, as we both awaited what the other side would say. Johnny leaned over and whispered something to JC, who then whispered something to his lawyer.
“Two years and twelve months of probation,” Craig Chapman, JC’s lawyer replied.
“No deal,” Marla shook her head. “And if you don’t settle on something, we’ll have to go to court for sure. Mr. Wright, doesn’t that get into your touring plans for your group?” She was oozing with sarcasm and I wanted to laugh out loud but pursed my lips together and held it in.
“Am I gonna see my son if I go to prison?” for once JC’s voice was shaking and the confidence he usually carried with him was gone.
“Ms. Parker is under obligation to bring your son to see you once a week while you are locked up,” Marla told him. “You will see your son.”
JC looked at his lawyer once more and then over to me. “I guess it’s too late to apologize isn’t it?”
I blew a quick breath out and shook my head. “You lost that right a long time ago. I was just too dumb to realize it.”
“I loved you, Addie,” his voice was soft and I detected a hint of regret but didn’t relent.
“You had a shitty way of showing it,” I shrugged.
“With that being said,” the judge spoke up, “we’ll convene again next week for the final hearing, although, I must say, Mr. Chasez, your chances aren’t looking too good.”
JC shook his head and I saw him roughly wipe a tear from his eye. “No, it’s dumb to come back. Craig, I’ll take their deal. I just want it to be done.”
“JC, you realize-“ Johnny started.
“Yeah, I do!” JC interrupted him. “I know what it means for you and for me and the group but it is what it is.”
And just like that, it was over. It was done. JC was going to prison and I had sent him there. There wasn’t going to be a courtroom drama. There wasn’t going to be hoards of media trying to get me for an interview. The only thing that awaited us when we exited was a hoard of paparazzi trying to get as close to us as they could. JC went one way and I went another.
“How do you feel?” Jen asked me later that evening. She and Chris had come over for a celebratory dinner. I was still in shock that it had all come to a head and that I didn’t have to deal with the stress of sitting in front of a jury and telling my story. All I knew now was that JC was on his way to the nearest prison and that in two weeks I’d have to go there with Ryden for his first visit. But I didn’t want to think about that. I wanted to think about the freedom I was feeling for the first time since I’d joined Three4One or had Ryden or had ever met JC Chasez. I was giddy with excitement and enjoying time with my friends, not having to worry about whether or not I was doing something wrong and would later get hit because of it. JC was far away now and I was free.
“I feel awesome,” I told her as honestly as I could. “I feel like a huge weight has been thrown off of me and I can do anything I damn well please.”
“So, what are you gonna do?” Chris asked me. “Go back to school? Get a new job?”
I shrugged. “I’m just gonna take it one day at a time,” I answered him. “I want to go back to school. I wish I could still choreograph because that’s where I find the most life.” I sighed and shook my head. “But my main priority is Ryden. I want him to be okay.” I tried not to think about the fact that in another month or so my severance from WEG would be done and I’d really have to start thinking about a job. Lance had assured me I could stay with him as long as I wanted to and I was grateful for that, but I knew eventually, I had to get out on my own again.
At that moment my cell phone rang and I looked down to see Brooke’s number coming up on the screen. I smiled and answered it.
“Hey!”
“So you put the fucker behind bars did you? Way to go, Addie. I’m so proud of you!”
“Thanks. I wish you were here to celebrate with us.”
“Me too. Actually, I was gonna come up in a few weeks. I got asked to sing the National Anthem at a Magic game.” That wasn’t surprising. Of the three members of Three4One, Brooke had been the most popular and it wasn’t shocking that she was still getting recognized even if the group had disbanded.
“You’d better come see me and Jen when you’re here.”
“You know I will. I can’t come to Orlando and not see my favorite bitches.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“You know what I mean. Anyway, Addie, I’m proud of you. I know it wasn’t easy.”
She was right. Today had been one of the hardest days of my life.
“Thanks. Talk to you soon.”
I hung up and looked up to see Lance walking out onto the porch with Ryden in his arms.
“What’s he doing awake?” I stood immediately and Ryden reached for me.
“He had a dirty diaper. Don’t worry. I changed it and just wanted to bring him out here to say goodnight to you one more time,” Lance smiled at me and I looked at my son, who was babbling at me in some sort of baby talk.
“Thanks,” I told Lance. “You didn’t have to-“
“I wanted to,” Lance replied and even in the dark I could tell he was blushing. “Want me to take him back?”
“No, I can-“ I started but Jen touched my arm.
“Let Lance. You know it’s nice to finally have someone else actually help you with the baby,” she reminded me. I nodded slowly and kissed Ryden’s cheek, then handed him over to Lance. As soon as he’d gone back inside with the baby, Jen cleared her throat and shook her head at me. “You are stupid, Addie.”
“Huh? What are you talking about?” I asked her, incredulously.
“Oh my god he is crazy about you. Why don’t you go in there with him and tuck your son in and then just grab him and kiss him?” Jen rolled her eyes.
“Um, he has a girlfriend and I’m not gonna go down that road again,” I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest.
“His girlfriend is a bitch for one thing and for another, when you were with him as crazy as that time was, you were a lot more of the person I’m seeing now,” Jen took a sip of her beer.
“I was five months pregnant and needy as hell. I hope to god I’m not like that anymore,” I refuted her.
“You know what I mean. He made you happy. A lot happier than JC. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t write him off. I think it could be just what you need right now,” Jen shrugged.
“I totally disagree with you. A relationship is the last thing I need right now. I need to focus on myself for a little while.”
“I think I have to agree with Addie,” Chris spoke up. “She’s been through hell and back and she needs to clear her head.”
“Fine,” Jen sighed and snuggled next to Chris. “Maybe in the meantime he’ll come to his senses and dump that gold digger.”
I tuned out Jen and Chris for the rest of the evening. My mind was on what was going to happen next. Getting a job. Caring for Ryden. Surviving on my own. They were all scary to me but at the same time they were exciting. I was ready for it and I was ready to show the world that I was ready for it.
