The first night we were on tour, Chris had announced a reunion party in the suite he was sharing with Justin. We were in Miami, right on South Beach, and the location was perfect. Not to mention we had a day off the next day because we were driving up to Atlanta, a good 12 hours from Miami. I was excited about the party, but even more excited about being with JC again. Since he’d been gone, we’d talked a few times on the phone, but his schedule kept him busy and even though I didn’t admit it to anyone, I grew panicky when I didn’t hear from him. But the night before we left Orlando to drive down and meet them, he’d called and told me that Johnny hadn’t even booked a room for me and that I’d be with him. It made me relieved to know that he still wanted me because a part of me wondered if it had all been just a game for him. When I was away from him, I thought the worst.
After our first concert, it was nearing 11:30pm and instead of going to the usual after party, the guys told us to meet them back at the hotel and head on up to Chris’s and Justin’s suite. It was across from the suite that JC and I had and next door to Lance’s and Joey’s room. When I went backstage to grab my things from the dressing room, JC met me and pulled me aside, kissing me hard on the mouth.
“We’re not going tonight,” he whispered into my ear. “We’re having our own private party.” His hands groped at my breasts and I had to force myself to pull away from him.
“Just for a little bit. C’mon, JC, we can go for an hour. We’ve got all night,” I kissed him back, trying to be reassuring. I’d also read cover to cover the Cosmopolitan magazines that Brooke lent me and wanted to try a few things out. Particularly the dirty talk, which I felt I’d easily become a pro at. I couldn’t wait to shock him.
He sighed and cornered me against the wall. “But I haven’t seen you in weeks, baby,” his lips were trailing across my neck. I looked over to see Jen, Chris, and Lance walking towards us and tried to push him off of me again. He didn’t seem to care and continued kissing me, lifting the hair off of the back of my neck and flicking his tongue against it.
“I promise, JC, I’ll make it worth your while,” I was trying not to gasp but I was definitely turned on. He knew exactly where to touch me and he was using it to his advantage.
He pulled away and eyed me, brushing a few strands of hair away from my face. “One hour,” he kissed my cheek and released his grip, just as Chris, Jen, and Lance were passing us by.
“Are you guys coming?” Chris asked. He and Jen’s hands were linked together and I smiled at her knowingly. She smiled back and looked up at Chris.
“Yeah, we’ve got every single item from room service on the menu,” Lance said. He looked over at me. “You guys were great by the way, Addie. I was just telling Jen-“
“We’ll be there,” JC interrupted him and pulled me away. “See you.”
I looked behind me and caught Jen’s eye. She just shook her head and looked away. I knew what she was thinking and I knew as soon as she had the chance, she’d give me the third degree. She’d been the one to take me to the doctor’s and get me on the pill and since then had assumed a maternal role over me. A part of me knew I needed it; another part of me despised it because I wanted to be independent, even though, judging from everything that had coincided, I needed her to be that person. I followed JC onto his bus and sat up front with him as it pulled away and headed towards the hotel. He asked me about the drive down to Miami, and told me how glad he was that I was there again. It made me feel relieved because I still felt that he might not even give a damn anymore. An out of sight out of mind sort of thing. Not to mention that Brooke had said it could possibly happen and to be prepared. I was never more glad that she was wrong.
When we got to the hotel, the bus pulled into a back parking lot and we were led through the employee entrance as not to be attacked by the mobs of fans we saw when the bus rolled into the hotel. JC grabbed my hand and we followed security guards towards the maintenance elevator and rode up to the fifteenth floor. The elevator let us off, and JC led me to our room and once inside, he backed me against the wall.
“JC-“ I started but he kissed me and held me beside the wall nearest the bed.
“Shh,” he grabbed my hands and brought them above my head. “Just let me please you and then we’ll go. I promise.” He kissed me again, letting my hands fall next to me and then moved his way down towards my legs as I stood there and watched him.
Once more I was putty. He could do or say anything to me and knew what to do or say that would make me melt. This time he was all about me and I let him do whatever he wanted because it just felt good to be near him again. He wouldn’t stop until he was sure I had come and even after I had, continued to lick and touch and taste all that he could until I could hardly stand. He stood up and I grabbed him, nearly falling over from how wobbly I felt. He chuckled at that and then we quickly got ourselves together before going across the hall.
The party was in full swing. There was a hot tub displayed in the middle of the picture window, which looked out onto the beach. It was the first fixture that caught anyone’s eye that entered the room. A wall separated it from a king-sized bed and on the other side, a couch, which was already pulled out into a bed as well. Food was on tables everywhere and alcohol was flowing abundantly. There were crewmembers from the tour and a few people I didn’t recognize. I didn’t have time to ask because Joey came up to us and thrust two drinks in our hands.
“What is it?” I asked him, taking a small sip. Whatever it was, it was delicious. It tasted like watermelon and strawberries with a sour edge to it.
“Watermelon Pucker is all I know,” Joey shrugged. “Chris is playing bartender again.” I looked over at the bar, which was next to the king sized bed and saw more alcohol than I’d ever seen in one place. Chris was behind it with Jen and they were laughing as they poured different mixes into plastic Solo cups.
Within an hour, everyone was pretty much wasted, including myself. JC had forgotten about us leaving because he was having a good time dancing out on the balcony with me. I didn’t say anything about having overstayed our time limit he’d put us on and he didn’t seem to want to leave anyway. Music blared from the speakers inside the room and it was as though we were at our own private club. And it was Miami and nobody would complain that we were partying throughout the night, so we could be as loud as we wanted to. JC took me in his arms and we started grinding to a dance mix that was on. I’d had about three Watermelon Pucker drinks and was enjoying myself very much. JC was on his fifth beer and I didn’t care that he was caressing me quite explicitly in front of our friends. Not that our friends were even paying the slightest bit of attention to us. Jen and Brooke were in the hot tub with a few of the crew guys, Joey, and Justin. Chris and Lance were doing shots behind the bar and in a minute, I saw Chris whip out a joint and he came outside to puff away.
“Here,” he called over to me. I broke away from JC and took the joint.
“Oh are you doing that now?” JC chuckled at me. “This I have to see.”
He knew I had never touched drugs or cigarettes, but I felt so good and so out of it all at the same time, that I wasn’t thinking nor did I care. I took a small hit and began to cough into JC’s shoulder. He took it from me and puffed on it before giving it back to Chris.
“No!” I grabbed for it and Chris looked at JC.
“Let her try again,” JC said, and handed the joint back to me. I puffed on it longer and then handed it over to Chris. Soon, the three of us were sharing it and fifteen minutes later, I was feeling more than buzzed.
“I wanna get in the hot tub!” I didn’t realize I was yelling at him, but JC laughed and took my hand.
“Yeah?” he tugged at me and I followed him back into the hotel room. I immediately stripped down to my bra and panties and JC did the same, stripping down to his boxers. We slowly slid into the water and JC leaned over and it didn’t take us long to start making out. I felt my inhibitions let go and all I could hear was music and all I could feel was JC’s hand in between my legs. I looked over to see Brooke in between Justin and Joey in the bed and watched as she faced Joey and let Justin grope her from behind. I closed my eyes, suddenly feeling dizzy. I grabbed onto JC and felt the room spinning.
“JC!” I cried out, not from pleasure but from watching the side of the Jacuzzi tip over.
“What?” he pulled away from me, and the last thing I remembered was grasping onto his neck.
The next morning when I woke up, I was in the hotel bed and felt as though someone had run me over a few times in the street. I didn’t even need to coax myself to go throw up because I knew if I didn’t get to the bathroom, it was going to go all over the bed and JC. I willed myself to walk quickly to the bathroom and threw my head over the toilet. I’d never felt this sick before in my life. Even after I threw up, I still felt like I could do it again. I lay next to the toilet and didn’t move. My head pounding harder than it ever had before, my stomach lurching again, and my entire body shaking. I was still and hoped the nausea would subside, but it didn’t and soon I was looking down the toilet bowl again. The second time made me feel a little better, but I didn’t have the energy to even crawl back into bed, so I stayed in the bathroom.
I don’t know how long I was out, but the bathroom light caused me to stir and open my eyes. JC was standing in the doorway and I was still lying next to the toilet. I looked at him, hoping for sympathy, hoping he’d come and pick me up, and sooth me and tell me everything would be fine.
“I told you we should’ve just come back here,” he sighed, and walked over to me. “Can you even stand up?”
I shook my head and waited for him to help me up, but he hovered over me and rolled his eyes. I tried to sit upright, but had to lean against the wall for support. Every muscle and bone in my body felt as though it weight 100 pounds.
“You look like shit,” JC went over to the sink and began brushing his teeth.
“I’m sorry, baby, I just-“ I started to say but he looked at me through the mirror and kept shaking his head as though he were ashamed of me.
“You need to learn how to handle your high better. And you really need to learn when to stop drinking,” he spat into the sink and then began to get his shaving kit together. “We’re leaving in an hour. Be ready.” And then he walked out. I sat there alone, tears forming in my eyes and couldn’t help but to let them fall. I balanced myself along the wall and stood up, my feet unsure of what to do.
Walk, I was saying in my head. Get out of the bathroom. Don’t let him see you cry.
I came back into the room and JC was folding his clothes into an overnight duffel bag. Silently, I began to gather my things and didn’t say anything to him. I was so confused, so upset, and, I was discovering, very angry. It wasn’t as though I intended to get this messed up. I had a lot to drink, I had shared my first joint –ever, mind you- and all I wanted was for him, this person who was supposed to be my boyfriend, to hug me and kiss me and tell me it was going to be ok. I sat on the edge of the bed after I’d packed and was still quiet. My stomach still felt queasy and I couldn’t wait to get on the bus and lie down. I was also considering getting on our group bus since JC had barely spoken to me at all except to remind me of what an idiot I had been. I stood up, gathered my duffel bags and purse, and started to walk towards the door.
“Where are you going?” JC suddenly asked me. He was coming out of the bathroom with his things.
“I’m going downstairs to find Jen and Brooke,” I didn’t look at him. My eyes were still puffy from crying, not that he’d noticed.
“Well, wait up. I’m ready. I’ll walk with you,” he started coming over to me, but I shook my head.
“I’d rather be by myself,” I told him quietly. This took him by surprise.
“What? Why?” he walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Baby, look, I’m sorry I was harsh with you. But you gotta get thicker skin and-“
“I don’t feel good. And all I wanted was for my boyfriend to maybe ask if I needed help getting up off the floor. I didn’t need a lecture. I know I messed up and I should’ve been more careful. But I wasn’t he only one,” I was firm with him, but kept my voice low. “And why should I want to even be on the same bus with you when you treated me like you did just now.”
“Addie,” he pulled me into his arms. “Addie, baby, I’m sorry. I was grumpy. You know I care about you. I’m sorry you’re sick.” He leaned down and pecked my lips softly. “If you come on my bus, I’ll make you feel better.” His hands roamed from my waist to my backside, but this time I didn’t melt so fast.
“No,” I shook my head. “No, JC. I-“
He shut me up with a kiss, backing me against the door. “I’m so sorry, Addie,” he ran his fingers through my hair. “Don’t do this to me. I need you with me. I just want to hold you all the way to Atlanta and make you feel better.” He planted soft kisses on my cheek and then my forehead.
I let out a shaky sigh and looked up at him, expressionless. “I don’t know if I’m really in the mood,”
“Fine. But you can at least lie next to me. Right?” he cupped my face in one hand. “Please, Addie.”
I didn’t say anything, only opened the door and he followed me into the hallway. We were met with Chris and Jen, who both looked as awful as I felt. Brooke came out of her room with Justin and I vaguely remembered the scene I’d witnessed the night before. Her between Joey and Justin. Maybe it was the marijuana. After all, hadn’t I thought the hot tub was falling over? I knew that wasn’t real this morning. Lance was waiting by the elevator with Joey when we walked up. I saw Joey look over at Brooke and shake his head. Justin clasped his hand with hers and it looked like he was trying to make a statement in front of Joey. Or maybe I was just overthinking the whole incident.
Once we were downstairs, we began to walk to our separate buses. I watched Jen boarding Chris’ bus and Brooke walked onto ours with Justin behind her. So I could either share a bus with Brooke and Justin, who’d probably be going at it the whole time or I could pretend things were fine with JC and me and get on his bus. I chose the latter, much to his surprise. He showed me to the very back, where, as our bus had a wrap around couch, his had a full queen-sized bed. Immediately, I lay down and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would come soon. He didn’t give me that chance. His hands were all over me and he was trying to pull me on top of him.
“I don’t want to,” I pushed him away and rolled over again.
“C’mon, Addie. Just one time,” he nuzzled his nose against my cheek. “You know you like me inside of you. Don’t pretend you aren’t loving this.” He reached around to one of my breasts and began to massage it. I didn’t move, but my body was reacting to his touch and he knew it. He rolled on top of me, slowly unzipping my jeans. He unzipped his next and pushed them down around his ankles. I felt him right on the outside of me and turned my head away. “Oh, you like being stubborn, don’t you? You think that will make me stop?” He didn’t give me a chance to respond before he pulled my panties down and thrust himself deep into me. He went slow and let me feel every sensation. I was trying my best not to enjoy it, but it was difficult given the fact that he always made it amazing, even when I was pissed at him.
“Good girl,” he whispered, as I began to move with him. “That’s my girl. You like it when I go slow, don’t you?”
I looked into his eyes and let him continue thrusting in and out of me. Then I looked away and could feel myself about to let go. He always liked it when I looked at him as I came, but I wasn’t going to this time. That was my revenge. It was the only thing I could do to get back at him, or so I thought.
“Look at me,” he took my chin between his thumb and forefinger. “Addie, look at me!”
I felt it course through my body and closed my eyes, holding onto him for dear life. He grunted a few more times and pulled my hair as he released into me. I didn’t say anything, just rolled away from him and tried to fall asleep.
“You can’t ignore me forever, baby,” his voice hot in my ear, his arms caressing my side. “And you can’t tell me that you didn’t like that.”
No, he was right about that. It had felt great, but I wasn’t going to let him know it. I shut my eyes and let the bus rock me to sleep.
We stopped for lunch at an Applebee’s off the highway somewhere on the border of Florida and Georgia. I got off the bus and had felt much better after a four- hour nap. I hadn’t said much to JC, I was still trying to process everything and talk myself out of being mad at him, but I couldn’t. I needed to talk to Jen or Brooke. We all sat at a large table in the back of the restaurant. Most everyone looked as though they’d gotten minimal amounts of sleep and when Lance ordered two black coffees, I figured he’d had a rough night of it. JC sat next to me, his hand on my thigh, and his other hand resting on his chin. Jen and Chris sat across from us and Brooke and Justin were next to me.
“Does anyone else need to go to the bathroom?” Jen asked, getting up.
“I’m assuming by anyone else you mean any of the girls?” Chris piped up. “Unless you want me to go there with you, in which case we need to find out if we can lock the main door to the bathroom.”
“You’re funny,” Jen couldn’t help but giggle at him. “Yes, I meant the girls.”
I stood up immediately and Brooke followed suit, as we headed towards the ladies’ room. Once inside, we all began talking at once about the night before. Jen and Chris had had sex on the pull out sofa bed in the suite and she couldn’t remember if people were watching or not. Brooke in fact did have a threesome with Joey and Justin, but she’d paid more attention to Justin and Joey had left in the middle of it. They also were in front of everyone, but hadn’t remembered much because Brooke had drunk a whole bottle of whiskey before getting it on with them. It was finally my turn to talk and I told them about the bad high I’d gotten, the even worse hangover I had that morning, and finally let it out about how cruel JC was to me that morning.
“Addie, how can you still be with him?!” Jen ventured to ask. “He treats you like shit and you know it. Have you asked him why he was so upset?”
“He said he was sorry he was grumpy,” I answered her. “He’s not a morning person.”
“So what? That doesn’t give him an excuse to make you feel like dog shit,” Brooke shook her head. “Addie, you don’t have to put up with that. Do you even think he loves you? Has he told you that?”
I couldn’t imagine JC not in my life. He was a fixture. He had a part of me with him now. And I knew that I loved him, even after that morning. But I had no idea if he loved me. He cared about me, or so he said. But love had not ever been mentioned once to me. “No,” I looked down at my hands, holding onto the sink.
“I really hope you’re taking that birth control,” Jen told me. “Because I would hate to imagine what he’d do if you got pregnant.”
“Well, there’s no need to worry about that because I’m not going to get pregnant,” I retorted. “Maybe I’m just tired and need some sleep. Maybe we’re just both cranky.”
“Maybe you need to tell him you’re not putting up with his shit anymore. He needs to either turn a new leaf or you need to walk away, Addie,” Jen looked at me through the mirror. “You’re too good to be with someone like him. He’s so controlling and I just want you to be aware that he could easily manipulate you into doing stuff you don’t want to do.” Jen was too late with that. He had already manipulated me plenty, only I was too stupid to realize it.
“I’m being careful,” I said, suddenly wishing I’d not mentioned anything to either of them.
After lunch, we boarded our separate buses once more and I had decided to take full advantage of the trip and sleep the rest of the way to Atlanta. I could tell my body needed it anyway. When JC lied down beside me, I curled up next to him and he pulled me close. I smiled to myself and wanted to tell Jen and Brooke how wrong they were. He did care about me. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be here, caressing my skin and letting me fall asleep on his chest. He was sweet now. This morning was just a miscommunication on both of our parts.
“Feeling better?” he asked, looking down at me.
“Yeah,” I smiled at him and kissed his cheek.
“Are you still mad at me?” he played with my hair and I ran my hand up and down his chest to his stomach and back.
“No,” I replied as he took my hand and brought it to his lips.
“I knew you couldn’t stay that way for too long,” his voice was just above a whisper.
We were quiet for a few minutes.
“JC,” I mumbled against his shirt.
“Hm,” his eyes were closed, his fingers lightly going up and down my shoulder blade.
“If I did end up pregnant, we’d be okay, right?” It had been weighing on my mind since Jen had brought it up and I wanted to know.
He didn’t say anything at first, just turned on his side to look at me. “We’d be fine and I’d take care of it,” he assured me, kissing my forehead and then moving down to my lips. “But you’re not, so there’s no need to even bring it up.” He was so matter-of-fact about it that I trusted him to know what he was talking about. I smiled at him and kissed him back, closing my eyes and falling asleep until we arrived in Atlanta.
